My marriage has been considerably rocky for 3 years now, first with H's affair (for going on 3.5 years now), and with my affair (5 months during H's and my longest separation). <BR>I was on the verge of moving back in with H, was breaking up with OM, and, well...now I am PROBABLY pregnant (I can't take the test for another couple days). H and I are talking, OM does not call or email me at all, and has no idea of my situation.<BR>I feel like a complete idiot.<BR>H is not really telling me how he feels, and I would like some insight as to what might be going on in his head.<BR>Don't hold back, I really want to know. All i know is how rotten and stupid and horrible I feel, and trying to figure out HIS feelings is too much for me, but i need to wake up and smell the coffee.<BR>julie

Dear lWb,<P>Well, all I can say is that I have sortof been where you are now. The major difference, H and I were not seperated(at least in that sence, he was on a 6 mo. deployment with the military)My H was told about the affair( I was forced to do so by OM) before we knew that I was pregnant. It seemed strange when he told me about his reaction at the time, but now I can understand it. Basically, he was very pi$$ed and ended up breaking one of the plastic chairs from the front yard. He ended up telling me about a week later that his reaction was due to the fact that he hadn't been faithful to me at the time either. Yes, there will be anger, pain, resentment, and possibly self-loathing. I am by no means excusing what either of us did, and we are working on building a stronger marriage together. If you both truly love eachother, it can be worked through. I had my baby about a month ago, and H is raising it as his. He loves her just as much as our other D. In fact, when talking about blood types and stuff, H said that it didn't matter, she is his no matter what. It can work, but you both have to be willing to work together. Definately look up the Harley's principals, and get some of their books to read together. You may also look into their counceling. <P>Hopefully, K will be along to give you the H's point of view on this situation. Above all else, you do need to tell your H about the whole thing. Total honesty is BEST!<P>Good luck, and we will pray for you.<P>Tigger

thanks, tigger. to my own shame, i've been around MB for almost 2 years now. I KNOW what to do, just didn't (H would NOT EVER give OW up, and refused to divorce me...I was at the end of my rope).<BR>Thanks for the sympathy,<BR>julie

Julie,<P>Did H ever give you a reason for not wanting to give OW up? Have you ever read any of the books by Dr. Harley? I wish I could give you further advice, but I am drawing a blank right now. Is H still involved with OW now? I do know that your marriage can't and won't survive with OW/OM still involved. I know, you said that OM hasn't contacted you at all, but you need to be sure there is the complete break. Again, this is survivable, but you both have to want it to work.<P>Tigger

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LWB,<P>If you and your husband are talking, are you doing so using "complete honesty"? I'd suggest that as the first step towards reconciliation. As the second step, you should be using the POJA to sort out your various options (abortion, adoption, telling the OM, husband raising, etc.) until you both can come to an "enthusiastic" agreement.<P>I can't get inside your husband's head to tell what he's feeling, but I'd suggest that you encourage his honesty by completely refraining from lovebusters when he discusses these issues with you.

tigger-H has claimed for 2.5 years now that he has no contact with OW, but it's all been lies. He's living 320 miles from her now, and he has our 2 young children (and a 3 yo is much like a tape recorder, thank heavens), so i don't think he's seeing her, but last time i went to his house i saw his guilty phone bill. I'm now 2500 miles away from both OM and H, i had to get away from both of them to think (home to mama's ), and i'm trying to decide where to go next. <P>H and I were LB'ing all over each other until yesterday, and things suddenly got better...i haven't thought about what we are doing differently to make it better, but i will today, and see if i can re-create it.<P>OM has my number, but he has no phone, and has only called me once 2 weeks ago. Some of my stuff is at his house, but i can talk to him through his mom. I also wrote a no-contact letter of sorts to him, at H's request.<P>OM's not calling me sure made withdrawal quick and relatively painless, which is good.<P>flowerseed-thanks!<P>K- you are the voice of reason, as usual <BR>Yes, I've been very honest with H. there were some things i had fudged about when i was with OM, but I'm not holding back. (I'm still accused of lying, of course, just like i still accuse H of lying to me, but i trudge along with the truth anyway). <P>We are still trying to come to an agreement about what to tell OM at this point. H and i are both torn between "no-contact" and "make him take responsibility"...im leaning towards getting an abortion, but H doesn't want to pay for it. I see his point. H wants me to abort it, too. It was MY mistake, I'll earn the money for it (if OM can't even afford a phone line, or to take care of his other child-also out of wedlock- then it seems pointless to call him, i think).<BR>anyway, i'll keep the lovebusters to a minimum...maybe that's what happened yesterday...i quit harping on HIS affair for a few minutes and a fog of hatred lifted...<P>julie

lwb:<P>If the OM can't afford a phone, it's unlikely that he can afford an abortion. <P>Although I (personally) am against abortion, one issue with adoption is that once the baby is born, the OM has "rights". While the child is unborn, you call the shots. It's a strange world we live in, sometimes.<P>I wish you the best, whatever the decision. Work on the lovebusters---both of you. Would your husband consent to show up here to get 'educated'?

Hey K, <P> Are you a marriage coach, and if not, WHY NOT!!<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

thanks to K and tigger for your support. thank god, though, im not pregnant. <BR>i think the possibility of it did bring H and me closer together, prove who i could depend on, and make me more thankful that my H is at least somewhat supportive of me.<P>H's been here, K, didn't post but once or twice, when he was deep in the affair and couldn't get the message here, but then he read it all later, and i think that's why he was plan A'ing me during my affair. thank god for that!<BR> <BR>anyway, back to "recovery", thanks again for your support,<BR>julie

Dear Love,<P> Happy to hear your news, should make things a little less complicated. You and your husband are in my prayers.<P><BR> God bless you,