My wife, of three years, recently came to me and said she was unhappy, and wanted to leave. My first reactions was to to get defensive and ask why. I am totally in love with her, and she seemed to be with me. I felt betrayed because she hadn't expressed her issues with me. She feels like I am verbally abusive. I didn't see it that way, but after listing to her and thinking about how I speak to her I can see that her points are valid. I am very cynical about life and am kinda a bring down in general. She has come back which shows me she does care and wants things to work, but she also says she no longer finds me attractive. Am I not attractive because of the way she felt I treated her? I am trying to change my reactions to given situations. I have bad anger issues and "anger outburst" are probably my biggest problem. I know it will take some time to get over this. How can I make myself attractive to her again? I, being selfish, want her to want me. What makes a man desirable? ? I can't all of a sudden find a job that will make me a ton-o-cash. How do I make finances better? I WANT nothing more then to love my wife and be loved by her. Please help me on this. PLEASE

Hi, DBG: I am new in this site, but not unfamiliar with your situation. First of all, verbal abuse, of which I know about, is a major Love Buster. Have you seen anything here yet about the MB principles? You may want to familiarize yourself with the MB principles right away. Next step is to stop the verbal stuff immediately, and get some control on that, regardless of what she says or how you feel. It is imperative to stop the madness. The next thing is to try to hear what she is saying to you.
Ask her what she means by "not attracted to you", although my guess is it is the verbal outbursts.
Own all of it, and give excuse for none of it, and let her talk. For MB to work, the abuse first has to stop. Ask the Lord to strengthen you to enact new diciplines in your life, and enact those self-control diciplines. There are no fast easy answers here, but ownership is the first and most important one. Keep talking and I'll be watching for you and will talk with you more about this important issue.
Blessings,
OHIT

DBG: This OHIT again....I forgot to tell you that I am a male. Secondly, I recommend that you move your post to "Emotional Needs", where you can get more traffic to see your posts. The more the merrier.

OHIT

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I shall copy and post this up there. I did not notice that right away..Again newbie. I do own up. It is just hard not to get defensive. She tends to not talk to me. Wither that's because she fears my response or because she really doesn't want to talk I don't know. She has never been good at vocalizing her feelings period.

DBG: Do the EN questionaire, and try to get her to do it with you. You will find it on this site.
You should read up on Love Busters, also. I would imagine that her reticence is due to BOTH a fear of you and perhaps she is a more introspective person, and less willing to talk about stuff.
I think that you need to respect her privacy, and just start filling her emotional needs - her Love Bank, if you will. It will be a process, but it will let her know that you are thinking of her and putting her first in your life. Kind words turn away anger......but for goodness sake, no more angry words, or you will have to start all over......I see you have moved your post. I'll keep watching for your further posts. All the best....

OHIT

I am sorry to hear of your problems. You have, however, found the right place. You might want to start with reading the Welcome post in my signature block. It will point you to information that can help you rebuild your marriage.

One thing for you and your wife to concider. Most of use have very poor relationship skills. It usually takes a crisis in our marriage to get us to seek the help we need. So here we are.... You and your wife have an opprotunity to rebuild your marriage from scratch. All is not lost.

Both of you would benefit greatly from reading the two books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They explain pretty clearly how you got to where you are today, and how to rebuild your marriage.

By the way, you'd get more responses if you posted in the "Emotional Needs" forum.. this one is for non-marriage topics so few people come here.

Good Luck.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

Zorweb is right. Do some reading here. And post this on 'Emotional Needs' board.

DBG: Since your wife says she finds you to be verbally abusive, start with reading about Love Busters and taking the Love Busters Questionnaire (LBQ) . Also, get and read together with your wife "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", and do all the questions and answers at the ends of the chapters.