Sounds crazy right? Well, I suggested just that to my husband, here's why...<BR>I'm tired of seeing this XOW as a slut, dog, street-booty, you name it. I know I can dwell on her loose morals for years and years to come. But why? Whatever her reasons for making the foolish, selfish choice she made, she's still a human being that we'll be dealing with one way or another for the next several years.<BR>But what could an apology accomplish? <BR>Well as much as I hate to think about it, but when I'm bashing her, every evil, hate-filled name I call her I can apply the same to my H. It took two to create this hell.<BR>An apology will some how help ME to acknowledge my H's lack of integrity and poor judgment at a painful time in his life. He now sees that there were far too many better options available to him for dealing with the emotional pain he was in when our marriage was in trouble. Counseling, talking to our pastor, praying, etc....All options that would have required time and patience to use, but would have yielded a far better result than the path he chose. <BR>Simply put, he pulled another human being (innocent or not doesn't matter) in the pain and chaos that was his life. Yes, she was all to willing, but he new better. He chose the simplest, quickest, most basic way to get his needs met. As a result, he hurt many loved ones in his life. He also hurt bystanders that had absolutely no business knowing his marital problems (aka XOW). <BR>Ultimately, I'd like for his conscious to be cleared for what he did. The only way for him to do that is to face the people he offended, and apologize. <BR>Yes, she agreed and knew the possible outcome, but I'm not as concerned about her conscious as I am his. Whether she ever accepts responsibility for her choice, I could care less. That's her dysfunctional problem.<BR>Another possible benefit??? <BR>If the shoe was on the other foot, and I were the XOW, I wonder how I would feel receiving a letter from him right now. I would surely wonder what bs he's trying to pull yet again. But instead of legal mumbo-jumbo, it's a letter apologizing for his mistake. Apologizing and acknowledging that his involvement with her was against God's will and not part of his divine plan for family, that it hurt many people, and above all, was a mistake on his part. <P>But that would just be a side dish. Ultimately, I want his conscious clear so the inevitable future guilt trips she'll try to pull will be null an void!<BR>Your thoughts????<BR>

Dear Matthew6,<P>You have put into words my H's very thoughts on his XOW. After many years of pretending forgiveness, I have truly forgiven him for what he did. I cannot describe to you the release of anger and hatred that such forgiveness has brought in my life. And, I forgave him for many of the reasons that you stated -- so that he and I can get on with our lives and not carry this stone with us in our hearts.<P>My H told me that he did exaclty what you said -- he sucked an outsider (XOW) in to the web of marital problems that we were experiencing. He led her on, told her lies, made her believe that they had a future. But all the time, in his heart, he knew that he never wanted to break up his marriage or his family.<P>The guilt that he has felt over "ruining" her life has been tremendous. He accepts that what he did also ruined a big part of our life, but the guilt is more intense about her because she had absolutely nothing to do with our lives and problems. At least, many of the problems that we had - we created.<P>For so long, I wanted to hear that he hated her, but he would never say it. He feels that he is the winner because we have each other and she is the loser because she is left with half a life. He feels sorry for the devastation that he caused her and, unlike with me, he knows that he can never make that up.<P>For the first time, I understand what he is saying. <P>I think that telling the XOW that what happened was a mistake actually closes the case between them. You are suggesting something very similar to a "no contact" letter. However, before offering a final opinion, it would be important to know what type of relationship your H has with her now. Is she still hoping that he will come back to her? Is she trying to make trouble between you? <P>I am asking because if she has accepted that the relationship is completely over and you only deal with her for issues concerning the OC, a letter at this point might peak her interest. It might make her think that your H is still thinking about her and could send the wrong message.<P>But, if she is still trying to cling to him, then it would be a good idea to let her know that he acknowledges the horrible mistake that he made and, most importantly, that the two of you are standing together from now on.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Heavenly,<P>Thanks for responding. The relationship between the two of them is certainly over. She understands that. But there has been no contact between her and us since November 2000. There was a breakdown in communication regarding OC.<BR>She wanted to be a part of the first visit which we both did not agree to.<BR>Basically the letter will serve two purposes, <BR>1. A short, one paragraph statement about his regrets and apology.<BR>2. A much longer paragraph about his and MY interest in the OC. <BR>I would be cc'd in on the letter and also a Reverend friend of mine as witnesses of offering an apology and asking for forgiveness.<P>If the baby will be a part of our lives, then the hatred, venom and guilt can not exist. It wil only destroy what we've worked so hard to reclaim. That's wny I suggested it. If she can see the apology as an act of maturity and taking ownership BUT ALSO have to deal with the united front that is presented in the letter then it would be pretty hard for her to conclude he is somehow interetsted again, especially with the good Rev. copied in.<BR>

Also heavenly,<P>Maybe those old wounds and feelings of guilt have passed by for your H, but pls explain to him that SHE chose this path as well. <P>I have to truly believe in my heart, that had it not been my husband in this jam w/ this xow, then it would have been another woman's husband. <P>Did she ever apologize to you? As I've stated, it takes two to tango. She was responsible to your husband for helping him see the light and for telling your him, "Get lost, get counseling, get something... but leave me alone until you become truly available." <BR>She didn't. She took a gamble that didn't pay off for her.<P>She exposed HERSELF to lies. Did she think she could trust the 'truth' being told by a married man lying to his wife?<P>shame on her...yes, I think he owed her an apology, but she must accept her responsibility for her own path SHE chose. Did she once think that regardless of this man's actions, I can't hurt a woman I don't even know? <BR>Even though her sins may be forgiven (if she's saved), unless he raped her, she has to answer on the J-day too!<P>MM<BR>

Dear MM,<P>The way you explained it I fully understand what you are trying to accomplish. The letter would be a way of closing the whole matter. And, as one who has searched for a way to find forgiveness, if this is the way that you can put away the pain and anger, then I am all for it.<P>As for my H, I don't think he ever got over the guilt feelings. I agree with you completely though, that the OW is also responsible for her situation and she will have to answer on J-day.<P>I cannot imagine how she could have believed a word coming from his mouth when she knew that he was also lying to me about her. I guess she thought she was special. ha!<P>Thank you for making me think a bit about guilt and carrying grudges. I have struggled so long to rid myself of the anger and hatred in my heart and I think, for the most part, I am finally at peace with many aspects of the OW/OC situation.<P>I pray that you will find the same and that your letter will help you.<P>love<BR>- heavenly