MY STORY STARTS OUT LIKE THIS. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 YEARS AND HAVE THREE KIDS BY MY H.I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS AFFAIR AROUND MARCH OF LAST YEAR 2000. I KEPT SEEING THE SAME PHONE CALLS ON CELL PHONE AND LONG MINUTES. I TELL YOU IT SHOCKED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. SO AT THAT POINT EVERY THING WAS OUT IN THE OPENED AND I WAS HURT, DEVASTED, AND COULD NOT STOP CRYING.AT THAT POINT MY H WAS CRYING AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS. IT TOOK A WHILE AND I FORGAVE HIM. THEN COME TO FIND OUT THE REASON THE OW KEPT CALLING HIM WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS PREGNANT. THE OC WAS BORN DEC.13 2000.<BR>MY H TOOK A DNA TEST AND IT WAS HIS. AT THIS POINT WE HAD BEEN WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE SO THE NEXT MAJOR STEP WAS WHEN THE CHILD ARRIVED. THIS WHOLE ORDEAL WAS VERY STRESSFUL FOR THE BOTH OF US. WE COULD NOT AFFORD A COUNSELOR SO WE HAD TO DO IT ON OUR OWN. AND BELIEVE ME IT WAS HARD AS YOU KNOW WHAT. ALL THE TRUST I HAD IN MY H IS GONE. I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS. HE IS CONSTANTLY TELLING ME THE HE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED TO ME. AND HAVE NO INTENTIONS ON LEAVING WITH THE OW/OC.THE OW DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE HIM FOR CS. SO OUR AGREEMENT WAS TO SEND HER THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY A MONTH KEEP RECIEPTS OF PURCHASES ETC.I TOLD HIM TO PUT MY MIND AT EASE IF HE WANTED TO SEE THE OC I WOULD HAVE TO GO WITH HIM. AND IN THE FUTURE INSTED OF US GOING TO PICK THE CHILD UP INSIDE OF THE OW HOUSE SHE WOULD HAVE TO MEET US OUTSIDE.IT TOOK ALOT OUT OF ME TO SOMEWHAT EXCEPT THIS CHILD.RECENTLY MY H WANTED TO TAKE HER(OC) FOR THE WEEKEND AND I SAID OK.I MADE SURE THAT HE DID EVERYTHING FOR OC WHILE IN HIS CARE. HE GAVE OC A BATH,FEEDING,UP AT 2AM, 6AM AND MADE OC BOTTLES. TO ME THIS WAS TEACHING HIM THAT IF YOU HAVE TIME TO LAY UP WITHOUT PROTECTION THEN HE HAVE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF HIS RESPONSIBILTY. LIKE I SAID IT IS STILL HARD FOR ME. AND AT THE TIME THAT THE OC WAS AT THE HOUSE I LOOK AT HER INNOCENSE TO ALL THIS AND THAT WHATS MAKE ME LOOK AT THE OC IN ANOTHER WAY. ME AND MY H DISCUSSES EVERYTHING CONCERNING CHILD TOGETHER BEFORE ANY DECISION ARE MADEOUR PART WITH THIS CHILD. WHAT EVER WE DECIDE IS WHATS GOING TO BE DONE AND IF SHE DON'T LIKE IT THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THE OC.<BR>

SweetC, do not know how you accept the OC, but more power to you. I am in the same boat, husband had had 3 year affair I just found out about 7 weeks ago, we have two young children, married 25 years, he has OC from affair , now age 14 months and had some contact with OC before I was told of existence. I am so ashamed and humiliated by Oc's existence I cannot tell anyone much less accept child into life. I cannot tell my kids, feel it would do damage to them beyond repair, cannot imagine telling sister and mother who are very close to me and my H-we have known each other for more than 30 years. If I stay with H, cannot tolerate others knowing his mistake, and still being with him. I admire your ability to accept OC, I just cannot and am willing to divorce husband over this if he does not accept my terms. Right now he realizes he blew it big time, knows OC issue is killing me and has accepted no contact for now.If that changes in future, our life together may be over, and I will be very sad, but I cannot tolerate contact, want nothing to do with child, she is too much a painful reminder of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My father died nearly 4 years ago after birth of my 2nd child, and believe me, this is 100times worse. I hate how I feel, hate the OW did not abort.good luck to you, I wish you well.

You are a bigger woman than I am SweetC. But then again, my H wants nothing to do with the OC. He has never even seen her. So, I don't have to worry, for now. We are currently going through the process with the courts of setting up child support. That's going to kill us. We have only been married a year last week and have a son together. Maybe one day he will want contact, and if that day ever comes, I hope I can handle it as well as some of the women on here do. Right now I am being "selfish" or so my MIL says. But I feel I have every right to be.

