Hello everyone. Im not going to tell you im happy to be here. But im very happy to have this place.Ive been reading these post the past few weeks. I recently found out about H and OW. The reason he may have decided to tell me was because she called my house. She thought i should know she was Pregnant with H child!!!!!!! H says that is IMPOSSIBLE because he was with her a few times and Always used protection. Not like i can really believe anything he has to say. But if H is telling truth im grateful he did risk my life with some STD. Im on a constant rollercoaster. One day i think its best for US and my 4 yr.old son for me to try to cope. Then i get so so pissed at H and i dont even want him looking at me. I still love him. But i think the love has changed. I dont want my son to be in a home that is based on lies and misery. H is a wonderful daddy. But it takes more than that to make a MARRIAGE. Im sorry if im rambling...this is so so hard. My hat goes off to all you who have decided to remain in your marriages. But will the anger ever go away? I would never talk badly about H to my son. But i dont want to lie to my son. I dont want to live with a man who has lied to me. How and when does it get better? I truly think leaving is best for me...im way to hateful at this point. I cry and cry and cry some more. I pray and talk to my best friend. Nothing seems to help. I believe I DESERVE better. I deserve to be happy and peaceful. I just want to say thank you for this place.And good luck everyone. God be with you all.

well, welcome to our group here. i am sad you are here, but glad you found us. there are many wonderful people here and it is a great place, despite the occasional crashing from people out to cause trouble.<P>i think that everyone has a different response to an affair, and i don't fault anyone who stays with their spouse or anyone who doesn't. it is a personal decision. i always said i would never stay with my spouse if he ever cheated, and here i am. <P>to your question of happiness. i am very happy. i have a wonderful husband and we are doing very good. we have learned how to communicate better and have refocused our lives so that our marriage is first. we are 110% committed to our marriage and i have no doubt that we will make it to forever.<P>right now we are in the middle of dealing with the court system and will soon start the child support payments. a little backround, affair was before our first anniversary. he told me after it ended, that was dday#1 in about march of 1997. about a year later we heard rumors that OW had had a baby, and it was possibly H's. he called her, she said that she did have his baby, wanted nothing from him, etc. that was dday#2. then after basically living a normal life since that last dday, in june of 2000 we find out she has just filed for child support. that was dday#3. it came in steps which was in a way easier, but also prolonged everything. so here we are, 4 years past dday. our marriage strong, but the stresses of dealing with the court, etc.<P>we have no contact. none planned. she has admitted she wanted a child, has never asked him to even BE a part of childs life. her requests last time they spoke, in july of 2000 were that he give the child his last name, and a reasonable amount of money everymonth. she did not say she wants a daddy for her child. we have no children yet, by choice, but this hurts that it is his first biological child. <P>why am i here then if my marriage is doing well? the answer is that it very much helps me to not take out my crazy moments on my H. he is very understanding and always open to my conversations about the whole situation, but it is great to have other people to share my emotions with, whether they be happy or angry, etc. and i get the chance to offer my help to others in this situation. and give back what i have so lovingly been given here.<P>don't make any rash decisions on whether to stay or go yet. this is all new still and the emotions are worse than any rollercoaster you have ever been on. give it some time, and then you can make the best decision for you and your son.<P>take care. prayers for you in this difficult time.<P>happy_girl<P>

cardinal,<BR> I see this isn't your first post but I don't know if you've been "officially" welcomed by NSR. If not, I'm sure he'll be along soon to do so. I'm not going to attempt to give you all the info he has to give you since he does such a good job at this but I do want to welcome you. You'll find a wealth of information here and I urge you to read ALL the available info on this site. <P>First I want to discourage you from my ANY serious decisions right now. Right now the shock of your discovery and the pain is so fresh you can't possibly think logically. Is it possible to see a counselor to help you through this? Is your H willing to go to joint counseling?<P>Yes, to answer your question, the pain and anger does lessen and it IS possible to get past this. But it's with alot of work and TIME! Post, ask questions, read success stories,,, you'll see it IS possible.

Dear Cardinal2000<P>As you can see there are many wonderful men and women<BR>going through this pain and coming out on the other side.<BR>It changes everything about your life but we must find<BR>the silver lining. I know this is the most difficult <BR>problem a marriage can face...<BR>Please know that you are not alone. I am sorry that you<BR>have to worry about such things. We are all here for you.<BR>Take care, fluke

cardinal2000,<BR>Sorry you have to be here to. When my h first told me what he had done. I also was thinking the way you are. I though no way I could never stay with someone that has did this to me. I just didnt think there were people that did. I had a friend at work that talked to me about working things out with h and that it could be done. So I gave it a try and here I am today 2yrs later and things really are better in some ways then they have ever been. Again I'm so sorry you have been put into a situation that you have to be here. with love flowerseed

