This is my first time in this site and I have been reading some of your stories and decided to get some advice on mine. I have been married for 1 year (yesterday). When I was 6 months pregnant with our child I found out that he had cheated before we were married and may have gotten her pregnant. Well, last month (the child is now 1 year old) we found out that it is his. We are now going through all the usual (or so I am told) procedures. He had no idea that she was pregnant until after she had the child and does not want anything to do with the child (his choice). She lives at home with her parents, goes to school, and doesn't even work. Where as we are living with HIS parents and he is working his butt off to get us out. So, now we have our son to support along with her child. My husband wants to sign over paternal rights but we were told that he can't. She constantly calls and shows up at his family's homes and they let her. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this difficult time in our marriage?

Dear Jessry,<P>Welcome. We are usually a very lively group on the MB Forum but things have been a bit slow this week. You will find many wonderful people here with a variety of experiences and views.<P>Although your H did not have an affair, since you were not married at the time, you were obviously in a serious relationship with each other, so I imagine the pain and betrayal is the same as if you had already been married.<P>We have all been in your shoes and it is a painful place to be when you find out that another woman has a child with the man that you intended to build your life with and build your family around. The good news is that many of us have been surviving this tragedy for years and have gotten our marriages back on track. I am sure that you can too.<P>My H and I went to counselling at the very beginning and it helped a lot. The counsellor said that we should talk openly and honestly about what had happened, what led to the affair, etc. He also said that my H should answer all of my questions honestly and without anger, even if I asked the same question more than once.<P>I read a number of books on affairs and relationships. These are available at bookstores and there are many titles at your local library as well. There are a number of stages that you go through after discovery - anger, hurt, grief -- the books helped to put these feelings into perspective and to help me figure out how I could handle them.<P>Since your H does not want contact, it may be easier for you to concentrate on re-building your marriage. Your H should clearly re-commit himself to your family and do whatever he can to make you feel secure. Even then, there will be times when you get angry over child support being used for the OC that could have bought something for your own child.<P>As far as your in-laws letting her in their house, perhaps it would help if you and your H sat down with them and explained that the two of you are trying to work on strengthening your marriage, your H intends to support the OC, but that continued contact with the OW will destroy your marriage and ask them to please not let her in.<P>Hopefully, if your in-laws care about your H's happiness, they will see that allowing this woman into their home is only prolonging the hurt in your marriage.<P>Good luck. You will be in my prayers as you start on this journey to restore your trust in your H and your marriage. Post often, especially when you are feeling low and need some moral support.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

jessry, The oc in my life is from a fling my H had before we were married. This time is very difficult. What helped my H and I get through it, when I first found out , and even today, three years later,is staying strong for each other, and for your child. When I first found out it nearly killed me. I could not do much of anything, I did not leave the house for days, I could not cook or clean and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I was pregnant with our second child and our first was 3 at the time. I realized my actions were not doing my family any good. I decide there was no way I was going to let this thing beat me. I refused to let the ow ruin my life. I felt that was what she was trying to do. She had sent me notes and bothered my husband for years before she told me about herself. It was like if she could not have my h she wanted me and him to be unhappy together. Stay strong together, this will let her know that she is not going to beat you. It sounds like she is trying to by her visits and other actions. I hope this will give you some help to begin your road to recovery and healing. This forum has given me insight and strength and I am sure it will be of help to you. Peace, Gabi1116

Thanks Heavenly for your reply. We have tried that approach with his parents, but his mother insists that she will have something to do with "her" grandchild and that she can't be "rude". She even told me the other day that the OW was "pretty when she was skinny". Like I really needed that one after just having a child.

Gabi116, that is exactly what is happening to us. She stalked me for a year before he even did it (I know). And know that is what she wants, my life. Thanks for your story. I was beginning to feel like the only one.

Jessry, I was just wondering how things were going for you. Let us know how it all is when you have time. This is such a hard time for you and having this site can be a big help. It has been for me, I wish I had found it sooner. Your first post really got to me, sounded similar to mine, in how it occured before you were married and how you found out after. Do you think you would have still married your H if you had found out before? Gabi1116

Dear Jessry,<P>Don't lose hope -- in-laws can be so stupid about this OC business. My MIL took the same position -- that regardless of what happened with the adults, the OC is her grandchild. She put the child's picture on the mantel with the rest of her grandchildren and I had to look at it every time we visited.<P>I guess the only solution is to keep working towards a place of your own and keeping up your inner strength until you do. Since you cannot control who your MIL lets into your house, maybe you and your H should make a deal that if the OW drops by, you will both simply leave the house. If you are not there to be tortured, she will probably get tired of her little game. <P>I doubt very much that it is "grandma" she wants to see. She only wants to cause trouble between you and your H. Well, she can't if you're not there!<P>love<BR>- heavenly

If I would have known about it before we got married I don't think I would have married him. I knew she was saying she was and that it was his, but he "swore" nothing ever happened and I believed him. I do love my husband and that along with the fact that we have a child together is the only reason that I stayed with him when I found out. As to the picture on the mantle, his Uncle had the OC picture on his fridge last time we were over there. We are currently working on getting out of our living situation. We are moving out of the city all together. It just seems to be taking forever to get all the court things over with. They sent the papers to our old address and we missed the court date, so now we have to wait another month. The waiting is what is getting to me the most.