I am new to these boards and have to tell you that I was actually relieved to find out that I am not the only woman on the face of the earth who has been through this incredibly painful situation. However, I am beginning to think I am one of the very few women who have chosen to stay with my husband and try to work it out. We have been married for almost 9 years. My husband is a great man, a great father and was a great husband up until almost 2 years ago, I guess. He was on a business trip, had a one night stand and she got pregnant. Instead of telling me about it when he found out or when it happened, he carried on a double life for a year and a half. The OW blackmailed him constantly and used him for her emotional needs, although he had no desire to continue any kind of relationship with her at all. He finally told me on Feb. 1st of this year. My world came tumbling down around me as I sorted through the mess. I wanted to leave....I wanted to stay....and I wanted to die. Once I was told, the woman had no more leverage to blackmail, so she lost control. She has become quite a psychotic individual...calling us, calling our family, calling our atty...you name it! I also learned that she is quite a bit older than my husband and about 5 years older than myself...with her biological clock ticking. She had been "daddy shopping" for a few years now, and there is possibly another married man who could be the father as well. We should have the results of the DNA test back by the end of this week. I don't mind telling you, this has been the longest 3 weeks of my life, waiting for these results. <P>How am I doing? It comes and goes. We are in marraige councelling together, as well as working on Dr. Phil's (from Oprah)book/workbook about "Rescuing Relationships" together. I can honestly say that this is the WORST thing I have ever endured. I have been through one divorce already at a young age, after allowing myself to be a punching bag for 4 years. I dealt with abuse as a child and was raised in a very disfunctional family situation. I have struggled with depression all of my life. All of these were cycles that I fought very hard to break, and did so successfully. As I said, my husband is a great guy and yes, I am very hurt, very angry and very betrayed...but I think I really have to do the right thing for my family, not necessarily the easy thing, which is the road my mother often took. Still breaking cycles...<P>If anyone has any words of wisdom, I am all ears!

Dear fightingirish,<BR>Oh I love your username. Wish i had thought of it myself...but unfortunately the "luck of the irish" is often poor luck, and that's what brought us both here.<P>First, welcome to the forum. you are definitely not alone. Most of us here have either salvaged the marriage or are currently fighting for it. Second, congratulations for choosing to do what is right for your family. It is a choice often over-looked in this tumultuous and selfish society we live in.<P>I have been married about nine years. Affair lasted a couple of months. We are currently struggling with oc issues (cs and visitation) but thankfully, my h and I are in complete agreement about how and what we are to do.<P>If you haven't yet looked over the key philosophies on this website, I suggest you do so soon. They are invaluable.<P>Anyway, welcome. We here are all in the same boat you are, more or less, and there are lots of great men and women here to help out.<BR>cdcollins

cdcollins, thank you for writing. I have to tell you that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, filled with sadness for all of us having to endure this....as well as joy at having FINALLY found people who are dealing with this as well. That has been the hardest part for me, feeling so alone. Our friends have basically backed away from us, mainly because they don't know what to say or do. Family is very supportive, but it's still hard for them to know how to react, so sometimes they do and say things that make it hurt more. This week will be tough, awaiting the final DNA results. I will be so angry with this woman if she has put us through all of this for NOTHING...if my H is not the father. Of course I will be THRILLED as well...but I know the anger will be there. If my H is the father, which I am preparing for, then we enter a whole new realm of hell, because of the mental/emotional mess the OW is! She called our atty 2 weeks ago, crying on the phone because she doesn't understand why she can't have personal contact with my H, and why I have to be involved! DUH!!! My H finally had to leave her a v/m at work and tell her to discontinue calling our atty, discontinue calling our family members and discontinue calling my H's v/m at work until the DNA tests are back...at which point, all will be handled through the courts ANYWAY!! She's just PSYCHOTIC!!! Keep me in your prayers...I am sending the H to say his "Hail Mary's" this week till the dreaded envelope arrives...<P>

fightingirish,<BR>You found the right place there are alot of marriages here that are in the process of making it. There are also some of us that are pretty much there and are sure we will make it . Sorry you have been put into this horrible situation. The ow in your life sounds like a real winner she gets to try to kill to familys with one preg what a puke. You will find lots of great caring people here. We are 2yrs into recovery and things are looking better then ever.We have no contact with ow or oc. Keep saying whats on your mind and we will try to help you out. There has been some disagreeable people here lately dont let that bother you its not usually like this. with love flowerseed<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited April 16, 2001).]

