I'm still hurting very much. However, the thoughts of getting a legal separation in order to get child and spousal support make me feel a lot better. I'm just afraid of getting into trouble. Especially since no one other than our couselor and H sister know anything about this. So separate residences are out of the question.<BR>We have one child who is 2. Childcare costs are not too much, and there are no medical bills I can claim. I don't know if my state will honor spousal support. I really would feel so much better if I could claim and get support so that OP would get minimum. Especially since she is now shacked up with her swiney lawyer in a new condo. <BR>Suggestions needed.

tormented, I would love to reduce our CS payments which I think are the highest of this group, but like you, do not see how. I have told no one of this whole mess, feel I just cannot and live with people knowing this, and have no option for a fake separation or divorce, local address I could use, etc. to pretend. I wish we could. I keep telling myself the money is just money, the emotional/psychological price is worse, and H vows to work harder to make more or compensate our loss, but who needs that? i have thought of working more, but feel that would mean kids in day care more, giving up my summers off, etc. and husband doesnot want me to do that since as he said he brought about this mess, I shouldn't have to pay for it either or our kids. It is a painful lesson for him and me,a nd I hate it. The thought we are tied to these payments for 18 years sickens me, makes getting over it so much harder. I really hate it.

What about giving a friends address? Does anyone at all know your situation? I have given all this a lot of thought lately also, since ow has intruded back into our lives. She had her chance once and she screwed it up. Now she will have to fight me tooth and nail for anything she gets. I have thought about saying my H lives with my best friend as far as courts go. he doesnt actually have to live there, right. CD and Catnip are two I know who have done it. I am sure they are full of great info. Let us know if you find out anything.<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

Dear tormented,<BR>During our first separation (the real one when the affair was going on) h had no real address to give to domestic relations. He couldn't give ow's address because, although he had been staying at her place, she had just gotten evicted and had to move back home to mommy. And he didn't have a place of his own. He was just going from friend's house to friends house. So he told them he didn't have a permanent address, but that his mail was going to his parents' home. Perhaps you could try somthing like that - tell them that he doesn't have a permanent address, but that his mail is going to his sisters house, or even a po box. Worth a try, I would say.<BR>with love,<BR>cd

Tormented, I am one of the women who has also filed for CS for my children. Here is what I did.<P>Prior to OC being born I filed for CS. It was fairly simple in my state (TN). I already had a divorce action pending (which I had filed immediately upon finding out about A). At the time I was not planning on finalizing the divorce. But since that action was out there it made it much easier to file for CS. Please read up on your state law as to how CS can be filed for and under what circumstances. <P>Since the law is specific in TN on amounts, I did not have to produce receipts or a separate address. The law allows for my H and I to live together while D is pending. And there is no time limit as to when D must be final. I get 33% of his income for my two boys. I did not even claim spousal support. There is a reason for that. In TN a second claim for CS is taken into consideration after the first CS order. After that, any spousal support is calculated. So the OW and her CS claim would not have been reduced by my spousal support claim. Her amount is only impacted by the CS claim for my boys. <P>Even with that, the OW gets $1,500 a month from my H. This is such a bitter pill to swallow. I think constantly about how many nice vacations we could be taking. How great a college my boys could one day attend. About repairs that could be made to our home without concern if I had that money each month. <P>For many reasons I have failed in my efforts at repairing my marriage. My D-day was January, 2000. OC was born in July, 2000. My H and the OW work together and never broke off contact. The failure of my H to break contact has doomed our marriage and I will be finishing our divorce. At that time I am asking for more that the alloted 33% of my H income. He has agreed to give me a higher number. At that time the OW will have her amount reduced. <P>One word on moving on and how to not be comsumed by all this. Please know that every minute you allow OW to dwell in your thoughts, she has stolen a moment from your child. She has stolen another moment of your piece of mind. PLEASE do not give her that power. When your thoughts drift to her, please find a thought that you can go to in replacement of thoughts of her (a favorite place, time, etc.). It takes work, but soon you will not be thinking of her as much. Just please do not give her that kind of power over your life. <P>Take care... Carolyn

tormented,<BR>How is it going today?<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC