Dear Anniem,<P>I posted a reply to you under your post to me -- Heavenly? Have fallen into the "pit" you described. Please reply, I am worried about you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited April 18, 2001).]

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Hi,<P>Sorry for the delay in responding to your comments. Haven't been able to visit the forum much this week.<P>Heavenly, thank you for the many words of wisdom you wrote in response to my "in the pits" post. I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I know you are absolutely right. I think on some level I knw that I must do what you suggest if true healing is ever to happen. I also know that isolating myself as I have done has removed what little support network I once had, and that must change too.<P>We have returned to counseling with a new counselor, and I think he may finally be a source of help to us. We have gone to three during the last 2 1/2 years and none has done much to help in our recovery, but I think our new one may be a good choice. He is seeing H and I separately for a few sessions before he sees us together to get a real perspective on what our individual issues are. I am somewhat encouraged by this. He has already made some very interesting observations which I'll share later.<P>Right now I just want to say thank you for your concern. It feels so good to have the support I have received here this week. I intend to participate more instead of just lurking all the time. I think I owe that to myself and to others here who are also in pain.<P>God Bless.<P>love, anniem

Dear anniem,<P>Counselling helped my H and I tremendously at the beginning. There are a lot of charlatans in the counselling business and we also had to shop around before finding one that made us feel comfortable.<P>The one that did us the most good started off the same way as yours -- talking to each of us separately before bringing us together to discuss things. So, hopefully, this one will do the trick.<P>The most important thing our counsellor got through my H's head was that I need to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about the A. I need to have all of my questions answered, no matter how painful. This was very hard for him, since like many men, he did not want to keep going over things that were painful to me and embarrassing to him.<P>But, I kept reminding him of what the counsellor had said and I also kept reassuring him that the information would be used for healing not to perpetuate more anger. And, believe me, even after years pass by, it is hard not be angry when you hear some things.<P>I also want to tell you something that I learned recently from counselling. Women tend to get caught up on the lies that our H's told during the A. But they say that men are very different and that the lying is only to do whatever it takes to make sure that we don't find out and the marriage is not damaged. Unfortunately, lying sometimes takes on a life of its own and gets out of hand. But, think of the lies as his own way of protecting you from what he was doing, rather than further hurting you.<P>It made things a bit better for me to think of it this way. Let me know how the counselling goes and stay in touch with all of us -- you need our support and we are glad to give it.<P>Blessings to you,<P>love,<BR>heavenly