Just wanted to thank everyone for all your support these last few days. REsponse to my post about my pain and the OC has been very helpful to me. This weekend has been filled with ups and downs. AT times I feel as if I will get through this, we can survive this, at times I feel my H has willfully jeopardized all we have worked so hard for. He wants to stay in marriage, wants our life together to get better,willing now to check into new marital therapy, but I do not know where he will ultimately end on the OC situation. The more I think of it, the more I realize I cannot tolerate engagement with the child. I do not think I could tolerate his contact with her on the side,either,but wonder if I will ultimately have to accept that to save our marriage. I agree with what many of you have said-our marriage should be the priority, and our kids, not the OC. My husband and OW keep stating the child is just an innocent child, but I do not see it quite the same way. I see that my children and myself are truly the innocent victims, and we have and should be the priority for all decisions. I did things with my children and kids this weekend, and all I could think of was the very real danger of breaking that all up. My kids have told my husband recently what a great Dad he is, and it brought him to tears. I want to protect my kids, and yes, I want to protect myself. I feel very fragile daily. I have not stopped working, get up everyday since disclosure but not working very hard. My husband talks of a future together, I do not know if that will come to be if we cannot resolve OC issue.I told him rebuilding our marriage takes priority, for now he agrees with that but I know he feels pressure to do the "right thing" for all, I was thinking the other day there is no way he can do that- to do the right thing for OC and have contact with her interferes in our life with our kids and I do not think I can sustain a life with OC in it. I love him-we have known each other 30 years and grew up together.The thought of not having him in my life is like not having myself in my life, but when I think of what he has done to me and our children, I get pained, sad, hurt, angry, devastated ..Does anyone think things get better and you get closure if OC is always in the picture, if not in reality, i,e. like with visitation, in you or your H's thoughts? I see articles lately on infidelity that speak to closure, but I see no closure when a child is involved. The affair is easy to forgive and repair, the child is such a complication.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 19, 2001).]

isb,<BR>I agree with your feelings as I feel the same way. I myself do not see how there could be closure if oc is involved but that is just my feelings. There are some here that are involved hopefully they will be along to help on this. The ups and downs do get fewer and farther apart as time goes on.I couldnt agree with you more that you and your family come first and above anything else. I will pray that your h realizes this soon. with love flowerseed

isb,<BR>I have been thinking about you. I think I would ask h what makes him think it o.k. to rob your little girl of her childhood by telling her this. I know just what you mean about protecting your children to me for her to find this out would not be something I want my little girl growing up to think is o.k. Our little girl is almost 6 and even if I would not have stayed with my h I would have keep this from her. I would try maybe talking to him looking at it in this way. Just my thoughts there are others that I'm sure would disagree with me. with love flowerseed

lsb,<P>you are absolutely right on one count -- the real victims are the spouse and children. We are the ONLY ones that did not have a say in something that changed our lives forever. The OC did not have a say, however, the OC's mother had the ability to make choices on her behalf -- she could have opted for abortion, or, if she did not believe in it, could have let a two parent family adopt the child and give her a good home. Adoption happens every day by caring mothers who want the best for their child.<P>But, the OW chose to keep the child knowing what it would do to a truly innocent and loving family. And the H knew what could happen when he was engaging in sex without adequate protection. Neither of them can claim ignorance.<P>The OW believes her child has a RIGHT to know her siblings? And what about your children's rights? What about their right to the security and self-confidence that they have obtained by being in a loving family. What about their self-image when they are forced to worry about whether their father loves the OC more than them? What about how they look at marriage and relationships when they hear that they have a sister but its mother is not their mommy?<P>I am sick and tired of OW's stomping into a family with their heavy boots, smashing everyone's hearts along the way, and then saying they've done it because they have rights. Their selfishness, their nerve, and their ability to ignore the legitimate children who were here long before their plans to trap a married man were executed.<P>They want everything -- their child to share our name, their child to share our in-laws, to invade our family gatherings and holidays, to consult with our spouses on every aspect of the child's life, to have a permanent source of funding for everything they desire, and to have a permanent wailing wall where they can get courage and support whenever they feel they need it because -- raising a child alone is SUCH a difficult job. <P>I applaud the men and women on this forum who have chosen to have contact with the OC. They have many different reasons for doing so, but the bottom line is that it is a very selfless thing to allow a child of an A into your family. Many betrayed spouses say they would even gladly adopt the child and raise it as their own. It is the constant interloping of the OW that causes the grief, pain, and bad feelings to fester and never completely heal. And, it is not the memory of the sex -- but the persistent and complete invasiveness they perpetrate into every aspect of our family lives. It is the fact that you always know that what they really want is to crawl into our skin and be us and they want their child to be our children -- that is what keeps me from embracing the OW and OC into my life.<P>Perhaps if you can get your marriage back to a level where you have confidence in your H and in your ability to handle the situation, then it can work successfully. But that takes your H's best efforts to convince you that he has fully re-committed to you and is willing to place you above everything else. That kind of commitment sometimes allows you to reciprocate by wanting him to have peace of mind about the child.<P>I know that my marriage is not ready for that. But I admit that I go through periods of extreme guilt because I cannot soften my heart enough to let this child in. And lately I have been giving more and more consideration to some type of compromise.<P>You will find your own acceptance level and hopefully it will be a level where you and your H can both comfortably live. <P>sorry if i raved a bit like a lunatic. this is a topic that is never far from my heart and mind these days...<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Isb,and Heavenly, I have to tell you that I went for a very long time after discovery, maintaining the belief that I never wanted the oc in my life and my children's. I wanted to protect my children at all cost from the horrible truth of what had happened. I did not find out about oc until he was almost 3 yrs old and he is now 5 years old. In the last two years I have gone back and forth with my feelings many times. My h has always said he would do whatever I wanted and I have been able to count on that from him and he has never diappointed me. We did decided almost two years ago to seek visitation. But this was only after the ow had filed for support and warned my H not to seek visitation. I have gone back and forth wondering even as I type this if we are doing the right thing. We have not told our son, he is six, yet. I hope we are doing the right thing. One reason I decided to have my husband go ahead with the visitation is the fear of what my children would do years from now when and if they found out. I could not realistically think we could keep the oc from them when we are playing support and letters are sent through the mail ect. These type of decisions are not made over night and when the pain of the whole thing is so new they are even more difficult to think about. Early on in discovery I was merely trying to accept what had happened and deal with that. I feel your H should give you the time you need to heal, and yes I believe that you and your family should come first. My h never made any demands on me and I think that is what helped us back then. I hope that you will be able to help your H see this. The oc is not going to go away, so he needs to work on the issues at home first, before the issues outside his home can be addressed. This is how we handled and are still handling things today. Stay strong, for yourself and your children. I refused to let this whole thing beat me and was not about to let that ow ruin my life. That is exactly what she wanted to do. Keep the good thoughts, Peace, Gabi1116

