Just wondering if any of you have seen oc, how old were they when you did and how you felt, maybe you only saw a picture, I would like to know what I am in for in this area, I am totally lost!

I caught a brief glimpse of OC (she was about 6 months old) while at court in NY when Bystander accompanied me to the hearing. Had he not been there, seeing OC would have been far, far more traumatic. As it was I was distracted by Bystander's comic relief and sound advice and I got out of there fairly unscathed.<P>I remember that OC was damn adorable and it tore at my heart, briefly. But because my husband wasn't there (he was in treatment at the time and I had Power of Attorney) and he did not see her, I did not have to witness HIS reaction to her or feel threatened or jealous or any other base instincts. My viewing of OC just made me sad and melancholy because I can't have my own husband's child. <P>Looking back on that day, I detached myself pretty well and looked at her as just another baby. That night in my hotel, though, I cried and snarled at God that the child should have been mine and that I am the only one entitled to have her. But, that was then.<P>I know I could not see her now and don't believe I will ever be able to see her because of my profound sadness that is still within me. <P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited April 05, 2001).]

Hi,<P>I havent seen oc but they live painfully close and<BR>that day will probably come. I do look closely at<BR>every child to see any resemblance, Ive about drove<BR>myself and my h crazy so im trying to refocus on OUR<BR>kids and US. <BR>Just thinking about seeing oc makes me sick. I know <BR>it is not about the child but the fact that HER genes<BR>and my h genes should have NEVER combined. <BR>If it ever comes out in the open I'll cross that bridge<BR>when we get to it. At this point getting thru everyday<BR>without being consumed by anger is enough for me.<BR>Good luck to you.

I haven't seen oc (1 year in May) in person and niether has my H, yet she was sending pictures. We haven't gotten any in the past few months. She has sent a few packs and at first with a real general card then they were wrapped in a plain piece of paper. I thought it was only 4 times yet I found out later that my H had combined some of the envelopes. We have made a decision together that we will not open any further ones she sends. It upsets me too much and my h feels no emotional attachment to oc so he doesn't feel the need to. We had discussed this and I asked if he would be able to throw them out and he said yes but didn't feel I would trust that he didn't open them first so he gives me the envelopes sealed and said I could do with them what I want. I save them in a box just in case he regrets not opening them or if he decides on contact. He says no for now. I dread the day I will have to face her and/or the baby. I don't think I"ll handle it well, but I said that about this too so...<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited April 06, 2001).]

fizzpop, <BR>We seen oc one time it was at the hospital when they did the dna test. He was 4 months old. It didnt bother me like I thought it would it just felt like it was someones baby. I did set there and study ever detail of child trying to see if there was any features that looked like my h or our dauther and there was nothing in this child that looked like either one. We both thought that the baby looked like another guy my h and ow worked with. The baby gave me a cute little smile and then spit up all over his mother. I think he was agreeing with me as to what I thought of her. with love flowerseed

I saw the OC just last Saturday night. OC was born March 4 and we are still waiting on actions OW is taking concerning paternity and her divorce. We were shopping at an area mall which is central to where we and the OW live. There she was with her mother and OC coming right toward me, my H and my boys. OW would have passed me right by, BUT I was assertive and stopped her by taking hold of her arm. OW took off and left OC with her mother and me. I have spoke with OW on several occasions, but she couldn't face me this time. (My H took off in the other direction, he is having alot of problem dealing right now. Lots of guilt and regret.) Very few words passed between me and OW's mother, but I felt good. OC was a tiny dark haired girl (like OW). I didn't think I could be this strong, but I was. I think now OW knows and is afraid of the relationship OC and I may have if this is my H's baby. One thing...I have 2 boys and I am very thankful OC is a little girl.<P>jessie

Jessie,<BR>good for you, making her face you like that!<P>fizzpop,<BR>I saw oc for the first time over a year ago. at first, it was really painful seeing how much she resembled my h. But then, the strangest thing happened. I realized that since she looked a lot like one of my own sons, I wouldn't be able to hate her the way I thought I would. it was like I just couldn't hate somebody who looked reminded me of one of my own babies. But all in all, I won't lie - it did hurt. On days that I am feeling particularly masochistic, I pull out our photos and look through them. As we are getting closer to having contact with oc again, I am getting nervous all over again about how I will deal with her resemblance to h. I am like jessie, too - we have 4 boys and I was glad oc was a girl. i can't really explain why, I just am.<BR>cdcollins

c.d.,<BR>We have a girl and oc is a boy. I to think it would bother me if the oc would have been a girl. Little did ow know that my h never wanted a boy . I thought for sure when I was preg that I was going to have a boy. I was so big. But she turned out to be one big girl. h was so happy when she was born and he got his little girl he wanted so badly. He went to the store and bought the cutest little lacy dresses, shoes ,socks you name anything with lace on it.It was so cute. I think when she called me to say h had a son she thought that was going to make a diffrence ha ha ha not. with love flowerseed

