Dear lurking woman,<BR>You say that you support those of us who choose to seek legal advice to prevent greedy ow from getting an outrageous amount of cs. you also say that you feel that the children of the marriage are equal in importance to the oc. Since you have established these factors, I would like to hear your input as to how to resolve some problems.<P>First, some background: My h and I have 4 children. We have been married for around 9 years. My h is a mechanic working 50-60 hours per week. Ow is a convenience store clerk working 37 hours per week, and she is living in low-income housing, so her rent is pretty much taken care of. She also is living with a boyfriend who makes good money, but she won't marry him because if she does, she loses her housing benefits.<P>Ow is entitled by law to roughly 25% of my husband's net pay. In addition to that set amount, she is also entitled to daycare expenses for oc. I should note that she brags about the fact that she chose the most expensive daycare she could find because she knew my h would have to pay for it. All said, her current "take" is around 40% of my h's net pay. That doesn't leave enough for utility bills, house payments, and food, much less legal expenses. So, in order to even "seek" legal advice, indeed, in order to even SURVIVE, we need to have more money coming in... but herein lie the dilemnas:<P>1. H is already working 50-60 hours per week. you suggest that the h get a second or even a third job to make up for child support payments. there are two problems with us going this route:<BR> a. If h makes any more money than what he is making right now, ow will take him back to court to get an increase in the amount she is due. Any profits will be eaten up by the additional support amount, not to mention the additional expenses a second job would entail (automobile upkeep, gas, etc.) all said, the costs of having a second job far exceed what the second job could possibly pay.<BR> b. As h is already working 60 hours, he has very limited time to spend with me and our children. Another job or two would mean that he would not be able to spend any quality time with them or me at all. And what about time with the oc? There simply aren't enough hours in a day.<P>2. I could go back to work. however, daycare costs for my children would surpass what I could reasonably make. Even at the top teacher's salary in this area, once childcare expenses are subtracted, I would be bringing home roughly $1.00 per hour for my work. That is about 40 bucks a week. And that is not even figuring in the clothing xpenses, gas costs, etc. And that is if I got the cheapest, most questionable daycare services. If I chose a quality daycare, I would pay out far more than I could bring in. Plus, my children will loose the security of having an at-home mother.<P>3. The ow will not allow us to have ANY contact with oc, so we are in the process of taking her to court for visitation/custody rights. Legal services is paying her end of it, but will not pay ours, because h makes too much money. They calculate gross pay and do not take into consideration what he has to pay out for cs. So in addition to scratching for food, clothing, and shelter money, in order for us to even be able to provide oc with emotional support, we have to figure out a way to come up with more money to pay the lawyer.<P>We are currently living hand-to-mouth, and falling behind really fast. At the moment, we have enough food for another three days or so. How we will eat when that runs out, I don't really know. How we will keep our utility bills before they are shut off, I don't really know. I am hoping that my oldest son's shoes last until his birthday, when my mother will probably get him new ones. <P>Meanwhile, ow works the minimum amount of hours required to keep her housing subsidy. She makes no effort to imporve her circumstances because with her paycheck and my h's cs check, she makes close to what I used to make teaching full-time in the public schools. her entire life is subsidized by our family money. She is basically stealing food out of my children's mouths and using it to buy brand name clothes for her live in lover.<P>Anyway, you seem to think you have all the answers as to how this stuff should work out fairly. So I am assuming you will be able to provide me with the answers I need. How can we bring in more money in order to seek the legal advice you support us in getting? how do I explain to my children when they meet oc about why she has great clothes and toys and stuff, when I can't buy them a toy from the dollar store or even give my oldest son money to buy a popsicle at school? How do I make my lawyer understand that he should be representing us just because we need the help? How do I prevent my children from suffering due to the choices of the ow? How do we go about giving the oc emotional support when we aren't even able to have contact with her? How is any of this fair to any of the children?<P>You seem to think that all of this should be easy to work out. So tell me how to do it. I eagely await your response.<P>Oh, and by the way, I also need you to explain to me how I can stop from feeling bitter towards ow and oc when my son comes home crying because other kids at school have made fun of his thrift store winter coat and his scanty brown-bag lunches. Explain to me how I shouldn't resent oc when my children are eating just scrambled eggs for dinner five nights in a row. I need you to explain to me how by choosing to stay with my husband and provide my children with a stable two-parent home, I essentially made the choice to accept all of this. Explain to me why you are so concerned about the spiritual and physical welfare of the oc, when mine are suffering. Remind me of why I should feel sorry for oc. Explain for me why having one child to my h entitles ow to a substantial paycheck for eighteen years. Explain why being married and having four children entitles me to nothing unless I leave my h. I need some answers, lurking woman.<P>If you are going to judge me for feeling resentful, I need you to explain exactly why, now that you know my story. <P>cdcollins

