Dear LesW<P>I've been thinking a lot about what you've been saying. Basically, you believe that your ex's wife should be willing to accept your child into her marriage. As it happens, I am one of the wives who wants very much to include oc in my life, but ow is resistant to the idea. We are forced to pursue visitation/custody through the court system. Wouldn't it be neat if we could switch things around, and have you be "our" ow. You and I would obviously get along well, since we both feel that the oc should be included as much as possible in her father's life. (I can't remember if you said your child is a boy or a girl, but I'll assume it is a girl, for the purpose of this post.) lets pretend for a minute that it's possible to wave a magic wand and make that happen. Let me tell you a little bit about how wonderful it's going to be for you to have me involved in your child's life.<P>first, I am assuming that you have a trust fund or some huge inheritance to live off of. That's going to be very important. Because if you have to work for a living (to supplement your cs check) that might screw things up a bit. You see, I am currently working as a computer teacher. My contract allows me to do the majority of my work at home. I only have to actually leave the house 3-6 hours per week, and I schedule those hours so that they are during times that my h can be home with the children. so that means I can provide your child with a full-time at-home parent. That, and the fact that we have a more 'stable" environment (married vs. single life) makes us much better candidates to have full custody of this child, at least in the eyes of the court.<P>Also, if you haven't gotten any further education/certification in the area of children's mental health, you may want to consider doing so now. I have vast experience in working with troubled children, and i have been publicly recognized for my ability to inspire delinquent youth to succeed in the classroom. I am also certified to provide respite care for foster children, so I have the state's stamp of approval. You better bone up, my dear, because you don't want to seem less qualified to raise this child.<P>Next, I certainly hope that you don't drink, even socially, because if you do I will encourage my h to seek legal help to remove the child from your care. Same goes for smoking. Better not even think about recreational drug use- that's a definite no-no. And you better hope your little girl is a very coordinated child, because if ever we see as much as a bruise or a skinned knee, we will have to call in Children and Youth to investigate. It's not that h and I would want to get you in trouble. we are just concerned with the oc's welfare. Oh, yes, and you probably better invest in a chastity belt. Heaven forbid you would ever consider having a "friend" spend the night at your house. In our state, that's grounds for losing custody. the noncustodial parent has the legal right to insist that his child is not exposed to premarital sex. If your future boyfriends want to stay over, they'll have to "buy a ring" first. I'm sure that will really add flavor to your social life.<P>Hmm, what else? Oh I know...I certainly hope that you were blessed with thick skin. That's so you don't mind too much when your daughter is the flowergirl at our "renewing of the vows" ceremony. I'm certain that you will smile when she comes home and tells you how beautiful and handsome we looked, and how in love we looked. Oh, and I'm sure you won't mind your daughter calling me mommy when she's here. I'll never ask her to do that, but when she's around our boys and hears them call me that, it will be most natural for her to follow suit. Of course you wont mind how we go all out to make each and every visit she has with us special. Just because every day can't be "fun" day at your house doesn't mean we shouldn't take her fantastic places and buy her all kinds of gifts when she is here. And I hope that you have lots of friends and family to spend every other holiday with, because otherwise being alone might bring you down. Naturally, you will want your daughter to spend every other holiday with her father, right? I'm sure that it won't bother you at all knowing that she is waking up Christmas morning with her daddy and her "other" mommy.<P>I feel I must particularly caution you about the teen years. Almost every teenager goes through a rebellious stage. Don't be too upset when you and daughter have a fight, which you invariably will. You'll never have to worry about times when you two aren't getting along, because I will ALWAYS be there with a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. Trust me. And I'll never, ever, say anything bad about you, her "real" mother. I won't have to...<P>I also pray that you never find and marry a man that you really want to have adopt your baby. Because by then I will love her too much to ever allow that to happen. But I know that you are willing to forsake ever having a "normal" life, because the most important thing is that the child has us, and especially her father, in her life.<P>Well, that's what our life together would be like, LesW. It is certainly a shame that we don't have that magic wand, isn't it?<P>Be very careful what you wish for.<P>cdcollins<p>[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited April 18, 2001).]

I'm sorry about the confusion, I am the other woman (OW). i'm stating what happened about the affair i had with a married guy and where the OC stands now.<P>

CD,<P>I don't think she understood what you were getting at! I know that I did, and again, I applaud you.<P>Tigger

of course, i understood what she said, duh!<P>yes, i will be very scared to look for a man that will end of same kind of one your h's who's a cheater!

Well it truly is sad that you think that makes you a great person who is qualified to work with children. Number one as a licensed foster parent (full time) in my state I know that making false allegations against people is a crime. All parents know that children bruise etc...and to call CPS for that is a false allegation without support. It's no wonder the OW wants nothing to do with you. You don't have the child's best interest at heart you have your vengence at heart! GROW UP.

you're very wrong. i dont drink, i dont smoke, dont do drugs and dont sleep around, like your husbands!<P>I admit it was very wrong to get into an inappropriate relationship. i m just human who made a mistake and shld not be condemned and blamed all together esp. OC.<BR>

All you BW's, you will always be bitter and hateful all the time. I dont envy you.<P>I can take care of my child myself and everybody in my family and friends already applauded me for the good job i've done so far. But i'm the type that wont stop her father from seeing her if he wants to. If he decides to ignore her, that's fine with me too. <P>i am not a loser like you guys.<P>sorry and goodluck!

LesW,<BR>Good point, they assume the OW is the slut when actually it was their husband! And remember for everytime you catch a bad act there is usually 10 times you didn't catch. So make sure your husband has not and is not cheating numerous times like most slutty men.

LW, I just wonder how the BW's will react if actually my OM is her H? that her H was the slut. right now, they are in denial of accepting this truth and throwing the blame and accusations to OW/OC. They didnt know, OW/OC were victims too.<P>I will have my last laugh if they refuse to believe me. HAHAHA...

cdcollins, I loved what you wrote, may one day send it to my OW. I think she has gravely mistaken what life would be like for her should we become involved with OC. She thinks all would be great, but she sorely forgets what she would miss, how involved I would become, what her child would compare with what my kids have and how they live and how child lives, etc. I loved the letter.<BR>For lesw and lurking woman, my husband does not have a history of being unfaithful. He does not believe what has happened at all was the right thing to do, he deeply regrets his affair, and <BR>a month after ending it with OW he had no thoughts of her whatsomever. NO thoughts at all. whereby I think of her constantly, he has no thoughts of her. He admits he used her for sex, and she did the same since when they first met she was in a rather unhappy marriage and was in the process of getting a divorce. I think she used H far more than he used her, as he had never been with another woman before other than me-and I was always completely honest about safe times for sex, used contraception, etc. even while we have been married. In part, I blame the pregnancy on his naivity about this stuff and OW's recklessness and desire for a child, since she had none and apparently told him she always wanted kids. INterestingly she claimed her Catholic upbringing prevented use of contraception, but somehow she failed to follow the CAtholic teaching of extramarital affairs. Convenient how it works for you when you want it too. I blame both H and OW for it all, but blame OW more since I know H had no intention of wanting child, OW did. I think she set him up, even though you would think he would know better. I have no fear he is cheating now, especially with her, because I have seen what my hurt is doing to him. He knows he may have lost all for rolls in the hay with a mean, vicious woman. He has cried and become suicidal thinking I may never forgive him, and he may lose all he has worked to be. WE have been together most of our life, and he says he cannot imagine being with another woman, we have so much life together not to give up./the other woman knew this, yet persisted in having a child knowing she would link us to her forever. my hope is she finds a man to be in her life, father child, adopt the child and do the right thing by child.NOt what she wants, but what is right for child. Again, even our therapist said that is what would be best for child, and hopefully the OW will do what is best for child.

you just never know! I feel sorry for all of you esp. those who doesnt know their H's history. <P><BR>Let me ask you LSB: what about if your H' does have history of being unfaithful? that he was sleeping around and you didnt know. what would you do? I bet, you will still patronize him, right? same way with all other women here. <P>goodluck to you all. patronize habit.<P><BR>

You state that your husband has no history of cheating, how do you know? Like I said many men cheat and don't get caught. Regarding what your therapist thinks is right for the child, your therapist does not know the child. Your therapist isn't the foster parent, social worker, or teacher dealing with the child that has been rejected by a parent. Also if your therapis is telling you what is best for the child she isn't doing her job, a therapists job is to listen and let you work through the problems, they are not supposed to give opinions. Only ask questions and listen as to direct you in a healing manner. But then again, what would I know I am only a foster parent, who works first hand with many of the children you women chastise for your husbands infidelities!

