I was just wondering if you have been around reading , but not posting. I have noticed that you have not been around lately. Hope you are doing okay. Drop a post and let me know what's up. Gabi1116

Thanks for asking about me...I was lurking tonite for the first time in a few days and would have missed this if I hadn't scrolled down.<BR>I'm in a really dark place right now. In therapy last week my therapist asked H to leave the room and she started asking me about my medicines and general health.(As you may know I'm a "recovered" anorexic). I asked to be put on prozac right after the birth of my son, and have a thyroid condition. I began the prozac in Nov. 00 and stopped it myself 4 weeks later.(I resented the fact that I had to go back on it, I spent 8 years on it in the past and felt I had finally reached control of my life 6 years later and WHAM!...was hit by the Mac truck that has hit all of us.)<BR>Anyway I then began to get depressed again, and started to forget my thyroid pill(I would take it in the am and if I forgot just rationalized that I would take it the next day and then a few days turned into a few weeks.) I haven't taken that in about 5 weeks. My therapist noticed I was more emotional in our sessions and I admitted to not taking them. She read me the riot act (in a VERY sweet way!), and I desrved it. I went to my doc and have started the prozac again and he is checking the thyroid...apparently that can correct itself with meds...<BR>What does this have to do with my dark place? When I was hospitalized for my eating disorder for the second time, I was severly depressed. I would explain to the docs there that it was if I was standing over a black hole that covered a large magnet, and I had a pound of lead in my stomach and couldn't hold myself up anymore. I am feeling that again. Except this time I'm not a college student who can put things on hold to work this out. I have a soon to be 6 yr old, just turned 4 yr old and an infant. My life isn't stopping...it is just going past me and I'm stuck on this circle and can't move.<BR>My H is doing all he can to help me, well all that he feels he can. I have been withdrawing and he is reminded of the fact that I have withdrawn in the past, and I said I need his help, and he has said he is tired of having to initiate every move. I just don't have the motivation.I am resentful that I would have to make any first move to get back to him. As selfish as this may sound, I need him to make me feel special, and maybe in some extraordinary ways. But I feel I deserve that, and shouldn't have to explicitly explain in detail what he needs to do(although I have)I feel that if I give him ideas he could go from there...<BR>I have been less focused, irritable, non-responsive and crying at every moment I can(the shower, parking lot at dance class, ect...)<BR>It all started after Retrouvaille...PLEASE listen to me, all who read this...I got sooooo much out of that weekend, invaluable tools and information. What happened there to me was wonderful, but one particular aspect really freaked me out.<BR>My H affair was with a person he worked with. He was with her about 6-7 times in a hotel room while on his business trips (once was in her house). The retreat is held in a hotel, and the minute I walked into that room I realized this, the walls began to close, and had to leave. I went to get ice, and cried. I returned and explained why I left...he understood and held me. She was everywhere in that room. What this has to do with anything is that I have these "movies and images" in my head that although I never believed it would happen, they began to be less frequent. Mine were of them in an bed surrounded by darkness. I don't spend alot of time in hotels so I really didn't imagine a backround. The picture of that room is now eched in my mind and has become the backround of my movies that have come back worse and more vivid.<BR>I also told him not to touch me intimately in that room and he didn't (It was strange though as we were leaving, I felt like pushing him down and attacking him,almost as if to reclaim him there, but couldn't)Anyway, she has now put up a cot in my bedroom so to speak.(I think I spoke of this in the chatroom)The night after we got back we were intimate and I had this sort of out of body experience, and it was as if I was hovering over our bed and could feel what was going on, but was watching him with her. It was horrifing! I now can't even think about him in that way now, and I'm scared that I can't get thru this.<BR>I called my therapist in tears today after a "discussion" that my H and I had this am. She was only going to see me next week but now wants to see him alone and then have me join them.She told me what she wants to explain to him and I think it will help. <BR>So, sorry about the long and rambling post. I guess I do need to talk! Sorry I didn't have any better news, but it feels great to know you all are here for me. Hugs to all and a good weekend to you!

