Saw our new therapist today. Of course I liked her since she kind of supported my position, husband did not, but the word separation came up and I am really scared. In a nutshell, we described my husband's 3 year affair, child out of this age 1 with whom he had contact until he ended affair and has had no contact for 2 months. . It came to a head in therapy, the therapist asked what if anything would allow me to forgive him and move on, I said, I can work with him about the affair, improve our marriage, take responsibility where I failed and make it better, but I cannot tolerate contact with OC. H knows the OW has photos of him and his name and will keep him in the picture of OC, or though the therapist alluded to the fact that may not be helpful to the child either. I do not think my husband picked up on that. She said she didn't think he could be the kind of Dad he wants to be to OC-the soccer Dad-- and still be married to me. She actually said, if you cannot come to terms with this,"Why not separate?" if you really cannot live without contact, and your wife, (me) is very clear this is too hurtful for her to heal, maybe the only way to deal with this is to separate. It scares me, but therein lies the crux of the issue. The therapist also worried that it seemed as if my H wants to keep contact with OW, and he said yes, he did to gain info on OC but then admitted he missed her. That pissed me off as he had told me he barely thinks of her, now I here he misses her and wonder if that is what this is really about.He does not want to work on us.WE go back to therapy next week, the therapist asked us to think of separation and various scenarios that could play out, but it scares me. The thought of separating leading to divorce and having my kids deal with that breaks my heart, and now my H who drove with me to appointment with therapist wanted not to talk at all about situation-said he had been yelled at by me for an hour and that was enough. I told him if he chooses to separate, I am scared.Tell me what you think-what to do.At least I felt the therapist really got that I think my husband had not really thought out his decision on effects of our kids and the OC-and when she suggested his contact may not be good for child, he brissled and said well lots of others will think differently.<P>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

Isb,<BR>Does your H's desire to have contact with oc come from guilt or an honest desire of wanting to be a dad. If it is wanting to be "daddy" he has to know that even if you seperate that it will be an impossible scenerio. He can't be all things to 2 different families. <BR>If the guilt is bad now , what does he think it will be like after he destroys 2 families.<BR>I would continue with the counseling, but I would hold my ground. Allowing contact when you are not emotionally ready for it is only going to increase your anger and bitterness. ( not to mention it is down right unfair to you )<BR>Just my .02 worth.<P>Jtigger

Jtigger, I keep reminding him missing her is nothing like missing the two kids we have whom he has seen daily for the last 5-9years of their lives. I and I think the therapist was trying to tell him the life he imagines as her father may not be as he imagines it, certainly not with me. but you are right, breaking up our family because of his mistakes will kill his life with his kids, and he minimizes how our kids will feel about that. He thinks our kids will understand since they know he loves them, I keep telling him you expect too much of them.even if he tells them he made a mistake and he is sorry, they are not going to understand that-he has told me the same and I am not doing well with that, and I have more coping resources than they. I hope next week we play our more "what if" scenariosI feel like i have pushed him against the wall, but a wall that has been spoken about before, just not so eloquently perhaps.I pray he realizes the right choice and chooses me and I think perhaps as time away from her goes by, he will realize this. Maybe I should back off-I do not know.<P>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 19, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

Isb,<BR>I am sure ow is doing her best to encourage the guilt.<BR>I hope your therapist explains to your H that he is living in a fantasy world if he thinks all of you will live like one big happy family if he sees oc without you being emotionally ready.<P>Jtigger<P><p>[This message has been edited by Jtigger (edited March 23, 2001).]

