Hello,
My husband is consistantly mad at God. He blames god. Last night it occurred to me; We both have similarities, we both fear authority. He fears god and i fear him. We do this when we are not our better selves. We are both in 12 step recovery. We both are codependent and are trying to rebuild our marriage after a avery tumultuous beginning. This is 2nd marriage for both of us. Eventhough we both had professional careers, we are now low functioning. We both 'went back out' and used alcohol and drugs after trying medications, therapy and 12 steps, for a number of years. We both have such low self esteem that we both have grave doubts about, now, being able to hold a job. We've moved 1000 miles away to put the pain and mess we created behind us. We separated for 6 months and reunited last January. Trust is a huge issue for both of us.
Some issues were brought up in our marriage that triggered my worst fears. After alls said and done, I now have a paranoia that sometimes wipes me off my feet. Most of the time im okay, but its always there waiting to strike. Some of the details of what happened could be easily misinterpreted and so i am afraid to talk about them specifically here.
So basically this is what happened. H and i met after both lost meaningful relationships. We met in school and recovery. I noticed that he lusted at women but didn't think it was that serious. I was doing pretty good and had a promising career. In the first quarter of the first year I noticed him sexually lusting at a nine year old. I challenged him on it. He admitted it, to some degree, and immediately sought help. H diagnois was that it was a fear he has because his mom had just disclosed that she had been molested a year before. H was suicidal and took therapy for almost a year. I found this all too hard to handle. I could not resolve this in my mind because i had brought it all out by asking about it. The diagnosis said that the person deeply fears that they'll do something they have complete disgust towards. but when i seen him lusting he did not seem to be disgusted. All of this triggered suspicions and i became hyperviligant in 'checking'. I began to keep a log of all the suspicious thing s that happened, there were quite a few things, some real, some blown out of proportion. H aggrevated my fears by saying things to me that heated up my fears. This was unbearable for both of us.
i had been to two of his therapists who told me that i had nothing to worry about but i could not trust or believe them. I became deeply depressed and finally went on meds. this helped but not enough, i started to entertain suicidal thoughts. Finally, last summer,i left the marriage. To get active, i began to smoke pot. this did help and i told my counsellor. I found a job, place to live and made a friend with another man. He also dated. I finally told people i thought i needed to, after i left, and this helped me detach.
Now we have moved together to rebuild our marriage. H accepted jesus but always judges christianity... ie people going to hell, an exclusive religion etc... this creates great uncertainity and fear for me. If we don't have god we have no hope, is my opinion. I have made a committment to quit smoking pot. Actually, before making the committment, i was using it less and less preferring sobriety. I struggle most with believing in him, that he won't lust, cheat etc.. and he will trust. When i entertain these fears for any more than a hour, the whole idea takes over and before long i am in a panic, ready to run away. Everything becomes dark and sinister. I am just starting to get prof. help on monday.
On top of this i seem stuck to begin to invest in being here; have to find a job ( i graduated in the helping profession but don't feel like i can now work in it at this time and my other skills have become outdated) and make new friends and a support network.
We've both learnt boundaries and how to love and respect each other better. Our marriage is underpinned with love, nurturing, patience, trust, intimacy and hope. The contradiction is when we both slide into the pit of depression and dispair. When one is up the other is down, we get triggered so easily. Also, i am in the vicious cycle of addiction. When the fears get too great and i am in panic mode, a joint will calm me down and i can get some objectivity on my twisted thinking... but... it is also fueling paranoia and mood swings. I am getting help in seeing an addictions councellor in two weeks and will see a md shortly. I found out that i can use panic attack medication instead of the pot, so that is a good thing. H shows increased devotion and committment to me. When i get worried and tell him my fears, it devastates him. I am working on stopping this. I am going to try and post my fears here instead of telling him. I am going to try use better coping skills instead of the ones i picked up over the last year. We both struggle with what the meaning of our, individual, lives is about and have low motivation at times. I need to get structure going in my life. I hope that the councelling will help me in a number of areas, ie following through, daily routine, planning for the future, and stop sabatoging myself. we both do that: make it worse or say its worse than it is. I believe in god and am beginning to trust more but i have to admit that i am some what disallusioned by this all myself. my H has a adolescent daughter in the community we left. H's exW would give him a hard time about seeing her much of the time, making excuses and denying on a whim... devastating him. H is symbiotically attatched to daughter. We are not sure if this was a good move or not seeing as we were both in our addictions, mine drug and his alcohol, when we moved here. His family here thinks that it is good because it can help him find a reason for living ... beyond his daughter and that may exw will change her hard stance against him.
At times, i think i should go and stay at a half-way house to begin to build my own life. I can't seem to get going on my own things. I did start to get some important things accomplished.... many times i wonder if we are too sick to be with each other. Although we both, now know, that we deeply love and care for each other, we just don't know how to make a go of it.
If the nature of this post is too detailed, personal or disturbing to some, i understand but if others have experienced the same or similar have found a way out and can give some help, i will greatly appreciate it. Please email me if you want... Thanks for being here....
Hyper in Space <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
