I have been lurking on this site quite a while and have found it extremely useful in my recovery. I never posted before, and don't have time right now but will later. <P><BR>I just had to take a minuet to bring up a few things mentioned here and there lately.<P>LW, etc...Stats about What happens before/after a divorce, and how it affects the children has little relevence here. The OC are not children of a marriage, created out of utter love and devotion that two people hold for one another; but of a tragic mistake. Blood is not the only thing that makes a family. <P>Yes, the OC didn't ask to be born and should not suffer, and the OW needs to make that choice. Be a mom that raises your child w/o the stigma of "daddy didn't want you" but "hey, I/we messed up but someting great came out of it" (you)"<P>It is not fair to expect the OC to be a welcome member of the other family. <BR>do you consider the stigma it places on them? <P>Another note, if you really want what's best for the OC, place him/her up for adoption with 2 parents and he/she can leave the whole mess behind.<P>I really have soooo much more I could say, but can't right now.<BR>

DumbStruck you said it and said it well. <P>Welcome dear one. I'll be looking for your story.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hey DS,<P> Glad to meet you, sorry it has to be here.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dumbstruck... welcome. <P>Several months ago in a very good post the pros and cons of what a "sperm donor" of a father could actually hope to accomplish by being in the life of the OC. Most of us eventually agreed that at very best the OC would get a casual part-time drop-in dad. All agreed that the best option would be for OC to be adopted by two parent family. The problem seemed to be with OW and the fact that they somehow seemed to feel that they were the best thing in the world for the OC and deserved to raise them. Now, I can understand the issue of giving up a child for adoption. But if you decide to keep a baby that the father does not want, it somehow seems to limit your claims on the father (in my opinion only). <P>I know that all stories come in all shapes and sizes. In some cases, women were lied to about status of man they were sleeping with. Others were viciously reckless with their actions. I just feel so stronly about children being raised with love. Not some compromised situation. <P>Take care... God Bless you. Carolyn

Dear DumbStruck,<P>I also wanted to welcome you to our group and I look forward to reading your story when you have time to post.<P>Some people who believe they are focusing on the needs of the child really should look again. They are serving their own needs. And, that is fine, as long as they accept it for what it is.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

dumbstruck, you said it so well. I pray daily the OW finds a man to be in her life and truly raise the child, rather than hovering over my life hoping she and OC will gain access to my H and our life.She actually thinks she has a right for her child to know my kids, and has no regard for the damage that would be done to my kids if they learned of father's mistake. I too think OC deserves the best in life, with a loving mom and dad, may not be biological dad, there is more to a family than sperm donation. Had things gone my H"s way, child would not even be here. OW should move on in life, I hope she moves far away and leaves us alone. I pray for that too.

here is a link to the thread that takingcare was talking about. it was kind of the pro's and con's of H being involved in OC's life. which is always a difficult topic as there really is no pro or con in this situation. there are also no right or wrong decisions on how to handle it. but this thread offers some insight to some of the reasoning when it comes to the H being involved in childs life, more so when the child is not welcomed into the first family, and is being seen in secret, etc.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/000563.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/000563.html</A> <P>happy_girl

Dumbstruck said it exactly RIGHT<BR>the words i tried to get out of my mouth<BR>i would love to send that to ow<BR>Why do they not get it?<P>