(also posted under CD's post)<P>My life has recently gotten a lot better. During the last few months, I have re-established contact with my ex-boyfriend (pre-MM). We're childhood friends...since I was 10 and he was 15. Anyway, prior to MM, we had been off and on for 5 years. Looks like we're back on. After my MM fiasco, I had decided that whatever we had was definitely over. How could I expect him to accept MM's child? I had cut all communication with him until January when I had a mini-crisis and called him in a moment of panic. We've had a lot of heart to heart talks over the last 2-3 months and have discovered that the love we shared is still there. So, ladies, it looks like this OW is "moving on" and finding her own happiness...with her OWN man. That's how it should have been! It's hard to believe that this time last year, I was in such misery. I know that many of the BS's here wish the OW in their nightmare would move on and would be greatly relieved to know that she had. Any thoughts on this? I'm not considering calling my son's step-mom just to tell her this, but should we talk, any ideas on how to share this information? Things are looking pretty serious with my ex-Ex-boyfriend. I guess he's just been waiting for me to come to my senses....although he didn't put it so nicely (said something about my head and my a**), but anyway. Please share your thoughts and any questions that I might have to face.<P><BR>

ohbratti,<BR>Good for you!<P>I would just say that you should tell the wife separately - not in front of the h because she might get the (wrong) idea that you are trying to make him jealous. "our" ow's feeble attemts to "rub it in" to my h that she has moved on with her life are so obvious. Like he cares! For heaven's sake, he wishes that she would get married and leave him alone forever. Doesn't look as if that will happen anytime soon. Sigh.<P>I know this is jumping the gun a bit, but if things work out in the long run for your xxbf, what role do you see him playing in your son's life? How will this change the dynamics with mm and his wife, do you think?<P>Again, I know I ask too many personal questions. Sorry. Just curious and nosy, I guess!<P>cd

Good for you Obratti!!! I hope all works out for you both!<P>Love,<P>Tigger

CD,<P>XXBF absolutely loves children. We were talking about having a few before I broke up with him. My biggest fear is that he will harbor some resentment for Jonas because "he should have been his". He says he's okay with the situation. He's actually very supportive. He's a very kind man with a generous heart….and is excellent father material. I haven't thought too much of how this will affect the relationship with MM and his wife. As far as I'm concerned, they want to be a part of Jonas' life, and so they shall be….to what extent is really up to them. I'm sure his W will be pleased (and relieved), but I don't know about him. He seemed to relish the thought that I had not shown any desire to date. He actually asked me if there had been anyone since him. I could almost see him gloating through the phone when I told him no. His smugness was really infuriating…but it was my own fault for answering something that really wasn't any of his business…lesson learned. Anyway, XXBF and I still have a lot of talking to do. I know it hurt him when I told him about Jonas. I have to be absolutely certain that he can cope with this situation. I'll leave MM to his W.<P>OB1<P><BR>Tigger,<P>Thanks!

ohb,<BR>One possible concern is for your son--for all kids of single moms. For instance, that the baby doesn't get too attached to a guy just to see him walk away later, or that you don't marry a bum who is dysfunctional or mistreats kids (no offense--I just read your last post that he's nice). Extreme example, I know of one single mom who has a different guy living with her about every MONTH--not cool, even if you aren't religious. But if your guy is decent and your relationship goes as everyone prays it will: slow, steady, ending in marriage, then the wife ought to be Thrilled!! It lessens the threat you represent and the guilt they feel for your child not having a father figure close. <P>One possible drawback in your situation, is if you marry the guy and the wife and biodad don't want to back off; I personally think the kid is better off being adopted by the man of the house, but whatever works. I hope it goes well, with a good balance for everyone.<P>Best wishes and hey! Better brush up on the Harley techniques for good relationships!!!!!!! Start early and avoid the pitfalls!

