...lately!<P>Anyway, since it has been so slow the last couple of days, I hope you all don't mind that I take up some space with a quick update.<P>My three year old is feeling good again. We had a rough couple of days when his cut got infected and went septic. The one day he was so groggy that I couldn't hardly get him awake even to drink, but the antibiotics have kicked in now and he is back to his rowdy little self.<P>My gram has been discharged from the hospital and is now at least home and comfortable. The doctors say that she doesn't have long to live, but who knows? she has fooled them before.<P>One item on the ow/oc agenda. Last night during a discussion, my h admitted that he doesn't believe that I really have forgiven him for the affair. He says that its not anything I have done to make him feel that way. He just thinks that until all of it is completely over, until the "book is closed" on the affair, I won't be able to completely forgive him. And he says that he can't completely believe that I have forgiven him because he can't even forgive himself for what he did to me. this troubles me for several reasons. First of all, since there is an oc, there will never be complete closure on it. Secondly, I am frustrated because I really HAVE forgiven him and there is no way I can "prove" it to him, aside from what I have been doing all along. lastly, I am hurt that he doesn't seem to have "faith" in me enough to believe that I love him enough to forgive him. Any suggestions about how to handle this?<P>One other thing: my h is under the impression that our lawyer won't be able to go into the mediation conference. i am not sure what gave him this idea, because I have always just assumed that lawyer was accompanying us. But h seems to have the idea that attourneys aren't "allowed" to attend the meeting. I am going to email our lawyer today to find out for sure, because if we have to do it without him I will be a total nervous wreck. lawyer has been my "rock" in all of this. For some reason, I feel like having him there protects us, from what, I don't know. I am still not sure whether or not I am allowed to attend the mediation, but I don't mind sitting out if lawyer can go. But if it is just h and ow there I will freak out. Anybody who has had mediation, can you tell me if your lawyer went along? I just can't imagine that they would ask either party to attend without legal council present.<P>thanks,<BR>cd

Hey CD, <BR> <BR> THe board has been moving at a snails pace. It's driving me crazy.Where is everybody? I am glad your son and Gram are doing better.I have nothing to offer as far as mediation is concerned since my h hasn't gone to court or even filed anything against ow. He spoke to a lawyer once months ago, but nothing came of it. He is still winging that situation day by day. It drives me crazy.

Hey CD,<P>Glad to hear your little boy is better and that at least your Gram is home.<P>I do not know about the meiation either, but you at least get to be there, right? Ow and H had their mediation over the phone....which by the way, was stupid. Those 2 werent about to agree that the sun rose in the east, much less anything else. I thought it was a huge waste of time, but I hope it is not for yall.<P>And it has been sssslllllooooowwwww on here. Did everyone find the magic drug that made everything just go away? I want to know why I wasnt included...lol<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

BW, yeah, I'll be too pissed if someone found the magic pill that makes everything go away and didn't share!<P>LOL<P>CD, so glad everything is well with your son and grandmother. Sorry no advice on mediation, we are blessed to not have the judicial system in our family yet. And I do mean yet. It's probably a matter of time.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

CD,<P>About mediation: In California, mediation is mandatory and lawyers are not included. However, during the orientation, we were all advised that if any agreement is reached, the parties will be able to present it to their attorney for review. I don't know how it would work in your state.<P>As for slow...it's kind of nice. My life has recently gotten a lot better. During the last few months, I have re-established contact with my ex-boyfriend (pre-MM). We're childhood friends...since I was 10 and he was 15. Anyway, prior to MM, we had been off and on for 5 years. Looks like we're back on. After my MM fiasco, I had decided that whatever we had was definitely over. How could I expect him to accept MM's child? I had cut all communication with him until January when I had a mini-crisis and called him in a moment of panic. We've had a lot of heart to heart talks over the last 2-3 months and have discovered that the love we shared is still there. So, ladies, it looks like this OW is "moving on" and finding her own happiness...with her OWN man. That's how it should have been! It's hard to believe that this time last year, I was in such misery. I know that many of the BS's here wish the OW in their nightmare would move on and would be greatly relieved to know that she had. Any thoughts on this? I'm not considering calling my son's step-mom just to tell her this, but should we talk, any ideas on how to share this information? Things are looking pretty serious with my ex-Ex-boyfriend. I guess he's just been waiting for me to come to my senses....although he didn't put it so nicely (said something about my head and my a**), but anyway. Please share your thoughts and any questions that I might have to face.