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Perhaps if you can get your marriage back to a level where you have confidence in your H and in your ability to handle the situation, then it can work successfully. But that takes your H's best efforts to convince you that he has fully re-committed to you and is willing to place you above everything else.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>lsb, i think heavenly said it best here. the strenght of your marriage and your committment to one another is what will ultimately guide you to your descision.<P>I am one of the members here who has allowed the OC to be apart of our lives. At first I was so like many of the BS's here who adamantly refused to open myself to the idea. But over time, long discussions with H, and deep inner discovery I realized that to not allow OC into our lives would cause more pain to my husband and our children in the long run. <P>What I had to do was get past my own hurt and pain and be that "selfless" person that heavenly referred to. It is extremely hard when you are hurting from the devastation of discovery. This is the time when I felt like he owed me everything and should bow down to my needs and my feelings. That kind of "you owe me" attitude, I felt, was detremetal to my marriage. I asked myself, if I've truely forgiven him how can I think he owes me. True forgiveness includes repentance, but not forever paying a debt to another. <P>I think of it in terms of my relationship with God. If I have sinned, I ask God for forgiveness. I repent and he abolishes me of my sin. He does not require me to continue to "pay" for that sin. By asking H to deny his flesh and blood I would be asking him to "pay" for his sin for the rest of his life. Eventually he would resent me for it. I could not allow myself to cause a rift that would certainly develop in years to come. I imagined the pain my husband would feel if in 15 years or so the OC showed up on his doorstep and wanted to know why he discarded her. What would he say... my wife made me do it. I couldn't live with that.<P>Accepting the OC is no easy task. I struggle with my decision often. But I try to keep focused on the bigger picture.. my marriage and my family. The OC/OW are outside factors that I refuse to let come between my husband and I. <P>One important factor is your husband's committment to you and your marriage. If he isn't 100% committed to you (and you feel it with your gut) it won't work for you. You have to know he wants NOTHING to do with the OW and you have to know that he sees that OC as completely separate from it's mother.<P>My H's re-committment to me is aparant EVERY day. What more could I ask of him. He deserves a committed wife who trusts, loves and respects and supports his decision regarding the fruit of his seed.<P>One little thing I want to add to my rant. I've said this many times here on the forum. My sweetest revenge will come one day when the OC will want to live with our loving and stable household. I know it will come. And that day I will be on top of the world with my loving husband and beautiful kids by my side. The OW can't touch what I got, not now and not ever again.<P>I hope my words have given you a perspective into what went into my decision making process. Dig deep into your heart and soul and play out all senario's in your mind. Then discuss them with you H. You might surprise yourself with your inner strength.<P>Best of luck. <P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I appreciate all your comments, but still cannot fathom life with OC. I know myself pretty well, and doubt even when I feel our marriage can handle it I will open myself up to the other child. Perhaps I am cold, and not as selfless as those of you who have been able to do that, but that is how I feel. I can live with knowing I blocked my husband seeing OC for now, and keeping the child away from my own children. My husband worries our kids will resent him if they find out about OC years from now,without him telling him themselves, but I think I rather deal with potential future resentment then than destroy my kids' lives now for certainty. I know this comes from a place of what I need to protect myself and kids, but that is how I feel.If my husband wants us in his life, and his kids with me, he may have to accept that.