Dear Ohbratti,<P>You have been so great about answering my nosy questions that I can't help but ask a couple more. Hope you don't mind too much. I am just full of questions (or is it full of something else,haha!)<P>Do you ever wish, now that your xxbf is back in your life, that you had never told mm about your son at all?<P>If xxbf and you got married and he really wanted to adopt Jonas, would you approach mm and his wife about that? How do you think they would feel about the idea? Would you even want xxbf to adopt him (assuming that he really wanted to)?<P>What do you think would be the perfect outcome for all of this, if you had the power to decide how everything would work out?<P>Hypothetically, if you and xxbf got married, and mm and his wife agreed to bow out gracefully from Jonas' life so that he wouldn't have to feel torn between fathers, when would you tell Jonas the truth about his parentage? Would it be right away, or would you wait until he was older?<P>Probably you feel like most of these questions don't even apply, but I am just so curious about this stuff. i know that you are SOOOOO different from our ow, but I still like to be able to ask you the questions I wish I could ask her. Does that make sense?<P>Let us know how the romance is going!<BR>cdcollins

Okay, Nosetta, here goes:<P>Overall, I don't regret the decision I made to tell MM. I was honest and up front with him about something that is very important. It was up to him to decide what part he wanted to play. For me and my conscience, deliberately withholding that type of information is inexcusable and would have been hard for me to live with. I believe that dealing with a bad situation can be made worse if you also have to deal with lies and deceit. As for XXBF adopting Jonas…it's a long way off, but I'm open to anything. I guess it all depends on where we're all at when the time comes. If MM does not pursue a relationship with his son (even though he says he wants to), then I would not feel guilty about asking him to relinquish his parental rights. However, if he does play an active role in Jonas' life, then I would never be the one to ask him to step aside as his legal father. No matter how it came to be, he is his father and has certain entitlements where Jonas is concerned. I would not attempt to interfere with that relationship unless Jonas were in some kind of danger from him.<P>Now, if MM and W chose to step aside, I believe I would be honest with Jonas from the word go. Like I said, I don't do well with concealing the truth about something so important. XXBF would assume the primary position as father, but the door for MM and W would always be left open to participate in his life. In order to know where you're going, you have to know where you came from. I would like for Jonas to have every opportunity and not live with any doubts or questions about where he came from.<P>Believe it or not, XXBF brought this topic up yesterday. He was concerned about what would happen if, when the time came, Jonas ever wanted to call him "daddy". I told him we would just have to deal with it according the circumstances. At this time, MM wants to be active in Jonas' life and therefore is his "first dad". We'll just have to be real clear about who's who. That won't preclude XXBF from having a father/son relationship with Jonas. It just means that he's not the only "dad" in Jonas' life. Geez, this has the potential to be REALLY confusing if we're not careful.<BR>

NOSETTA!~hahahaha! My husband would love that! I better not tell him though, or I might end up having it as a permanent nickname!<BR>cdcollins

OB1,<P>I actually have some time this morning, as Abbi just went down for a little nap.<P>I have to admit that CD beat me to the questions that were running through my mind about Jonas and XXBF. We have a friend who was in a very similar situation, only he was in your XXBF's position. He married a woman who had a child from a previous marriage, only this little boy never new his bio-dad. The woman left when she found out she was expecting due to her H being abusive, and has had no contact since her son was delivered. Our friend became VERY attached to this little boy, and was called Daddy by him. Well, they had another child, and the woman claimed that our friend treated the younger son better, and loved him better than this other son. This is not true. They are now divorced, and our friend had never been able to adopt the older boy due to the woman never took the initiative to take the legal steps to make that possible(long story, so I won't get into that unless it is asked directly). Now, our friend is so torn about the older boy, since he has no claim on him, yet he was this boy's father for 4 years(2 dating and 2 married). I would highly recomend discussing this possiblilty with XXBF, and bio-dad, when the time is right. Like you said in your post to CD, this could potentially become very confusing if you don't keep on top of it. Jonas could survive with 2 daddies, if you handled it the right way, just be sure that you do what is going to be best for him. I know that has been your concern all along, Jonas' happiness, and I commend you for your sucessful effort, so far. Keep up the good work, and I think things will continue to go your way.<P>On another note, have you told xmm about XXBF yet? Sounds almost like your xmm and mine are very much alike in that aspect. I know our OM cringed every time he saw me and hubby together. And, of course, we would make it worse by being so kissy-kissy whenever we could OM is still very bitter, and probably will be for a very long time. Just his personality. Luckily we haven't heard anything from him since he popped up on our AIM with some very rude comments about me. And at that time he didn't mention anything about a possible pregnancy, so, so far, things are going our way with that.<P>Look at me, I rambled again. I just thought that my little story would help in the situation you find yourself in right now. Hope it did, and didn't make you more confussed about what to do.<P>Tigger

Ohbi wan,<P><BR> The force is definately with you!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg