I have been lurking for some time and have finally decided to post. When i was 13 I got a phone call from someone saying they were my half sister. I told her that she was crazy. I asked my parents about it and they told me 14 years earlier my father had and affair that led to the birth of my half siste. I was hurt and i was angry. My FIRST question was "why was I not told?" and my second was "when can i meet my sister?' My mom was hurt she did not want me involved in the lives of my sister or the Ow. When i asked why i had not known of my sister they told me "they wanted to protect me" i told them that was a load of crock they wanted to protect themselves and their marriage. I did meet my sister and I love her! Being so close age we are like best friends. I will be getting married in a few months and she is my maid of honor. My family has gone to a lot of counceling to try and fix the damage done by their lies, notice I say their's my sister and i were the innocent ones it was all the adults who acted like selfish children that should have known better. i love my parents and i can't wait till my father walks me down the isle but there will ALLWAYS be a part of me that hates the fact that I could of had my sister in my life for 13 more years than i have. To those of you in this situation do not think you are protecting your children at least be honest and realize you are protecting your feelings. Also do not think for a second that your kids will not find out about their brothers and sisters one day because one way or another they will. yes i believe you should give yourself time to heal and to rebuild your marriage before you involve the oither child but you should allow your children the benefit of deciding if they , not you, want arelationship with their brothers and sisiers.

I agree that keeping secrets is harmful. I have been adament about my children knowing about the OC, but my H does not want that to happen. He doesn't want to tell his friends, family and co-workers. See, the OW and H work together. If my H leaves his job he may not easily find another one making the money he makes (he is in executive management). The OW refuses to find another job. So if our children know about OC, then eventually it will get back around to his co-workers and could cost him his job.<P>In order to finally bring this secret to light I am divorcing my H. Then he can openly admit to OC and have open relationship with OW if he wants to. If they marry, then their jobs will not be at risk. It is terrible that I have to do this in order to get this secret out of my childrens lives. I totally agree that waiting until the OC is older will harm them much more than it would now. <P>Take care... Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by goodmom:<BR><B>I have been lurking for some time and have finally decided to post. When i was 13 I got a phone call from someone saying they were my half sister. I told her that she was crazy. I asked my parents about it and they told me 14 years earlier my father had and affair that led to the birth of my half siste. I was hurt and i was angry. My FIRST question was "why was I not told?" and my second was "when can i meet my sister?' My mom was hurt she did not want me involved in the lives of my sister or the Ow. When i asked why i had not known of my sister they told me "they wanted to protect me" i told them that was a load of crock they wanted to protect themselves and their marriage. I did meet my sister and I love her! Being so close age we are like best friends. I will be getting married in a few months and she is my maid of honor. My family has gone to a lot of counceling to try and fix the damage done by their lies, notice I say their's my sister and i were the innocent ones it was all the adults who acted like selfish children that should have known better. i love my parents and i can't wait till my father walks me down the isle but there will ALLWAYS be a part of me that hates the fact that I could of had my sister in my life for 13 more years than i have. To those of you in this situation do not think you are protecting your children at least be honest and realize you are protecting your feelings. Also do not think for a second that your kids will not find out about their brothers and sisters one day because one way or another they will. yes i believe you should give yourself time to heal and to rebuild your marriage before you involve the oither child but you should allow your children the benefit of deciding if they , not you, want arelationship with their brothers and sisiers.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>to those who don't think their kids will find out , they will.<BR>

