my situation is the same but different and i am having such a hard time<BR> <BR>i filed for divorce from my husband last year<BR>i never really meant for it to go so far i nnever really wanted a divorce just to shock him and prove i meant business about getting our life together<BR> <BR>He moved out and we had been separated 4 months when he slept with someone else but legally our divorce was not final.<BR>i too went out with someone else i know thats hard for him but I didn't get pregnant<BR>we decide to work things out right after the divorce became final i asked him specifically if he had been with anyone else before I slept with him again which he denied stating only his hand <BR>I BELIEVED HIM!!! i didn' t have a clue<BR>until he callled me and told me he was going to be a dad again<BR>my gosh i just screamed and cried , couldn't eat or sleep for weeks <BR> <BR>i started counseling. the girl called my man at work and left notes on his truck<BR>i called her at my counselors advice to see what she expected of him and etc.<BR>(first she had said she was going to get an abortion then changed her mind the next day) anyway, we had a very long nice conversation on the phone and i thought wow she is being really mature we may be able to wrok this out ok. she did say some things that made me think she was trying to play me against him like she and i were the victims and telling me thing he said about me<BR>THE VERY NEXT DAY she went and got a no<BR>contact order at the prosecutor offoce that said if he or <BR> i contacted her we would be charged with harrassment<BR> <BR>i also found out .... she has herpes!!!!!!!<BR>my man told me it was 1 or 2 times and he used a condom<BR>she said she was on the pilll but on antibiotics<BR> <BR>she came to my work and told my boss she had a restraining order against me <BR>TOtally uncalled for<P> <BR>we got a letter in the mail requesting child support from a lawyer <BR> <BR>We had heard rumors she was saying that she wanted him to have nothing to do with it all rights to herself, etc. NOW THIS??????<BR>he thought we wouldnt hear from her agian when we didn;t hear from her after he was born<BR>he says he has reason to believe its not his HOW COULD IT BE IF HE USED A CONDOM????<BR> <BR>We had paternity test but they came back positive<BR>we went to court for support the amount they came up with is SOO high We wont be able to pay our bills plus they want back support from the day it was born<BR>But i don;t know if i can stand to be around this kid and paying her money<BR> but if we dont take visitation the support is higher and shes winning she doesnt want a daddy she wants his money she admitted that <BR>weve got no calls no pictures<BR>i finally made my H call and confront her and she said <BR>"I WANT YOUR MONEY" when he said if he was paying then he and I (and she would have to accept that i was just as much a part of the babys life as him) would want to see it <BR>she said when she sees fit and he said no when the judge sees fit not you then she said just forget it ill drop the whole thing but she didnt<BR>he does not really wnat to see it and definitely not deal with her crap but if we pay and dont see it she is getting everyhting she wants! But do we really want to be around him and explain to our kids?I<BR> also saw her and she is UGLY<BR>of course i am biased<BR>i know i know hes not innocent he made a mistake but should we have to pay for it the rest ofour lives????<BR>he didn;t really "cheat " on me we were geting a divorce BUT still this is a lot of crap<BR>i odnt know hwat to do and this is always on my mind its killing me slowly i feel im being punished for something<BR>WWWHHHHHYYYY???? why did it all have to happen always the worst thing that could happen has out of this<BR>and ill never get away from it even if i leave him it will still be on my mind and i will still have to deal with it<BR>

Dear NBS,<P>Wanted to say hi and welcome. I definitely have some thoughts for you on your situation - in many ways your ow sounds a lot like mine - she just wants the money but doesn't want us involved in oc's life. Anyway, I'll have to get back to you tomorrow with my thoughts as I am in the middle of a family emergency. <BR>Til then,<BR>cdcollins

Gosh, do I identify with your issues, but cannot write much now. Know that we too are paying a lot of money-1200 a month for child support, something I only learned of 2 months ago about affair, 3 years in duration, and child who is now 1 year old. H was hoping it would go away ( the child) , it did not, he finally had to tell me when he had to pay child support out of our joint account. The other women initially said she would raise child alone and refused abortion.she changed her mind and filed for paternity and support when she found out she could not economically do it alone. She actually believes her child has the right to know my kids-boy, is she dreaming. You are right- it stinks, but first I think you need to decide if you want marriage to work. Right now I cannot accept OC in our life, regardless that having visitation or partial custody would decrease payments.That is too high a price to pay for me. I hate paying the money, I am furious at my husband for this mistake, he knows he blew it, but we have to move on. I cannot imagine telling my kids, ages 8 and 4, about who child is and the wrong doing father did to us all. I just cannot bear it. Your situation is different,since you were facing divorce, but equally painful. I am barely tolerating the thought I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life, whatever I decide=to stay with him or not. Right now we are working on rebuilding our life, our husband/wife marital relationship, and I had to plead with my husband not to have contact with OC-he had contact with OC in last year since its birth before I knew of affair and child. I cannot tolerate him continuing contact with child , even if it does not involve me or my family, because to me it represents such a threat to our family. some of the other women who post here have accepted OC into their lives, are beginning to, are attempting it, or like me not accepting it.We each have our own journey and response to it. My husband thought we would all get along, have child know its half siblings, (our two kids, ages 8 and 4) but I cannot do it, and so now since he faced me divorcing him over this after 25 years of marriage if he did not accept no contact with child. Some of the women here have changed their minds over contact as years from time of discovery occurs-it could happen to me but I do not think so. AS it is, I hate paying the child support, hate what this has done to the happy life I mistakenly thought I had. Right now I am doing what I think I need to heal and what I think I need to do to protect my family, especially my kids. My husband is a great father and our children have thrived in our life together. I am not willing to break that up due to husband's mistake. YOu need to decide what you need to do to heal and do it,a nd do not feel forced to have contact if you cannot do it. I know I cannot . Good luck, and keep writing. I have told no one either and would be lost without this site.

