Greetings!
I need some advice. When I met my husband I was in my early 20s. I had gone away to college for a year but had come home to work and go to school part-time. I've been a student ever since we met, I love education, and am studying to become a teacher.

Well, after we got married I lost my financial aid and stopped going to school for 4 years. Then, I got a new job - working for a college - so I finished my 2-year degree (free tuition for employees) and earned a scholarship (full tuition again) to a university, so I'm still going to college part time - I'm now in my early 30s.

He has always been very supportive of my education but these past few years it seems to be dividing us - not because of time spent away (we have no children and he enjoys his time alone) but because I think he feels intellectually inferior. He dropped out of high school and has never liked education. This is our biggest difference. I'm a writer; he doesn't even read books. I feel like I can't talk to him about any of the things I learn or that excite me.

I'm beginning to feel distance from him and his friends. We don't seem to have anything in common anymore. I had another friend whose husband did not want her to go back to school because he said she'd outgrow their relationship and leave him behind. I never thought that would really happen, but I'm afraid it might be true.

Has anyone else experienced this? What can I do?

We have other problems, too, not just this, but when we argue, this comes up frequently and it bothers me. I think it may be the root of some of our other problems. (I think he suffers from depression, he drinks too much, and we have some financial problems due to credit card debt.) But his low self-esteem and increased drinking seems to have been increasing ever since I got the job at the college.

Please help.
Thanks,
Chrys

I have terrible troubles myself -
So no useful advice from me!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

But lots of encouragement and support!
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Is it an emotional needs thing of both of you needing to feel good about yourselves?

If you are still around reading.. this is not an unusual problem. It has more to do with growing apart then it does one person being more educated then the other.

I know that at the PHD, MD level, something like 90% of all couples divorce when only one of them achieve the higher degree. The reason? Some think it’s because the one with higher degree is more educated and therefore ahead of the other intellectually.

In my previous marriage I to a man I put through med school and then residency. He asked for a divorce 2 months after he completed his residency. I have a masters in computer science. Did he want out because he was some how intellectually superior to me? I don’t think so. Oh he thought he was superior. During our divorce/custody fight his lawyer actually told the judge that the question of custody was really whether our son was going to live as a ‘doctors son’ or as ‘her son’ {while pointing at me as though I had leprosy}. I think he wanted out because he never did the things he needed to do to nurture our relationship.

Tell me, what does your husband do for a living? Has he progressed in his field of endeavor? Has he honed his skills? Your education is simply nothing more than that for you. It does not make you better or him lesser. The fact that you read/write and he does is not that much of a deal IF, and it’s a BIG IF. If the two of you spend at least 15 hours a week together in one on one activities that you both enjoy.

Yet I know people who have done just fine in similar situations. The difference is that they maintain plenty of things that they do together and a healthy relationship.

From the way you describe your marriage.. That you have separate friends, etc. I’d expect that cause your marriage to fall apart despite the differences in education. I suggest that you read the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, especially the part of recreational activity and time together. That is, I believe the root of your problems.

so you think your intelect is putting distance between you and your husband? i don't know your husband, but i can relate to your situation. maybe he is surperior to you in the common sense discipline. i would assume he is definitely surperior to you in physical strength and mechanics. you see, sometimes a very intelligent person is dumb as hell. not that you are, but all of the books in the world will not give a person any more common sense than he acquires in real life. and let me tell you, good common sense is worth more than you may think. so what if you've got a better education than he does? let your husband know that he has some surperior qualities over you. praise him for them and appreciate what he does for the marriage.

What if her husband has neither education NOR common sense?

well, then we are assuming something that we don't know. i feel pretty confident by saying that most men are physically stronger and more mechanically inclined than women. this does have some importance when considering marriage. on the other hand, education is another thing to consider when getting married. i think the the lady should use her acquired knowledge and education to make the marriage stronger. there are a lot of books and literature on how to do this. if she really is as educated as she says she is, then she will find a way to pull the relationship back together. that is....if the husband is willing.