I just thought I would let you all know that the results are back... The test is positive...the oc is my h's child. I have thrown one plate and one vase, broken them into little pieces. I am so angry and filled with hate that I can't see... I just want someone to wake me up and tell me this isn't real. It hurts so bad! I have informed my H, my father and my MIL that I no longer want to continue... I am tired of fighting. I am tired of crying. I am tired of unhappiness. I am TIRED! This feeling won't go away. Just when I think maybe something will go RIGHT for once, it backfires on me and I have to fight again! My H doesn't make enough money to pay the c/s that they are indicating will be in force, so I WILL HAVE TO HELP PAY IT! It's not fair!!!!!! Oh my god, I am so angry! How can I get through this? I don't feel strong anymore! I am tired of realities!!!! Whyyyyyy???????????

fightingirish,<BR>I am crying with you I'm so sorry. Things will be o.k. you can do this. I quit a job instead of getting one when I found out about oc. I couldnt even work. But we have made it just fine. These things have a way of working out. Hang in there and do what ever you have to to feel better just know we are here for you. with love flowerseed

Christ, I cringe when I see posts like this. It really drives home to me the hurt that I have been responsible for. I'm so sorry for the pain you are suffering. It is very unfair to be condemned in such an undeserving way. I cannot apologize for another's actions, but, for what it's worth, I can let you know that my heart goes out to you.

fighting irish:<P>I'm not sure if it's too late, but you may be able to file for "divorce" against your husband, to protect your assets from the child support. You should talk with a lawyer pronto!

Dear fightingirish,<P>We all know the pain you are feeling far too well. It is the sensation of being hit by a freight train but you are still standing. It is a pain that shakes you to your very core and makes you want to crawl into a hole and never emerge again.<P>Cry the pain out. You have earned the right to cry and to feel as if your world has broken into tiny pieces. The feeling may last for awhile. But know and understand that there will come a point when the sadness and the hurt start to wash over you instead of through you.<P>There will be a point when your strength will start to gather again and you will once again feel like living -- really living a full and wonderful life. Every one of us on this forum are living proof that you can and will make it through this horrible time in your life.<P>Time does remarkable things. Give yourself time to accept what has happened and to work through your feelings. Together, you and your H can rebuild your marriage and it can be wonderful again in a different and wiser way.<P>For now, indulge yourself and take care of you. Sending prayers and strength your way,<P>love,<BR>heavenly

I am so sorry for the pain. We all know the horrible feeling you have right now. It is something that goes to your core and is like finding out about some terrible illness that will never go away. It will always be there, just hopefully in a manageable form.<P>Do cry, scream and yell. Come here and post all the anger. We can take it better than some others can. Family members and friends do not have the unique perspective that we have. I know they mean well, but too often they say and do the wrong things without knowing. <P>This is not the end of life. It will be a different life, and yes... it is one that you did not plan on. Try as best you can to know that your H did not plan that either. But life can go on and it can be good. <P>Please take care and bee gentle on yourself right now. Carolyn

fighting irish,<P>i think posts like yours remind us all of that initial pain and anger and that feeling of no will to carry on. i remember those feelings, they are totally normal. i cried, i yelled, i was so sad. <P>heavenly said things perfectly (so glad you are back heavenly!!!!). i just said a prayer for you. things get better. it just takes time.<P>happy_girl

fightingirish, I am here for you. I am only 2 months into knowledge of Oc and affair, and believe it or not, I do have some days when I feel more like my old self.But there is a pain that won't totally go away, which I hope eases up some over time. Other women here say it does-trust it will too. Take care of yourself. The first 5 days I found out I was in bed a lot, I was sad, I cried, my H took care of me and our kids and I did not eat at all. Lost 10 pounds in 5 days. Still do not have my appetite back, but I am not losing anymore, and there are times I can look at my H and love him. He and I are working together to reclaim our life. Talk to your husband, tell him what you need. I know my H still gets tired of me wanting to discuss aspects of affair, have him tell me he is sorry, accept responsiblilty for his foolishness and mistakes,etc. Men sometimes think once is enough. I told him I need to hear it as much as I need it. If your h is remorseful, that will help. Tell him what you need.Take your time to decide what to do about marriage Go to counseling-if not together, for yourself.And nurture yourself.Also, I do not think you will have to pay the CS payments if H cannot do it, I do not think they can hold you responsible. You should check this out. Keep posting.

fighting,<BR>I remember the agony of that day well. I want you to know that every day from here on out will take you further and further away from that pain... It can get better and it will get better; it's just a damn bumpy ride in-between.<P>Angel wings surround you,<BR>J