I said to please stop feeling bitter towards the OC, it is not their fault. Feel as bitter as your heart desires towards the OW. She deserves that. <P>Regarding the legal advice, all I can say there is do a lot of research on the net, and have your husband contact an organizations called POPS. They will provide a lot of support and help with both the child support and visitation. It is worth a shot. <P>Regarding the subsidized housing. It is illegal for her to have a live in lover there. Report it. And keep reporting it till you get someone that listens. Utilize everything in your power. If she is making your life hard, do the same back. <P>And I know it's not easy, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I just wish the anger on this board was focused more at the adults. I have not problems or issues with a BW being furious at an OW. Focus your fight on her, make her suffer like she has made you suffer.<P>PS...I work in the tax preparation field....so here is a little advice...Make sure that you have it in the support order that you and your husband can claim the child atleast every other year and also every year you can claim the child care deduction.<P>I wish you luck. <BR>

LW,<P>I have been here for quite some time and I do not recall ever reading anyone condeming the oc. What the problem is what we are expected to do about it. The oc is there and we can do nothing about that. I wish all children well and would never be damning towards even oc. However, what about CD's story? Is she supposed to welcome ow and oc? Well, being that she cant welcome oc because ow will not allow that. If the ow would take her life for what she made it instead of trying to make everyone else miserable because she is, then you would not see all these negative posts. But the fact is the majority will not do that. This is a problem that we face EVERY SINGLE DAY OF OUR LIVES. Can you even imagine the pain? I have seen you say that you understand...you understand what? All I have seen you do is argue with people about what they FEEL. You can not make someone feel a certain way. As a matter of fact, I respect your position. It would have probably been the way I would have thought prior to being in these shoes. But I would never condemn someone for feeling the way that they do. All I am trying to say to you is step back and look around. We are just as human as oc is. So is my daughter. And everyone else that is involved. Why should I throw away my concern for my daughter bc of someone else's responsibility? You have said that bc we forgave our H for the affair we should therefore accept oc. Why is that? Why isnt it that ow should accept the fact that H was and is married and accept that? It is no wonder our country has gone to hell in a handbasket.. We have all just tossed our morals and family values out the window and said to hell with it. And then other people want to come screaming "what about the children". What about them. My concern is my children. The ones I chose. Ow's concern is hers. The ones she chose. My H's concern is also the children he chose to have. When did his right to choose become null and void? Ow had the right. Where did his go?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited April 15, 2001).]

CD...you have become the voice of us wives with that one!! You said everything that I have been feeling! As for me and the OC...if this child is determined to be my husband's, I will not be a nurturing force in his life. I realize it is not the oc's fault...but I also have the choice to accept or not accept him into MY life! My children will have to suffer financially as a result of this as well, while the OW makes 3/4 what my husband does, and is looking at increasing her income by HALF with cs! NOT FAIR! I did't ask for this hell but I shouldn't be punished...and my children shouldn't be punished for my decision to keep my family together! NO ONE IS LOOKING OUT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HURT! NO ONE IS LOOKING OUT FOR THE WIVES AND CHILDREN WHO ARE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT! For this, I am bitter and angry...and I will not accept this OW or this OC as a part of my life!