After much input from friends, therapists, family etc., it appears that the most popular answer to the question "when should we tell our daughter that I am not her real father?" is "when she is mature enough to handle the news," which implies "not now," and she is already 10 years old. <P>I believe that my daughter will feel increasingly hurt the longer we wait. I think we should have told her from the beginning, but I just found out recently myself, and now that W and I are BOTH concealing the truth, it is an intense emotional burden. <P>I have listened to many well-meaning advisors who insist that biology is not important, and that she never needs to know. However, clearly, biology is not important to those who are not in my position, so I can't imagine never telling her. I think she has a right to know, just like I had a right to know. <P>Anyone have any thoughts?<P>

Dear Mrs. Job,<P>Thanks to you and to all others. Of course I consider myself her father. I have always been there, including when she was born. The unfortunate truth about it, however, is that I only recently found out that she was conceived by someone else. While I love her as she is (my daughter) I am also very concerned about her future self-image and well-being. She has a right to know about herself, and she will most certainly want to know about her real father, which she has a right to as well. And we have two other children who have just as much right to know the truth as everyone else. <P>And I think it is also very important to know what to say and how to say it, if we decide it is the correct time. Although my spouse contends to me, for quite predictable reasons, that she "did not love" the OM, I believe she would tell our daughter the exact opposite if she asks, thinking that this would be the least hurtful answer. It is this kind of complexity that makes me feel that we are not ready to tell anyone about this, much less our daughter, and it further frustrates me that we seem to be less and less able to discuss our situation meaningfully now that we are past the "shock of discovery." Therapy has laid out several important issues and goals, but it is largely up to us to develop understandings that will allow us to move past this.<P>Again, thanks for your responses...