Oh sweetie...I am sorry. I too got watery eyes just remembering what that felt like but as everyone mentioned, you do what you must to take care of you and time really makes a difference. Lighting a candle for you and please keep posting here, we will be here.<BR>Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

I am still here... How? I don't know. Why? I don't know. I called my father, a complete wreck, and asked him whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????? I am not trying to evoke pity, but bear with me...<P>I was born with my insides on the outside...it's called an omphalocele. In 1969 (yes, do the math, I'm 31) I was the 8th baby born in the world of this disorder to live. I was not expected to live past the age of 2.<P>My parents divorced when I was 2. I lived a very hard, abusive life with my mother. When I was 18 years old...ON my 18th birthday, my mother died of cancer. <P>I followed my mother's path and married a very abusive man...and had a beautiful child. I escaped with my life and my child's life after 4 years of abuse.<P>I met my husband...we've been married for 9 years. He adopted my daughter and we had a son. My father in law, the most wonderful man on the face of the EARTH died a bit over a year ago. Now we are here today with this HELL.....and I DON'T WANT ANYMORE DAMN PAIN!<P>My dad said to me, "You fought like a tiger when you came into this world...you were only a baby and you fought harder than anyone I'd ever seen. Find that baby inside of you and FIGHT!" <P>It's so hard. I just cry and cry and cry and scream and scream....and I want the OW to feel the pain that I am feeling!!!! I am questioning what my purpose is in life! Is there a God out there that can explain to me why I don't deserve happiness????? How much pain can one individual endure???? The worst part of it is, after all I've been through, I can honestly say that this is the the worst pain...this is the worst thing...EVER!!! <P>I have HUGE dreams! My mother always told me that I would never become anything and I was bound and determined to prove her wrong!!! Now I feel I am back to square ONE! I feel like if I was worth something, THIS wouldn't have happened!!!!! I am so angry!!! Why is this child worth MORE as far as the State of Colorado than MY TWO KIDS????? I don't understand any of this? Why don't the wives and children have any rights if they stay???? WHO PROTECTS US??????<P>I am sorry if I seem completely irrational...hopeful I have not frightened you all away! I am not throwing things anymore, if that helps. I did dice the OC's picture up into little tiny pieces with a butcher knife. Little relief came from that... Nevermind the Irish/German temper thing.... I will keep checking the posts and finding strength in all of you, because lord knows I and having a heck of a time on my own!<P>~Irish

fightingirish,<P>hang in there. i agree with your dad. you came into this world and fought for your life, that baby fought for life for a reason. don't fail her. have faith in god. i know it is hard, we have all been there. <P>you are SOMEONE. you are important. you are loved. you are needed. your children love you and need you. don't let anyone tell you different. we are all nice people here, and this terrible thing has happened to us. god doesn't wish this on us, it doesn't happen to us because we deserve it. none of us deserve the pain and suffering that we have had to go through. it just happens. kind of like cancer and other illnesses. i don't believe god sends them to us as a punishment. they are just things that we go through. we all have our problems. all marriages have their problems. i just have to read the news to make me aware of the things i DO have to be thankful for. that is hard to do too. but make a list. of all the good things, of all that you have to be thankful for.<P>this is unfair. you are absolutely right. i hope one day that changes. with bystander out there, it just might! <P>keep your chin up. you can and WILL make it through this. i have faith in you. and so does everyone here. remember the footprints poem... jesus is carrying you right now, there is just one set of footprints. let him carry you, let him help you through this. my prayers for you. <P>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited April 17, 2001).]

My Lord you are amazing!!!! You have been through such horrible situations in your life but you have perservered and do not seem bitter but warm and emotional and full of love. Do you not realize that you are truly a winner?<P>You are in shock right now and please take some LONG deep breaths to collect yourself. Everything will be okay, we (members of this forum) are living proof that our marriages can survive and yours will too. I know it doesn't feel like it but "This too shall pass", things are different and some things are lost but you can reinvent and your marriage can be stronger than ever. <P>I don't know how you feel about prayer but if you believe in it, it will become your foundation. Pray fighting Irish for prayer gets into places that people cannot.<P>You are one tough cookie and there is no doubt that you will come out of this better than you were going in. You are tired of all this crap I know, we all feels this way. You do get tired of feeling miserable but you feel miserable right now and tomorrow you will wake up and realize you are still alive that this didn't kill you and you become stronger as the days progress.<P>We are here for you, the road ahead of you is one long and difficult one but fightingirish you can perservere and win I promise. Take it one day at a time, include your husband in your grief and remember to take care of you. Do what makes you feel good (get your nails done, get a new haircut) and lastly enjoy your children.<P>You and your family will be in my prayers.

