My h is having 2nd thoughts of writing a joint letter to OW. thinks sending her a letter may incite her to create more chaos in our life, and since she has left us alone for 2 months except for her attempt to send an Easter card, which we sent back unopened, he thinks that is enough of a message. I realize cannot send letter without his total agreement, but wonder if he is right about this. I think it still would be important to send her a letter presenting a clear united front, stating our expectations about no contact, etc. He says he will write a letter such as that if she persists in more attempts at contact. I see his point, but wonder what other people think. How many of you have done such a letter? how many have not? Do you think it is always needed? would appreciate comments, I felt powerful thinking about writing and sending it, on that I agree with Cdcollins who speaks of taking offensive with OW.I felt stronger, happier just composing possible letter.ON other hand, I know H knows OW, I do not, and I do not want to do anything to incite her. Plus, maybe if she remains quiet and not bothering us, that is sufficient.What do you all think?

Isb,<BR>maybe it IS better not to send another thing unless she continues contacting you/H. I think Harley says official word is best, but since you and H are having trouble agreeing on what the official word to her should be, leaving it as is isn't a bad second choice.

Isb,<BR>Go a head and write the letter you dont have to actually send it. A lot of people have composed letters but never actually sent them. My h had already told ow before I knew anything was going on that it would never happen again. I really dont think she got it through her head until she seen that we were a team. The look on her face when me and h walked into the room when we went for the blood work was something I'll never forget. Gettin the easter card back should tell her something. with love flowerseed

Dear lsb,<BR>I suggest that you and h sit down together and write the letter, with the agreement that it will not be sent unless ow attempts to contact him again. Then, the next time she makes an attempt, the letter will be ready and waiting. Even if she never tries to contact him again (which aint real likely), you and your h will have have gone through the process of writing down your terms, which in itself is very healing.<P>If you write your sample letter and post it, I will be glad to lend a hand in critiquing it, and I'm sure everyone else will too.<BR>with love,<BR>cd

I think "let sleeping dogs lie" applies here literally. If she resumes contact, then send a letter.But I must tell you. On various other forums, I have read many posts by ow who have received letters,e-mails,etc, from their xmm.THey ususally say "oh, i am sure his wife was standing right over him ,making him write this." And then they just disregard it totally and blame it on the controlling wives.These women live completely in a fantasy world. They are masters of rationalizations and justifications. So, as far as doing it as a united front, I agree, but as a deterrent(sp) for the ow ,don't count on it.

lsb:<P>If the two of you have not reached an enthusiastic agreement on the letter, than it shouldn't be written. Keep brainstorming, and see what happens.<P>You don't necessarily need a "no contact" letter to recover from this. If your husband is being completely honest with you (something you MUST encourage by receiving honesty without lovebusting---which is one of the valid points LW has been bringing up), and he's really over the OW in terms of withdrawal---you can probably just use a "wait and see" approach. As has been suggested, perhaps the two of you preparing a letter and sending it should there be any more contact is a reasonable solution.<P>In our case, my wife never sent the "no contact" letter. That didn't concern me because at the time the OM was threatening her with pursuing custody of the (yet to be born) child. That spells LOVEBUSTER in 30'-high letters---after he started showing those colors, I had little concern that the affair would restart.<P>Remember, it's very important to rebuild love between the two of you right now, by making all decisions using the POJA. It can be difficult at these times, but you'll be sure to take into account each other's feelings, and no (thoughtless) unilateral decisions will be made. <P>Again, the key component of MarriageBuilder's is to learn new behaviors designed on building and sustaining romantic love between partners. No matter what happens with the OW and the OC, you'll be in much better shape if the two of you love each other and take each other's feelings into account during all decision-making.

Dear lsb,<P>I wanted very much for my H to send "no contact" letter and he agreed to go along with it, draft it with me and post it together.<P>At the last minute, we had an in-depth talk about why he had procrastinated and not agreed to send the letter earlier. I had believed he was not interested because he did not want to completely close the door on the OW.<P>Much to my surprise, he told me that he was horribly afraid that the OW would launch an offensive that would make things worse for us both financially and emotionally. He reminded me that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and the OW was full of fury over ending up with the OC but no H! <P>We then agreed that the important thing for us was to communicate our feelings to each other. In one serious conversation, he had dispelled my own image of his attachment to the OW and made it clear that he WAS putting our family first. <P>The letter would have been a great momentary thrill, but if it meant she would seek more money, or make calls to our home or our relatives homes, or (God forbid) approach our children -- then that thrill was not worth it. So, we agreed to "let the sleeping dog lie".<P>love,<BR>heavenly

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heavenly, you and your H?s situation about the other letter to OW is so like our situation, and you make a lot of sense. In our case, I think the letter could inflame the OW, so we are letting it go for now, but if she persists in contact with H or veiled contact to him via cards from baby child, I will talk with him again about writing letter. I agree with CD collins- I think this is not the last we will hear from her.