I have seen child once quickly unknowingly when before I found out about the affair and OC. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Hey Fizz,<P>I have only seen oc in pic. She was not real cute when she was a baby. The most recent pic I have seen was when she was about 8 months old. ow emailed it to me. She was a lot cuter then. She looks nothing like my H. Maybe I am just blind but I dont think she does. My H has 2 other daughters, one that is ours, and one from before. (He never has caught on to the concept of condoms) Both of his girls like just like him. oc did not at all. For that I am grateful.<P>I have not seen a pic in almost a year. We have had no contact in a year. <P>I do sometimes have a hard time bc one of my best friends had a baby 2 days after ow had oc. Sometimes when I look at my friends baby, esp when my 3 yr old daughter is playing with her I cant help but think of oc. Somtimes its hard on me, but I will get over it.<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

welcome to the forum, fizz and other newbies; so sorry for your fresh pain. I'm back after a month visiting family. <P>Re: OC, H and I have only seen her in pictures, and it hurts greatly to see because it reinforces all our feelings of great pain and regrets, no joy. We've lost 4 of 6 pregnancies together and this Ochild feels like giving one up for adoption; we are long distance and XOW will never give up custody (I would prefer we or someone other than the XOW raise her). I think one day the OC will want to visit us and we are open to that; I don't hate the child, but I don't see how she will ever be any joy to us either. In particular, I'm afraid I will be searching the OC's behavior for signs of her mother's lack of values. It is a very sad situation for every one. As for looks, OC looks very like her mother with my H's eyes. Since XOW and I look very similar, her 3 kids (only one is my H's) and my 2 look similar too; people thought they were siblings BEFORE OC was born!<P>best wishes,<BR>Jenny, 2+ years in recovery

We have only seen pictures of oc when she was a few months old. My MIL had them. Notice I said HAD. She looks nothing like my H or our son. She looks like OW. Hopefully, she is cute (for her own sake) now, because she was an ugly baby. (OW is ugly) I have a pic of her that I can't seem to throw away. I was in the mall a few months ago and some huge ugly chick was staring at me. She had a child in a stroller but it was covered with a blanket. I later found out it was OW. Apparently beer does strange things to a man.

Dear Fizzpop,<P>Just came back from a 4-day visit to see OC, a girl, just <BR>about 1-year-old. I will admit that I have very little use for the mother (xOW), but I think that the baby is adorable. I would have much less respect for my H if he did not try to establish a relationship with his child. IMO, he owes this child more than a support check. I was born of an sort-of-affair. My mother left my father (the man who raised me), asking for a divorce. During this separation, she conceived me with another man. My father didn't care that she was pregnant with another man's child. He loved her and wanted to reunite. He loves me and raised me as his own. When I say that, he says "What do you mean, like my own?!? You are mine. I have been there for every important day of your life except the least important--your conception." He is my model of true and unselfish love, the Grace of God in action.<P>We fly to the city where xOW lives. She basically turns her house over to us from 8:00 am to 8:00 pm so that we can visit the baby there. It is much easier than caring for her at a hotel where there is no crib, no microwave, no changing table, etc. We go out there every 2 or 3 months for a few days.<P>The xOW thinks the little girl looks a lot like my H. I don't know, I don't think you can tell until a child is 2 or 3 years old whom they look like.<P>I am infertile, born w/o a uterus so, yes, the fact that he has fathered a child by another woman is very, very painful. I think that those of us who are dealing with an xOW, an OC and infertility are carrying an especially heavy burden.<P>It helps somewhat that we are in the middle of an international adoption of two boys. We hosted them last summer and we will soon be traveling to their country to bring them home. We both fell in love with these little boys and they bonded with us. We are going to be parents together--a life-long dream. <P>D-day (7 months ago) was a few weeks after the boys went back to their home country. I was devestated and felt that my decision on whether or not to stay married was all wrapped up in the decision to adopt the boys. I became seriously depressed and was hospitalized. <P>We have both decided that we want to remain married and continue with the adoption. We are working on our marriage with a wonderful marriage counselor.<P>How do I stand this? Much prayer, relaxation tapes, the unending Grace of God, a good marriage counselor, a repentent H, and a good dose of anti-depressant and tranquilizer each day. <BR>

