Me and my wife have recently gone through an ordeal of an affair. She was the one with the affair. She claims if I had not have been questioning her about her whereabouts and her going ons she wTould never have done this. She claims I gave her no privacy. I have been seperated from her for about 3 months, and she wants me to stay away for about a year. She states this but continues to show interest in me and my world, whenever something happens that she sees her way she goes into a behavior of demanding. I have been ealing with this for nearly 7 months, and a really am lonely for copaniomnship. I know that I am becoming vervanable to the opposite sex espiscally those that are close to me and know of my situation. To the point of trust, it appears she finds something like me asking, or doing something that normally husbands do, and she sees it as if I want control. It's like a rollercoaster and I am getting dizzy. I have never thought I would ever even be here, I have been in love with my wife for over 20years, and I have never thought in my deepest of my being that I would ever consider looking at alternatives. I have already been in dialogue with a female and at first I felt bad but I knew my wife did not want me anymore, and she was unwilling to discuss the affair. She thinks her issues are deep and beyound the affiar, in fact the affiar is a product of what she was not getting from me she claims. please give some input becasue I am at a pivotal place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Me and my wife have recently gone through an ordeal of an affair. She was the one with the affair. She claims if I had not have been questioning her about her whereabouts and her going ons she wTould never have done this. She claims I gave her no privacy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fog fog fog fog fog. She had an affair because it suited her needs at the time. It met needs that you did not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been seperated from her for about 3 months, and she wants me to stay away for about a year. She states this but continues to show interest in me and my world, whenever something happens that she sees her way she goes into a behavior of demanding. I have been ealing with this for nearly 7 months, and a really am lonely for copaniomnship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What have you done about this? Are you in a Plan A? Not, have you tried to be nice, but have you been in a real, planned-out Plan A. If not and you want your W back, get in one. NOW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that I am becoming vervanable to the opposite sex espiscally those that are close to me and know of my situation. To the point of trust, it appears she finds something like me asking, or doing something that normally husbands do, and she sees it as if I want control.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Describe what "normally husbands do". If you are doing something that bothers your W, you are destroying her love for you, period. Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have never thought I would ever even be here, I have been in love with my wife for over 20years, and I have never thought in my deepest of my being that I would ever consider looking at alternatives. I have already been in dialogue with a female and at first I felt bad but I knew my wife did not want me anymore, and she was unwilling to discuss the affair. She thinks her issues are deep and beyound the affiar, in fact the affiar is a product of what she was not getting from me she claims. please give some input becasue I am at a pivotal place. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, now you are doing what your W did/does. Justifying an inappropriate extramarital relationship. Are you divorced? No. So you are married.

Your emotional needs right now are not being met by your W. Any woman meeting any emotional needs right now puts you at risk for having an affair. People don't PLAN to have affairs. You need to be in a plan to NOT have an affair. That means discontinuing any and all contact with someone that the relationship has reached an inappropriate level. This includes the woman of whom you speak.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She does'nt trust me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From your post, she shouldn't, and YOU shouldn't trust yourself. People who trust themselves with these things have affairs. You shouldn't trust your W, either.

Trust is earned. If you have not earned it (read up on the Policy of Protection), then it should not surprise you that your spouse does not trust you.

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Dear Takola,
I am not able to find any insight on the policy of protection.

You will get more responses if you post in the “Emotional Needs” or “General Questions” forum.

Me and my wife have recently gone through an ordeal of an affair. She was the one with the affair. She claims if I had not have been questioning her about her whereabouts and her going ons she wTould never have done this. She claims I gave her no privacy.

This is just an excuse used by your wife to put the blame for her bad behavior onto you. You are not responsible for her affair. She is. You are both responsible, however for the state of your marriage. They are two very different things.

She thinks her issues are deep and beyound the affiar, in fact the affiar is a product of what she was not getting from me she claims.

To a point, she is correct about this. When a person’s emotional needs are not met, they fall out of love a little at a time. The MB concept for this is the ‘love bank’. (That by the way is what is happening to you now.) So at some point she became vulnerable to having an affair. Then she did not do what she needed to do.. 1) tell you what she needed over and over until you heard it. 2) She did not protect her own vulnerability. (Read about Emotional Needs and the Love Bank. Search this web site to find the material on this.)

I have been separated from her for about 3 months, and she wants me to stay away for about a year.

Separation is not good for a marriage. Are you even sure that she is not still having an affair? Do you have children? If so how are you handling them?

She states this but continues to show interest in me and my world, whenever something happens that she sees her way she goes into a behavior of demanding. I have been ealing with this for nearly 7 months,

Yes, she does not really know what she wants. We call it the ‘fog’ of an affair.

To the point of trust, it appears she finds something like me asking, or doing something that normally husbands do, and she sees it as if I want control.