Dear fightingirish,<BR>I will pray that your h is not the father, and I'm sure everyone else here will join in for that.<P>I'm so happy for you that you found this place just now. The waiting for DNA results was one of the hardest time in my life. <P>It's really tough being in this situation, because as you said, friends and family often don't know what to say to help. and sometimes even when they do try to help it comes out wrong and makes things worse. You should know that this is the best and safest place around to say whatever you want and find support, and sometimes even some answers.<P>As I see that you are a believer, I will tell what I have learned. God WILL reward you for sticking with your marriage. He knows that it is hard for you, but in so many ways, you will find that He helps you through the things that you could never get through on your own. He will make the unbearable bearable and He will help you get through it, one way or another. In times like these, the Grace of God is so apparant. With God, and with time (lots and lots of it) it does get easier. The pain will diminish. Life will not only go on, it will get better. This is all true. Even in our worst times (right now is one of them, as a matter of fact) we have had concrete examples of god's intervention. Here is just one example: We didn't pay our electric bill for 3 months because of the cs being sucked out of us. Normally, we would have gotten a shut-off notice. I became worried that perhaps they sent one and we didn't get it, so I called to inquire about it. They told me that their notification system got messed up for no apparant reason, so they are unable to send shut-off notices at this time, therefore, they cannot shut off anybody's power right now. They said that something like this has NEVER happened in the entire history of that electric company before. But it bought us some much needed time. <P>Anyhow, just keep in mind that if you and h keep working on your marriage, God will provide you with the strength and other means you need to get through this.<P>You are in my prayers.<BR>cd

fightingirish,<BR>Of course we will pray for your family. I will pray with all my might till you get them test back. It will be so wonderful if it comes back that its not your hs. But if it is we will be here to help you with that to.with love flowerseed

fightingirish, I am sorry you are member of our sad club, but without this club I would be truly lost. I found out my wonderful husband of 25 years, seeking sex since he didn';t think I was interested, had an on again/off again relationship with a woman he met initally online for 3 years. I found out in Feb. We have two young kids,a ges 8 and 4, and OW got pregnant about one year or so into affair.By that point, I think H was somewhat in love with OW, also felt obligated with the pregnancy which he didn't want.Then child arrived, he bonded, he got in deeper while OW claimed she wanted nothing from him. Of course, 6 months later she filed for paternity, got 1100 a month CS, and my husband finally had to tell me. It was and remains the worst day of my life and the worst thing that has happened to me. 2 months later, I have good days and bad and after my H wanting contact with OC, since he "bonded" to her, he has agreed to no contact due to my wishes. I told him I cannot accept even he just having contact, too threatening to our life and our kids, and though I love him, I would divorce him. He finally believed me, chose us over OC. We are not over woods-I hate the OW, I hate the existence of OC, I hate the child support payments, I hate my H's recklessness. But we are trying to stay together, because most of our life we have been together and that is hard to just give up due to H"s huge mistake, which he admits. We are in counseling, I recommend it if you find out C is your husband/s.HOpe you are one of the lucky ones and the C is not his. I will pray for you.

Welcome Fightingirish,<BR>I will pray with all I have that your H is not the father but as Flowerseed said we will be here if he is to help you in anyway we can.<P>Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

fightingirish,<P>welcome to our little forum here. sorry you have to be here, but am glad you found it, especially so early into recovery. i remember thinking i was the only one in this situation. i felt so alone. i was lucky to have found this place and all the wonderful people here, despite the occasional trouble maker, we usually do okay here.<P>we have been married 5 years. affair happened before our first anniversary. we have a very rough first year, i think had it not been for the affair, we would have divorced. but we were catapulted into reality and into deciding what we really wanted. OC is going to be 4 this october. we have no contact, and will soon find out the payments for cs. we have no kids yet, by choice.<P>go back to the beginning by selecting all topics in the place to choose how many topics to view. read and learn. it will take awhile but is nice to do when things get slow around here.<P>take care, and good luck fighting for your marriage. it is totally possible!! prayers for you and your family.<P>happy_girl<P>