Hey Kiddo!<P> You will get through this. You're tough, you're Irish!!!<P> This will hurt like nothing you've ever felt before, but I promise, IT WILL GET BETTER!! <P> Get some counseling, medication, excercise, sleep, and come here to talk to people who are going through the same thing. God does not give you what you can't handle, you're stronger than you think!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

God, I know how you feel. I'm 9 months past d-day of ow/oc and still trying to reconcile. I've been away for a while due to us relocating, but wanted to let you know that I'm feeling the same things you are. Just yesterday I informed my H in therapy that I never thought that I would be BACK to where I was 14 years ago, where I battled betrayal, depression, anorexia, and the feelings of absolute no self-worth. It took every fiber of my being to get back up and want to live outside of the safe confines of the hospital walls which shielded me from the world for a short time, but I did, and loved life, especially that which I had found with my H.<BR>Then D-Day came...I have a 5 month old son(I was pregnant with him when I learned of the OW/OC) and can relate to the stress you are under.(He too laughs as I cry!)<BR>You are worth something...especially to those little ones! They love you unconditionally, and I thank God for them every day as they pick me up and hug me and help me to wipe my tears and thoughts away as they ask me to read a book or play.<BR>I too feel the feelings everyday, and am still very resentful, angry, and hurt, and unfortunately still am letting my H see that every day too. It is true that in time the pain stings less, yet it is there...I will not lie. <BR>Glynton: It is funny that you said that God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I have been saying since I found out about this that God must have overestimated me this time!<BR>Just wanted to let you know I could relate!Hang in there and keep fighting!!!!God Bless.<BR>NGU

fightingirish, I know the pain. My father died 1 month after my 2nd child was born, I had 5 miscarriages including a set of twins, and I endured chronic pain for 8 years in my 30;s. I too told my H this is worse than anything I have endured, including death of father, I think death of husband. Sounds awful, but true. It is a ripping kind of pain through your soul that is unbearable, but all who have written before me are correct-it gets better, although not forgotten, you have a right to your feelings, your H must be there for you, and you are one of the strongest people I know to have endured what your life has given to you so far. Think of your beautiful kids- I look at mine and think I will be dammned that OW/OC will destroy my mothering of my family and take away something I fought hard for.do the same for your beautiful little ones, when you can. And I love the shredding of the OC's photo-I feel the same way.

Hey Irish,<P> NGU reminded me of another thing my grandpa Lynton used to say; "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger." We must all be friggn' supermen( or superwomen!), right?!!!<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

[QUOTE]Originally posted by heavenlybody26:<P>"It is the sensation of being hit by a freight train but you are still standing. It is a pain that shakes you to your very core and makes you want to crawl into a hole and never emerge again."<P>Yes, this is exactly how I feel. I call it the Black Hole. My SIL just got kicked out of my house because she stood here in front of me, on this HELL day, and defended the OC. I am supposed to pretend that everything is A-OK around my children and not cry or yell or anything. I am supposed to be "the strong one". I am tired of both of our families sticking up for this child and my H. Oh EVERYONE hates the OW.....but that's all they comprehend, so I'm stuck out in left field, feeling like an over-reacting idiot! How is this right? Now my kids are crying, I am crying, H is crying and my SIL will probably not speak to me for years. All of this for ONE NIGHT OF SEX!!!!?????? Dear God....<P><p>[This message has been edited by fightingirish (edited April 17, 2001).]

Hey Irish,<P><BR> I'm so sorry, so very sorry. No one should have to feel what you're feeling. I know how much this hurts. <P> I'm so sorry kiddo.<P> God bless you,<P><P>------------------<BR>Gregg

I REALLY need to go do my bills!!!!<BR>I feel so bad for you...it is so hard to be strong in the ocean of pain we feel right now. I said the same thing today to a friend...I totalled up how much cs we will have paid her by the time the child is 18 and nearly died, and thought, "an awfully high price to pay for sex!"<BR>I remember the day we got the paternity papers back...my H was sure he was the father though, and had already paid her some of the support, (my God he is so trusting of HER!) and even though he felt it was his, I can't deny the pain I felt holding the piece of paper that verified it. It seemed as if my last chance was just used up.<BR>I try to be strong, but cry easily and unfortunately my kids see it alot. They are young, but perceptive. They love me, and I tell them how much I need them everyday! Accept the love they give, thrive off of the hugs and cuddles. I also feel better when I give it back to them, cuz right now I feel pretty alone...and it just feels better to give to someone who doesn't expect it back right away.<P>GLynton: Grandpa Lynton sounds like a special and smart man!<P>Hang in there! Keep posting and God Bless!<BR>BTW: heres a hug to you...(((((FightingIrish))))))<BR>