Goodmom,<P>Just for the sake of discussion, how would you have felt had you not gotten to know your father over these intervening years? You see if he had continued to see your sister, the marriage might very well have ended and is the often the case your father would not have had custody and very likely had no or limited visiting rights.<P>The presence of an OW or OM in the marriage when another child is born, more often than not ends the marriage rather harshly. What you are seeing here, are the exceptions. The ladies and gentlemen here are trying to save their marriage, but they know that contact with the OP will very likely lead to the affair starting again. This means that while OC may see more of the father, the children of the marriage will see much less.<P>I appreciate and honor the fact that you and your half sister really get along well. But this situation is much more complicated than that. If the marriage isn't saved, then virtually all children involved are hurt. As for telling you, trust one thing it was more complicated than depriving you of seeing your sister. If told you may have insisted on seeing her, thus bringing OW back into the picture.<P>You are right in many respects, but marriages (as you will find out soon) are very complicated beings. They require the merging of two different personalities, two different sexes, and two different family histories to have a decent shot at success. Add these other complications and you have a real mess, where usually only hindsight allows you to see through the debris.<P>Here's wishing you a wonderful marriage and life. I truely hope you never have to face any of the problems found on this site and certainly this portion of this site.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Just learning, I cannot agree more with you. You spoke eloquently of the complicated mess this all is. No one answer is right for everyone, goodmom, you act so santimonious about it, but there have also been people here who have posted and told of telling kids at age 21 of affair and OC and even at that age the children wanted nothing to do with the OC or OW. I agree that we are the exceptions, trying to fight to hold onto our marriages and the life our kids were brought into- at least by the BS, and usually by the H or spouse which betrayed the trust. In many cases, the H or spouse regrets their mistake and wishes to move on in life. All have been affected by this in one way or the other. my children they will be affected by the stress in my marriage as we try to deal with this, by me feeling like Krap dealing with this, by me not being the mother I have been for them as I process this mess. I do not feel sad for OC having no contact with father. Her mother decided to bring her into this world knowing that may happen.She decided to have sex with a married man knowing he would never leave his family for her.She willingly chose to have child selfishly thinking she could do it all alone. I know many women these days who choose to have kids alone, not in just these circumstances but as single mothers out of desire to be a mother. So be it with OW-she left my H out of equation, chose the birth, now she has to choose to leave us alone and stay away from my kids.<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>Goodmom,<P>Just for the sake of discussion, how would you have felt had you not gotten to know your father over these intervening years? You see if he had continued to see your sister, the marriage might very well have ended and is the often the case your father would not have had custody and very likely had no or limited visiting rights.<P>The presence of an OW or OM in the marriage when another child is born, more often than not ends the marriage rather harshly. What you are seeing here, are the exceptions. The ladies and gentlemen here are trying to save their marriage, but they know that contact with the OP will very likely lead to the affair starting again. This means that while OC may see more of the father, the children of the marriage will see much less.<P>I appreciate and honor the fact that you and your half sister really get along well. But this situation is much more complicated than that. If the marriage isn't saved, then virtually all children involved are hurt. As for telling you, trust one thing it was more complicated than depriving you of seeing your sister. If told you may have insisted on seeing her, thus bringing OW back into the picture.<P>You are right in many respects, but marriages (as you will find out soon) are very complicated beings. They require the merging of two different personalities, two different sexes, and two different family histories to have a decent shot at success. Add these other complications and you have a real mess, where usually only hindsight allows you to see through the debris.<P>Here's wishing you a wonderful marriage and life. I truely hope you never have to face any of the problems found on this site and certainly this portion of this site.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>IT came out that my father had been invoved with my sister her entire life. he lied to my mother and stayed involved with his daughter. My parents seperated shortly after my sister and i discovered each other, had they been haonest from the beginning maybe they would be together.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lsb:<BR><B>Just learning, I cannot agree more with you. You spoke eloquently of the complicated mess this all is. No one answer is right for everyone, goodmom, you act so santimonious about it, but there have also been people here who have posted and told of telling kids at age 21 of affair and OC and even at that age the children wanted nothing to do with the OC or OW. I agree that we are the exceptions, trying to fight to hold onto our marriages and the life our kids were brought into- at least by the BS, and usually by the H or spouse which betrayed the trust. In many cases, the H or spouse regrets their mistake and wishes to move on in life. All have been affected by this in one way or the other. Even if my children never learn of OC, and I wish that were possible, they will be affected by the stress in my marriage as we try to deal with this, by me feeling like Krap dealing with this, by me not being the mother I have been for them as I process this mess. I do not feel sad for OC having no contact with father. Her mother decided to bring her into this world knowing that may happen.She decided to have sex with a married man knowing he would never leave his family for her.She willingly chose to have child selfishly thinking she could do it all alone. I know many women these days who choose to have kids alone, not in just these circumstances but as single mothers out of desire to be a mother. So be it with OW-she left my H out of equation, chose the birth, now she has to choose to leave us alone and stay away from my kids.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> I have also known others who weer in my exact same shoes and NONE of then ddin't want to meet their brothers and sisiters. On the same note none of them, including myself, wanted ANYTHING to to do with the OW. I <BR>

