I had a child before i got with my H <BR>so i feel a little hypocritical if i cant accept this OC we<BR>WERE divorcing anyway. We werent together at the time but we were back together before i found out about the ow or pregnancy <BR>i told my H when i met him it was a package deal with my child and me<BR>do i have to accept the package taking him back???<BR>it would be easier if the dumb b**** wasn't such a trouble maker and hadnt discovered she has herpes and seen how UGLY she is. Frankly im embarrassed of him for being with THAT!<BR>i was in counseling and at the time befoer the trouble started i thought i could accept it but the counselor said it is different a child that comes after because i said well he accepted my child<BR>But i have asked him if he could accept if "I" would have gotten pregnant duirng the separation he didnt know<BR>i do think though if WE could have the baby and not deal with HER i could accept it as my own<BR>i odnt know it just hurts so much <BR>if it was an older child not a baby , maybe it wouldnt be so bad<BR>our youngest is starting kindergarten<BR>babies tear at my heart<BR>i got sterilized after the last and i regret it now<BR>i wish i wouldnt have so i can have a baby too<BR>or i wish we wouldve had him done instead so we wouldnt be in the mess<BR>Any opinions on my guilty feelings?

Dear NBS,<P>Well, I am not one of the women in your shoes, but I don't think you should feel guilty about the way you feel. The child you had before you were married is very different from the child that your husband has fathered. Your husband knew about your child BEFORE you were married. This new child was conceived AFTER you were married. Regardless of the fact that you were seperated at the time. Was the divorce ever finalized? If not, then there is no difference between a lot of these other women's situations and your own. You were still married, and therefore, there should have been no other relationship with any other women during your seperation. Have you discussed trying to get custody of the child? I know it is a very hard thing to do, but worth discussing, at the least. Hopefully, there will be some who are in your position who will be posting to you soon.<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited April 16, 2001).]

Yes our divorce was finalized <BR>we are not currently married<BR>i wonder if we should shop for another attorney<BR>ours pretty much gives us no hope of custody unless she gets in trouble with the law for drugs or something<BR>he even recommends we not ask for every other year on taxes but everyone i know gets that and i dont think that is too much to ask. We have got to do something about the cs laws <BR>he gets like 9.something % discount for our child then has to pay like 1/3 of his gross to HER???? So screwed up!!!!<BR>does your OM know he is the baby's bio??? if so you are lucky he leaves you alone<BR>Bio is not waht matters, the man who raises you is dad<BR>These guys dont get that chance <BR>this bi*** admitted all she wanted was money<BR>hes only seen the baby at the DNA test

No, our OM does not even know I was pregnant. He left the state shortly after H and I found out I was expecting. We are 99.9% sure it is OM's, b/c H had a vasectomy 6 yrs ago. If you want our full story, you can go back to Oct and read the post from me titled "Our full situation, FYI"<P>As for were you are at in your situation, I'm not sure what to tell you. If this child was concieved after you were divorced, he didn't break his marriage vows to you. But, I can see how it would be difficult to accept this OC into an already troubled relationship. I would really think hard about how you truly feel about your H. If you truely love him, and he truely wants this child in his life, you need to be sure of any decision you make. At this point, with you two not being re-married as of yet, you are able to make those choices. Work on what was wrong in the previous marriage so the same mistakes aren't made again. I woul recommend looking into the Harley's books, getting some of them, and reading them together.<P>I'm sorry that I don't have any better advice for you at this time.<P>Tigger

Never_Be_Same,<P>Thats a toughy. FIrst I would say that I do not think it is fair to throw your child in your face . Your h knew about your child way before. You were abck together before you found out about oc, right? You had no choice. Whether or not you were married at the time does not change the fact that it hurts that he had another child. Dont have any great advice, but I will pray for you. <P>I would however look for a new lawyer.<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

Tigger,<BR>Wow Just went back to Nov and read your whole story.<BR>why is life such a mess sometimes???<BR>I felt the same way too about being through so much and so long to end it all over 1 mistake i too am not perfect. I just dont understand why we have to pay for one mistake so harshly for the rest of our lives!!!! I am still so bitter<BR>I wish i oculd be stronger <BR>The baby is innocent i understand that <BR>i really think i could take it in and raise it as my own<BR>but the thought of it calling my childrens' daddy "daddy" and not calling me "mommy " just breaks my heart <BR>dealing with the op and all the trouble shes been<P>people who know her said they owuldnt be surprised if she drops it off at the sitter one day and doesnt come back for it <BR>if that would happen I would be there for him <BR>

Dear NBS,<P>Even though you and your H had broken up, there is a huge difference between him accepting your child and your accepting the OC. My H had children from a previous marriage. When I met him I met the children, I knew that he had been in love before and that it did not work out. The emotional baggage was still there, but the actual ties to the woman were long gone. <P>When we married, he brought his two children INTO OUR MARRIAGE. We were the center - the focal point, and they were one of the many people who revolved around our world.<P>When an OW and OC are involved, they are not people who are brought into your world, they are a competing, almost parallel world. That is what is so frightening and upsetting about the situation. You believe that you and your H have established a unique life together, then you find out that he has a parallel child with another woman and, even if he does not love the OW, it feels uncomfortably like a parallel wife.<P>Your child became a part of your family with your H. And, if she would allow it, you have already acknowledged that the OC could become part of your family. Most of us would accept that arrangement, similar to an adoption.<P>But for some of us, the OC, though innocent, represents the worst time in our marriages -- whether it is simple betrayal or more complicated emotions tied in with the breakdown of communication, trust and love that are so common during marital problems.<P>Your present situation and your past situation have nothing whatsoever to do with each other. As broken wings said, it really is about choice. You did not have a choice in whether or not you would be a stepmother to your H's child.<P>The pain surrounding an OC is sometimes so great that you feel you will never be whole again. It was so sad to read those words that you could not stand to have a child call your H "daddy" who did not call you "mommy". It's a long road and I hope that yours will have the happy ending you seek. <P>But, as tigger said, it is very difficult to get custody of a child from its mother unless the mother is absolutely and undeniably horrid. But miracles happen all the time. And,if your heart is big enough to accept this child into your life to be part of your family then I hope that miracle can happen for you.<P>Meanwhile, concentrate on making yourself happy. Read as much as you can about affairs and how to resolve the feelings left in the aftermath. You will find many wonderful souls on this forum who are willing and able to help you through this.<P>My prayers are with you,<BR>love,<BR>heavenly