Hello Everyone!<P>This is the first time I have posted to this board, but I feel as if I know all of you. I have been so inspired by your stories and advice. It is comforting just to know that you are not the only one going through this and that there is a place where you can speak your mind and feel safe.<P>My H had an affair with a co-worker 2 yrs ago. I forgave him and we continue to try to rebuild our life together. I had accepted the OC and was willing to include him in our life even though it was painful for me,however the OW made it clear that she did not want me or my H to be a part of his life. My H's family is an active part of the OC's life. And when the visit my son (6 months old) they make sure to give him an update on his "brother". Even though he is not yet old enough to understand this I feel like it will become and issue later on because the OW has made it claer that the OC will not be a part of my sons life. I t is also hurtful to me for them to call the OC my son's "brother". Do you think I am being selfish? How should I discuss this subject with my inlaws.<P>HurtMom

hurtmom,<P>well, you guys have quite a peach of an OW don't you. doesn't want contact with you or your husband?? but maintains contact with his family?? and they don't see anything wrong with this?? totally amazing. <P>my approach unfortunately would not be a good one. i think that if she is going to be selective in who is involved in her child's life, especially when you were generous enough to allow the OC into your life, your in-laws should see that what she has CHOSEN for her child is wrong. and that they are wrong to be involved when she cleary is playing some kind of game. didn't want a daddy, just some grandparents? how weird is that?? i would be tempted to uninvolve them in my childs life. but that is mean i guess.<P>what is their reasoning for being involved when she is making such ridiculous demands? don't they see the harm in this? i just don't understand their rationalization, especially since the OW did not want your H or yourself involved. that is what my main question would be. i can see why this would cause a problem later. do they expect you to drop your son off when he is older to play with his "brother"? how can you explain that to a child? <P>i don't have children so i have no real right to offer this advice. hopefully some mom's will come around soon, and give you some better advice! but glad you found us here. and no i don't think YOU are being selfish. OW is, she had a W willing to include the OC in her life, as painful as that is, and to have a father, however part-time it would have been, and she chose not to. yet she sees the family? she is the selfish one.<P>happy_girl

Dear hurtmom,<P>Welcome, I know no one would CHOOSE to be here if they<BR>didnt have tremendous pain and heartbreak in their life.<BR>I am so sorry that you have to deal with it.<BR>I pray that you can focus all your energy on your sweet<BR>baby and repairing your marriage. I am sorry your inlaws<BR>appear so insensitive to your feelings. <BR>You have searched your heart and allowed the oc into your<BR>lives only to have the op decide she didnt want her child<BR>to know you and your h. <BR>I dont think you are selfish one bit. Have you explained <BR>to your inlaws how hurtful their comments are? And how<BR>damaging they may be to a young child who doesnt understand?<BR>I realize your baby is only 6mos, so why are they saying<BR>anything? <BR>I will keep you in my prayers. Take Care, fluke

hurtmom,<BR>No you are not being selfish. Nobody in either of our familys knows about ow or oc. Also a co-worker no longer is he at that job. 2yrs for us to oc is 1 1/2 yr we dont have any contact h just pays support. I just cannot understand what causes inlaws to act this way. It has got to be so hard not to blow your top with them. It would be nice if they would see how much more difficult they make it for you when they choose to act this way. With some luck maybe it will all blow up in their faces. I am so sorry hurtmom you have to be dealing with this terrible pain in your life. There are so many wonderful people here that will help you in your time of trouble. prayers to your family with love flowerseed

Hurt mom<BR>does your h pay cs?<BR>sounds like OW is trying to get on inlaws good side<BR>for some reason <BR>maybe to get to h ?<BR>WHY does biology mean so much????<BR>Your inlaws should concentrate on YOUR child the child that know their son as daddy<BR>and understand how selfish OW is being about letting you guys see oc<BR>i dont understand WHY they would want to with her attitude<BR>I know how much this all hurts<BR>I go back and forth as to whether I could accept oc in my life <BR>i know he is innocent<BR>but i just think it owuld be so painful for me to see him<BR>and see him interact with my child<BR>hes still a baby and i think that makes it harder on my motherly instincts<BR>but right now H doesn't want to risk bringing that pain into our lives<BR>what is it they say<BR> <BR> <BR> ANYONE CAN BE A FATHER IT TAKES SOMEONE SPECIAL TO BE A DADDY.

Thank you for all the support. My H does pay child support, has from the begining. I supported him in that because I don't think child should be penalized for the mistakes of H and OW. I do understand why my inlaws have contact with OC. Even though he came into this world under less than optimal circumstances, he is still their grandchild/nephew and they want to have a relationship with him as does my H. And it would be nice if we could all have a relationship with OC so that my son could one day see him as an older bother. My worry is that since he will probably never get to have a relationship with OC that this could be very painful for him. How do you explain to a child that he has a brother in this world but can never have a relationship with him?<P>Hurtmom

hurtmom,<BR>Your h has a right to this child if you two choose. I would have your h file with the courts she cannot keep the child from you guys. Get a court order see how she likes that. I wish you and your family the best. with love flowerseed

No, you're NOT being selfish. If you tell your in-laws your feelings on the matter (have you? Sorry I missed that) and they ignore your feelings/requests(!), you don't have to keep going to their house! Your feelings should be respected--that's insensitive!<P>Also, if you and H want visitation with OC, you can get that through the courts.