What is a Policy of Joint Agreement? Many of you keep saying that you and your husbands are following those or that they should be followed. In one of the recent posts it was stated <P>"One of those recommendations is the Policy of Joint Agreement, in which both partners must agree on important issues like (how to handle) the OC."<P>However what I am seeing is the wives threatening either do it my way or get out. I think most of you need to go back and read what exactly a Policy of Joint Agreement is. Threats and blackmail to keep your spouse from seeing the other child will on make the other spouse ultimately bitter and will backfire, months or years down the road. I suspect that many of your husband are telling you what you want to hear, under durress. They may be afraid you will leave if they express their true desires or that you will keep their children (from the marriage) away from them. To me decisions made that way are not joint. <P>Please when you all read this don't get mad, i am just trying to bring up a point for you all to think about. I understand the BW position, however I think that the best way to get a spouse to be loyal and to build a relationship is openess and willingness to discuss all the options and work through stages and not be defensive when you get answers you may not want to hear.<P><BR>

Lurking Woman:<P>Although it's unclear to me why you are here, the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A> is under the concepts section of the website---and I'm not sure you have a full grasp on it either. If you're truly interested in learning MarriageBuilder's concepts, I'd strongly urge you to "lurk" through the concepts and Q&A sites thoroughly, before you participate on the forum (good advice for anyone here). This way you'll understand the MarriageBuilder's philosophy before diving in.<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement states that whenever ANY action will be taken by a spouse in a marriage, it should be done with a mutually enthusiastic agreement in place between the two spouses. This eliminates the "active" resentment caused by thoughtless behavior---which Harley has found to be much more damaging to a marriage than "passive" resentment (The "I can't do this because my spouse doesn't agree" resentment).<P>So, even in a case like an OC, the decision should be made jointly. If either spouse isn't enthusiastic about the solution, then the spouses should seek to further brainstorm and negotiate. If a real "win-win" solution can't be found, then the "activity" shouldn't be done. You're correct in that both spouses should be willing to discuss this in an honest, open, and non-defensive way---but if the betrayed spouse simply can't agree to let the OC into the wayward spouses life---then FOR THE SAKE OF THE MARRIAGE, that should be that (subject to revisiting the issue at a later date).<P>Frankly, when one person has an affair that results from a pregnancy, it's hard to come up with "win-win" solutions for everyone involved. Because this is a MarriageBuilder's site, the advice will usually be to increase the strength of the marriage.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>However what I am seeing is the wives threatening either do it my way or get out.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What you're seeing are a lot of people undergoing the worse trauma of their lives, and relatively early into it. And you don't seem to be doing much of a service here by throwing salt into the wound. There are couples who can lovingly accept an OC. There are also women (and men) who simply cannot. One thing is pretty sure---no one is capable of making these decisions shortly after discovery, and before healing is taken place. If you want to help, portion out advice that helps these people heal from the betrayal.

The policy of joint agreement must be followed for healing to take place.When we received a card from OW to my husband around Easter, we jointly decided not to open it, return it unopened. It made me feel tremendously more powerful and united with my H than I have felt in 2 months since discovery.Finally, the OW was not doing something just with my H and without my knowledge, and my H was putting us first and our marriage first, not needs of OW or OC. I am one of the women who cannot accept OC in life-not now, doubt ever. I do not feel guilty about that, because the creation of the OC was done by two people who did not include me in their decision to have child.Further , the OW made decision to have child and took the decision not to have child away from husband,even though he wanted her to get an abortion or give child up for adoption.Because she always wanted kids, had none of own, was in late 30's and biological clock was ticking, she said she would have child on her own. My H tried to tell her that would be difficult as single parent, etc. but she didn't listen.Then, 6 months after birth, she said she couldn't do it alone, sought CS and paternity testing.Now who is selfish here? She has pained me to no end, pained my H who she supposedly cared about, may have destroyed our family, destroyed the security of my kids' lives, and made life difficult for her child herself. I believe in PJA, and even if husband is only passively agreeing to no contact to keep our life , that is better than actively doing something against what we both need. Enough said.

I thought it was great you jointly sent back the card. I think it was a great way for you to unite in your marriage. And that is what that policy was meant for, I believe.<P>My only concern is when I hear some of the wives on here talk about how they wanted it one way or get out. That is what I don't feel follows the policy. But I do understand the position their in, and how they are going through a traumatic time.

