found out H had relationship w/OW, first he says one-nite stand. i don't know. then i find out more. he says he was trying to protect me and wanted to end it w/her but said she was blackmailing him, would have told me about A if he didn't basically continue seeing her. when i found out, it was mistake thru ins. co. calling to tell me about third child i didn't have. it was THEIR child, 3 mos. old. we have 3 and 5 year old. i was advised by g/friend to have him quit claim house to me, move back to my home town across country, make H get new job there and have no contact with OW/OC. i am very confused. pls. can you help with my questions:<BR>1) should i stay?<BR>2) is the move a good idea and the no contact ever. will H miss them and resent me?<BR>3) what does quit claiming house to me do?<BR>4) even if i try to protect my children, won't one day they find out anyway, OW/or OC will come into picture one day and then my children will have to be told and what will they think of their father who abandoned OC<BR>5) the CS i found out is exorbitant! it will really cut into our budget. how do i deal with this? if i divorce him, my alimony and CS is less because of her? but how do i live with this?<BR>6) and big one.....what are my chances of working this out? can i ever trust him again? what are the percentage of marriages that make it thru this? maybe it's not worth it to try. thank you all very much during this painful time.

cheatedon,<BR>Sorry you are going thru this. I have only a min to reply so I cant answer all your questions right now. Yes you can do this you found the right place there are a lot of wonderful people here that will help you. Someone else will be along to answer you soon I am sure. Sorry I have to be in such a hurry. with love flowerseed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cheatedon:<BR><B>i was advised by g/friend to have him quit claim house to me, move back to my home town across country, make H get new job there and have no contact with OW/OC<P>Dear cheatedon: I am so very, very sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place. I have quite a lot of experience with this and am just coming to the end of all the hoops I have had to jump through so perhaps I can tell you what I did and maybe you can gain some insight through this very terrible and shattering revelation.<P>I am two years and six months since D-Day (discovery day) of the affair, and two years and three months since D-day II (discovery of the pregnancy). <P>I have divorced my husband (though we are living together as husband and wife and nothing between us has changed-this divorce is a 'faux' divorce designed to protect me and what little we have left), he has signed a Quit Claim deed over to me and put the house in my name alone which keeps the OW from being able to extort at least 25% of his share of the equity in our home for herself. Your friend is right. Do this as soon as possible. <P>Moving is an excellent idea...so is a new job. We have just moved over the past two weeks to another town and I have rented out our house. We were forced to file bankruptcy because the courts mandated 70% of my husband's income thinking we had far, far more than we did simply because OW said so! Even though we provided the courts with every shred of documentation to prove otherwise, swore under oath to tell the truth, they still nailed my husband to the income shares cross and we were forced to abandon our failing business and were so distracted by the horrors we endured that we ultimately allowed the business to be taken over by the bank in an effort to save our house from foreclosure. Ugh...a real nightmare...all because of my husband's fall from grace, his bipolar diagnosis and his return to alcoholism that was the catalyst to this "affair-fling" he had with a woman who lives 1800 miles away. <P>My husband has absolutely no contact with the OC and never ever will. Our grown adult children do not know of his indescretion or the child and we want to keep it that way for a myriad of reasons. If they ever find out, we will deal with it at that time. But in the meantime, I am suing the OW for Personal Injury (mine) because I contacted her the first week she started seeing my husband and explained to her he was sick, mentally ill, an alcoholic and in trouble right now and pleaded with her not to see him again. Knowing full well he was sick and mentally unstable and knowing I loved him and wanted to save our marriage, she laughed at me, threatened me, didn't care how distraught and desparate I was and continued seeing him. She didn't care. In fact, she actually went out of her way to ensure her pregnancy. She only spent three weekends with him and spent two of those weekends taking EPT tests.<P>My husband and I attended Retrouvaille, a retreat for troubled marriages sponsored by the Catholic Church; anyone can attend. We counseled with a Retrouvaille priest that informed us that the ONLY repsonsibility my husband has to the OC was financial...that his first and foremost obligation was to me and the marriage and to our family. That the OW had an agenda and made decisions that would impact many innocent lives and due to her selfishness, if the OC went without a father, that sin would lie with her as adoption is an option she should have used. Your husband has no obligation to the OC other than financial support-reasonable and just financial support. Not confiscatory, outrageous support amount that will cause you and your children from a legitimate marriage hardship and strife.<P>1) should i stay?