my wife and i have had our problems over the years but always seamed to work them out. i was recently(about a week ago) brought to my attention that we didnt work them out and now we are at the most difficult period of our 11 yr relationship. we have let our emotionaly needs slide for quite a while and know that i realize that we are in a fight for our marriage i am trying to better myself and meet my wifes emotional needs. my problem is my wife says she wants to try and work things out but she says we have been down this road before and it leads right back to the same place. which i can understand but i am going to do everything in my power to better my self and meat her emotional needs. my problem is i cannot get her to talk to me and help me understand what areas i need to work on most. and then today she dropped a bombshell on me that she wants to seperate and move out! in my oppinion that is the worst thing we can do. i may be in the dark there but please let me know what you think of the seperation issue and give me any ideas on how i can encourage her to talk with me.

also as far as i know there are no affairs going on or have there ever been.

thanks for your help

Hi jbpal,

What I see is that your wife has built a wall between you and her that is why she is not talking. From what I have experienced and also see in your marriage is that the wall came with distrust. Your wife may feel like just giving up because, like she said...
we have been down this road, and it has lead back to the same place.

This statement shows me she doesn't trust your word. She may feel even if she does talk to you it won't matter(because it always ends up the same anyways). Then the wall gets built.

I guess what I'm learning is that consistency is very important. Tell her not to be afraid to talk. When she does talk, don't interupt her.
Don't say "oh your wrong!!" Just listen.
Be understanding, caring.

You cannot do anything if she does decide to seperate, but you can do your best, and let her know you would love her to stay, and work on love in the marriage.

Ladysheep

just a little update. i got my wife to talk with me and as of right now i have avoided the moving out issue i had to give up sleeping in my own bed with her but i think the sacrifice is well worth it. now that we have talked some i found out not only did we fall out of love but she told me she has no physical atraction to me. i have looked around the MB website quite a bit and i havnt seen in any information on how to deal with the physical attraction issue (or maybe i have just overlooked it.

could some one please help me with this issue or tell me were to find some information on it.

thank you

Hi jbpal,

I don't know what to say about that. Is that all your wife is looking for is "physical attraction?" She removed you from the bedroom for that??


Ladysheep

well i know there has been some emotional neglect on both sides and after i told here i wanted to do everything i could to work through that she said she wasnt physically atracted to me anymore.
so no thats not the only reason that i was removed from the bedroom. im just concerned if the physical atraction might be a side effect of the lack of emotional atraction. which i know we can work through the emotional part giving time but if the physical is not a side effect i dont know what to do. i really dont look that different than i did when we got married. maybe 10 lbs extra and a little gray on my head but other than that i dont think i look any different. i even pulled out the wedding picts and looked at them i just dont see a major difference. thats why i am wondering if it might be a side effect.

thanks

jbpal,
My heart goes out to you and your wife. I must tell you that I read your topic because of you public name...I asked my husband (seperated) to check out this sight yesterday and since JB are my initials I thought that might be him.

However, our stories aren't to much different. Beware...One thing leads to another...
I fell out of physical attration with my husband, due to not having my emotional needs not met. He depleted my LB with angry outbursts and such. He went searching for someone to fufill he's sexual needs and had numberous A's.

We've been seperated the past year and I just found this web site. You're lucky to have found it early...USE IT!!! Once you're seperated and out on your own, it complicates things.

Hi jbpal,

It must be difficult for you. Yes it does sound like the non-physical attraction is a side effect to the non-emotional attraction. But what will it solve if removed from the bedroom?
That just make it more unhealthy. I know at times we all sleep on the couch at one time or another, but being totally removed from the bedroom is different. I really hope and pray the marriage does get better for you both eventually.

