I'm new here. It's been 10 months since D-Day. WE've been married almost 11 years. We have one child who is 2.<BR>H had a 4 year ema. During the course of the ema a child was conceived (five months prior to us conceiving). To add salt to the wound, my H and I could only conceive through invitro due to both of us having problems. But I guess the problem is mostly with me.<BR>Any way. H "ended" it. He has had no contact other than through the courts. We have been going to counseling since D-day and we have been working really hard in healing. <BR>According to the sworn testimony, OP lived on $250 a week, paid $150 in child care, leases a new car, etc. So of course she was awarded a nice CS settlement. One that hurts us at home. <BR>Since our initial court meeting, she has moved into a new condominium complex with her "lawyer". How nice it is to be able to collect free money just becasue you have the ability to reproduce. (Sorry for the bitterness and anger)<BR>I just hate that she apparently has moved on and I'm still in 1st gear. <P>How do I stop obsessing over someone who clearly doesn't think about me? I know that I have to do this in order to heal, but easier said than done.<BR>

Dear Tormented,<P>I am sorry to have to welcome you here. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found this board. If you have to be in this situation then this is the place to be. There are many many wonderful people here you are very supportive and have some wonderful ideas.<P>Have you gotten a chance to read Harley's basic concept yet? If not please do so...he has some excelent ideas.<P>Did yall do a dna test? She only makes 250 a week and pays 150 in child care??? Shes not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is she. Or is she just that manipulative? It is probabaly the latter isnt it. Those people make me sick..ugh! <P>How are you holding up? Youll be in my prayers<P>Love<P>broken_wings

Dear Tormented,<P>Im sorry for the pain but this is a<BR>safe place to vent and receive comfort from others<BR>who have been where you are now.<P>Its been 10 mos since DDay for me too. And we have a<BR>2 yr old. We have only been married 21/2 yrs though.<P>I understand your frustration about being stuck in first<BR>gear when you imagine the op moving on as if nothing<BR>is wrong. But I think these op do not have the depth<BR>of compassion that we do and that makes it impossible<BR>for them to learn and grow. <P>I am sorry that the courts awarded her so much money.<BR>We havent dealt with that, yet. <P>Glad to hear your H is going to counseling with you.<BR>That means alot. I'll keep you in my prayers and<BR>send best wishes your way.<BR>Take Care, fluke

Dear tormented,<BR>welcome to the forum. and thank you for the information you gave me on my post. I did know all of that, but I too found out the hard way about it. <P>It sounds as if you have one child with your h, right? have you thought about suing for cs and spousal support for yourself in order to reduce the amount that the ow gets? If you are at all interested in that idea, let me know and I'll fill you in on what I am doing.<P>glad you found the forum. it is very very helpful just to be able to talk about this stuff with people who understand.<P>with love,<BR>cd

tormented,<BR>Sorry you have to be stuck in that 1st gear it seems to be part of what happens when dealing with this. With the help of all the wonderful people here we will see if we can get you unstuck. Dont worry about sounding bitter you have every right to be,this is the place to get that out of you.It dosent really sound like the ow has really moved on with her life just found another victim to try to rape into parenthood. This is something that has alot of stages of healing you have to go thru and unfortantly it seems to take a long time to get there. But when you do start getting there it is a wonderful feeling. May 5 it will be two yrs for us. The oc is 1 1/2 yrs old we have no contact and that is how it will remain she just recieves a weekly paycheck and thats all she will get from this family. 2 yrs my family has already been robbed of me and I will never let ow use her chid to rob anymore then she has already stolen. Sorry you have to be a victim of one of these things that find that using there crouch to extort money is a way to make a living. We so far are lucky in that sense ow mainly wanted my life she isnt being as greedy as some of the ow like you are dealing with. That is so far, in time she most likely will and with what I have learned here I am ready to deal with her she wont succeed. Together we all will make it. We win our familys will win the losers will lose. with love flowerseed<BR>

tormented,<BR>First, I'm so sorry for your pain.<P>It has taken me YEARS to get really better at not obsessing. Ten months just takes the edge off, I think, less so with all your court proceedings. For me, 3 years this summer and my life now is genuinely GOOD. I have too much else going on to worry so much about the XOW who my H clearly cares nothing for. Time helps, but doesn't make the memory painless. I still feel bitterness, etc. but I don't obsess much anymore. My situation is 'lucky' too, in that we are long distance from XOW/OC and my H has done everything I asked for: counseling, using the Harley concepts, no solo contact with XOW or OC (we send things together), expressing remorse, etc etc., and XOW quit harrassing us 1 year ago (Thank God!).<P>"Time" is a crummy answer, but I'm not sure what else to tell you. Healing from this isn't fast or easy. It's a deep wound! I hope you spend time focusing too on your marriage and family, because life to too short to give any more of it to these nasty women! I really regret the time I've wasted mourning this ugly thing. The good news is I think you are past the worst of it... from here out it should only get better