<P>I do not know how long you have known about all this or when your D-Day was, but the best advice is to stay close to one another and allow your husband to exhibit to you his deep and profound remorse and regret and allow the healing to begin. Do not do anything rash or make any important decisions for at least the first 12 months until you have had time to get through the stages following discovery. If you move too quickly, you may make mistakes that you may regret and will just complicate your life and make things more traumatic for you. Remember, you are still in shock, traumatized, and devastated from this horrible, horrible news...you should not make any decisions but spend all your spare time working on restoring your marriage. You and your husband should both study the Harley books and principles, get counseling, attend Retrouvaille and work together to restore your marriage.<BR> <BR>2) is the move a good idea and the no contact ever. will H miss them and resent me?<P>He had better not resent you! After all, you are innocent! You did nothing to cause this and if you do not wish OC involvement for now or for forever, he should acquiesce to your wishes completely and without question. If anything, your husband should worry about your resentment of him. Do not worry about any misplaced sense of obligation or guilt he may temporarily have to the OC...the OC should never have been born to him, the OW should never have allowed herself to get pregnant, the OW should never have slept with a married man to begin with. Once he focuses on you, your marriage and your children together and just pays support and detaches himself from the situation, perhaps you will be able to restore your family.<P>3) what does quit claiming house to me do?<P>It just puts the house in your name and gives you 100% of any equity so the OW will not be able to extort any additional money from you or your children. You may have to pretend to seperate or divorce to do this according to the laws in your state...I have done this and so has cdcollins here on this site. This protects cd and her children from the OW waltzing in and stealing even more than she already has...hasn't she already stolen enough from you? Your exclusivity, you being the only mother to your husband's children, your financial well-being, your security, joy and peace of mind? Don't let her get her grubby, opportunistic hands on your equity.<P>4) even if i try to protect my children, won't one day they find out anyway, OW/or OC will come into picture one day and then my children will have to be told and what will they think of their father who abandoned OC<P>What will matter most to your children is that your family remained intact, your husband chose them in an impossible situation and that his only obligation is to them. If they ever find out, let's just hope it is when they are old enough to udnerstand that a horrible, horrible mistake was made and your husband had to do what was right for you and them and that the OW is completely responsible for the OC because she made all the decisions and called all the shots and did not consult you or your husband about what you two thought should happen...like adoption. Some people are just so selfish that they would rather subject innocent OC's to a life without a father in an attempt to a free ride/mealticket. It is sad for the OC, but you must leave that to OW. <P>5) the CS i found out is exorbitant! it will really cut into our budget. how do i deal with this? if i divorce him, my alimony and CS is less because of her? but how do i live with this?<P>If OW has not yet filed for support, you must file for a legal separation then file for child support yourself. Hopefully the lion's share of the support will go to you and your kids and her support will be significantly reduced.<P>6) and big one.....what are my chances of working this out? can i ever trust him again? what are the percentage of marriages that make it thru this? maybe it's not worth it to try. thank you all very much during this painful time.<P>This may be incredible for you to believe but many and most of us here are successfully rebuilding our marraiges. It usually takes a couple years to get through the stages and we can only get through this with our husbands' complete cooperation and desire to make the marriages work. If your husband is remorseful and completely rededicated to you, your chances of a successful recovery are good, provided you enter into a Policy of Joint Agreement (see Harley principles) and study and adhere to the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. I still have bad days but they are fewer and farther between as time goes on and the effort is consistent and real on my husband's part. It has been the hardest time of my life and rebuilding trust is no easy feat, but we are doing this stone by stone, brick by brick. And the most incredible thing I have noticed is that now when my husband and I go out, he only has eyes for me, he is completely involved with me, he never looks at other women anymore and he is so incredibly grateful that his marriage remained intact and that I am still deeply in love with him. So in some very strange ways, it is better than before...just with scars and shadows that heal more and more as each day passes. Retrouvaille boasts a recovery rate of about 80 or 90 % so that is an option to consider after you and your husband have had a chance to work through some of the issues and stages of denial, shock, rage, sadness, acceptance. Somewhere between sadness and acceptance is a good time to try Retrouvaille. In the meantime, study those Harley principles and if you can afford it, call the Harley's and have a phone counseling session, one on one, or see a pro-marriage counselor in your area.<P>I know I draw kind of a hard line on all of this...there are others here who have a softer gentler way and they will be by soon with their recommendations and their outstanding comfort and guidance. Listen to them and pray and study the priciples. We are here for you, Honey. God bless, guide, protect and comfort you.<P>Catnip =^^=</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited April 05, 2001).]