Good Luck on your DnA test<BR>I know what you are going through waiting on the rsults<BR>i spent so many days afraid to go to the post office <BR>unfortunately, our test was positive. My h and i were separated getting divorced and he had a drunken 2 week fling . We decided to stay together then found out about this We thought we had plenty of reason to doubt she was sure who was the father<BR>The fact that it was positive makes it harder fro me to believe and trust him<BR>it hurts so bad I just dont understand why Everything is supposed to happen for a reason but i cant see a reason for this<BR>a friend told me what doesnt kill you makes you stronger<BR>im not dead yet!!<BR>It really helps letting your feelings out here and hearing the stories of others in such situations <BR>our ugly b**** is psyhco too<BR>putting "no contact" orders against us going to my boss at work saying she wants all rights to herself wants h yto sign over parental rights <BR>never hearing from her until we get a letter wanting cs<BR>i found out by accident that she has HERPES<BR>thank god we didnt catch it <BR>What kind of person would be sleeping with people she doesnt know or anyone unprotected after catching a disaese w/o a cure<BR>my h claims to have used condom <BR>hard one to believe MIRACLE BABY from condom and the pill and only did it 2 times<BR>Sometimes i feel like a fool fo trying to stay with him<BR>i just ahve to take it day by day<BR>

Hey Irish,<P><BR> Nice to know I'm not the only mick on the board. You are in the right place, very sharp people here.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

fightingirish,<P>hi, welcome to the sad group. My situation is also the result of a one night stand, out of town business. We have been married going on five years. It happened within the first year of our marriage. The toughest part on myself is that the oc is five months older than our daughter. It has been 15 months since dday. Since than we have moved out of the state leaving our families and starting fresh.<P>I know what terrible torture it is to wait for the results. It is awful, like you want the results to hurry up, yet you don't really want to know what the results are, so you want to put it off. We are suviving and really moving farther away from what put us here. It is still a struggle, but it is possible to move on. <P>You will find love and support here. Everyone is living what you are feeling right now, your not alone. I am so glad that you were able to find this place at such an early stage in discovery. You are in my prayers. <P>babstr.

Dear Fighting,<BR>I'm so sorry that you're going through this but you've come to the right place. You are not crazy and you're not alone and yes you have a lot to mourn. I hope and pray the DNA comes back not his, but if it is, you'll get support here and I hope you have a counselor too. This is a lot to deal with. I shared ways my H and I healed on ISB's post "what do you think of this?", which is near the bottom now but I can't retype it all now (don't even have time to read all of yours!).<BR>Best wishes on healing your marriage--yes healing CAN happen!<BR>Jenny, 2++ years of recovery and doin' GREAT!

Dear Fighting Irish,<P>Man of Man, I didnt realize there was so many of us on here...someone must have stolen all our lucky shamrocks, bc obvously our luck is lacking. Where's a stinking leprechaun when you need one?<P>I remember being so mad at God. I was going through a rough time anyways bc my H was in the army and had been gone for over a year (he was supposed to be gone 3 months). I was raising a baby by myself and we were not doing well in our marriage. THere seemed to be no end in sight. One fatefull day I was taking a shower and broke down and cried and cried and begged God to make it all stop. I remember telling him to Please make it stop. I could not take anymore. Later that night is when my H called and told me he had been unfaithful. Then he said it got worse and I thought how in the world could it get worse. He said "she's pregnant". My heart dropped into my stomach. I wanted to crumble up and blow away. it was horrible.<P>That was almost 2 years ago exactly. We are still together and doing really well. Oc is about a year and a half old and we have never seen her (except in pics). I remember wiating for that stupid dna test. Once again I pleaded with God for that baby not to be his. But I guess that wasnt in his plan. It was my H's child.<P>We ahve no contact with ow or oc. She decided she couldnt stand the thought of me having anything to do with her baby and shagged. Can you imagine? THe nerve. She moved and left no forwarding address. We hadnt heard from her in a year until she emailed me last week..."I want to talk to H." Anyway basically we told her that was not going to happen. If it was that important she would tell us through email, right? We thought so. She didnt agree, so I assumed what was important to her was not whatever she to tell us, but that she hear my H's voice. Havent heard from her in a couple of days, so I am hoping she crawled back under her rock.<P>You are not crazy for staying in your marriage. Alot of us are and are making it. I love my H dearly and I know he loves me. his was not a one night stand..they were emotionally involved, which still makes me sick if I think about it. But we are doing very good. Him especially.<P>You will be in my prayers<P>broken_wings