ISB, my H would not write a letter to OW. But in my case, they work together and still do. He insisted that OW would get nasty and go to upper management, which would get him fired and perhpas she might get a big fat settlement check (under pretense of harassement... which was NOT there). <P>It has gone on and on with my H not breaking contact. At one point he called her on the phone in front of me to say he was wrong in his actions and wanted to not talk to her any more. But they were very soon back at it. But again, I think it was all about them continuing to work together. <P>Also, our OW gets $1,500 a month from my H. And that is with me having a CS agreement in place first (which caused her to be figured after my son's money was deducted). If I had not had that CS order, she would be getting close to $2,000 per month. I think that is more than enough to raise a child. Guess it all depends on who you sleep with. She targeted him. Period. The OC has never lived in the lifestyle that my boys have had (which.. I may add is also at the level it is at because I work fulltime and raised my H's daughter by first marriage so he could pursue his career). Anyway... it just makes me sick to think about what my boys have to give up. I have even offered to take OC in joint custody, but OW will not hear of it. Will not even allow child to visit in my home. Geezz... it is unreal.<P>Good luck with the no contact. I hope your H is more steadfast in his resolve than mine is. I will be divorcing soon. All over that contact issue. Take care... Carolyn

takingcare, I know what you mean, I have also thought my H does not want to write no contact because maybe he really doesn't. But I think it is for him no contact with OC that he is hurting, he knows the fact he kept in fantasy life with OW/OC has made it harder for him to separate from child, and he is mourning that loss. OUr therapist says that is best for child, for he and OW to move on, and let she find a real father for OC, not him, which may not be good for child. I agree. I understand his need to mourn, will support that, hope his pain lessens as his time away from child goes on, because without no contact with OC I was going the way you are going-divorce, and he could not bear losing all his kids and me. I believe he is over OW, but who knows-says he and she really had little in common, not on a long term basis.What upsets me though, he seems to have no ill will toward her at all-where I do, feel she trapped him into using no protection(her wishes) for her selfish desire for child, sought CS after she said she would do it alone even though he talked with her about abortion/vs . adoption. She woulnd't do it-now she impacts my life. Anyway, I am sorry you are headed for divorce.Take care, take care.

lsb,<P>lsb:<P>Again, you're not getting the message here. Or you're just one of these denial women who only wants to believe in one thing and refuses to see the reality of the whole situation.<P>The reason why your H doesn't have any ill feelings towards OW because he still have feelings for her. And most of these H's tell their wives they don't love OW's anymore but the reality, most of them goes back to OW's in no time. Sad but true!<P> Two, maybe Ow didn't trap H for getting pregnant (it is only you who thinks that OW trapped your H), Third, he might have supported OW at the end in keeping OC because of his love for her and Oc and that's why, H seems to want to continue contact with OC. Remember ladies, all Oc's also deserves love, care and support just like your kids in marriage. <P>Goodluck to you all.<BR>

lsb, i think you should only write the letter for yourself. Sounds theraputic(spelling?). But do not send it without you and H talking and agreeing to do so. I have one question....lesw whose side are you on? Dont get me wrong, i agree the child needs love,etc...but you almost sounded rude. Im new here, is this just how you post....im refering to style.If so i do apologize! Well lsb i hope it works out.does H have a relationship with his child? Good Luck

Cardinal,<P>Angry women in this board tends to be very presumptuous. they think, they are the only victims, they think they are the only ones are hurting, they believe in every word their husbands tells them so wives will put all the blame to OW's and OC's . then BW's condemns OW's and OC's which is unfair. To me, until each side has been heard, Ow's and Oc's shldnt be judged as if they dont have feelings either. I understand and feel for all your pain but when you judge make sure, its all done in fairness.

LesW, I agree. I also know for myself I am ususally asking a legitimate question and they attack me. I know that my style can be abrassive, but that has always been my personality to be blunt. I can't necessarily help that. But my questions aren't meant to hurt, just to understand better.

Ladies we need some of your fine cooking ideas over here. I cant do anything right at the moment I'm having a hard time shaking off the giggles. with love flowerseed

Ladies, please do not use such generalities as "they". As in all things in life... there are many dimensions and perspectives. OW are not all the same. BS are not all the same. <P>If I have responded in anger or with the attitude that I am the only victim or that OC is somehow responsible for allthis, please let me know. I do not feel that I have been ugly to anyone on this board. If I have, please bring it to my attention. Otherwise, please do not roll everyone into the same catagory. That is horribly prejudicial and exemplifies exactly what you are stating other do to you. <P>As always... I examine MY intent and purpose with most every action. Please.. I ask that each of us all do the same. A simple question to ourselves "what am I trying to accomplish"... will go a long way in avoiding misunderstanding and conflict. Unless that is the intent. <P>Carolyn

Hoooraahhhhhh... LW.<P>I wish you all women in pain to be more open-minded, considerate and not selfish. <P>My questions actually are always addressed for everybody but most of these angry women here tends to be very specific and attacks the poor OW's/Oc's personally so replies shld be directed to them personally too. <P>I just want you all to know that not all OW's are bad person. Most of them are also victims like you like guys and have feelings too. <P>ANd most especially, I want you all to remember, that all OC's regardless of the way they were conceived, they are INNOCENT, no matter how you put it, they are INNOCENT. <P>

TakingCare - Very true. One of the reasons I refer to "them" is not to be insulting. But the majority of the people on here have responded in a very negative hateful way. But some of you have been very nice and helpful. Thank you for that and i will try to talk more one on one then using a generality.

I do not recall one person here attacking the <BR>other child. I personally wish the oc was never<BR>conceived during the two minute lack of judgement<BR>that my h is guilty of. You have NO IDEA the heartbreak<BR>each of us, husbands included, go through on a DAILY<BR>basis. What you fail to recognize is that we actually<BR>have more concern for the child then his/her own<BR>mother. There is no one right way to deal with this.<BR>Every ones situation is different. Just as we can<BR>not generalize all ow as bad, you can not say our<BR>h's lack morals because they are trying to save their<BR>marriages and families. <BR>Over and over so many wonderful people here have<BR>tried to show you the light but you are the ones<BR>who refuse to see. How can you kick someone while<BR>they are down? <BR>I challenge you to never again make a mistake in<BR>your life, and to rise above all the bulls**t when<BR>things get tough in your life. <BR>Good luck.