Hello,<P>You've already gotten the best advice and understanding<BR>but I wanted to say welcome. This isnt something any of<BR>us ever imagine going through...<BR>I do believe marriages can survive and prosper if the<BR>H's and W's are on the same page now. Im only 9 mos since<BR>finding out so there are still days that it haunts me.<BR>With your H's help you can trust him again. In my case,<BR>I feel my H is so remorseful an so worried about losing<BR>his family that he is grateful to still have us. <BR>Slowly we are coming to a balance where we are truly<BR>happy again.<BR>Although in our case no cs was ever made because the op<BR>never went through with test, I worry what will happen in<BR>the future. Im sorry that so many couples here have to<BR>pay such outrageous cs. I have a son from a previous <BR>relationship. His father and I never went thru the courts,<BR>we remained civil. I felt since the he would only see his<BR>child every other wkend then I simply couldnt demand<BR>excessive cs. I had a helpful family and we settled on<BR>a fair amount. No where near the amounts that I see on <BR>this forum. And I had a 3 yr exclusive relationship and<BR>was engaged at the time I got pregnant. So really I just<BR>dont see where these women feel they have the right to <BR>HIGH cs. If it were me, I'd try<BR>to raise my child on my own - it can be done. Personal<BR>responsibility. Guess I got off track there!<BR>Anyway please know that you arent alone in this. <BR>Keep writing as it can be a great relief.<BR>TAke Care.<BR>

Hey, For your info, there is a woman on TOW board claiming to be the OW you are talking about. THe stories are identical. If you are interested ,go check it out.Gloryb.com

She is posting under the name Trina.

Catnip, thank you so much for your words of advice. My Husband agreed to Quit Claim. Although our atty. said the OC is not entitled to anything but CS based on my husband's income and not any of our assets. I am going to insist on the move too. I think you are right. I cannot stand the thought of her intruding on us. I will write again soon. My brother & SIL came to visit and help out. I will write again soon. Thank you.

cheatedon,<BR>I believe the only way the ow can get there hands on anything other then child support. If she goes after your h for support from the day she files if its proven to be his the ammount of back support builds up to a certain ammount then the state can put a lean on your house or any assets your h may have.Thats the way it is here in MI. The guidelines are diffrent from state to state maybe even county to county. I would see if you can get your hands on a friend of the court handbook for the county ow lives in. Hang in there come here as often as need be and we will try to help. with love flowerseed