Ladysheep

thank you for your support.

well my thought is that since we are not really having a sexual relationship and when we have in the past year it seems like it is only about once a mounth and because of that i feel like it might be kind of good to get out of the bedroom. lately that is were are all emotional conversations have been and then have been negative ones. so it should remove those conversations from the bedroom so that when i get back to that room we will not have as many negative emotional memories that took place in the bedroom to deal with and complicate things. i my be wrong in my oppinion. thats one of the hard things i am dealing with right now is my oppinions because my beliefs are probably not always the proper ones for a healthy relationship but i am working to correct those.

once again thank you for your support and thoughts.

also wanted to let you know that today is our 8th aniversary. its really tough but at least we are talking now. I bought my wife the same flowers that were in our wedding but i couldnt buy a card to give here because i didnt find anything that could describe how my feelings for her are and its dificult to says the things i am feeling in a letter. the last time i wrote a letter to my wife it was taken out of context and created more issues. so i am just going to try and talk with her and show her how i am feeling. and pray that she understands and doesnt get negative and critical.

Hi jbpal,

Happy Anniversary!!! Even though I know you would like it to be a happier one. That was
a sweet thought to get her the same flowers as
was in the wedding.

The good thing is that she is talking, so that is a plus!!

One thing that my husband always does even if I'm angry. Before sleeping at night he always gives me a kiss, and says goodnight. And sometimes it melts the anger away. Sometimes I think, how dare he do that when I'm so angry, but he does it anyway and it always helps.

Ladysheep

gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the second worst day of my life (the worst being my dad dieing when i was 19) in reality it probably isnt all that bad but it has been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride today. i just noticed i made a mistake in my first post. she isnt sure if she wants to work things out or not and it is killing me!! but atleast we are talking and comunicating now.

we went out for dinner tonight and it was so awkward. it was like we were strangers having our first date surrounded by cammeras. there was so much i wanted to say but couldnt like my emotions and thoughts would be broadcast over the air waves for every one to see and here. i know this shouldnt be an issue but i guess i am just scared afraid to be hurt more.

we came home had a little small talk then i told her there was something i had been thinking about all day and i really wanted to share it with her.
"about 8-10 months ago she kept telling me she wanted to have another baby and i kept saying no i am not ready right now lets talk about it later after the new year starts. well tonight i finally told here that my real reason for not wanting to have another baby at that time was i could tell there was something wrong in our relationship but at that time i was to stupid and scared to tell you how i really felt. i know this was something i should of done at the time but didnt know how or have the courage to do. i hope you can forgive me." then she just nodded and said you should have said it then. followed by alot of sillence.
we talked a little bit more about should haves. then she said "i really think it would be best if i move out." i could feel my heart trying to be ripped out again. i follow up with "i know you think it would be a good idea but this is why i think its a bad idea ....." she agreed that she would give it some more time before she would do that. after some more talk and tears stupid me said "i got you a aniversary present" while still crying and she said "i told you you didnt have to do that" and i followed with "i know but it was something i wanted to do butttttt immmm goinggg to hold one to it for a while cause this isnt the right time." i was crying like a baby who lost his binky i could barely get it out.

what i got was a ring that i wanted to give to her as a token of my love with a promise attached to it but i realized after i opened my mouth and said i got something that this was not the right time because the promise would probably drive her further away.

i had to leave at that time to go pickup our daughter. as soon as i left i realized i should have just kept my mouth shut about the ring. once i gained my composure a little and stopped crying a called home and appologized for saying i had i gift because i know it probably made you feel guilty the way i handled it and thats not why im waiting. she accepted my appology. and when i got home she was in the bedroom that we agreed would be her safe place and that i wouldnt go into unless invited. so i havent been able to explain to her why i got the gift and want to wait to give it to here.

sorry this is so long i didnt know i could write a book.

sorry this really has not point except to vent.

unfortunatly i dont have any friends that i feel comfortable sharing my felling with so i am venting her. yeah typical guy doesnt want to share his feellings with his buddys.

thanks again for your support

Hi jbpal,

Not a good anniversay huh?

Have you looked at Plan A and B. And the Emotional Needs information here? It might help.
Do you think she would be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs questionaire? And you also.
Even if she doesn't have the physical attraction yet, you can work on the other needs.

I know that reading and learning and working the principles here at MB will help you, even if she is unwilling. You may have to give, give, give, for a while with no expectations of anything in return for a while. I hope your love for her will draw her to you, and that you both can find love in your marriage once again.

Ladysheep