Dear Never_be_same,<P>Gosh honey, I am so sorry you are in this situation, but if you are this is definately the place to be. There are some wonderful people on here with wonderful ideas and solutions to ease pain. If nothing else they are a great support and always have something witty to say to put a smile on your face.<P>It sounds as if you and your h are trying to work things out and that is a hard road, but one that can be well worth it. I would like to tell you that ow in our case tried to buddy-buddy up to me and it was for no good. She was just trying to hurt my marriage even further. She alose acted as if WE were the victoms and my H was a predator and poor poor her. Oh and of course me too. She was soooooo full of it!<P>Anyway, she did the same...filed for support and we filed back for joint custody. She nearly flipped her lid. She was so against ME having anything to do with her child that she dropped her case and moved with no forwarding address. Thank my lucky stars! Maybe yours will do the same. Does she live near yall?<P>It sounds as if she might be obsessive over your H, it amazes me how many do that. Anyway, has your H filed a restraining order on her? Might be a good idea. If nothing else, you know itll iritate the you-know-what out of her. Give the little money-grubber a taste of her own medicine.<P>I will pray for you and continue posting here. <P>Love and Prayers<BR>broken_wings

Hello,<BR>I'm sorry you have gone thru this. I understand you<BR>were working towards getting back together and this<BR>must have hit you hard. Yes I ask why but eventually<BR>you realize there just arent reasonable answers to such<BR>a heartbreaking situation. Everyone does the best they can<BR>considering thier circumstances. Some stories are similiar,<BR>some different but we all share grief of knowing your H has<BR>fathered a child with someone else. <BR>I hope the best for you and your H. Its hard to believe<BR>how messed up our best laid plans can be. Keep your chin<BR>up, you are not alone. There are wonderful women and men<BR>here who are coping and in better marriages then ever.

Hi NBS. Ditto all the above. <BR>In my case ow is due in a few weeks and I'm not sure which way my marriage is headed.<BR>Disagreement on how visitation will take place...to long to get into.<P>I hope you come here often for support and the others in your situation can relate to you on how things have gone for them.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

never_be_same,<BR>Glad you found us sorry you have to be dealing with this nightmare. Your name says it all. Only got a min but wanted to welcome you. I'll try to be back later. with love flowerseed

Broken Wings <BR>my drean come true if she would move away and drop it all<BR>im trying to think of another way to make that happen<BR>i asked H to call her again and explain that "reasonable Visitation " means every other weekend every other holiday, and one day a week and tell her we will try to take full custody and keep trying . Something... i dont know<BR>i just want her to drop it!!!!!!<BR>h can accept not seeing it but I cannot accept paying so much!!<P>EVeryone else,<BR>thanks so much for the support <BR>it feels so much better to see that people out there have Actually survived this<BR>ifelt so much like my life was just an episode of Jerry Springer<BR>somedays i can barely get out of bed<BR>yes the nasty slut lives a few miles from us<BR> I dread going to the store I have to search the parking lot first<BR>i di d see her in Wal Mart once while she was pregnant<BR>when i work nights i see her on her way to work the next morning on my way home<BR>its terrible <BR>i really want to move away!!!!!!!!!!<BR>

Never_be_same,<P>Why dont you move away? I actually just started reading Harley's book Surviving An Affair and that is a suggestion he makes, heck, he pushes for it. It so far is an excellent book and about 5$ cheaper here than in the bookstore. Try it out.<P>Love and Prayers,<P>bw

I do want to move away <BR>he doesn't <BR>sometimes i tell him i am with or without him<BR>he cancome if he wants<BR>I SHOULD STAND BY THAT<BR>Tell me more about the book

Dear Never,<BR>I did exactly that. When I made the decision to move, I told h that I was going with or without him. I told him that I hoped and prayed that he would come along, but that I could no longer live in the same town with ow - no matter what, I would always be wondering if they were seeing each other behind my back. H decided to go with me. The day we moved is the day our marriage really started over.<BR>cd

never,<BR>you can't heal if your H is not willing to take concrete actions to show his remorse and dedication to healing your relationship. I think Harley's books deal with this (I don't have them)and another excellent book is "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring. See my post re:a ceremony on It Sure Has Been Slow Here. Are you or you and H in couseling at all? If your H thinks you can both ignore what happened without talking about the whys (not why pregnant but why he avoided your marriage through adultery), then your marriage will still HAVE those problems!! It's critical to get help. I hope you get at least one of these books and counseling if you can. <P>Blessings,<BR>J, over 2+ years in recovery and doing GREAT!