Regretfully,<P>What kind of a process are you using to inform your H? How long do you expect this process to take? Now just for general interest are you also going to undertake a process to save your marriage? Or do you really care? <P>Quite frankly from the tone of your posts it is very difficult to determine if you desire to continue your marriage to your H, or this whole situation is going to be a simple "take it or leave it" offer to him. Do you have any idea what you are going to be doing to him?<P>If you do have an idea, do you have a plan to rebuild your marriage? Do you care? If you do and would like to rebuild your marriage, the I would strongly recommend you become very familiar with the materials her, specifically issues such as His Needs Her Needs, and perhaps the book "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. I would also suggest that you post in the General Questions section. If you H decides to give it a go, then perhaps post in the Recovery section.<P>People here will do their best to help, if you truely want to rebuild your marriage. As I said, from the tone of your posts it seems you are still in love with OM and are just using your H. If that is the case, then there is really little to be offered here to you. This is a marriage building site as you no doubt are aware.<P>I do hope you decide to rebuild, but I doubt you have any idea what it will take from you or you or your H.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lurking Woman,<P>I think you misunderstand the purpose of this site. Please permit me the opportunity to offer my opinion. This issue with your posts is not that people agree with you or not. This issue seems to be that you missed a very important aspect of this site hence the suggestion that you go to the TOW site.<P>The point you are missing is that this site isn't to determine who's point of view is correct, but to help other people deal with the awful tramas that you see posted here. Indeed some of the best, nicest, and most useful posters on this thread and throughout this site have been the OM, OW, or better known as wayward spouses, WS. They come to seek insight in how to help their spouse, and they often provide very important insight to the other side of infidelity.<P>BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is that they come and they try to help. They don't try to educate (although, they often do just by their presence), they emphathize, they talk, they tell their stories, and they take advice, and finally they often ask for help. What I haven't seen in your posts is any of these attributes. Hence, you have gotten some very hostile responses by people who are struggling to deal with their marriages, the actions of their spouses, and the consequences of their spouses action, OC.<P>It isn't so much that people disagree with you. It is simply that your opinions and point of view seems to be of little use to those in the middle of it. You haven't taken the time to get to know many here, and therefore, your advice seems like a blunderbust being fired off indescriminately. I suspect if you can help those here in deep pain with your insights, they would greatly appreciate it. If you need help they will do their best. If you simply want to discuss things, then perhaps the discussion needs to be in the context of what these ladies and gentlemen are dealing with.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<BR>I am sorry to of offended many of you. I am lucky in the sense that it has been several years since my ex husband cheated on me and I am through most of the pain. I do understand the pain these women are going through. I really do.<P>I have always been an activist for children, and I guess that part of me tends to kick in frequently. It's just part of who I am. I revolve my life around children, and I suppose sometimes I need to see that some people aren't in a place emotionally to be that way. I know they are good people to, and I feel for all of the woman here. I guess I just wish they would focus their anger on the husband and other women. But I do understand.<BR>

LurkingWoman,<P>I would suggest that many of these women are very much activists for children. The sad but unfortunate truth is that many of these women have children, whose future had been greatly diminished by the presence of OW and OC. <P>It hurts to the core to see your child lose something that is rightfully theirs. Further, you heard from K in your POJA post. You may not realize this but this forum isn't just for women, there are a fair number of men who post here whose W's are pregnant or have born children conceived by OM. Some knew before the child was born some only found out years later. I doubt you can conceive of the blow to find out you are not the father of a child. I know I cannot.<P>So you are posting in an area where a significant amount of pain and betrayal exists. Interestingly, you are posting with people who are still trying to save their marriages as well. These are amazing people for most would simply leave their marriages. I think if you come to know them you will appreciate their strength. You must remember people come here to vent, rather than do it toward their spouse. So some of what you read is simply people venting in the frustration of trying to rebuild a marriage after the betrayal.<P>So don't judge too harshly, these are very special people.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Just Learning,<BR>Thank you for your response, and I understand these people are in great pain. I am sorry sometimes my opinionated personality is a little too strong. <P>Just a thought...you said "It hurts to the core to see your child lose something that is rightfully theirs". I agree that it hurts but isn't a mother and father rightfully the OC's? They didn't ask for the situation. Just a thought to think about.<P>Thanks and I will try to soften my opinions :-)

shoo fly dont bother me

Lurking Woman,<P>Well, if you knew these people better you would understand that the OC is often more than adequately protected by the law. Indeed, the families here are seeing there GROSS income reduced by as much as 25%-33% for one child, when there are more than that at home.<P>Further, in some cases the OW apparently intended to become pregnant. The situation is far more complicated than just a single child being born and needing love and attention. In almost all cases here the OC is being protected very nicely by the law, to the detriment of the husbands family. This situation apart from the betrayal, deceit, etc, is about other children losing. The sad but true fact is there are no winners here, just those trying to limit the extent of the loss.<P>You see what you seemed to have missed is that the normal response when finding out your spouse has fathered a child or your spouse is carrying another man's child is divorce. Biblically, it is one of the few acceptable reasons for divorce. If divorce follows from these situations as it normally does, then virtually ALL of the children lose. As you know they lose one of the two parents (one becomes a visitor), they lose financial support, and they lose the experience of living in a loving family.<P>The people you are posting to here, may come and vent in anger, but they are trying to withstand the pain and make the marriage work. Then at least some of the children have a chance at the loving, nuturing home, that you feel is so necessary for a child.<P>Frankly, LW people like you bother me a bit. Not because you heart isn't in the right place, but because in your focus on a very important issue you forget two things. One, that these situations involve real people and that there are collateral issues that are as important and can be damaging to any attempts to rectify it. <P>So please read here as I do and learn. I cannot tell you how much have learned, grown, had my beliefs challenged, and been educated. I truely hope you gain just half as much as I have.<P>God Bless,<P>JL