My husband and I have been married for just over a year. When we first started dating- I knew we had different levels of experience- he had only one other serious relationship- I'd had many others. This has continually been an argument in our relationship. He accuses me of sleeping with every person on the face of the earth- even a priest friend of mine. He has met several people I had sexual relationships with in the past- but cannot get over the fact that these are exactly that, my PAST. We have the same fight, over and over. Because I had certain involvements with some female friends of mine- he feels threatened when I talk with them, and accuses me of sleeping with them too- whenever we hang out. He doesn't want me to talk to them- or anyone- for that matter- about our relationship. I am not sure what to do. Sometimes he says he wants to make this work- other times he says he just wants a divorce. I want to make him happy- but it's rather hard when he's too busy calling me a whor or a slut. How do I make him understand that what's in my PAST- is in my PAST, that I would NEVER cheat on him and that I want him to love me- and I want to love him without resentment. Oh- that's the other part I forgot- he tells me I must be all used up- wore out- from all the sex I had before we dated- because I never want to have it with him. I just feel unloved- and talked down to- and just dirty about myself- that I never want to.
Help!

Hi Ani,

It sounds to me he is very controlling, in a bad way.
I would just say "I don't like it when you call me a slut and a whore, it hurts me."

Keep reassuring him that you love him, and would do nothing to cheat on him.

Ask him "why did he marry you if he has such problems with your past." And let him know that at least your past isn't your present so stop acting like it is.

I see he is getting very verbally abusive and that is a big caution sign!!!!

Is he willing to work on the marriage?
1. And if he is willing, that one thing that is
most important to your marriage is that you don't want him to bring up another relationship of your past in conversations. That you only want the conversations to be of you two. And then see if he will agree to that.

2. That he will never call you another condensending name again.

3. Let him know that you both will get out
of the marriage what you put into the marriage.
If it's abuse, it will be destructive, if love,
understanding, honesty, and respect, then great things will happen.

4. I know there are a lot of articles here at
marriage builders that will help too.

I hope this helps, and
God bless you.
Will be praying for you.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hello Ani79:

I think that your husband has some insecurity issues with you, especially when you involve yourself with your ex-lovers. I&#8217;m a guy, and if you were my wife, I would have issues with you hanging-out with people you used to have sex with. It might not be rational, but it is just the way I would be. You may have been a bit promiscuous in the past, and your husband is just going to have to swallow that. It is a bitter pill, but it would go down a lot easier if he didn&#8217;t have present reminders of the past, i.e. your continued contact with these past lovers.

When you two are intimate, tell him that he is the best lover you have ever had, he has the biggest organ, (lie if you have to), try to make him feel secure in his sexuality. Make him aware that you chose him (after some heavy sampling) above all the rest and you did it because . . . (you feel in the blank).

Again, I think he feels insecure or inadequate; he may feel that you are comparing him to you other lovers, don&#8217;t ever to that, at least not verbally.

Don't feel dirty or bad about youself. We all carry baggage from the past. Focus on who you are now, that is all that we can control anyway.

Thank you all for your comments. I have tried to talk with him about calling me names- he says a few things about that, but most often- He calls them as he sees them.
It would be hard not to hang around with the friends that he has problems with. Although I may have had instances in the past with them- it would never happen again. Now, all I really need is their friendship.
We have a child together- and it would be very difficult to be apart. I just worry sometimes about what types of things he would tell our daughter when she grows up and if she has more than one partner.
He also threatens that he would get sole custody if we were to seperate.
I want to make things work with him. He used to be a really fun guy- sometimes he still can be, but he tells me I killed that part of him.
What can I do to get that back?
I am trying to make deposits into his Love bank...

Ladysheep,
Thanks for your comments. Last night after reading the stuff on Honesty, I told my husband that I had lunch with one of the female friends I had been intimate with. He didn't like that much. I have asked him before why he married me. I think he felt pressured- we were pregnant...
Now my daughter is almost a year old- and I fear we'll never get this settled.
What do I do to make him forget about it, without losing my friends?
Ani

Hi Ani,

Wow, you have a difficult decision to make.

Did you have the intimate relationship before your marriage or after?

I do believe what you said, and H felt pressured due to baby coming.

I was thinking, if my husband was spending time with women (sex partners of the past, x-wife, etc...), I would definitely have a problem with that too. I wouldn't like it at all. I would feel very insecure. I do think that is the way your husband is feeling also.

Just think how you would feel if he was spending time alone with sex friends of the past.

I think you are going to have to decide if the friends are more important or your husband. Your husband really should come first. It would be so different if your friends weren't sex partners of the past, then he could accept them more.


Do you think he would agree to your friends coming around only with him there with you, and never you with them alone? Or do you think that is out of the question. I'm just thinking he might feel more secure if you don't go with them alone. You see, spending time with those old friends may bring up old feelings and that is what he is concerned about, and you should be concerned about too.