I don't think <B>all</B> children want to know half-siblings, etc. I happen to have 2 half-siblings, a brother a lot older than me, and a sister about 6 years younger than me. They were not conceived through affairs, but they are my half sibs. I have no want or need to know them. <P>Blood is NOT thicker than water. I know them no more than I do someone walking down the street. M<P>y best friend also recently found out that her father had 2 children with a woman before he married her mother. She doesn't have a yearning to know them either. Biology is not everything. I feel closer to some of my friends than I do to my own blood relatives. <P>I respect that some people do have that need, but not everyone does. My own sister actually tried to have a relationship with our half brother and he didn't want a relationship with her. She even now has a relationship with the mother we never knew as children. I don't feel the need. We are all different. We are all unique and so are our situations. NO ONE SITUATION WORKS FOR EVERYONE.<P>happy_girl

"goodmom"(a mom before marriage? HM),<P>Before you think your experience is the only viewpoint, I will add that of my 4 cousins who met their half-sister/OC in their teens, none of them maintained a long relationship with her and one of the four (the only girl) flat out refuses to believe the OC was her father's! She lives in denial to this day, because she could not face the disappointment that would cause her of her father's memory. Every story has it's own circumstances and there are NO EASY SOLUTIONS.<P>Your story is sad and painful. Interesting triangulation of you, your dad and the OC, leaving your mom out as the "bad guy" when it was primarily your father living a life of lies...<P>(PS happygirl, we posted at same time! I too have 3 half-siblings by a prior marriage and while I wish them well, we never were and never will be close. No big deal.)<P>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 17, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 18, 2001).]

Carriemom,<P>Our daughter is only 3 and oc is now 1 1/2. A girl also. We initially tried to incorporate oc in our lives, but when ow figured out that I would also be involved with her c she dropped her cs case an dmoved with no forwarding address. I also have a 7 yr old step daughter. I love her as my own. Ow new what kind of person I was and knew I would treat oc with as much love as mine. That is what she could not stand. Unlike many of the ow, mine did not get pregnant for $. Yes she did it on purpose, but she did it to try and keep my H. She really was obsessed with him.<P>Anyway, i am glad you and sister are close now, although I am sorry to hear about your parents. If oc ever comes knocking at our door she will be welcomed into our home. What I want to know is, looking back, when would have been ideal for your parents to tell you and how would they have explained it to you?<P>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

I was adopted at birth. I am sure some where in this world I have siblings. I really don't care and have no desire to meet them.<P>Jtigger

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Goodmom,<P>I just came to see if you had relpied and realized I called you "Carriemom" You know I have absolutely no idea why I did that. Do I know a Carriemom? JeeZ Im sorry.<P>Love<BR>bw

Dear bw,<BR>There is also a carriemom here. She is the saint that led me to mb in the first place.<BR>cd

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jenny:<BR>[B]"goodmom"(a mom before marriage? HM),<BR> I am not a mom,meaning I didn't give birth I am raising a and nephew since my sister died, any more questions!<BR>

gm,<BR>I apologize on the parenting issue. We DO have people come to this board who pretend to be people they are not and that has made it difficult to believe anyone.<P>Perhaps as a mom you will come to understand that parents make mistakes: your parents, you as a parent, we all make them and with the best of intentions. I think you are judging your parents harshly on the 'protection' issue. I'm glad your family is getting counseling.<P>Good luck with your new marriage. (Great time to affair-proof your own! Check out the Harley principles for a good marriage!)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B>gm,<BR>I apologize on the parenting issue. We DO have people come to this board who pretend to be people they are not and that has made it difficult to believe anyone.<P>Perhaps as a mom you will come to understand that parents make mistakes: your parents, you as a parent, we all make them and with the best of intentions. I think you are judging your parents harshly on the 'protection' issue. I'm glad your family is getting counseling.<P>Good luck with your new marriage. (Great time to affair-proof your own! Check out the Harley principles for a good marriage!) </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> I am sorry for my snotty answer but I get sooooo tired of the looks, the whispers and rudness. >y sister was almost 8 years older than me, her husband dided and ahe died ayear later so I amraising her little one and I hear comments all the time.<P>

My Mother had a daughter 2 years before I was born, she was put up for adoption and we located her ten years ago because my grandmother was feeling guilty because she made my mom give her up, it was 1960, I have no interest in knowing her and I do agree blood is not thicker than water, people are people and it takes more than blood to make a person care about you it takes a caring bond and you can not force anyone to feel something they don't feel can you and it is not fair to anyone to even try