Ow is expecting baby in less than a month. SHe doesn not want anything to do with the baby. She plans on giving the baby up at birth. My H wants to take full custody of this baby. He said it was my decision. I feel guilty if I say no, yet I think its unfair at the same time. It will be a reminder of the ow all the time and the baby that should have been ours. <P>What would you do in this situation? I feel like a bad person to say no, yet he is the one who created this situation. Thanks for the advice ahead of time<BR>Ginger

Heartripped,<BR>Adopting a child under any circumstances is a tremendous decision. These circumstances are beyond tremendous.<BR>Think long and hard about what you want. And there is NO cause for you to feel any guilt about your final decision. <BR>You are right, that child will always be a constant reminder of H's A. If in your heart you know that you will never be able to get past that it would not be fair to the child to adopt. Also keep in mind, ow may change her mind about not wanting any contact and come knocking on your door some day.<BR>You asked what others would do, I for one could not accept oc.<P>Jtigger

Dear HR,<P>Jtigger has made an excellent point -- if the OW knows where the child is there is nothing to stop her from knocking on your door one day. That is something that I had not thought of.<P>I would agree with Jtigger that if you are not adopting for the right reasons, it is better to let the child have a life with a family that will want her and love her for who she is. <P>Even though, understandably you may have some guilty thoughts, there is no point in your taking on a lifelong commitment that might tear you and your H apart. <P>You did not create the situation and you should not feel guilty about anything. You should be doing everything in your power, with the help of your H, to rebuild your marriage. If you will not be able to do that with the reminder of the A always in your life, then it is better not to make the commitment.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Ginger~<P>Here's what I would have and could have done, if that happened to me: <P>If my H's OW didn't want the baby and was going to put OC up for adoption and my H wanted the baby, I would insist that I adopt the OC and be his/her legal mom. This way, OW would have no legal leg to stand on if she tried to come back. That doesn't mean she couldn't try and visits later, but if she has no parental rights, you wouldn't have to let her in your lives. My H and I had three children of our own and adopted two. It's a big responsibility, but it has been well worth it. For me, the OC would be a reminder of the A, but really there doesn't have to be an OC to be reminded of the A. No one really forgets that it happened. I can honestly say, I wish my H's OW was doing what your H's OW is doing.<P>It's a tough decision to be made and one you and your H need to talk extensively about together. Never let guilt enter your thoughts or let guilt make you do something you don't truly feel in your heart is the <B>right</B> thing to do for you. My prayers are with you!!<P>Hugs,<BR>Tammy<P>------------------<BR><B>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown~</B>

I can't pull up responses and I'm trying to see if posting will help.

wow... i wish the OW would give her baby up to us. that would make my life a bunch easier. please check out the post under lsb's topic: feeling up & down. It tells how I came to the decision to allow OC into our lives. Perhaps it will help you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have to agree with Zebra, if the mother of the oc in our life would have done this, how much easily our life would be. Gabi1116