Mrs. job<BR>do you think it makes a difference<BR>in a case like your own mother, who was separated??<BR>i was separated and divorcing my h when he had this little 2 week drunken fling <BR>we then reconciled BEFORE i found out about it and the pregnancy<P>i could move on and forget <BR>At least your mohter didn;'t hold the other guy responsible!!!!!!<P>this girl tells people she hopes we ( ME and H) can work it out<BR>thats not true or she wouldnt do the restraining order and turn around and tell someone else shell be DAMNED if I ever have anything to do with it<BR>and tell H "I want your money"<P>EVERYONE: DOES IT EVER STOP HURTING AND CONSUMING YOUR THOUGHTS?<BR>

Mrs. Job, as always I am sorry for all your pain. I think it's great that you can do what you are doing for this OC. It must be very costly and time consuming to sacrifice time and money to see this child long distance. We are also long distance (with 2 biokids and 4 pregnancy losses) and canNOT afford the time and money. Do you think it will become more difficult (the time and money) when you have your precious boys home? Do you think they will resent what it takes away from them? As the OC gets older, will she be able to visit you at your home like a regular step-child? I often wonder if a part-time (ie not daily or weekly) father is better or worse than no father at all; opinions vary.<P>I hope you do not judge us and others here harshly for not making the same sacrifice. Not only is it the money issue, the time issue, the children within the marriage too, but in some cases contact with XOW is too deadly (to the marriage) to consider.<P>God bless you.<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 12, 2001).]

never_be_same,<BR>Yes it does get better it just takes a lot of help from your h in order to get there.When he has proven to you enough times that things are truely going to be diffrent and stay that way,you will start believing in him again . I had them same things going thru my head so many times when will this ever quit consuming my every waking hour. It gets a little better at a time at first I had to take one hour at a time thats how bad I was. I still cant get thru one day without thinking about it but its nothing like it was.As long as I keep busy it doesnt even enter my mind. It has taken this long though to be able to even be able to do anything and stick to it . We are going on 2 yrs yaa hoo. I sure hope your h will agree to move with you that would surly help things.Hang in there together we all will make it. with love flowerseed

Dear fizzpop,<P><BR> I see OC every day! She is my beautiful Angel!!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Yes, I have seen one of oc, but not the youngest one (same mother).<P>H brought him over December of 1999, he was about 13 months old. <BR>I have seen two pictures of them.<BR>One just recent, when we received the DNA papers, they had a picture of them with their mother on it.<BR>Reality has set in and my emotions are raging. But to never_be_same - things will get better, you just have to trust in the Lord and pray daily for help to deal with the situtation.<BR>To see the look on H face when he saw the picture was sad, not because of the OW picture but because of the boys, whom he had not seen since December 2000. We have two teenage girls, they do not know about their brothers yet, which is another problem. We hope to see them this weekend.<BR>G&P

I saw OC without realizing it several months ago... My sister in law was babysitting him (as she regularly did, but told everyone that it was a "Friend's" child") and we all went out to dinner (H, my kids, me, SIL, and MIL). No one realized who the child was except H and SIL, of course. I saw OC again two days after I learned of the OW and OC, and it was VERY hard. He looks NOTHING like my husband! My son and my H other son from a relationship before we were married looks JUST LIKE MY H, but this child does not...so I am holding out hope...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by never_be_same:<BR>[B]Mrs. job<BR>do you think it makes a difference<BR>in a case like your own mother, who was separated??<P>Yes, I do think it made a difference to my father (man who raised me, not bio-father) that they were separated at the time and that my mother had not been sleeping with this other man while they were together.<P>Jenny, no I don't judge anyone harshly for getting through the mess of an affair and a child however they get through it (well, short of murder, I guess ). There are many times I wish that the xOW and the OC could just go away and we could go back to the life we used to have. It is very hard to see that my husband loves this child. He reacts to her differently than he has ever reacted to any of our 18 nieces and nephews. I don't love this child yet, I hope that someday I will come to. <P>As for the boys, I imagine that once they are home, they will go on visitation with us, so I hope that the fact that there is an OC will not take away from them. Financially, the CS, although quite large, is not too difficult for us (big jobs, big salaries--not bragging here, but we have far more than we need and I want the OC to not want either.)<P>Mrs. Job (that's the Biblical reference, not a play on words about my employment)<BR>