Moving on and have resolved many issues ... hopefully a lesson learned for both of us!!!

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: southofdixie321 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His theory is to forget about it and stop rehashing the situation ... stop bringing it up. He says to stop rehashing the past </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is what most men say, they think if you just put it under the rug you won't think about it.

I actually belive they are capable of doing that because they feel no remorse and they tell us what we want to hear.

I am so sorry for you, it is not fair and you need to be strong for you.
Also please make sure you read all the marriage builders things.

as far as the affair I am not sure what to say to you. I hope it is over for your sake.

as far as his problem with impotency he needs a good medical checkup..his prostrate and also for diabetes..alot of this might be because he was having problems with that and it wasn't you.

it also could be when he took the viagra it did work and having sex in the morning and afternoon alot of men do have erections they take advantage of in the morning when they hit 40.

he needs to really see a doctor especially if he really does not remember saying things to you.
he is not spending time with you could also be so you won't notice he is having problems with his memory.

I am not a doctor these are some things I delt with before with my husband..
If he gets mean and nasty all of a sudden you will know he had a stroke or he is starting to show his age which he is definetly in deniel..

hugs for you and lots of prayers..
I am sure he loves you I think he was flattered by the girl and she took advantage of the situation..look at receipts from credit cards and see if he gave her money or bought her gifts..
and make sure he isn't being foolish with finances.

tell him you want to spend more time with him and find something you like to do together..maybe take a cruise you need to shake things up a bit.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care and Keep on keeping on

Thank you for your kind response to this very difficult question. He actually is in perfect health and sees his doctor over ever "little thing" and yes, if he does get sick (i.e., flu, etc.) he becomes bedridden for the day ... while I on the other hand keep on trucking. His memory is excellent. He has his own business (as a business/tax consultant and was retired from the Treasury Dept. when he was 55. Since that time he has worked every day in the same related field. His mind is as sharp as a tack ... so his answers to me are strickly what he chooses to tell me and nothing more.

Yes, I'm sure that he is worried about his ED problem and I believe it came on him during his affair. That is probably the reason he chose to use Viagra to help the situlation.

In my wildest dreams, I never even suspected him of having an affair. He sure pulled one on me. There were no clues. Yes, I have checked his bank statements, phone bills, credit card bills and even asked how much money or presents did he get her. His answer was none ... which is not hard to believe ... since he is not much on gifts. This Christmas he gave me an expensive watch and coat (which is something that he had never done). I jokingly said to him ... "What wonderful presents ... are you having an affair?" I said it as a joke ... and the joke was on me.

I've read all the books, visited this site often and have had many of my questions answered. I offered the book to him but he didn't read it. However, I found that all the things that the experts suggested was already being done by him. He left the place of business, kept in touch with me during the day, paid me more attention than he had in years. This lasted for about a month and he is gradually returning to his normal old self. (A self indulger and meeting his needs ... but not with the OW.) ALL I WANT TO SAY TO HIM IS WHAT ABOUT ME????? Where do I fit in???

hi
am sorry your not at peace yet with everything thought perhaps he would settle down and show you the respect you deserve..

I copied this for you it is from a book called addiction to sex..maybe you can get it..
take care and keep on keeping on.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

____ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> _Addicted to Love by Stephen Arterburn, M.Ed. Published by Servant Publications. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

go here for more things about this there are articles and stories people have done you will find it good reading..to educate yourself with..

http://www.pureintimacy.org/online2/essays/a0000011.html

I found this article here and to see the rest go to the url above..
you might have to copy and past if it don't click...
_______
____________________________________
The message to wives is simple: You are not the cause of your husband's addiction, and you cannot be the cure. The problem is in him, and it is there that the battle must be fought and won. Battling this problem is not easy. You need to take care of yourself, seek out a Christian counselor who can be supportive. Learn all you can about the problem. This will help avoid personalizing his problem onto you. Seek out a support group that can meet some personal needs as you struggle through this dilemma. Additionally, love him as toughly as he needs to be loved. Do not enable his addiction to progress and victimize more people. Be willing to do whatever it takes to help him see what he is doing and his need to stop the cycle and start recovery as soon as possible.

Finally, read the following list of don'ts and adhere to them as much as possible:

Don't ignore the signs of your husband's double life
Don't accede to your husband's unhealthy sexual demands
Don't tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your children
Don't place yourself at risk for serious disease
Don't cover up for your husband's behavior by lying or making excuses for him to bosses, coworkers, friends and family
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Addicted to Love by Stephen Arterburn, M.Ed. Published by Servant Publications. Copyright (c) 1991 by Servant Publications. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

I just read an excellent book....covers so much about how you are feeling and perhaps what's going on with him. It's the best book I've read so far on the subject. It's by Shirley Glass called: Not Just Friends. I got it from Amazon.com.

Keeping things inside only leads to internalized anger, resentment. When dealing with this sort of thing, a person goes through the stages of grief. You might check on google for info on that. Healing takes time but it is much better if the offending spouse acknowledges responsibility then works with you to work it out. Time does heal. I feel for your pain.