I have read many of the posts regarding the OW/OC. I can respect and understand where some of the BW are coming from. However, it is not the fault of the child their parents decided to lay in bed togehter. The are just the product of it. Sadly, many of these children will grow up feeling not wanted unless the parent(s) force the issue of "I made a mistake, you were not". I have a daughter from an A. The OM is married and so am I. I am in conflict daily on what the right thing to do is. Yes, I am letting my H raise her, he believes she is, but he is not her father. The OM has stated that he does not think he is the father, my H is. I agree half-heartedly. I am letting him raise her, when the time comes that he finds out the truth, only then will he become her father, if he choses too. For now, the OM is her father. I have also read mant posts that state the OW is only in it for money. I have personally never stated that I wanted money. She is my child, I will take care of her, but when the time comes that my H finds out, I will seriously think about child support. Not b/c I want the money, but it will give my daughter a secure financial future, money for college, etc. I care nothing of the money, it is my daughters feelings I am thinking about. I know the day will come when I will have to tell her the truth. I will be the one to explain how she arrived on this earth and why her "father" didn't want to know her. If the OM wanted to be a part of her life then I would not keep her from him. He has a right to know his child. I also realize that the marriage is important and so are the children in that marriage. They should not be over looked, but a child is still on this earth, w/ or w/o the marriage. A human being with emotions. We are the only creatures on this planet capable of expressing ourselfs, we are the only creature intelligent enough to know and realize that our actions can change others lives. Please remember this when you see the OC. They did not ask to be here, but they were (most of them, mine was) loved enough to be given the chance to live and not end up in the trash like garbage. A child is not garbage to be dismissed, regardless of how they ended up here. I am sick to think that there are people out there that are so quick to say to hell with those children. Their parents made a bad choice. I will not apologize for my daughters birth. I will say I am sorry to all I have hurt. I will forever ask for my child's forgiveness for bringing her in to this situation, but I will NOT regret her. BW's, your H made a mistake, it has affected your life, but remember if you choose to stay in the marriage, you will have to deal with it. That's your choice.

Regretfully Yours,<BR>Really someone that is keeping something like this from her h! I think you better worry about the dirty sheets on your bed.

there is one thing I would like to know, well maybe a couple, why do you want om to take resposibility for a child he does not believe is his and doesn't want, when your H is raising that child as his own, Why do you want you H to find out, do you want to spread more pain, sorry but I do not understand your point here, maybe you should clarify it because what I get is: om wants nothing to do with child, H is raising child as his own, H thinks child is his own, you do not want money until H finds out c is not his own, I think that you really do need to think about your child because if you carry on like this letting her think your H is her father then ? years down the road telling her that he is not that some other man is then you are letting yourself and your whole family in for alot more pain then they need or desrerve, stop thinking of yourself and really think about your cild for a change

I think that you need to read the Harley's philosophies, especially the ones pertaining to total honesty between h and w, and the policy of joint agreement.

what is the the harleys?

<BR>Regretfully Yours,<P>You are a living example of why the "assumed paternity" laws should be repealed. Your husband has no idea that you are commiting an act of fraud - namely, mispaternity - and by the time he finds out he will have no escape from the extortionary "child support" laws and their brutal enforcement.<P>I'm going to be very blunt here. You are stealing your H's right to informed consent to remain in a relationship with you. He has a right to know whose child it is, and if he doesn't want to stay with you, he should bear no financial obligation for the child whatsoever.<P>Bystander<BR>

Dear fizzpop,<BR>the harleys are the peoply who set up the marriage builders' website. Their concepts on marriage are fascinating. Check them out by clicking on the concepts link at the top of the main page.<BR>cd

Regretfully Yours,<P>Written like a woman still deeply in love with the OM and having absolutely no concern for what she has already done to her H or will do to her H. Which will deeply affect your child, when her "father" your H, is absolutely devastated and leaves the family. Nice, real nice.<P>You are very confused on what constitutes providing for your child.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

<BR>JL,<P>Her behavior could be explained if her H's income is substantially higher than the OM's. She waits until the H's period to rebut assumed paternity has lapsed, breaks the news, and then waits for him to leave in disgust. The exH gets nailed to the income shares cross, forks over 25% of his net pay for 20+ years, and she then shacks up with the lower-earning OM, refuses to marry him, and reaps the benefits of claiming head of household status plus the $500 child credit. This is aptly dubbed "income shares shopping." I know of cases where such things have happened.<P>Bystander

Bystander,<P>I know what you mean. Gives the term "the right to choose" a whole new meaning doesn't it?? It is enough to strongly suggest that DNA testing be done on all children. Then the innocent parties in this type of mess would not be so completely blindsided. I know I know, NOW doesn't want it. <P>Oh Well! wish there were something to be done about it.<P>Good talking with you again.<P>JL