Cheatedon,<P>Catnip said it all. I just wanted to say hi and tell you this really is the best place to be for advice and support. Also Harley has a book called Surviving An Affair, which I have juststarted reading and so far it is real good. A friend of mine started His Needs, Her Needs and she called me last night to tell me it was great! Anyway they are about 5$ cheaper ordering here than teh bookstore.<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

cheatedon. just wanted to add my two cents. I am still trying to process all the legal hassled of being in a situation with OC/Ow . Briefly, look at my previous posts but just 2 months ago my husband came home and told me he had had an affair with a woman he met online for 3 years on and off and they had a child, a daughter, now a little over age one. My kids think this child is a friend's daughter and have had minimal contact with child.The OW actually housesat for us one time, which now infuriates me. The OW initially refused abortion, refused adoption, said she would raise child on own as my husband always told her he would never leave me or our two kids, who are only 8 and 4.Six months later she realized she could not ecomically do it alone and filed for paternity.<BR>We pay a whopping 1200 a month for CS, and the reason my husband told me was because the support payments were going to have to come out of our joint account.WE have been married nearly 25 years. I was shocked and devastated.The worst part for me-the other child.The recklessness of my husband and OW, who refused birth control, pains me to this day. The OC is a severe threat to my marriage and my kids. they adore their dad, and he is a wonderful man and father.HOw we got here-he felt sexually unfulfilled by me for years, probably for good reason but his decision to do this was so awful.He now realizes the pain he has caused me, in particular the OC. I should state he had contact with OC in the year since its birth while I did not know of its existence. Unfortunately, knowing the child and caring for her has made it harder for him to give it up.<P>We started marriage counseling, I think initially his motivation was to see if we should tell our kids.He really initially thought I would accept OC, he would have visitation, he would tell our kids he made a mistake, and the kids would know each other.In counseling he came to see how intolerable contact with OC was for me, and how painful continued association with OC would be for me, I suspected forever.It came down to, no contact or divorce. Keep i mind we have a life of nearly 30 years together and both had a lot to lose, but I was prepared to do that to spare more hurt to me and my kids. NOw, today, he has agreed to give up contact with child, forever if need be. He did say in therapy today he hopes maybe one day I will change his mind, but he is not counting on that.As the therapist stated, I have been clear I cannot tolerate that, and doubt I will change my mind. ONly by him forsaking contact with OC have I been able to start to feel like we can heal and rebuild our marriage. Even the therapist said that may be the consequence of the affair he has to pay for as well, no contact with child, and she thinks the best for OC would be for OW to seek a new man to father and parent a child, something I hope happens some year. <BR>Anyway, my point is, for first time in therapy, we started to focus on how to repair us-what attracted us in the first place, why not leave marriage, what is good in marriage, and therapist can see we have a lot to save.Now we are going to focus on saving it. I feel optimistic, lighter, happier than I have felt in the last 2 months since discovery. I can get over this, but only if husband maintains no contact. I know we are not out of woods, but hope we are turning a new direction. I needed to know I was more important to husband than OC and the life he had outside marriage and feeling that way has allowed me to now think I may be willing to move on.,<BR>You do what you need to do. If I could move, I would. Ow and OC lives 5 miles away, I am always worried I will run into her. I hope she moves as she has no ties here other than job and my husband says that may happen. He has given up all contact with OW, and I hope she leaves us alone. If she bothers us, I intend to file harassment charges. Anyway, do what you need to heal. You and marriage need to take precadence. <P>By the way, I posted the item on inheritance, and my husband keeps thinking we shouldn't worry about this all. That his will says all goes to me. I keep sharing with him what you all tell me. OUr home is in both names-could OW/OC get part of the home if he died before me? Or only if he died before child turned 18? Do they have any claim on what he leaves me, regardless of age of child-say if his will leaves all to me and OC is an adult? I know we need to see a lawyer. Right now he wants to focus on our healing, but I feel as if he is fighting me on this, or has his head in the sand.What is up?

cheated on,<BR>you've gotten some good advice. I'm sorry for your pain. Just want to welcome you to the board. Is it possible to heal? I can tell you 2+ years later, I've moved on and feel good about my marriage and family, so it's possible to live a good life again. What's the percentage? I wish I knew!! But DH and I seem to do lots of things that are against the odds anyway You might be surprised how many couples have experienced this (I am), but it makes sense since so adultery is so tragically common.<P>Hope you respond again. Good luck,<BR>J