This is typical…

It's like a roller coaster and I am getting dizzy.

Most of us here have ridden on that roller coaster before.. affairs do that to the BS. Your wife is more than likely on a very similar roller coaster. That she will not discuss her affair with you or her real feelings will only serve to keep both of you on that roller coater for a longer time than is necessary.

As for your seeking out other women. It is not wise to see anyone until you have resolved the relationship with your wife. You are still married. It is not fair to any woman you would get involved with. And it will cause you even more turmoil than you are in right now. Any relationship you have right now will be a ‘transitional’ relationship. It will not last. If you and your wife do get back together then your wife will perceive you as having had an affair too. Yes, regardless of her behavior she will more than likely hold you to a higher standard. It will go a long way to help her excuse her own behavior.

My advice is that you read the book “Surviving an Affair”. It’s sold on this web site, amazon.com and at most bookstores. It is the book that saved my marriage after I discovered my husband’s affairs 2 years ago. It is the road map to rebuilding your marriage. After reading that book, read “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”.

And if your marriage is beyond repair, following the steps in the book, you will know that you did every thing humanly possible to save your marriage.

You can then move on to a new life in peace. Then you will have the MB concepts for building a happy, passionate marriage under your belt and you can prevent any new relationship from even starting down this painful path.

Before you make any decisions read the book. Ok?

Check here for the policy of protection.

<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3902_rules.html" target="_blank">The Four Rules
for a Successful Marriage</a>

Zoreb,
Thanks for your comments and support. I must confess that I have read a lot of the book surviving an affair, but it was like shallowing cod liver oil. It was hard and painful, it kept bringing up the thoughts and feelings of where my W was. It keeps showing me the depth of our situation. In addition, I do have children and they are taking this hard. My 15yr old is having such a hard time that my wife wants her to leave the home, and she states she does'nt care what happens to her. I'm getting much deeper than I thought I would, for you see for the majority of our marriage I have been the nuturing parent in all capacities with our children while my wife went thourgh her personal stuff. I thought I was doing a good thing, but I may have enabled her. She does'nt even care if she is in school. Also, I have read the book love busters and His needs Her needs. The thing is the more I read the more I realize that without her move to want our marriage it is a difficult mission. She claims that she only wants space at this time, and that she has no need to invovle herself in another person.

I assume that you left your children with your wife?

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Yes I have left the kids with my wife, and I must be honest her behavior with the kids is quite bazzar. I am reflecting on strongly dissolving our marriage over the way things continue to be which is "TENSE". But, at the same time I love her still so much and it's like a nightmare that refuses to end. I am still praying for a radical miracle.

I can see if there is any information on the website about it. I have honestly never looked. The Policy of Protection is mentioned in "Marriage Insurance" (by Dr. Harley). I think it really is embodied in the Policy of Joint Agreement. Basically, never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

If she says it hurts, that's because it hurts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The thing is the more I read the more I realize that without her move to want our marriage it is a difficult mission.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, this is perhaps the hardest realization of your MB "walk". It is difficult. You CAN'T control it. You CAN influence her decision, however.

She has a decision to make. You need to make changes to yourself so that the marriage looks to her like a viable solution where her needs will be met and her feelings and interests protected and valued. You need to learn to listen even when you disagree, and validate those feelings.

Right now, pushing too hard is a LB in and of itself. Treat "space and lack of pressure" as an EN that your W has right now.

Can you begin to list her other ENs? Do you have a list already (from the MB weekend)? What are your LBs? (From your wife's perspective, not from yours.) Use the Policy of Radical Honesty. You should be Radically Honest, just don't use it as an excuse to LB.

You have to raise your balance in your W's "Love Bank". The higher this is, the greater your chances of success. (just don't artificially inflate it with lies and empty promises) Once you have increased intimacy a little (and after you have learned to respectfully state your feelings and negotiate), begin negotiating the end of the A (NO CONTACT), and a commitment to the M and a recovery plan.

You will have to negotiate it. You can't just Plan A blindly and expect your W to have an epiphany on the road to Damascus. Won't happen.

Have you read up on the Giver and the Taker? Your W's Taker is in control right now. When you negotiate, you are negotiating with her Taker. Remember that. It's rough. It hurts. It feels like all hope is gone at times...been there, done that...but it CAN be done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She claims that she only wants space at this time, and that she has no need to invovle herself in another person. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her Taker will claim whatever it has to to maintain a lifestyle that meets her needs. It will justify anything and everything, and lie like a dog. Don't trust what she says or what the waters seem to be at any given moment. Do NOT be reactionary. Have a plan and stick to it.

As Zorweb says, it IS a rollercoaster. The rollercoaster is a famous given out here on MB. It will go up and down. You can stabilize it a bit by focusing on the plan and not following it up or down.

<small>[ May 22, 2003, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>