Just Learning:<BR>I am in the process of going through C, I have tried on a number of occasions to get my H into MC, but he simply refuses. He beleives there is nothing wrong in our M. I also have to be very cafeful on when and how I tell him. He in the past before the A has told me that if I ever cheated he would kill me and the OP. My H has a terriable temper, we have a son together, I don't know how he would react. We FINALLY had a GOOD disscusion last night about different things. Besically it was around why I wasin C. He never takes me serious about how I feel. I told him last night, not about the A but about the time of the A. That I was having a difficult time in our M and at that point in my life, I did not care if we stayed together. He said he didn't know it was that bad. I said he did know, but choose not to see it, I had tried to talk to him about it at the time. So my not telling him has everything to do with our situation. Yes, I want our marriage, but not if he can't see what is going on, IE: his temper, comments to me, our son. I am the first to admit I made a mistake, I will be the first to admit it to my H, but I have to be careful. Everyone's situation is different and they have to weigh the importance of timing. When I tell him, I have to have the children out of the house, the gun out of the house and make sure that he understands he did not cause me to do what I did, but he aided me in my choose. I realize I could have done it diferently, I didn't. I know the OM didn't have a plan I getting me P, but he did. I don't feel I should be alone in this. I have a daily reminder of what I did. That said, I do not not regret my D. I regret my choice.

Dear RY,<BR>It sounds to me from this latest post that you are really trying to do the right thing. That wasn't clear from your earlier posts. <P>Maybe if you can't get your h to go to mc, you should at least try to find a neutral person to be there when you tell him about the affair. I am assuming from what you wrote that your h isn't abusive in general, you are just afraid of how he will react to this news. If that is true, I do understand. Although my h is a gentle loving man, I fear that if I ever cheated and he found out he would just completely lose it. I also had said (before all of this happened) that if I ever caught my h cheating on me I would kill both of them. But they are both still living and breathing. You may also consider doing it at a time when your child is away at a relative's or at a babysitters, so that she doesn't have to hear the arguing, fighting, etc, that is likely to occur.<P>I am also assuming that the nasty comments you made were just out of anger. I am sure you know that it wasn't a nice thing to say. We all know what our h's did. <P>If you can't get your h into counseling with you, you may want to consider trying counseling alone with the Harley's (the people who run this site). I am sure they can guide you through the process of telling your h the right way.<P>cd

Regretfully Yours,<P>I know that in my first post to you I was fairly harsh. I was that way because of being in your postion already, and the comments that you had made about the fact that your H doesn't know. I feel that your H should know, and as soon as possible. If your H truely loves you, he will forgive you. I was affraid that when my H found out about my A, he would leave me, but he is still here. We found out about the pregnancy after he knew about the affair. I think that the thing that made my pregnancy easier to deal with was that I had absolutly NO contact with OM. From your prior post, that should be an easy thing for you to do, since OM doesn't even think the child is his. I don't remember if you have said how old your D is. Undoubtedly, your H has already bonded with her, regardless of how old she is. Try and do as CD recomended, and find a neutral person to act as a referee of sorts, and be sure the kids aren't home. You may also want to have a few counseling session by yourself, to help you choose the right words in telling your H. <P>I am more than willing to answer any questions you may have, and even though I was so harsh in my first post to you, I still feel strongly about you not telling your H. He has every right to know, and the sooner the better.<P>Please, don't feel that I won't want to help. Ask as many questions as you want.<P>Tigger

Just Learning,<BR>you posted ***I don't feel I should be alone in this***<BR>I would just like to ask, did you give OM any input regarding abortion or adoption or did you make these decisions yourself knowing that he would just have to live with whatever choices YOU made regarding his life ?<P>Jtigger

I made the decision on my own as I was not sure who's child it was. OM and I has talked and when I asked him what he wanted to do he said if the baby is mine, so be it. He did not express any displeasure with the thought that the child maybe his. Then he found out and he akcnowledged that she was. I did not make any decisions regarding his life that would not affect mine.

***I did not make any decisions regarding his life that would not affect mine. ***<BR>But you felt you had the right to make those decisions ?<BR>Why?

Because the child was mine. The OM was aware the child may have been his and through DNA testing we found out she was. I was not alone in my choice, OM knew. He said as I stated before if the child was his, so be it.

I still don't understand.<BR>You posted ***Because the child was mine*** Not "because the<BR>child was ours". It still sounds to me you are looking for a meal ticket if your H decides not to play daddy.

You are so wrong. The child is mine. The Child was created by Om and I. She is ours, but I am the one taking care of her b/c he choose to not believe she could be his. I have looked at her since conception and after birth as mine. I will not force my H to raise her once he knows the truth. I will not force the OM to be responsible (in her life) for her if he doesn't want to be. I will however, go for CS for her. I did not create her alone. She will know who her father is. If you consider it looking for a meal ticket then fine, your opinion. I look at it as this was not the immaculant conception. Two adults made a mistake, I am not going to have my child suffer for that. I am more than willing to have him participate in her life if he chooses. He is a very good man, the reason I feel in love in the first place.<p>[This message has been edited by Regretfully Yours (edited April 17, 2001).]

RY,<P>I would offer one word of caution. With your mindset about this child being "yours", do you foresee your H having much room to exist in this situation? My caution is this. Your H is going to be absolutely destroyed by this news. Yet, he may love you enough to stay married to you and raise this child. Don't make this a situation where his nose is rubbed in the fact that biologically the child is not his.<P>Your statements and choice of words and perhaps admitted belief that the father of the child (OM) should be in this childs life, are not consistent with the fact that your H is raising this child thinking it is his. <P>Dear God woman, don't you have any idea that your H faces, losing "his" child and his marriage all at once?<P>I hope you do. But if you do, don't do what others have done and that is bring in OM because he is the "father" of the child. Read some of the men posting here to get an idea what sort of hell this can be for your H.<P>You know I don't mean this to be offensive, but where is our friend the OC advocate? SHe posted on this thread, but has been strangely quiet about your situation. I do hope she remains quiet on your situation.<P>RY, stop and think. If you want to retain your marriage, be very careful how you present this situation to your H. If he feels the child will always be "your" child, then he will see little hope that it can ever become "our" child, with the "our" not including the OM.<P>This is going to be very rough. By the way, have you broken your emotional connection to OM yet? I surely hope so.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: I forgot to ask, and haven't noticed any comments on this issue, but do you and H have other children together? This will be a very important issue in saving your marriage.

Your OM is a good man! How do you figure that he had an affair with a married woman and fathered a child out of wedlock! If that is your idea of a good man then you have a problem that cannot be solved by posting here. If you have any decency at all you will tell your H immediately and then get out of his life.

I am telling my H, I realize what he is facing. I am terribly sorry for that. I am more than willing to have him raise her as ours once he knows. Yes we have a two year old son. I am not trying to be rude or mean or make light of anyone's situation. It is all very sad. I am just trying to figure out what I want and what is best for my children.

RY,<P>Let your H be part of that decision making process, please don't try to make decisions before you tell him. One thing you need to make very sure of is whether the affair and your love of OM is gone. If it is not or isn't on the wane, your H faces an almost hopeless situation. For there will be no one to help him, meaning you. However, even this has been done by people on this board.<P>You could send him to this website. People like K can help him and so can Steve Harley who helped K through a situation very much like yours and his. His choices will be rough that is for sure.<P>God Bless,<P>JL