My husband and I had our first counseling session on Monday. The therapist said to me privately that I have to decide whether I am going to be my husband's wife or mother. He's probably right, but I really don't know what to do differently. Help!

Here's part of our situation: We are separated. He lives with his parents about an hour away. He has been having an affair for the past 10 months. OW says she wants him, but that it is wrong for them to be together. She is expecting their baby in August. We ahve two children, 8 & 15.

WEll , Im not real sure I get it bit Ill give it a jab.
Dont tell him what to do, dont talk to him in a way you the children.
Sometimes Being a mom its easy to just group them all together.
Think about what it ook to win him in th efirst place the pre mommy you. Do you feel like you have all the responsibilities?
If you dont do it it wont get done??

Hi---You must feel devastated. Don't let the therapist make you feel guilty, as if to say it's your fault he went and had an affair because you treated him like a mother. There is much good advice on MB. To me there is no excuse for adultery #1. It isn't your fault he went and found someone else. Many have been made to feel guilty when their spouse cheats. And they take the guilt on themselves that they must have done something so wrong in the marriage for the partner to turn to someone else.
It's not your fault.
You say the OW wants him, but knows it's wrong.
How does your husband feel. If he wants to stay with her, you really have no choice, but to go on. If he doesn't want her and makes a commitment to go on with you, then that will be your decision if you can believe/trust him again. There is good advice under the Part A plan and on the Part B plan on this site. You don't need to be more emotionally hurt than you are. So becareful in your decision with him. Don't let him play you off and on, off and on.
Now they are having a baby together, and that doesn't make it easier on you.
I was a single mother for 10 yrs, so I know it is possible for you. At times it's lonely, but it's worse staying in a relationship that you are now in. I just want you to know that if you choose to separate from your husband or divorce, that there is life afterward also. And it can be lots of fun being single too. Who knows you may find a really loving man in time, but please give yourself and children time to heal first, and get settled. I pray all the best for you and your children, and may Gods will be done in your home, and may He help you to make the right decision, no matter how difficult it is. God Bless you!!!

----ladysheep

Hmm..maybe this will help you...look over these and see where you find yourself..maybe ask your husband to do the same..I'll also post some other information I got from pre-marriage counseling that goes along with this..

Exercise 4: Role Relationships

I. What kind of roles did your parents have in their relationship? What, if anything about
those roles would you hope to emulate in your marriage, mid what would you hope to
change?

2. What do you understand to be some of the things which make males and females different from one another? How do you think those differences will affect the marriage relationship? What kind of impact will those differences have on your relationship?

3. What do I uniquely as a man/woman most want in this relationship from my partner as a
man/woman?

4. What do I uniquely as a mar/woman most want to give to and provide for my partner as a man/woman?

Role Concept Inventory

Mark “I” for strongly agree; 2’ for mildly agree; “3’’ for not sure; “4” for mildly disagree;
“5” for strongily disagree.

1. The wife must always obey her husband.
2. The wife should not be employed outside the home.
3. The husband should help regularly with the dishes.
4. The wife has lie greater responsibility for the children.
5. Money that a wife earns is her money.
6. The husband should have at least one night a week out with his friends.
7. The wife should always be the one to cook.
8. Fighting is always wrong between mates.
9. It is the husband’s role to determine the responsibilities of each mate.
10. Fathers should be the disciplinarian, not mothers..
11 Home maintenance is the husband’s job.
12. Only the husband should initiate lovemaking.
13. A husband should not be expected to wash floors, change diapers, and so on.
14. A wife should have a career to utilize her talents and abilities.
15. Marriage is a 50-50 proposition.
16. Marriage is a 100-100 proposition.
17. If a husband and a wife have an impasse on a major decision, the husband should take
responsibility for the decision and make it according to his way of thinking.
18. Women are more emotional than men
19. If the husband fails to take leadership, the wife must take over.
20. If a husband earns most of the family money, he should have more say in how it is spent.
21. A woman should conform to her husband’s preference or hairstyle, dress style, etc.
22. The wife should have the responsibility for purchasing the children’s clothing
23 It is the wife’s responsibility to always have the home neat and clean.
24.The mother should teach values to the children.
25. Neither the husband nor the wife should spend more than pocket money without consulting the other.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

ROLE RELATIONSHIPS IN MARRIAGE

A. Basic Principles
Throughout the long history of humanity there have been essentially four different ways in which the relationship of man and woman has been characterized:
a. Owner Property
b.. Master/slave
c. Head/Compliment
d. Co-Equal Partnership

There are a variety of opinions as to what constitutes the true nature of this relationship. The view that is taken in this course is that the Bible teaches that the nature of the relationship between husband and wife is (d) within the confines of (C). Marriage is a Co-Equal Partnership within a Head/Complement framework.

1. Our Equality
a. Man and woman are equal btfore (God in dignity and value (Galatians 3:28). There is no hint of superiority or inferiority between them in the Bible’s teaching.

b. In our equality, the Bible calls us, First and foremost, to mutual submission. Indeed, mutuality and togetherness are priority words in a healthy marriage. Before Paul says anything about the distinctiveness of the husband’s and wife’s roles, he calls them to mutuality. In Ephesians 5:21, he tells Christians to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ)’

What is submission?

The word means to place under.” The picture that his conjures up is that of legs being placed under one’s body as a means to supporting the body, or the supports that are underneath a bridge in order to hold it up. One of the myths which this immediately dispels is that a person who submits is somehow acting ftom a position of weakness or inferiority. Indeed, it implies that one is acting from a position of strength. The one who submits is giving something to another what they do not have and which they need.

“Submission,” say Allender and Longman, “is The giving up of one’s own will and agenda for life for the benefit or another person. It is putting oneself in alignment to the greater good ofthe other. Submission is not obeying another; it is putting oneself under the other to serve the good of God for that person’s life.”

Submission is thus motivated by a love which desires to see the other person become everything that God intends them to be, Each person is to live for the other more than they do for himself or herself.

A healthy marriage requires this kind of mutual submission. People who are getting married
ought to realize that once they have done so, their lives are no longer their own. They can no
longer do what they want to do, when they want to do it. There is another person to be considered. The effect of your actions on them must always be taken into account. There is no longer room for one person to unilaterally call all the shots. If one does that, there is no way that the person will consider you to be on his/her side or ‘for’ hem. Because ‘mutual submission is the only workable path to a strong marriage,” one needs to consider the willingness and ability of their potential marriage partner to offer this submission. Most importantly, they should ask themselves whether or not they are ready and ‘willing to submit themselves to the particular man or woman they are considering marrying.

That's only a little bit of what it covers..if you'd like more information..let me know..and I can post it for you...I usually post over on the EN Board..