[QUOTE]Originally posted by cdcollins:<BR>[B]Dear tormented,<P><BR>It sounds as if you have one child with your h, right? have you thought about suing for cs and spousal support for yourself in order to reduce the amount that the ow gets? If you are at all interested in that idea, let me know and I'll fill you in on what I am doing.<P>I have given thought and I am definitely interested in ways of reducing her amount of cs. I don't know how to go about.

Dear tormented,<BR>First and foremost, you have to sit down with your husband and make certain that he understands that you filing for cs doesn't reflect at all on your marriage or your love for him. My h had a difficult time with this idea at first because he still has somee fear that I will eventually get tired of all the ow/oc complications and leave him. I had to reassure him over and over that this is not the case. Once you both have agreed to a fake separation, here is what you have to do...<P>1. establish separate addresses. for me, this was relatively easy because we live in a great big old house that actually used to be divided into different apartments. As such, we just said that we redivided the house and that h lives in one part and i live in another with the children. If you don't have such a convenient solution, perhaps you have a friend or family member who wouldn't mind you using their home address and who would be willing to say that your spouse is "living" there.<P>2. go to your local domestic relations office and file for child support and spousal support. In order to get spousal support, you sometimes have to make it clear that your h is the one who "left" the marital home, so keep that in mind if they ask why you are "separating". dont just say that you kicked him out or anything like that.<P>3. When you go to the cs hearing, have on hand as many outrageous expenses as possible for consideration. for example, if you pay for daycare, make sure that amount is as high as you can possibly make it for figuring purposes.<BR>If there are any medical expenses that you pay for your child/children (like glasses, braces, etc.) make sure you have a high estimate of those costs on hand. The point hee is to make your order as high as possible. The more you are able to get, the more ow's claim will have to be reduced in order to compensate. All cs and spousal support orders cannot total more than 55% of your h's net pay. I am collecting about 53% of my h's net myself, so you can see how they are going to have to seriously reduce ow's take!<P>Note: do not allow the cs officials to subtract ow's oder from your h's net pay. Insist that your order superceds hers, and therefore you are entitled to the first cut. I had to really push this point during our cs hearing.<P>4. After your cs and spousal support is in place, your h will need to file for modification of the ow's order. It takes some time for the modification hearing to take place, but the order will be retroactive to the date he filed for the reduction.<P>Anyway, that's all I know so far. If I think up any more tips, I will let you know. We have the cs/spousal order for me in place, but h hasn't had the modification hearing yet. It will take place at the beginning of next month.<P>cd

Thanks for the tips CD. Gosh I hope I dont need them. Cross your fingers for me everyone. I havent heard from ow since Thursday. I hope she has decided to crawl back under her rock. Then I realized maybe she went somewhere for Easter weekend. I really hope she is gone. I figure I will give her until Fri. Basically a week and then I will take my sigh of relief.<P>Love<P>bw

tormented. sorry to welcome you late. this is such a hard position to be in. the OW's generally seem to be able to move on as if they have done nothing wrong. some do come to their senses and see the wrong in what they did. but many don't. the OW in my case could care less what she almost did to our family. she has no remorse. one big reason i could never be involved with her or OC. my H is remorseful for his part in it and has proved it to me a million times. <P>this forum is a good place for info. sometimes it gets slow and people like the lurking woman etc come in to try to get us riled up leaving some legit people in need of help out alone with no response. when things are normal though it is a helpful place with some of the best people you will ever meet.<P>take care. your feelings right now are normal. you are just in the beginnings of recovery. it seems like you are doing good so far.<P>happy_girl

tormented,<BR>I posted better healing tips on ISB's post 'what do you think of this'.<P>best wishes,<BR>J

Jenny, I love your tips, just wish they work for us. I agree I need to get over obsessing over situation, because it does rob me of my life now with kids. They and me deserve better. H has easier time doing this-if he is with kids, and me, he can act as if nothing happened. It is not so easy for me, my thoughts rob me of the time we are together. But I agree we need to move on, just paying 1100 a month burns me no end, makes that difficult. My 25 anniversary is in 2 months, I hope I feel happy instead of dismayed that day.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited September 14, 2001).]