Today I feel deeply saddened by what my husband has done to our life; I am mad he had the affair to begin with, I am mad he chose a woman who wouldn't get an abortion and chose to keep the child. I am mad we are paying huge payments, I am mad he has destroyed a love I have had for him for more than 30 years. On my good days, I know he wanted the affair, did not want the child, and realize the child was a byproduct of an unthinking affair with both my husband and <BR>Ow responsible for. I blame the other woman a lot for our pain, especially just having the child and 6 months later seeking CS. I do blame my husband for getting involved with a woman who refused birth control and then pleaded Catholocism for not getting abortion. Funny how her religion didn't speak to adultery, though. Last night, my husband and I almost were like our oldselves-laughing, talking, being together, having sex. Now I am hurt and sad. Just needed to get this off my chest. H has been attentive, willing to give up OC for me, at least right now, we leave for a 5 day trip for spring break with kids to Nevada on Monday-but still, I ache tonight. I feel I will be damaged for life due to this. I wonder if I will ever totally forgive husband for what he has done. Does one? Can one? I hope so, since I plan on staying with him, but it sure does hurt. <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 20, 2001).]

Isb,<BR>I don't know how long it has been for you, but I've got a couple thoughts on this. <P>Personally, it's been over 2 years and while the pain is not fresh and devastating anymore, there is still a pain there for me. My DH says he doesn't think it will be "over" until the OC is 18, but I'm not even sure it is "over" then, either. Because we will never be the same people. We CAN and HAVE learned to love each other and life again, but this OC situation will never be a happy one and will always be a shadow on our lives, even if a dim one, I think.<P>The other thing is I got to talk recently with a favorite aunt of mine who this happened to almost 40 years ago. My uncle fathered an OC about 10 years before his early death nearly 30 years ago. My aunt does not regret staying with him and he was GREAT with their children. But she found out a few years after his death that there had been a second OC by a third XOW(!) which she had not known, and she said something deep inside "just left me, it just left me", like the hole of that betrayal can never be fully repaired, especially since he was already gone. <P>Deep pain changes us forever, but we can still live happy moments... lately, I'm thinking we should create higher highs to balance the lowest lows!! <P>Hang in there.<BR>J<BR>

Jenny, thanks for your thoughts. It has only been 2 months for me, and given that,I know I am not doing too bad considering even a week ago I was a wreck. I think you are right. I do not think you ever get over this. I know in my fantasy, I would get over it more if the OW found another man to parent child, and moved on. Then I could see our life closer to what it once was. My husband listened to my litany of all I was mad at last night, like a grocery list, and he said he didn't know what to say. He says what he did was indefensible, wrong, stupid, reckless, and if he could undo it he would, but he can't. And that is the problem, isn't it.The wrong done to all of us never goes away, and is unrelenting. I agree we need to enjoy the highs or just normal times, I am trying, but at times I feel so sad when I look around at others and see them happy. I feel as if I am living a lie,even though I know my husband loves me and wants to restore my love for him. I hope I have a good time with him on our trip. We all need it. If only the woman had not had the child-her selfish desire to keep the baby has hurt us sometimes I think beyond repair, and I hate her for that.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel so sad when I look around at others and see them happy. I feel as if I am living a lie,even though I know my husband loves me and wants to restore my love for him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>LSB, when I read your post I felt the same questions I often ask myself. I too wondered if I would ever be quite as happy as other couples are who don't have the black veil of infidelity or chilren resulting from that infidelity hanging over their heads.<P>But you know what? So many of those couples that appear happy have sooooo many bones in their closets. Whether they be alcohol, drugs, bad sex, love out of duty or responsibility, lost love, etc. <P>I know a older couple (friends of my mom in their 60's) who I thought were the perfect married couple that noone could even come close to. Before D-day my H sought the husband of this couple out for advice on how to break the news to me. Turns out this perfect couple who'd been married a million years had been through much of the same we were going through. With the exception of the OC. <P>You talk about an eye opener for me. Just a big ole reality check.<P>So now when I look at other couples who seem or appear to be happy, I say to myself... boy am I lucky. You ask why am I lucky? Because my husband and I are making it through this tragidy as a couple. Our love for one another binds us and keeps us strong. In fact this whole mess has brought us to a deeper understanding of what it is to be a wife and a husband. How to love and listen to one another. What each of us can do to make the other happy. <P>I can be completely honest. If our marriage would have continued on the path it was on... even with no affair... we would be divorced in the next couple of years. Both of us would have stopped trying. We were both only giving 50% and getting only 50% in return. While still wanting %100 to be given. After awhile we would have burned out.<P>But now we've had a wake up call. And I feel damn lucky that we did. It saved our marriage. Damn strange the irony in it. But God does things for a reason. I believe he threw this our way to keep our family together.<P>It's all in how you look at it LSB, is the glass half empty or half full? You tell me?<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Very insightful Z-baby. You got me thinking....Thank you.<BR>Lsb, you are in my prayers.<P>Love<P>bw