Remember Ladies, men only say things that women wants to hear. They wont admit to their darkest secrets if not proven guilty. <P>In my situation here, OM has multiple history, and even said horrible things about his Wife, how ugly she was, wears too much make-up, how slobby she was, whiner, selfish, self-centered, how stupid she was and more ugly stuffs . If you were this wife, how would you feel? <P>another thing, if H's tells you they dont think of OW or dont love OW anymore, that's baloney. they just want you to make you feel good. Because he wants to keep the marriage. Well, that's all that matters to you all anyway, right. as long as the marriage is intact, you shldnt care about his history anymore. how slut or how unfaithful he's been.<P>whewww.....<P>

You know what I just realized? LW and LesW? You are completely right! My H has a horrible history of cheating. He seduced ow. He made her pregnant. He ran out on his responsibilities. He left her all alone and came home with me and our daughter. What an A**! He is probably out screwing some poor woman right now. She has no idea what a deadbeet he is. Why am I still here???? I need to go and call my lawyer. You have made me see the error of my ways...I need to get a divorce and he needs to pay for ever knocking me up.<p>[This message has been edited by broken_wings (edited April 18, 2001).]

MAJORITY OF THE OW KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE GETTING THEMSELVES INTO. SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN IS TROUBLE NO MATTER HOW YOU SEE IT. THE OW AND OUR H IS NO VICTIM IN ANY OF THIS. THE VICTIM IS THE WIFE,KIDS FROM MARRIAGE, AND OC.IT SEEMS LIKE TO ME THEY WANTED TO BE PAID FOR HAVING THE OC THAT'S WHY MOST OF THEM GO TO COURT FOR CS.

Why are you two still here???Go to that TOW site and let them all know what a great job you did over here, pissing us off. But remember you all are alone, and we all have families and are trying to make the best of our situations. Go and try and make the best of yours, only leave us all out. Your nasty words are only going to come back and haunt you, isn't that why your lives are so screwed up and you are alone, I am not alone. My h made only one mistake he got drunk and had sex in the bathroom at a bar one time only. The ow is and was a pig to do that, what kind of woman does that, men are all pigs and will take what they can get, I will admit mine was and he will admit it too. He is regretful and is making up for it to his family and the oc, but the ow, the pig she is, is cashing her checks and refuses visitation, she is going to lose soon in court. The bad in all and anyone never wins, and you two will not beat us here, you give me more to fight with and to know that in my life's problems with people like you around I am blessed and lucky for my family and friends. I pity you and laugh at you, you were really annoying me but now you are only a source of entertainment, pitiful and funny. HAHAHAHA to your sad lives. GAbi1116

Oh by the way, CD, Bravo to your opening thread, I could not have said it better. Actually, I am going to copy and save it. I may send it to our ow, this is my goal, to do all you have said in your post. She wanted to share my life, have my h, blackmail him, threaten to ruin is life over a one night stand, she takes $ every month and makes my children go without, while she sits home jobless, the huge slap in her face is when she will have to share her child with my family. She fights aganist it but wants the $, well she is near the end of her fight, and will lose, if she wants to share my life she has to share hers. Gabi1116

<B>Ladies and any Gents who may view or post here</B><P><BR>Let's all try and play nice here. How about keeping <B> disrespectful judgments </B> or comments out of here? Just like the <B> Marriage Builder Principles</B> state. We should also use these very valuable principles here on the site when dealing with one another.<P><BR>In advance I appreciate each of you and your cooperation on this matter.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Xarelel</B><BR><I>Moderator of Pregnancy/Child Forum <BR>& CO-Moderator of Recovery Forum</I><P><p>[This message has been edited by Xarelel (edited April 18, 2001).]