OK, I'll admit that my ever increasing weight problem was probably a LB for my husband and did not meet his need for an attractive mate, but, really, must there be so many negative comments on this board about the OW being fat and ugly?<P>His OW was not ugly, fat, nor stupid. As he puts it she was a 10-year-younger version of me. She is physically lovely and an enormously intelligent woman (obviously without a lot of self-protection or common sense).<P>I wasn't enormously overweight when his affair began 8 years ago. I was a size 14 and took the best care of my appearance as I could. Dressed nicely, kept my hair done, did my makeup and was hit on by other men, so I couldn't have been too hideous. <P>Granted, now I am much, much more overweight (after a car <BR>accident that left chronic pain and blinding migraines and now rheumatoid arthritis.) I agree that I need to do something about my wieght. My illnesses and weight have meant that my husband has lost his recreational companion also.<P>But what about that he gained weight? or that he chose to continue going out to play pool at night when he knew that the smoke in bars triggered my asthma and I could no longer go with him? <P>I know that I have much to work on to improve my part of this marriage, but sometimes plan A really seems like blaming the victim. After your affair is discovered is one *hell* of a time to begin complaining that your spouse didn't meet your needs! It is like some little kid rationalizing away his misbehavior. What about my unmet needs for conversation, for a husband to spend my leasure time with? None of this is one sided<P>A very good man fell in love with me during my husband's affair. I guess I had an EA. I ended the friendship pronto as soon as I realized that it was becoming a threat to my marriage. As far as I am concerned, that is what people with a conscience do. Now I look back and wonder if I gave up a better life with a different man; he is now married. I never regretted my choice until I learned my husband had been unfaithful to me. I had as many "legitimate" reasons and chances to have an affair 8 years ago as he did. Maybe now not many men would look twice at me, but back then I wasn't so bad looking. In my late teen years, I was a model. Now I have let myself lose my beauty to fat as I have overeaten to compensate for chronic pain and the loneliness of a husband who spent too much time persuing his own interests (and it turns out, his affair).<P>Those fat comments *really* hurt ladies. Maybe they hurt because they have a bit of the truth to them, but being skinny doesn't make you a good person and being fat doesn't make you a bad one. That comes from inside and those born ugly deserve our compassion, not our derision.<P>Maybe you are right that those who have been abused or are overweight or have self-esteem problems are more prone to being the OW. If you believe in yourself enough, it seems to me that you would believe that you deserve more than a married man can give to you. I know that I deserved better from the man I loved and married than to be the victim of his selfish behavior.

Dear Mrs. Job,<BR>for the record, I am much chubbier than ow - a result of having four children - the last three within the last four years. I like to think of myself as pleasantly plump, haha.<BR>And I could probably lose the weight if I set my mind to it, however neither I nor my h are really concerned about it right now. In truth, he prefers me this way - I think because when I am thin he feels "threatened" that other men will be attracted to me. All goes back to the self-esteem issues.<P>But the comments you heard here are just women in pain trying to figure out what their husbands saw in the ow. Nobody was really putting down fat people in general. Or ugly people for that matter.<P>I was just trying to point out that a lot of times, poor self-esteem is a big factor in extramarital affairs. And low self-esteem can come from a variety of factors, including weight issues, childhood issues, etc.<P>with love, and with sincerest apologies if I offended you<BR>cd

Mrs. Job, <BR>I also wanted to add that at the time of the affair, I was extremely thin and (if I must say so myself) rather striking in appearance. Ow rarely did her hair, and did not take much care in her personal appearance. she also talked very trashy, slept with a variety of men, etc.<P>BUT she was open to talking with my husband, open to listening to him, open to satisfying his sexual needs, open to feeding his ego by telling him how handsome/sexy/powerful/smart he was. At that time, I was not doing any of the above. It is hard for me to admit that the reason he was attracted to her was not so much because of her stregths, but because of MY WEAKNESSES. I was failing to provide my h with the emotional support and the sexual closeness that he desired. for a long long time, it was easier for me to point out her negative areas than to ackowlege MY negative areas. This is exactly what is happening here. Please don't let it bother you.<BR>cd