SWEETC,<BR>Glad you found us there is alot of great people here that will help you. Keep doing what your doing in time with the right actions from your h you will feel better. I know what you mean about words they really dont mean anything to us that have been hurt so bad. It takes a long time but things really do get better.<P>Jessry,<BR>I think I would tell MIL to BITE ME! She dosent know what selfish is even about. Hope you guys find somewhere else soon. I think I would rather live in a tent then to live in that house. with love flowerseed<BR>

Jessry,<BR>Like I said before, "selfishness" has gotten a bad rap. It's your duty to be selfish and protect your marriage/family. You MUST put them first.<P>If it were me, I would be looking for any kind of third-rate apartment to live in. I'm not saying that your in-laws are automatically horrible people, but you and your h need to be by yourselves so you can work through this without constant interference from outsiders. And anybody who isn't in the marriage is an outsider, no matter what the relation. Maybe you could find someplace cheap and just think of it as a "temporary" home until something better comes up. Lord knows that my h and I have lived in some penny-ante hole-in-the-wall apartments. As rotten as they were (and trust me, "rotten" is not an exaggeration), there was still a certain charm and romance in "toughing it out" together until we could do better.<P>Too bad you aren't in my town. We are so back-woods that pretty nice two and three bedroom HOUSES rent for between $150 and $250 bucks per month. There's just not a big population here in the northern PA wilderness, so the supply is far greater than the demand. hence, low rent prices and low real-estate prices.<P>cdcollins

Thanks for the encouragement! We are trying to get out on our own. It's spring break here (panama city) so apts are really high. We are thinking about just getting a 1 room eff. apt just to get out. That and so we show that we pay rent when we go to court. It's pretty sad that my H can't afford to support his wife and child, but has to pay someone cs for a c he doesn't want anything to do with. This country is so messed up. Rewarding women for having sex. I tell my "wonderful" MIL that,"She wants to get paid for sex. Hmmmmmmmm, what does that make her?" HAHA At least I have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

WHAT I FAILED TO MENTION IS THAT THE OW DOESNOT WANT TO TAKE H TO COURT FOR CS. SHE KNOWS H IS NOT LEAVING FAMILY FOR HER AND CHILD. H DID TELL HER HE WILL TAKE OF HIS RESPONSIBILITIES AND WE DECIDED TO PICK CHILD UP EVERY OTHER WEEK AND GIVE HER $225.00 A MONTH FOR CS. IT IS STILL HARD BUT IF IT IS GOING TO SAVE US A THOUSAND OR MORE A MONTH THIS SHOWS HER THAT WE ARE NOT GOING TO LET HER COME BETWEEN OUR FAMILY. AND SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT GAME AND NOT LET THE OW WIN.WE HAVE ARRANGED WHERE WE BOTH GO AND PICK UP THE CHILD. WE RECENTLY TOLD OUR CHILDREN THAT THEY HAD A SISTER AND THEY WERE EXCITED. WE DID NOT GO INTO DETAILS.BUT I TELL YOU ONE THING WHEN WE PICK THE OC UP AND TAKE HER TO OUR HOUSE SHE IS 3 MO.I LET MY H DO ALL THE WORK TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. I STILL HAVE MY DAYS WHERE I CAN'T TAKE IT AND I TELL MY H THAT HE WILL HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH ME AND HELP ME THROUGH ANY PROBLEMS THAT I STILL HAVE.IT IS NOT EASY SEEING HIM WITH OC.BUT I TRY TO STAY FOCUS ON THE CHILD IS INNOCENT.I HONESTLY GOT TIRED OF FUSSING, BEING STRESSED OUT AND THE PROBLEM IS NOT GOING TO GO ANYWHERE.

I never really considered myself an OW because me and my friend were JUST FRIENDS although I guess some people considered it to be an emotional affair. I hate that. But even though he made me feel like crap for cutting contact with him so he can work on his marrriage, I still care about my friend and miss him. Even though it's been a while since we talked, I know from other sources that his marriage is doing no better...so what good did losing my friend do? <BR>Also, I can understand how an OC is a source of pain for a BW but I don't understand the mentality that the OW is getting *rewarded* for having sex by receiving child support. You are mothers with children of your own and you all know that it is not easy to raise a child with BOTH parents much less being a single parent, and children are CERTAINLY not cheap. I mean, really, could you REALLY raise your kids on 225 bucks a month? Let's just say the mother matched that and the baby got $450 a month. That's enough for the BARE NECESSITIES at best. Child support isn't just for milk and pampers, and the occational outfit or pair of shoes for the child. It is for SUPPORT of the child. The CHILD needs to have a place to sleep, needs to be able to have lights in the house, needs water to take showers, etc. Do you see my point? ALL of that is taken into consideration when a COURT decides on child support and how much the payments should be. And even though the child came from a f***ed up situation, that is not the concern of the court, because in the eyes of the law, that female DID NOT make that child BY HERSELF. Whether she purposely got pregnant or not, she couldn't have done it without the man, so he is LEGALLY responsible for the financial support of ANY child he helped to create. The CHILD is innocent and did not ASK to be conceieved and should not be punished for of the stupidity of it's parents. The law does not require an emotional bond, but it does require financial support, which is why so many men are in prison for being *deadbeat dads*. Now, this is not a flame at all, but I hope it helps you understand WHY the courts order child support and WHY it seems to be so much. Courts don't care about grown people as much as they do the well being of innocent children.

