Hello all...I usually am pretty upbeat on here, but tonight I don't feel so well. I do not knowwhat to do or whereelse to turn but to you. I plan on purchasing 2 books by Harley tonight..one of them Surviving An Affair, but the other I am open to suggestions...<BR>My H started his affair in Aug of 98 and ended it around May 99. I found out in Apr 99. Actually come to think of it I found out right before Easter. He was in the military and was in another state on something that was supposed to be temporary (3 mths) and turned into 1 yr and 5 months. We were apart all but 9 days of that. He left for AZ when our daughter was only 3 months old. He told me of the affair about 2 weeks after she told him she was pregnant. He managed to get out of there in June 99 and by July we were far away from everything (physically).<BR>He pushed me away bc every time he looked at me he was consumed in guilt. He wanted me to leave him an dwas very mean to me. I was in a nightmare bc I never saw it coming.<BR>Ow was complete psycho and is now out of our lives. We have never seen oc except in pictures.<BR>My problem now is that I seemed to get better for a while. I would actually go a day with out thinking HER name. He has since gotton out of the military and we have moved back to our hometown. Now I am worse. These awful memories creep up constantly. It feels like I am obsessing over it and do not know how to stop. I have tried to will myself not to think about it. I am in front of the computer...alone..I left my H in bed after getting angry bc I asked him if he ever had a broken heart. He told me once in the 8th grade. Since then he has learned he can turn on and off his emotions and so never had to do it again. He admits to this ability and thinks crying is just plain stupid. All it does he says is give you a headache and the sniffles. It just makes things worse. Of course I got all angry and through up the drinking and the affair without saying anything about her...I just insinuate. He got pissed...I wanted to cry bc once again I am reacting and do not know what my prob is. I am a wreck lately.<BR>I am afraid if I do not stop he will leave bc I can not let go of it even for a span of a couple of days. I did so good and now it seems like I am completely psychotic.<BR>I do not like who I am now. He has changed so much and it is for the better...I recognize the effort he has made. But I do think a lot of it is the drinking. He was drunk the whole time he was with her. Did I mention he was basically living with her? He told her he loved her? Oh, but, he NEVER said he would leave me for her! I am supposed to believe that right..what a crock! So he told her he loved her but commited to nothing else! PULEEZZ!<BR>Part of my obsession is that he claims to remember nothing. How can he not remember!? Ow told me he was with others before her. Of course he denies this, but why not? He was drunk and he doesnt remember...<BR>Oh and I have tried to tell him how I feel...you know, unattractive, unsexy, unwanted..etc I told him that I had such thoughts like she was a better cook, friend, lover, etc and he doesnt even bother to deny any of it. Is it him? Is it me? I dont feel like i can do this the rest of my life, but I cant imagine life without him. I do love him so very much and sometimes I am just soooooo mean to him. Why am I so mean? I can sit here through tears and tell you all this an dfeel horrible an dyet tomorrow I will do it again. I am sure I am rambling but I do not know where else to go.<BR>One other problem I have here...I have been reading Harleys stuff and think it is very insightful, but hte one thing that keeps coming back is that needs useually werent met and an affair begins. I do not see what I was doing wrong and to make things worse he says I did nothing wrong, that it was all him. I think that is supposed to make me feel better, bu tinstead it makes me think that there wouldnt be a reason he wouldnt do i tagain. I asked him no ttoo long ago what would keep him from doing this again and he told me HE didnt want to go though this again!<BR>He has started a new job. He was ow's boss and normally didnt work with women.. Now he is in the restaurant business (as a manager) and I worry about it happening again. My H is a good looking guy, and he is a charmer...doesnt really realize it either. He is the kind who is life of the party and always center of attention. He is just very friendly and welcoming. he is always there for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on...ususlly even me. Bu tyou see how this could be attractive to someone who could care less about the wife at home.<BR>I am so sorry to go on and on like this and you all know my posts o freplys are NEVER this long. I couldnt tell you the last time I typed this much...probably never!<BR>Love<BR>broken_wings

Dear BrokenWings,<BR>Every time I read a post like yours I get scared the same things will happen to me. <P>I have known 4 mos.<P>Some days I wonder if I'm crazy to "put up" with all of this.<P>My case is different as my H has this thing to parent C.<P>He won't agree to 3rd party visits. That, to me, is like cheating all over.<P>What I'm trying to say is I think an affair psychologically damages b.s. mind.<P>I waver between love and just giving him up to see what else life has to offer. I do not have trust and H says without it we can't go on.<P>I think you have a right to feel what you feel, BW, but I don't think I could think those things long term and be normal, you know?<P>But if one leaves does one ever become normal and the mind heals?<P>I just don't know.<P>Just wanted you to know I am haunted by obsessive thoughts too.<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited March 29, 2001).]