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If only the woman had not had the child-her selfish desire to keep the baby has hurt us sometimes I think beyond repair, and I hate her for that. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is how I feel ISB. Exactly. People who know question why a married mother of 3 would do something so damaging to so many. As I've said before the child is going to bring only sadness and guilt.<BR>I know it's innocent(I HATED baby a few months ago)but children get used to things...like my H not being too involved.<P>I, however cannot get used to that because I'm already used to "us". I did not give birth to C (she hasn't yet either).<P>It will never bring me any joy. I know it in my heart. Not like our siblings children do. Or our son does.<P>I feel sorry that babys pain is yet to come. I will be healing by then.<P>As much as I feel sorry, I too am innocent.<P>I do not want H to have a seperate life w/C and it's mother. No matter how he sees it. It's how I see it. Constant involvement is far too much for me and as saddened as I am if H chooses that I will divorce him.<P>It sickens me also. He says baby didn't ask to be born...I didn't ask for this either and won't be able to live an emotionally healthy life with him playing daddy to C on a regular basis.<P>That too may be in God's plan as I pray always...no more to heal my marriage...but to show me the path I should follow for peace.<P>Debi

Dear lsb,<P>I can only say that you arent alone with your feelings.<BR>I, too, feel it was very selfish of op to have child <BR>and act as if there isnt anything wrong with her decision.<P>Like zebrababy said, so many couples look great on the<BR>outside but who knows what goes on in their homes.<BR>We all are proof of that. <P>I havent been married as long as you and it hurts like<BR>hell. I am sorry for the devastation this has caused<BR>to you and your precious children. <P>It is not easy to turn the other cheek. I hope you can<BR>find some peace. Take Care! fluke

gemini1 and zebrababy, thanks for your response to my post. I am off to Nevada for a family trip. Gosh, I hope I can enjoy it. My husband keeps saying I look so haggard when I look unhappy, I have lost 12 pounds since discovery.Anyway, gemini, if I were you, I would continue to tell your H the pain the OC will cause you and his continued relationship with it. If my h changes his mind about that, I too will have to divorce. Even with him staying away for now, it is almost unbearable for me. He knows he made such a huge mistake, knows his desire for A was a mistake since it caused such pain for many, and I really do not know how he lives with himself, but he just keeps going on.Anyway, I am trying to live with it, is still so devastating to me, but I want not to be angry and hurt all the time and I hope it gets better.Those of you farther from D tell me it does, but I agree, I will never feel so relaxed and happy as I did before finding this all out. My husband knows he has damaged me and is trying his best to make it up to me, but I do not think he can make it up to me.Tell your H gemini, that the OC will not miss him if she never knows him. But your son will and is already threatening no contact. I think the OW are so selfish to do this to all concerned, and they seem to have no pain that I can see. My Ow actually emailed me saying she had some pain from hurt me h did to her-like what? He never promised to be her h, never said he would leave me, didn't want the child, felt trapped in being responsible and fulfilling his obligations to C, not her.She was an adult who made bad decisions as well, and I should feel her pain? I am sorry. I still see us BS still are the ones who feel the most pain, and no one will convince me otherwise.Even the OC can live without Father, but our families will still be damaged.Gemini, hang in there, and zebrababy, I will try and see about the glass half empty thing. Talk to you when I get back from 5 day vacation.