Regretfully Yours,<P>I just have to say how disgusted I was when I read your post! And before you start thinking that I am one of these amazing women who are dealing with the CS payments, I am not. I am sort of in your shoes, having just had a child from an affair. The major difference being my H knew for the whole pregnancy that the baby was not his. My H has accepted her as his own, and says that paternity doesn't matter, b/c he is her "daddy"! What has me so disgusted is that I gave my H the chance to choose. You, on the other hand, have basically tied your H's hands! As Bystander stated, by holding your tongue, b/c you don't know what the right thing to do is, you are basically revoking your H's right to choose to support this child as his own. As for the OM and his statement that he believes this child is your H's, well, you can always request to have the paternity test done with OM and your D. Your H wouldn't have to know, but I firmly believe that total honesty is the best policy in a marriage. My H and I have been practicing that since D-day, and it's amazing what happens to your marriage. If you truly love your H and he truly loves you, you can survive, and so can your marriage.<P>You made the statement that OM deserves to know his child. Well, if he doesn't want to claim this child as his, and your H does, would you still feel the same way? How old is your D? How much contact with OM do you still have? Why would you wait till OM claims her as his to "reveal" all to your H? Don't you think that would make it worse in your H's eyes? It sounds like you are still in your marriage for the financial support, regardless of what you said. If your H believes this child is his, don't you think that he will provide for her? And, if it is past that all mighty 2 years for the assumed paternity, he will have to provide for her either way! I don't think that you are being fair to your H or your D! You H deserves to be able to accept this child on his own, not be forced into it like these women on this board are forced to do. They don't have to accept the OC, but they sure do have to provide for it, whether they want to or not! That is what they are so bitter about. Not at the OC, but at the situation that their H's and OW forced them into. Yes, they have chosen to remain in their marriage, and thus are, in a way, forced to accept the child, but that does not require them to welcome the child into their families. Think of how your H is going to react when he finds out about your D.<P>I have never felt that these women, who just can't accept this child into their families, are condeming the children. No, they have stated that they have not feelings for the child, but never have they blamed the child for the situation that their H's and OW have placed them in. If these OW, usually they are single, would just think of the childs feelings, and either find a man who is more than willing to raise the child as their own, or find an infertle family who would give this child the love and support from a 2 parent household that it deserves, the child would not suffer! Yes, it is difficult to give a child up for adoption, but wouldn't that be better for the child? At least then the child would have 2 fulltime parents, instead of at part-time daddy and a huge "paycheck" for mommy each month.<P>Think about it before you decide to post that these amazing women on this board are condeming these children!<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited April 13, 2001).]

Regretfully yours,<P>Your name contradicts what you say. I don't know what you're regretting but it doesn't sound like you regret getting pregnant for a married man. Instead, you state that we (bs) should "accept" the husband's mistake and thereby accept the OC. You've got to be kidding! You sound confused. You should first learn a thing or two about honesty. you're living a big fat lie. You live with your husband, yet you haven't told him the child is no his. Sounds like you ought to clean your own house first before you go giving advise on how to clean others. Come back when you've been honest with your husband ... you may have something positive to contribute by then.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Talk about judgements. Quite funny how many (not all) on this board cried foul and didn't like when I posted my opinions about your behavior towards the OC. Many of you said I "judge" and shouldn't unless I have walked in your shoes. But when this lady posted about her experiences you all are the first to judge. Hyporcrites.

Lurking woman,<BR>did you happen to notice that tigger4jdt HAS walked in those shoes? I suggest you reread her reply.<BR>cd

Regretfully and Lurking Woman,<BR>I remind you that this site is called MARRIAGE BUILDERS! The main focus is healthier relationships, not the children. Lying to your spouse goes against any recommendation for a healthy marriage. I hope and pray that Regretful looks up these policies here and clean up her marriage. One of those recommendations is the Policy of Joint Agreement, in which both partners must agree on important issues like (how to handle) the OC. <BR>

Regretfully:<BR>Can you say "in the fog"? I guess it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the long run as long as your child gets money for college from someone? Bad Bad Bad.<P>I'll pray for your husband daily. You are truly way off base.<P>Lurking Woman:<BR>Please visit the TOW board. Your posts are very hurtful to the wonderful folks here who are rebuilding their MARRIAGES. Obviously you can't understand that. <P>

It truly is amazing the knids of people that have an opinion under the "cover" of the Internet. I am aware of the Joint Policy Agreement and I am in the process of making my H aware of the situation. I am not In this for money. I have had a DNA test done, which I paid for. OM offered, I couldn't see having him paying for the fear he may try to screw up the results. I should have made myself more clear in the CS issue, if my H doesn't want to raise my D, then I will go after OM for CS. If H chooses to raise her then OM is out of the picture. I won't apologize for upsetting so many of you. It is a sad situation, but HONESTLY, if your marriages were SO PERFECT IN THE FIRST PLACE your H/W would not have cheated. I admitted I was wrong, but I got a beautiful little girl out of it. You think I am going to let the OM get away w/ getting me P to protect his family, I think not. Tell your H to keep their dicks where they are suppose to be, in you.

You are just about the most selfish ignorant person that I have ever come across. But that just seems to be the case when someone makes a huge mistake and just can not seem to produce enough guts to admit that they were wrong. Instead they throw around enough blame to try to cover for themselves.<P>Well, guess what sister...we arent buying it.<P> That coment you made about not letting OM "get away" with getting you PG....give me a break. Like that was his ultimate evil plan. I am sure he has the cackling laugh going in the background, doesnt he. Oh wait! I think I can even hear it. You are so full of self-righteousness. You say you are trying to get your H to understand POJA. Really? When will you understand it? It is not about how honest you are to OP, but to your H. When do you plan on telling him? When hell freezes over?<P>Tell you what, why dont you go away. Come back once you have decided to accept your own sins. I pray for you and your family. You all are definately going to need it.<P>broken_wings<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited April 15, 2001).]

To the comment that I should visit the TOW board. Why? Because I disagree with you all on how to handle the situation of a cheating spouse who creates an innocent child? Well If any of you thourally read my post, I was a spouse whose husband cheated on me many times. Who also was pressed with a possible pregnancy from another woman. I am not the OW, so why should I go visit a board for them, just because I dissagree with the rest of you. You all keep saying I should respect your positions and not judge you, but why don't you guys quit judging me and respect that I have a different opinion than you.

Regretfully Yours,<BR>You posted ****Tell your H to keep their dicks where they are suppose to be, in you.***<BR>By the same way of thinking, if irresponsible SLU*TS wouldn't be so quick to spread their legs and would take a little more responsiblity for their bodies maybe we wouldn't all be in this situation.<BR>