CD,<BR>I enjoy reading how you're doing. I was gone for a month but catching up now. I think the board being slow is a good thing: I hope it means that people are doing well and that XOP/OC isn't the big focus of their life that it sometimes must be. Thank God sometimes we can lead normal lives!! I can't wait to be able to say 3 years (this summer)! I've got lots great stuff going on in my life right now. The OC is a sad sad mess but I don't have to live it 24/7 and I'm so grateful not to be obsessing now!! XOW stole too much of my life as it is.<P>PS. never had mediation but I do hope you and your H can create more intimacy together and he can feel more secure (he's probably projecting his own feelings of not forgiving himself!). About 7 mo after DDay, I created a private ceremony for my H and I that was about forgiveness and healing the past. It was good. I'll describe it more if you like.<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 12, 2001).]

Jenny,<BR>I would like to hear about your ceremony, I'm sure others would to. It feels good to have you back your replys are so possitive and so full of hope. with love flowerseed

Oh jenny, I am glad you are back too. You often brighten my day!<P>I would like to hear more about your ceremony as well. <BR>cdcollins

Ask and ye shall receive <P>Here's what I remember. I read about ways to create your own ceremony before I did it, why ceremony is important and how it helps. It is important to go slowly and get max participation (your H has to have his heart in it too!) and plan whatever works for YOU! <P>After putting kids to bed one (planned) night, I lit candles, got stuff ready and made space for us to sit on the floor opposite, holding hands. <P>First I led us in prayer, breathing, and silent meditation. Can't remember exactly what I said but something like describing our pain, asking for God's assistance, for peace and healing for each of us, for our marriage, our kids (by name), the OC (by name); I asked that only good come of this, that all of us fulfill our higher purpose, whatever that may be. I thought about it before hand and went slowly and sincerely with everything I wished and anything H wanted to say to God in similar vein, expressing willingness to heal. <P>Then we made a paper guy to represent everything my H wanted to get rid of in himself, bad experiences and personal traits he was willing to change because they'd brought him so much misery, esp. stuff contributing to the affair like conflict avoidance and not sharing his (negative)feelings. We cut out an outline of a guy and H added words or pictures to it while we talked about these things. After we exhausted all the negatives about his "old self" that we could think of (that [censored]! ), we burned it! We burned that old 'bad guy', then H buried the ashes outside in dirt. He said that felt good (men are action people!). When he came back inside I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him and forgave him (meaning the affair) and that I looked forward to watching him grow and change. (you can imagine crying and hugging here)<P>Then a special footbath. I had bought a bouquet of roses in various colors. I told H to pick out one rose to represent our marriage past, pull off each petal and put it in a little tub. Then one by one he had to pick one rose for the baby we lost at birth, then each miscarriage... whatever I felt we needed to mourn. We cried over each memory, each petal, each sorrow and regret. Then I gave him a white one to add for our future marriage, for our hopes and dreams together, for a new man and a new beginning. After the rose petals were in, I added hot water, oil and more scent. Then I gave H a foot massage. A long, slow, loving one, each foot, with big soft towels afterward and conversation when we felt like it. For the "new man" he vowed to be. Imagine peace, intimacy and new energy <P>We both felt different afterward for days! (though honestly we had more work to do on the marriage and ourselves) A few months (of counseling) after that ceremony, we bought new wedding rings and renewed our vows. And H HAS changed for the better, has done everything as recommended by books and counselors for healing. It is a miracle and a blessing <P>What do you think? <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 12, 2001).]

Jenny,<BR>Beautiful you brought tears to my eyes good tears your h is a very lucky man. with love flowerseed

Thanks flowerseed