Hey NGU, sorry to hear how things are going for you. I have some back posts which I think may help. In reference to your experiences with thoughts and images of H and ow sexually. This is not abnormal so I am told. I have had and still do,notas much, had thoughts about the actual act that was commited. As I think I told you in the chat roonm of the place in which the oc was concevied during that one night stand . The bathroom at a bar, a famous bar in the state in which we both reside. Do you think I was ever able to go back to that bar? Well I forced myself to and I could not keep my eyes off the door to the dressing room where the bathroom was located. Well at least it was no in the general public bathroom. I forced myself to go to that bar because I hadr to beat this whole thing and I ad to face and beat every aspect of it. Believe it or not I am into my third year after discovery and the road of recovery and I have never had a single session with a therapist. I have read a lot, had a couple of very close and dear friends to talk to and one who happens to be a psychologist,but we have never had any formal sessions. Mostly over the phone and far and few between she lives long distance. I have always envyed others that have gone to therapy. I feel I would be even better off than I am now. The cs has really killed us finacially and we could not afford therapy. I have been tossing the idea around about speaking to my md about meds. I am currently taking zyban to quit smoking and I have been smoke free for almost two months. Well zyban I learned after I started taking it is an anti-depressant. I have noticed that things have not been getting to me as much of awhile. Well just lately the last two months only around my time of month the crying for no reason started again. I am going to ob/gyn in a couple of weeks and going to discuss PMDD and Sera Fem. So I think these things will help. Them I thought that maybe it was the up and coming meeting with the oc and my family in the next month or so. I think so meds will help me get thru it better. And I think I am going to mention the oc thing to the dr. maybe I can get insurance to cover some therapy. But I read somewhere that only insurance pays if you are diagonised with a disorder. Any infor on this would be helpful. Anyway getting back to your subject NGU do as your screen name says. Never Give Up!!!!!!!!!!!!This is what I vowed to do over three years ago and this is what has been my saving thought when things started to overcome me. Hey we have been chatting since I never finished this post adn I just cam e back to finish so since we chatted I can end it now. Talk to you again, Peace ANGEL

Dear Not Giving Up,<P>Im new (again) here and I just wanted to say to<BR>please take good care of yourself. My sister suffered<BR>with anorexia for over 10 yrs. It can be so devastating.<BR>You have your beautiful children. I know how "easy"<BR>it is to put aside your own well being because you are<BR>so preoccupied with the unhealthy thoughts in your head.<BR>I lost too much weight since finding out.<BR>Im very conscious of the outcome and need to not let myself fall too far into that trap. I feel my sister is our<BR>guardian angel now and is looking down on us lending us<BR>the strenght we need. I look forward to talking with you<BR>more. Take Care!

not giving up,<BR>What I do when the creepy crawlers try to get in my head is this is going to sound crazy but it works. I say devil leave me alone I refuse to let you in and just keep saying that as soon as you start letting your mind wander.I can feel the peace come over me right away. I still find myself wandering from time to time so I have not conquer it totally yet. You are in control what your mind thinks try to remember that. I know its easier said then done but just refuse to let these thoughts to even get started and it gets easier as time goes on. Pratice makes perfect.<BR> with love flowerseed

Dear NGU,<P>Those demons get to all of us. Try to focus on the special love that you and your H share -- that is nothing like the stolen moments that he had with the OW.<P>I know how hard it is to be intimate again, but I fear that the marriage cannot get on track until you restore the intimacy as soon as possible. Sex is universal -- there are certain steps and every person in the world takes those same steps -- what gives it meaning between the two people is the caring and sharing of their lives. That OW never shared your H's life. She was never privy to the confidences, private jokes, or the love that exists between you two. <P>The OC can never come close to the children whose smile he sees every morning and kisses goodnight every evening. You have a life with this man. She had sex with him -- nothing more.<P>The unhappiness in your post made me want to reach out and hug you to reassure you that those feelings get easier and in some cases subside altogether. Believe in all of us, who have been through it before you. You can and will make it through. As gabi said, just don't give up.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