Sorry Debi...didnt mean to scare you. I was better for a while and thought all was getting better and I guess in a sense it has.<P>I think a recent issue that we are still dealing with is that my H is an alcoholic and he doesnt care. <P>Anyway, once again...didnt mean to bring you down too.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

broken-wings,<BR>I think its probly the time of yr that is bringing you down. I thought I should be better at the 2yr mark instead I had found I was worse. I think its normal. Someone said when we get to 3 yrs that this quits happening.My h also was terrible mean to me when he was cheating. That time of yr is worse for me then when he told me of what he had done. I am coming up on the 2yr mark in May of finding out and it seems not as bad as the 2yr mark of when it began.This Nov will be 3yr mark for me when things began to go down hill. My h couldnt use drinking as an accuse we have been leaving the booze alone since our dauther was born. I think they all have problems with there memory whether they were drunk or not. Hope you feel better today just keep coming here together we will all make somehow. with love flowerseed

BrokenWings.....Don't ever apologize for your feelings! Oh honey I was just trying to say that I wish all mine would go away like magic and I could move on is all.<P>I agree w/Flowerseed here. It's the time of year. <P>Please don't think you've ruined me in any way.<BR>I learn a lot from all of you.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

bw,<P>I totally understand what you are saying. My H was also drinking, and he of course can't remember. He also was in the military and he said that I did nothing wrong. Basically he got groped and didn't stop it. I think that does make it harder. We had just gotten married about eight months before. We were very busy but happy. He was also very mean, like I was being blamed for his guilt. We were having a lot of problems later on because he was so hateful, now I know why. So to know that this happened is just more salt in the wounds. I can't wait to get to the 3 year mark. Hopefully things will get better. Try to keep you spirits up. I am waiting anxiously for summer, the dreary days don't help my feelings or mood. I have a hard habit of bringing up things. I am sorry that you are feeling so down. Your in my prayers.<P>babstr.

BW,<BR>My H was "drunk" at the time, and that seems to be ALL he can remember of the situation. Or all he will tell me. We weren't married at the time, and I was moving in a few days. I went out of town for the weekend and he had unprotected sex with her (we were using condoms at the time so I didn't get pregnant. That's what really hurts). I didn't know about it until I was married to him and 6 months pregnant. I think he pushed the "let's get married soon" thing so I would find out afterwards. Bc he knew I would never have married him if I knew. We had a bad relationship the first 2 1/2 years. He couldn't commit to me. Always wanting to party and be with other "girls". The thing with OW had been going on for over a year at that point in time. She was stalking me. Calling my house (I had to change my number 3 times), driving by my work, my house, all those physco things. And I can't quit being the "physco" now. I think about her and OC all the time. And she has a VERY common name. Everytime I hear it my skin crawls. But, she will not win. That is mainly what is making me stay, that and my son. She wants my H, well, tough, she can't have him. This is my life, I earned it. And no one is going to mess with that. Be strong, and know that you always have a "shoulder to lean on" here.<BR>

I also have the problem of h "not remembering" much of the affair. It is the one sore point for me in all of this 9besides oc, of course). H was drinking pretty heavily during the time that he was with ow, but I still think that he should be able to recall more than he does about it. It is not so much that I really want to hear all the gory details, but I am always just a bit afraid that ow will make a comment on something that I don't already know about, and that it will hurt all over again. That HAS already happened a couple of times. We have talked and talked about what she could say that I don't already know, and my h says that there is nothing else to tell, but I am still concerned about it. he thinks that none of it should metter now anyway - it is so far in the past. But I have had enough surprises already and I don't want any more. I would just rather hear about things from my h. i could take them ok coming from him, but not if I heard it from ow first. It would be too much like when she was the one to tell me about the pregnancy. and I had been asking him for DAYS whether or not she was pregnant - I just had a nagging feeling - and he kept saying no. I just don't want to find out during some court hearing that the child was conceived in my bed or something like that. And ow is the type who would say it just to be mean, although so far I have managed never to even blink when she "discloses" something along those lines. Anybody have any suggestions about this? My h is just about tired of being interrogated every time we see ow. And I can't say that I blame him - I ask the same questions over and over again. But for once, I would just like to have every single question answered. I mean really, I can remember how many times I ever had sex with somebody before I met my h. (probably because it was very few times). But I can remember where and when and how and even the dates of some of them. In fact, I can remember picking my nose when I was four years old. But my h can't remember if he had sex with ow when I went out of town four years ago. he can't remember how many times it was. He can't remember when or where the last time took place. Is it just a guy thing to not remember, or is he in denial or trying to protect my feelings or what? He says that he doesnt remember because he doesn't ever think about sex with ow, so it's not like he has made an effort to keep those details in mind. he says that if anything, he just wants to forget all of that. How does everybody else deal with this "amnesia" problem?

I think they call it "selective" memory. It's a man problem. They remember. I think in my H's case he thinks it will hurt me more if I knew the details. He wouldn't even admit that he did it (for fear that I would divorce him, he says) until I threatened him. I said, "Either you tell me now and take a chance that I might leave you, or let it come out in court and I WILL leave you!" All he admitted was that he cheated on me with HER. I already knew she was saying OC was his cuz he got the papers that day (they gave them to me-big mistake). I wonder constantly about if it was in my bed, if she was in "my" house, I even ask Why. And his reply is always either, "I don't know" or "I was stupid". Well, duh!!!

Thank you ladies for understanding. After I poured my heart out to you I got off the computer and went and laid back down in bed and hugged my H and as tired and out of it as he was he hugged back. I feel a little better today.<BR>After I posted this I lurked over in "recovery " and found a similar post about dredging up the past constantly and someone said that her and her H made a deal and anytime she started feeling down and out she would hug him and he would just hold her. She wouldnt bring it up and he reassured her. I thought that was nice and I am going to try it.<BR>Thank you for you understanding and prayers,<BR>bw

Now there's a soloution to the problem! I like that BW!<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....