Thank you cd for putting it into words, I second that

OK ladies (and gents too) I stayed out of the last fat remarks thread. But I will admit now that I am five feet two and a half inches tall by five foot two and a half inches wide and am well over the two hundred pound mark, plus I am 1/2 bald and not pretty, I have learned to live with it as my only other choice would be to die with it. I can have a nasty personality at times too. Not to mention that I spend much of my time feeling ill and am so lay around a lot so my house looks like hell most of the time. So you could add lazy to the list if you want to.<P>BUT I don't take it personal when someone is blasting "their" ow with fat comments. I know they are just letting off some steam and we have to remember that. I think most of us try to be a little PC here at MB and that can be good, but if everyone is going to be over sensitave about everything then we will have to watch every word we say. I think that would be bad. I think of MB as a place where it is safe to say what we feel. It would be a shame for that to change IMHO. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

I agree completely with bozos_deb! Very well said.

Dear Mrs. Job,<P><BR> There are no fat girls. Rubinesque, maybe, voluptuous,maybe, curveacious, maybe,************** but not fat. You are beautiful the way you are!!<P><BR> God bless you, <P> <P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Mrs. Job, Just to let you know at the present time, our ow is so skinny she looks like a skeleton with clothes on. At court a month or two back I was sitting behind her and her shoulder blades were showing thru a thick sweater. I would rather be pleasantly plump anytime than the way she is. And she had always looked this way, or so my H says I just set eyes on her for the first time that day in court a couple of months ago. The affair or I should say one night stand happened six years ago and the oc is now five. I was and still am not overweight and am in shape, and my h finds me attractive, he did not even really look at the ow during their one night stand, it was a one time ugly sexual act. Do not take to hear what is said here about physical appearances it is all merely said in angry and pain and is not directed towards you, but toward the mean, ugly, fat, skinny, selfish, ow. Gabi1116

oh gregg, you are too cute! that was perfectly said. especially coming from one of the men around here!<P><BR>mrs.job, i hope that anything i might have said was not hurtful to you. i agree with those in that we just get our frustrations out here. none of us are perfect, but it helps to bash our OW's a bit...<P>happy_girl

Mrs. J,<BR>I apologize for any pain my comments have caused you; that was certainly not my intent. I truly believe character is more important than looks. I never dissed the XOW for her weight while I knew her, nor do I mention it often now, but occasionally it feels good to put her down and blow off some of that anger I have at her. She pretended to be my "friend" while trying to destroy my family.

The Ow in my situation i kept hearing described as "tiny" "petite" "size 3" <BR>I am a tall big boned girl whne my h and i got back together i kept feeling lke that was something i could never compare too. I will NEVER weigh 105# (she is VERY UGLY though)<BR>When i found out she gained over #70 with the pregnancy I thought ha!!! Now her body will be ravaged by stretch marks too Her belly isn;t flat<BR>she may never see size 3 again i have heard it is all lingering in her bottom half<P><BR>I think what some of the people say around here about the guys rings true<BR>mine told me he mostly talked to her about me and me leaving him and filing for divorce and missing his sons<BR>he said SHE wanted him whereas I was rolling over and having nothing to do with him. It was a time of great stress i was working full time and going to school full time<BR>and getting aggravated at him. <BR>I thought for so long that because he showed so much care for our child that is why she "chose" him to name as the dad i thought he was just the best pick of the bunch and probably had the best job <BR>But it was true!!!<BR>I still ask God WWWHYYY????? almost every day<BR>She gets around (the first time she saw my h and asked her friend about him she was with another guy and there was a guy "Friend" staying with her in a one bedroom apartment???<BR>Why did the slut not get caught until my family came along??<BR>Why do we have to pay for the rest of our life for one mistake???? I know I could forgive and forget if WE COULD FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!