NGU:<P>I've been gone all week from the forum, though I lurk daily. I am in the midst of packing for a move and won't be online again until late next week but I read your post and was compelled to respond.<P>You are in the early stages of recovery and still severly traumatized. <P>When I was where you are now, I decided to be bold and face my demons. My theory was to not only face them, but to confront them as much and as soon as possible to take away the power of these demons. <P>I flew out to NY on a spontaneous knee jerk impulse in August 99 just before OW gave birth. I just had to meet her, I just had to see her. It was the smartest thing I ever did. I was extremely disarming and garnered all the information I wanted and needed during our conversation. Demons dismissed.<P>My husband and I flew out to NY in March 2000 for court hearing and ironically, were forced to stay in the same hotel that he had stayed in with her the previous year during their fling. I knew the room number they had and one evening while my husband was engrossed in TV, rode the elevator down alone to their floor and walked into room 825. <P>The door was open because they were remodeling that wing of the hotel and I stood there for five minutes imaging their entire weekend. I remember leaning against the door jamb and staring at the bed and the furniture in the room. I felt the uncomfortable thudding in my chest and my heart squeeze and my eyes and nose stinging. The tears ran in sheets and my nose was running. I felt a very real physical reaction; a rolling in my stomach, hot prickly sensation over my scalp....the pain was amazing. I could hardly stand it or the images in my hallucination, but I kept standing there, waiting for it to go away.<P>I looked into the bathroom and walked around the room, trying to imagine their conversations and actions and then suddenly a wave washed over me, and then felt nothing. The room no longer felt exaggerated and just looked like any hotel room. My breathing returned to normal and I no longer heard my heart beating. Demon dismissed.<P>My point is, sometimes we need to face the demons full force in order to get rid of them forever...or at least take away their power. I still think of that room and the irony of it all, but things are different now. When my husband and I attended Retrouvaille in March of 1999, it was too soon for us. Discovery had only been four months and the discovery of the OC had opnly been two months. he was still screwed up emotionally and mentally from what he had done and was still scared and combative thinking that things were never going to work out between us, that too much damage had been done, so why bother. In fact, it wasn't until that summer that he shook that mindset. <P>Fast forward to today and he is a dream. But it took him over a year to pull his head out of his "self". He was far too traumatized, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed and remorseful to give me what I needed in the beginning when I needed it the most. I don't know why we don't get what we need from them when we need it, and deserve it...I'm not sure why they don't fall on their knees with gratitude when they are allowed to stay in the marriage or why we are the ones who put forth the lion's share of the effort, but this is how it ususally starts. <P>My husband was a hard case, too, because he is alcoholic and bipolar and can be a real sonovabytch. He was combative and ugly to me and I was so hurt and stunned he could treat me with such hostility and contempt when he should be grateful for another chance. But instead I got shots, remarks, rejection and coldness. It was awful.<P>Something happened though...and I am not sure what or when it did or how it began but all of a sudden he fell deeply in love with me all over again.<P>I tell people he is like he used to be before his fall from grace, but better...I like to refer to him as David "squared".<P>We were seperated all week due to the upcoming move. He spent the week at the new house while I stayed here and packed and tied up loose ends. I had a hell of a week second guessing whether or not I should stay in the marriage and contemplating what my life would be like on my own. I did much soul searching and even made a feeble attempt to make up with God. <P>Yesterday morning, my husband had to come home for a legal issue. I was sitting on the phone in the kitchen talking to his Mom when I saw his truck round the corner across the pond. I quickly got off the phone and ran to the front door as he backed into the driveway. He opened the door to his truck and turned and saw me standing there and the look of love that washed over his face was something to behold. He came in the door and took me in his arms and held me and squeezed me for several minutes, kissing me and telling me how he couldn't stop thinking of me, of us and how much he loved me and missed me. He wouldn't let me go. I thought of how there was a time where I begged and pleaded to God to allow us to feel this way about each other again. While he kissed me I thought of how far we had come in these past two and a half years; that it is true...in some ways we are better then ever...<P>I often look back at the very early stages of recovery just after discovery 1 and 2, and wonder about his cold and rejecting ways and have come to realize that that was not him...that was not the 'real' David. This is. <P>As for the mental images, I still have them. They don't come as often nor are they as powerful or as destructive as they once were, but they still show up from time to time. I ride it out. I allow them to overtake me, I then cry, rage, scream or throw something and then I am all better. Works for me. I no longer cry in the shower or in my car..well, maybe in my car, but it is no longer shoulder shaking sobs as I nearly careen off the road into ravines, but just a single tear or two.<P>Give yourself time, NGU. Be patient but firm with your husband and if you want to get better, you will have to take some responsiblity for it and not expect your husband to do it all because he is not capable of doing so...even though he should. His attempts to help you heal and restore you may come later when he knows you aren't going anywhere and that you have recommitted yourself to him and to your marriage. While it is absolutely true that you will not be able to fully recover or forgive until you feel you have been justly compensated for your pain, it is also true that this will not happen all at once but over a long period of time.<P>You are in my prayers, NGU...keep posting and coming here for strength, advice and comraderie...the people on this site are the most lovely and compassinate I have even had the pleasure of knowing and they have helped me so...let them help you get through this terrible time in your life...and know you are cared for here.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=<P>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited March 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited March 24, 2001).]