Lurking woman, How about the ow who says to my h he can only see the child if he wants her? She has used the oc, blackmailed my h and is now still after close to 6 years, not allowing the visitation that is court ordered. I do not bring up our personal issues with the ow to you in our defense only to let see that sometimes after years of trouble, and heartache from the ow, while she is, enjoyingbenefits, enforced by law, cs check, one can become bitter. I am here on this forum to heal and to Build my Marriage, that is why this site is called Marriage Builders, as K has already mentioned we can see why you are here. I have gotten into it with others who have come here to bring these wonderful people down.Our best defense is to ignore you like the others who as K has already said are trying to rub salt in our wounds. You are not recovering from an affair in your marriage, are you even married to have a marriage to build. You have no reason to be here, I have gotten so much support, comfort and great advise from the wonderful people here, your advise is unhelpful and unwanted. As K has stated many of the people here have opened their lives and homes up to the oc, we are in a fight for two years to do so and the expense is too much now. We have spent close to 2,000.00, and all we have gotten was to met the oc and a short term visitation order. So am I a horrible person to tell my h that is enough I have to put my foot down, no more lawyer fees do it on your own or do not see him. I want my children to meet their half brother but I also want to feed them and have a roof over their head. We were two days away from foreclosure, because of this ow/oc last month so do not tell me if I should or should not have any bitterness towards either one. My h and I are working out our problems and are verymuch in love. We are rebuilding our marriage that is why I am here. Not to read your hurtful and critical comments. My h is taking his responsibilites and even going as far as he can to have a relationship with the oc, but he is constantly coming up to walls. There are no right or wrong answers, and everyone needs to deal with their situation individually. Do not come here and tell anyone how they should feel or act or what they should do or say. I get that from many in my life I do not need to come here to a place where I have found comfort, warmth, courage, and advise, to feel as if I or any of my friends here are being judged. It is so easy to judge others and to say how they should act, when you are really not in their shoes. Gabi1116

If the other woman is trying to blackmail your husband into only being able to see the child if he is with her than that is sad. I can only suggest fighting through the courts for the visitation and insisting on third person pick up and drop off, my sister and her ex husband have done this and it tends to work well. Best of luck to you.

see ya

Lurking woman, My intent in telling you my recent trouble with the ow was not to get your silly half baked advise. If you would have read my post fully you would have seen that we have been in courts for close to two years. Read what I wrote again if you need to see the purpose what the purpose of my last post to you was. It was to tell all my great friends here to ignore you and it was to tell you to go away. You are of no help and unwanted. Bye

This may come of as mean but I am going to say it anyway...I think the majority of you will live in a world filled with hate and lies. You all treat anyone that holds different opinions on situations horribly. You judge and are critical and then whine that we are critical of you. This may be mean but maybe your husbands went to another woman to look for someone who was a little more HUMANE and LOVING. And he is probably still going there and just lying to you because there is no way he could communicate honestly with you, since you BW's are so bitter and hateful.

LW for your information, my h is not going there now and only went there one time and he was drunk, I have tried many times to explain to you my real life situation and how my h and I have been trying to make things right in our family, you ignore my real life comments and try to give silly advise which is of no use to me and which I think is in a fantasy land you have created. Go live in that land and get out of ours.. I am not mean or hateful and I really have not read anything here recently that is mean or hateful directed at anyone but you. I do not hate the oc I have posted that many times go on a search and find all my posts on how innocent I think all the children are in the situations. But I do not try and shove my thoughts down the throats of others here who do not choose to accept the oc, everyone has their right to chose. It is the adult , the ow in my case who is hateful and guilty, but I feel sorry for her and I do for you. I am hateful only to hateful people and you are just that so as I have said many times I do not want or need you silly, shi##y advise go away. Gabi1116

LW, I also doubt very much that any of the BS mates on this board are going to the op at the present time. We are here to rebuild or marriages and if the spouses did not want to also do so we would not be at a site called marriage builders. So why are here LW you do not have a marriage to rebuild. And how can you say in other thresds as you have that you are not saying hurtful things. Just the suggestion that our spouses are running to the op now is a terrible horrible statement and you said it. Read you last post, then go very far anyway...I wish the moderator and adminstration would block you, that comment about the spouses of the BS running to the Op even now is the worst thing I have ever read as of now. I am very digusted by this statement and can not believe anyone who could claim that are not here to hurt would say that. You are here to hurt and you should be made to leave. GABI1116