4tigger, I found a xmas card from the OW to my H stating she would always love him but needed to let him go to be happy, so they could continue to be friends and parent the child. It made me sick,and her email to me mentioned she would not contact my H or me as long as my H kept his promises to child. I asked him what she meant by that, and he said he didn't know, other than the CS we pay, which is huge, but now I wonder if he felt pushed to commit time, father hood , etc. I know the OW has communicated to me her belief the child has the right to know my kids as half siblings, like we would be one big happy family. I do not get it. ANyway, I fear my husband will not choose us over parenting the child-and then what will I have left? A destroyed marriage I built my life on, two kids destroyed by this, a whole world I would have to change-cannot stay where I am as we live in a very expensive part of country and I would have to move out of the area to survive.That frightens me,although the same would be true of H and he would not see the OC either in that case.What a mess. I still feel I should stand my ground. I feel a lot better myself since the session, although I know my husband is angry. Oddly he thought we should seek therapist/professional to get their take on situation, and when we do and it is not to his liking, he belittles it. I think he will discount what she says just to support his viewpoint, which is very maddening. Everyone-would love your thoughts on this.

Isb, I am alittle tired right now and was not really going to post just read alittle and then hit the hay, but there was one thing in your last post that I felt I need to comment on now while it was still fresh. The ow feels her child has the right to met and know your children, the half silblings I diagree with this. The only right I think she and her child have is to receive support in a $ way, if we are refering to legal rights. The only right legally your h would seem to have is to get visitation, if he so chooses. Maybe morally it would be right to have the children met, but no one can force you or make you think it really is a right. I refused to have my children anywhere near the oc or his mother for the last three years, and for that matter I did not allow my h to see him also. He told me I had the say and could make all the calls. I / we have decided that it was in the best interest of the children to know each other and it took a huge court fight to get it , now that we wanted it the mother who had in the past wanted it decided to fight it. It was almost as if she wants what we do not on purpose just to go aganist us. Anyway, I am getting off the issue, I just wanted to tell you please try and stay strong, and do not let others bully you. This is your life and the decisions that will be made are important life altering ones not to be taken lightly or rushed into. I wish you the best, try and explain to your H and the therapist that these things that are being asked of you should not be rushed or you should not be pushed into anything quickly. Stay well, Peace. Gabi1116

Just one more thought, you are still in the early healing period, it took me years. How can anyone expect you to accept a child into your life when you have not even been able to get thru the hurt and healing. This is not fair to ask of you. Gabi 1116

Dear lsb,<P>Don't let talk of separation scare you too much. On the second visit to our counsellor, he said the same thing to me and my H. He was only trying to get us to imagine the worst as a way of shaking us back to reality. He was trying to get my H out of "the fog" and trying to get me to be a little more reasonable.<P>Well, that was nearly a year ago and we are together and doing really well. After the counselling session, I used to get just like your H. I felt that so many things had been opened up and debated that I needed a brief time to re-adjust and I did not want to talk immediately about what had happened in counselling. But, eventually, I learned to deal with the stirred up emotions after the visit and we learned to communicate on a new, and much improved level.<P>I could not agree more with gabi that it is your call about your children meeting OC. You need to protect your children, the same way the OW is trying to push hers. You are the legal wife with the loving family, she is just a sperm recipient (for all the good it did her, it might as well have come from a bottle -- she got a child without the man). Your children and your marriage comes FIRST - no ifs, ands, or buts.<P>What SHE wants does not figure into the equation until you say it does. I will also pray for your strength and wisdom to make the right decisions and to keep your marriage together.<P>With blessings<BR>- heavenly