FightingIrish,<BR>I am so glad you found this forum of very compassionate and helpful people. <BR>If you have a problem and ask about it, many wise and loving people will come to your rescue.<BR>Now about the Irish thing....geeze...I'm 1/2 Irish....do ya think it's the luck of the Irish?<P>My Italian Dad used to sing "Peg-o-my heart" to my Mom when they dated.....she's all Irish!<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Fighting Irish,<P>Even though this is a horrible thing to happen to<BR>your marriage, you can survive.<BR>It's been 10 mos since dday for me and it is better as<BR>time goes on. No matter what happens, as long as your<BR>h is truly remorseful you can make your marriage even <BR>better than it was before the Bad Choice.<P>My H made a one-time bad judgement call, too.<BR>It is frightening that such a regrettable mistake can<BR>almost ruin your life. I cant figure for the life of me<BR>why a woman would want to raise a child under these <BR>circumstances. Had I been the one to make the mistake, I<BR>can guarantee that I would not be FORCING myself and child<BR>on a man who regrets laying eyes on me. I would have more<BR>concern for MY child and MY dignity. But we are all different, as you can see.<BR>Good luck with your counseling. It is a great way to see<BR>how committed your h is to repairing the damage.<BR>Take care of yourself and keep posting, it is a good way<BR>to vent without continuing to damage your marriage.<BR>It also helps to see that there are other men and women<BR>who feel as we do and want to keep their families together<BR>in spite of this tragedy. Take care, fluke

At this point the best thing you can do is get two things accomplished with your H. Number 1... Policy of Joint Agreement. Number 2... Honesty.<P>These two things are totally critical to the success of your marriage. I think marriages are worth saving. Your H has shown some poor judgement in trying to keep this hidden from you. But that is behind you now. Make sure that honesty is a first. And also work on the Joint Agreement. It sounds like you are getting that worked out also. <P>Don't think too much about OW. Let your lawyer contact her. She has no place in your life. Don't think about her. She cannot steal your peace of mind. That only happens if you let her into your thoughts. <P>There have been many women on this board who got negative DNA results. This may also happen to you. I will keep that hope up for you. But even if it comes back the other way, there can be a good life still out there for you and your H and child. It is just a little harder to acheive. But the good things are worth the effort aren't they?<P>I am also Irish. Several generations down the line, but on both sides. Funny thing is.. folks think that the term "luck of the Irish" means bad luck. Actually, it started by people saying that the Irish were dirty, worthless, no good people and that if any of them actually succeded in life it had to be due to luck. Therefore... Luck of the Irish! Rather a racial slur isn't it? <P>Take care and keep fighting. Carolyn

Oh, carolyn, I didn't know it meant that! I am part irish too and certainly didn't mean it as a racial slur. <P>BTW, all of what you wrote today has been extremely beneficial to me, even though it wasn't directed to me, per se. Really enjoyed your thoughts.<BR>cd

Thank you all for your thoughtful notes, comments, prayers, thoughts... I can't TELL you what a load off of my shoulders it has been to finally find others who have been through and SURVIVED this horrible ordeal! I told H that I found this forum and he was very excited for me! He is very much a different man as we have begun to endure this together. Yes, I still have days when I am quite vocally angry with him and want to know "why", but he remains very supportive and listens when I need him to listen. My biggest struggle is trust. It goes beyond not trusting him...I have found that I think no man is worth trusting. That's a horrible way to feel, especially when most of my friends have always been men. I have learned to classify it into "good days and bad days". I am coping with the fact that even people who are CONTROL FREAKS, such as myself, cannot have control over everything! (Such as the DNA test...and when we're going to GET it! Argggg!) Initially I felt like a real charity case because I just couldn't see myself with anyone else except my H, even after all of this had happened. I have come to realize that it has nothing to do with my lack of self-worth right now...but more the fact that I know that my H is really a good guy! I guess that's a step in the right direction!!! I hope these men (and women, if there are men out there who've been on the flip side of this and have stayed and worked it out) realize how very lucky they are to have partners like us!!!! Thank you all again, and I will continue to sort through all of the postings for the valuable information that you all have given! I'll keep you posted on the anticipated activities of the week!!<P>Hugs to you all!<BR>~Irish