I have just recently discovered my husband's affair and subsequent conception of a child with this woman. He did not tell me of this affair or the resulting child. I found out from various signs and evidence. Unfortunately, this was after he found out about my recent infidelity! What a mess! The end result is not pretty, let me tell you. What makes matters worse is my husband's stupidity in actually believing that the child is his without benefit of a paternity test. I feel betrayed and don't know what to do. I'm sure he feels betrayed also. What complicates matters is that I suspected his infidelity and also the resulting baby when he found out about my affair. However, I did not disclose what I suspected and he basically made my life a living hell while I held on to that information. I only told him of what I knew when he threatened to leave me (which was only a ploy for control). Now I am very much resentful of the 'holier-than-thou' attitude that he choose to display rather than come clean with me. Indeed, I have very strong feelings that he has not come completely clean with me and resent the fact that he won't allow me to try to digest his indiscretion without throwing my indiscretion in my face. I realize that he wants to control me, but I don't know what to do. I can't even begin to describe my pain and my confusion.

Dear undacova,<BR>I am sorry that you are in such a hurtful situation right now. How was your marriage before all the infidelity started? Did you suspect your h's infidelity at the time that you had an affair?<P>I am not sure what to say that would be helpful right now, but I do want to say hello. I am sure others will be along before too long with some good advice for you.<BR>cdcollins

Thanks cdcollins.<P>Yes, I suspected his infidelity at the time I had my affair. Actually, this was not his first affair. Even though I had no real proof of any prior affairs, I knew of associations with women that were on a more-than-friendly level. He's admitted to as much and at least one other affair. I've found countless phone numbers and had at least one woman make harrassing call to our home. Of course any intimate association was all denied. <P>It has been some time since any of this happened and I had actually thought we had grown as a couple. This all was before we actually got married. We've been married for 5 years now and have been in a committed relationship for approximately 11 years.<P>But thanks for your comments and sympathy.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cdcollins:<BR><B>Dear undacova,<BR>I am sorry that you are in such a hurtful situation right now. How was your marriage before all the infidelity started? Did you suspect your h's infidelity at the time that you had an affair?<P>I am not sure what to say that would be helpful right now, but I do want to say hello. I am sure others will be along before too long with some good advice for you.<BR>cdcollins</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Dear Undacova,<P>Well, I have sort of been in your situation. The 2 biggest differences are that I am the one who had the baby from the affair, and my H's attitude about the whole thing. My H has had more than one A, the first one was 9 yrs ago. We have been married for 12 yrs, but together 15. I had 2 A's, first one was 6 yrs ago, and was to "get back" at my H for the one he had. We never seriously dealt with our problems, which we are still working on, and probably always will, since no marriage is perfect, just as no person is perfect. What has helped us, immensely, is getting some reading material from the Harley series. The one that has helped us to understand why these things have happened is "His Needs, Her Needs". The situations illustrated in this book really hit home as to our exact situation. And, it has made us closely examine our relationship and work on fixing the obvious, and not so obvious problems. <P>Like I said, we are still working things out, especailly since the baby was just born, and there are so many things to deal with just having a baby. My H completely accepts this child as his own, and we hope that the OM in our situation never finds out about her. We don't want this man ever to be involved in our lives again. We will tell the children about Abbi's "sperm donor"(as we like to call him) when they are old enough to understand. Our son is 10 and daughter is 8, and we just think that it is a little too young to understand without worrying that Mommy and Daddy would get a divorce. If you want to know more, I posted, way back in Oct, "Our full situation, FYI" that gave, in detail, what happened up to that point.<P>I understand your pain and confusion with how your H is reacting to this situation. I felt it for a little while after D-day, until my H confessed to his other A's. He admitted that his attitude was due to his guilt of what he had done, not just what I had done. In fact, he said he was more angry at himself than at me, and blames himself for this situation we have found ourselves in. I don't necessarily agree with that, because I blame us both. I highly recommend looking into the Harley books and either getting them from your library or purchasing them for the two of you to read. I would also recommend looking into counseling. We would love to be able to afford the counseling that the Harley's offer, but can't at this time. Just remember that a marriage takes a lifetime, and is worth trying to work out.<P>I hope that I helped in some way. I'm sure that others will be along soon.<P>Tigger

Thanks Tigger:<P>You have helped a lot. I can see just how difficult your situation is. I have been on the Marriage Builders site and am sort of familiar with the book you mentioned. That site has a lot of helpful info. I printed some of it and brought it home to H and it gave us a lot of food for thought. We cannot afford counseling at this time either and have decided to work some of the suggestions on the site. In particular, we've decided to work on OUR original issues before we work on the actions that were a result of our unresolved issues. This all sounds good, but is it too much to hope for. For the record, I still have contact with OM. However, I want to do the right thing. This is all so complicated.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tigger4jdt:<BR><B>Dear Undacova,<P>Well, I have sort of been in your situation. The 2 biggest differences are that I am the one who had the baby from the affair, and my H's attitude about the whole thing. My H has had more than one A, the first one was 9 yrs ago. We have been married for 12 yrs, but together 15. I had 2 A's, first one was 6 yrs ago, and was to "get back" at my H for the one he had. We never seriously dealt with our problems, which we are still working on, and probably always will, since no marriage is perfect, just as no person is perfect. What has helped us, immensely, is getting some reading material from the Harley series. The one that has helped us to understand why these things have happened is "His Needs, Her Needs". The situations illustrated in this book really hit home as to our exact situation. And, it has made us closely examine our relationship and work on fixing the obvious, and not so obvious problems. <P>Like I said, we are still working things out, especailly since the baby was just born, and there are so many things to deal with just having a baby. My H completely accepts this child as his own, and we hope that the OM in our situation never finds out about her. We don't want this man ever to be involved in our lives again. We will tell the children about Abbi's "sperm donor"(as we like to call him) when they are old enough to understand. Our son is 10 and daughter is 8, and we just think that it is a little too young to understand without worrying that Mommy and Daddy would get a divorce. If you want to know more, I posted, way back in Oct, "Our full situation, FYI" that gave, in detail, what happened up to that point.<P>I understand your pain and confusion with how your H is reacting to this situation. I felt it for a little while after D-day, until my H confessed to his other A's. He admitted that his attitude was due to his guilt of what he had done, not just what I had done. In fact, he said he was more angry at himself than at me, and blames himself for this situation we have found ourselves in. I don't necessarily agree with that, because I blame us both. I highly recommend looking into the Harley books and either getting them from your library or purchasing them for the two of you to read. I would also recommend looking into counseling. We would love to be able to afford the counseling that the Harley's offer, but can't at this time. Just remember that a marriage takes a lifetime, and is worth trying to work out.<P>I hope that I helped in some way. I'm sure that others will be along soon.<P>Tigger</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>