SWEETC,<BR>Sorry that you are so new here and you have know nothings trying to already force there stupidity down your throat. Dont let it bother you we get this now and then. You are doing a good job in handleing this I'm proud of you. with love flowerseed

Sweetc,<P>The courts order outrageous child support to ensure that the mother does not look toward the federal or the state government for any type of support.<P>OWs cry "It is difficult and expensive to raise a child on their own? Well, I guess that is why people PLAN their children. Most people wait until they have a stable relationship that they feel will last a long time before they decide to have children. Starting a family is a serious responsibility -- not a game of Russian roulette. The great majority of married people PLAN their children when they can afford to raise them comfortably with the money they have available. <P>OWs really should have thought about how expensive and difficult childrearing would be before they decided to keep their children and ruin the lives of a truly innocent family. Our husbands had a 50% responsibility in creating an unwanted child, but it is the OW that has 100% responsibility for giving that child a life sentence of humiliation and inferiority.<P>No amount of money, no visits to the zoo on Sundays, can replace the special feeling of growing up in a family with two parents. To a child it means BEING NORMAL -- growing up like everyone else. When you become an adult, you may be able to deal with the feelings of WHY your father did not want any part of you, but when you are a child, the lack of understanding can be an extremely hurtful thing.<P>The way I see it, our husbands are being dedicated fathers -- dedicated to the children they brought into this world out of love and the desire to build a family -- dedicated to the wives that they joined with before God and family. Those most precious people are their primary responsibility. They owe financial support to the life they created but absolutely nothing more unless the main family unit decides that it is appropriate. You have done more than your share by agreeing, without the interference of the courts, to give financial support to the child and allowing contact.<P>SweetC, we are all with you as you try to put the pieces back into place. So many of us are well into recovery, and can be a source of comfort and information. Many of us cannot deal with contact with the OC, but I wish you all the best as you try to cope with this intrusion into your family and pray that you will all find common ground.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited March 30, 2001).]

Well said, Heavenly. Excellent.<P>Catnip =^^=

Heavenly,<BR>Yes well said you always have a way of calming the savage beast in me. Someday I'll grow up and not let these sillys get to me.For somebody that is willing to give money and take the oc into there home as sweetc and her h have does not need to hear about how much it cost to raise a child. with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited March 30, 2001).]

Heavenly and Flowerseed, I agree 100%. Heavenly, as Flowerseed has said you have a way of saying things and I am glad for that because I, as Flowerseed, sometimes some of these posts from these brainless wonders leave me so burned up and get under my skin so much I can not find the words. So as usual Heavenly to the rescue, well in your profession Heavenly I am sure you are great at what you do because of your excellent way of expressing your ideas and thoughts, so thank you for telling it like it is. Lately this whole cs and visitation stuff and the constant push for how right it is is really getting old. Any way sweetc should be complemented for how well she is treating the oc by allowing the visitation, she does not need to be brought down with these lectures from these foolish know nothings. Jessry, I do not think you are being selfish at all you do what you have to, to help your marriage isn't that what we are trying to do. Marriage builders I keep saying it but those that are here for reasons other than that just do not get it. Anyway, everyone is different and do not let anyone drag you down for doing what you think is right. Hey I am chosing to accept oc and I would never lecture to others that this is the way it should be. And the whole cs issue I am not even going to go there now, there are so many sites to look at and see how unjust and onesided the whole thing is. My children should suffer and go without so a child that a grown woman who choose to have knowing she was going to do it alone, can have $ and the mother can sit on her butt. OHHH PLEASEEE How is this right? When you choose to have alone should you not support alone. Gabi1116<P>

Oh and by the way, just a thought when I read a post like onlyfriends, after awhile these type of posts all start to sound the same, and they are just so old and boring. Does anyone remember the way the teacher's voice on Charlie Brown and the Peanuts cartoons sounded, and I think maybe mom's voices sounded too on that cartoon, BAH, BAH, BAH, get it , that is how these posts start to sound when I see them.Like a bunch of hot wasted air. Gabi1116

Catnip, flowerseed and gabi,<P>I thank you guys for always being so quick to praise someone's input. When I read "onlyfriends"'s post it upset me just like the rest of you. But, it is always best to fight with the facts.<P>And the fact is that the government is only trying to protect its own as* in CS cases. They don't want a bankrupt OW coming to their doors for a hand-out. And, in our society, since men are still considered the primary bread winners, the law believes that you sock it to them because they were responsible and they can find creative ways to make money.<P>Unfortunately, the reality is far from the fact. And, men are constantly being punished much more severely than the women who had 50% of the responsibility.<P>All of this OW/OC business almost makes me want to go into family law, but I don't think I could deal with the heartbreaking scenarios of divorce. <P>For the betrayed spouse, the knowledge of the OC is bad, visitation is worse, but the absolute worst is having to live with the strain CS puts on your own family budget. That is when it becomes truly personal -- when it touches and changes the lives of your own precious children.<P>love<BR>- heavenly