Dear Isb,<BR>I will pray for your peace of mind today. I also felt like you in the beginning. I wanted my H to ignore C. He will not. C is coming in about 5-6 wks.<P>Fastforward to now, 4 months later. Through counseling and talking H said C would not change our lives together, that C would need to know he didn't abandon it.<P>I agreed to a third party set up . All of a sudden that became to difficult....he said it wouldn't work.....for who? for him.... I asked him to leave Sunday and have not heard from him since except for him to tell me we didn't even TRY. <P>I don't want to try.<P>I am tired and weary.<P>My problem is ow.<P>He says he loves me and wants us to grow old together, but I am surrounded with constant sightings of her. She lives 1/2 mile from us. She left her H over the A and devastated her 3 kids! I can't imagine what kind of crap she'll pull once dna proves H is father. She haunts me, I would never agree to him going there to get C.<P>Ok....OK..... I got off the track! Sorry. I decided I would rather be without him than have her and C in my marriage no matter what H says.<P>I am numb.<P>I do believe God will show me the path I should walk. I didn't think that a few days ago. I do now.<P>You must do what you feel is right in your heart Isb.<P>Bless you. Your posts remind me of myself so much they are hard to read. Your H reminds me of mine too. OHHHHHH!!!!!<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear lsb, Im so sorry for your pain and the upheaval<BR>this has brought to your family. It is very soon in<BR>your finding out and I believe H's say alot because <BR>it is such a difficult situation. You are in my<BR>prayers! Please stay strong! It sounds as if your<BR>H is in turmoil too. I'll pray he can remain focused<BR>on what you need. I wish there were a way to make it<BR>go away. Just know that there are alot of wonderful<BR>people here to listen and help.<P>Dear Gemini, Im so very sorry. Im sure you both are<BR>so stressed out and just dont know what to do in this<BR>unfortunate situation. How I wish women who make these<BR>mistakes would not want to perpetuate the mistake by<BR>bringing a child into the world that (thru no fault of<BR>his/her own) brings so many innocent people such <BR>heartwrenching grief. I know myself how much Ive gone<BR>over the possibilities of someday having to include the<BR>oc in our family - all the implications. I hope you know<BR>that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How I wish women who make these<BR>mistakes would not want to perpetuate the mistake by<BR>bringing a child into the world that (thru no fault of<BR>his/her own) brings so many innocent people such <BR>heartwrenching grief. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So right Fluke...I,for the life of me can not understand it except it will tie her to her former lover for a long time.<BR>Also hell has no fury like a woman scorned.<P>Just in talking in counseling and to many, many, women friends who know ow, all feel the pregnancy would destroy our marriage and ow knew it, so in spite of what my H said, her H and her Mom, and brothers, she went forth w/pregnancy.<P>She travels around town w/no shame. Even called out to me on one occasion and asked how I was doing....really mean-like and bold. I never answered. She's not done it since. I saw her 3 days in a row this week alone! K-mart,(I fled), getting a manicure,(while going to my car), and the mall,(she ignored me as if I didn't exist)....Again though I left and didn't shop for fear of seeing her in another store.<P>My H just thinks I should handle it! That it's like "I won the prize".....the prize being him.<P>The final kick on Sunday is he said he doesn't hate her...that they did this together.....I say she carried the kid w/o his help or decision....Alone!!!! Can't he see that?<P>Where's the logic?<P>Go figure.....<P>Well having "no emotional ties" doesn't belong w/ "I don't hate her" It sounds emotional to me....<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Isb,<P>I feel your pain. (Been There) H has partial custody of OC so we see OC every other weekend. Not perfect but moving on.<BR>Anyway, while H and I were in counseling our counselor stressed, stressed, and stressed again to H that the marriage comes first and whether he sees or doesn't see OC wasn't even important at that time. The counselor said H's responsibility was to be instrumental in repairing the marriage first - then talk about OC - when I was ready.<BR>The counselor also picked up that OW was still in the picture and probably had H thinking the only way for him to have a relationship with the OC is to live with him. Of course that meant leaving us. So H was sitting on the fence so to speak. I wonder if your H is sitting on the fence now due to OW influence.<BR>The other thing I remember about that time is that the counselor told H that of course the OW will take him to court for CS but that wouldn't be a big deal. He told H that if I took him to court, he would have something to worry about.<BR>Hopefully, your H will get his priorities straight. You come first. <BR>I will keep you in prayer.<P> CD<BR>

lsb,<BR>I dont know what to say other then I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. with love flowerseed

Flowerseed, gabi1116, CD, gemini1, heavenly26, <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]