Do you have old feelings arise when you are with those friends (please be honest about this), and a regret feeling of getting married? If you are getting those feelings, then you are in a "danger zone." And it's causing your husband much anger, and resentment, but his anger is turning to verbal/emotional abuse, and that is a "danger zone" for you. I know you don't want to lose those friends, and it would hurt, but you have to look at what is important.

When I got married (2yrs ago), I have little time for friends, because of duties at home, and children too, but I make sure the company I keep is good company. "Bad company corrupts good habits." And I tell my children that too.

What about trying this...just a suggestion...don't contact those friends for about a month or two, and devote a lot of time to him, and see if his attitude towards you changes.

Try maybe to hang out with those he likes and you like?

Does he want to work on the marriage with you?
And do you want to work on it with him?

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Things have gotten SOOOO much worse. He took his wedding ring off- the 2nd time ever- the 2nd time this week. He said if I didn't call a lawyer- he would- but then kept pressuring me to do it. I told him I didn't want to- that I wanted to work things out. He said he doesn't want to- and that I disgust him. I really don't want to call a lawyer- but he has always said that if we were to divorce that he would fight me tooth and nail for our daughter. I'm afraid he'll take off with her. And, last night, while he was mentioning this again, he said that if I ever had his baby around my friends- he'd "****inmg hurt" me. I asked if it was a threat and he said yes. About 5 minutes later- he said I knew it WASN'T a threat. Sure as hell seemed like one.
Help! Do I call a lawyer or stick it out and see if he leaves me?

Hi Ani,

Oh no!! Yeah, don't make a rash decision yet about a lawyer. Give him time to cool down, and
see what he wants to do, it may take a few days.

Please don't take your child around those people for now. He obviously feels they are not good around your child. So be very careful about that.

And yes that was a threat. Is there somewhere you can go for a few days. Not to those friends house though, maybe a parent or someone. It seems his anger is totally out of control to say he would "hurt you." He could be on the verge.
Please keep you and your daughter safe in the meantime.

You have already expressed you don't want him to leave. I would just wait, and if he goes to a lawyer, then there is nothing you can do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ,
but just because he goes to a lawyer right now
doesn't mean anything. Everything is a long process, and may change.

His problem is "dangerous anger" right now.

-Ladysheep

Ani:

Be careful. His anger is getting out of control. He can be mad if that is what he chooses, but he doesn&#8217;t have the right to threaten you.

Do you have somewhere to go until thing settle down? Parents maybe? Do not go around your &#8220;friends&#8221; right now . . . no good will come of it. Protect yourself and your daughter.

I had lunch today with my Dad. I told him what was going on. I also called a divorce lawyer- not because I want a divorce- I just want to have a plan, just in case.
It's really hard. I just started a job- and these people don't know me- nor why I would break into tears just sitting at my desk.
I want to go to my Dad's tonight with my daughter- but I'm afraid of what my H might do/say after he figures out that I must have talked to my dad about what was going on. He never wants me to talk to anyone about what's happening in our marriage. I just need to figure out what I should be doing with myself and my daughter without feeling like I have to lie about what I've done during the day- which is only to ponder the thought that he may, in fact, leave me.

Ladysheep,
I took what you said to heart about not letting him call me those names. I approached the subject last night, to which he replied "once a slut- always a slut."
I just don't know what else to say to get him to stop thinking that way...

Hi Ani,

I think it's important that you do tell others,
such as dad. Your husband is trying now to
keep you "hush hush" that is not good. When
he gets abusive I think it's important that
others know. Your husband is being very
controlling by telling you to talk to anybody!!! Being his "threat" that was made,
I think that is grounds to tell someone.

I think it would be best for you to stay at
your dad's if it is possible. Did your dad
say it is o.k. to stay there? I'm just concerned because your husbands anger is
totally out of control, and it could put you
and your daughter in danger. Don't be afraid
of him, by your telling your dad. It was the
right thing to do. And now that your dad is
aware of it, he can watch and be aware of your
safety also.

I'm sorry, he reacted in a terrible way to you after you asked him last night to not call you names. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

I feel kind of awkward now that I said all this here and mentioned it to others.
He called me and asked if I had checked my email. It was a message from him saying he was sorry and we would try counseling- but it was my decision- and if I wanted a divorce...
Argh!

Hi Ani,

I think thats great that he said he "is sorry."

And I think it's great that he asked about going to counseling. Make sure you both stick to that!!
Through a "joint agreement."

Don't ever be embarrassed, that you came here to
express your feelings and what is going on.

It's better than stuffing, and not saying anything. Because that could make matters
worse.

The counseling will help your marriage, and
teach him how to express his feelings before
they get to the point of anger like that.

I'm really happy for you and think this is a
step in the right direction for you both.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Ladysheep,
WEll- I called a few counselors today- I never imagined it would be that expensive!
But- I also talked to my best friend- who my H doesn't really want me talking to. I told her I wasn't sure when I'd be able to call her back... she knew what I meant. And, she was really hurt. I think she feels like I am choosing her over him. I don't mean to do that- and I have been friends with her since kindergarten. I just don't know what I am supposed to do here!