I WISH YOU LUCK!!!!!<P>Not to be a downer, but my H also claims to have used condoms<BR>(i have since found out ow has herpes)<BR>Everyone told me They are not 100% effective can break, etc.<P>I sincerely hope everything turns out well for you<P>Maybe she is even lying about being pregant!!!!<BR>And if not maybe it is not his!!!<P>My story has so far had the worst possible outcomes<BR>Maybe I can live vicariously through you , with a lie about pregnancy or a neg dna test<P>Whatever happens it feels good to vent your feelings here and read the stories that others HAVE gone through such hell and survived <P>The first time i started reading these tears streamed down my face at the recognition of feelings and stories<P>i was starting to feel all alone and like the "springer Cam"<BR>wass following me (jerry springer show where EVERYTHING is screwed up)<BR>Again good luck and prayers <BR>keep posting!!!!<BR>

Hang in there cardinal... we are praying for you in your time of need.<BR>C1

Dear Cardinal2000,<P>I cannot stress enough the good advice you have already received -- do not make any major decisions right now.<P>For me, it took 3-4 months after discovery before I felt human again. An affair, particularly one resulting in an OC, is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. I was a wreck during those months -- sad, crying, unable to focus on things. It was the worst period in my life.<P>But little by little, the smoke starts to clear and you do start to feel human again. I read a great deal about affairs and relationships and I started to find out what was right for me. In my case, I also decided to stay with my H. I came to understand that he had committed a serious betrayal which had changed our marriage forever, but he is only human -- he made a terrible, stupid, tragic mistake.<P>But right now, you have the right to feel sad, and to mourn the loss of what you probably considered the perfect marriage. Those of us who have lived through this can assure you that your marriage can be great again if you and your H are committed to making it work and to working together to meet the challenges and decisions that lie ahead.<P>My H and I initially agreed "no contact" with OC, but he was seeing the OC behind my back which led to more problems. Whatever you decide, it should be a position that you BOTH can live with. <P>My H and I are now doing very well, my H has decided that he no longer wants contact with the OC and he merely pays support money. You will find that your emotions will change daily while you are riding that rollercoaster. And the pain does go away with time. There are many long-term issues, but none that are so insurmountable that they cannot be tackled if you face them together.<P>For now, take care of you. You need lots of TLC right now so indulge yourself. Come here often. There are lots of wonderful men and women on this site that have been in similar situations and are more than willing to give you support and comfort.<P>Blessings to you.<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

cardinal2000, It will get better.Briefly, My H told me 2 months ago that he had been having an affair with a woman and they had a child, now age 1. This was all said to me in one short sentence. He preceded to tell me that he would do whatever it took to keep our family together.Those first few days I was immobilized-in bed, felt my life was ruined, angry at H, depressed,e tc. I lost nearly 15 pounds in 5 days, and have yet to recover the weight. But, 2 months later, I am eating something, I have days I feel more normal,, and days I still hate what has happened.My H and I committed to couples counseling, no contact with OW-which initially was hard for H to do because he wanted to hear about OC-and now finally, after a lot of tears, anger, fights, no contact witih OC. My h has bonded with OC over year she was alive before I knew about her, although in actuality he spent little time over 3 year affair with OW and OC. The OW also believes her child is entitled to know my children, something I am preventing as long as I live.Anyway, it does get better, I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there.this forum has been a life saver for me, as I have told noone of what has happened and without it I would really be going nuts.

cardinal,<BR>I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, that "ran over by a train" feeling. You have gotten some good advice. Ditto the Don't make major decisions right now!! You are in shock and grief. <P>Also, do NOT tell your little boy much. He will sense that something is amiss, and you can tell him something like "mommy and daddy are having a problem right now but you don't need to worry about it. Nothing is your fault and we grown-ups will take care of it." My son was 5 when I found out. It is bad enough for them to see their parents having a hard day (crying, distracted, etc.). They do not need us putting down their father, telling about another woman, or telling them there might be a divorce. If it comes down to divorce LATER, you can deal with your child then. There is no need to involve a 4yo in your current crisis. <P>Every feeling you've described I can relate to and so can others here. It's 'normal' under the circumstances. It helped me TONS! to read affair books when I found out, particularly After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring, and Dr. Harley of this site also has one called After the Affair. It helps to know what feelings and events are "normal" and the route to repairing your marriage. It helped me to read that H and I should act "as if" we were going to stay together even when we weren't sure (including your H should not be seeing the OW!). It takes months to improve the marriage and AT LEAST a couple years to 'recover' from an affair. If your H is not remorseful and not working on your marriage or still seeing the OW, then there are Harley suggestions for saving your marriage too. <P>My H and I used the books, counseling, and help here at Marriagebuilders. We both worked hard on our marriage and we used every good hint for recovery we could find. It's been over 2 years and I AM glad now that I stayed!!!! <P>I'm trying to say: some marriages do survive and thrive, but it will take time and work. <P>Keep posting. Most of the posters here are great.

Cardinal forgive me for not posting and greeting you sooner. I have been out of commission for a tad, but I'm back now.<P>Do you know why I was out of commission. One reason is H and I are currently addressing some deep issues that caused the break down of our marriage that eventually led to his affair.<P>Why do I tell you all of this. Because it is important to remember that marriages need constant work and massaging. <P>You are probably feeling like yours is in a crisis that can't be overcome. I felt that same way just last december, my d-day. I was raw and ripped apart inside. I can't say I'm completely healed, but it's now April and we are just now starting to deal with our marriage. <P>It took that long to get over the initial hurt of the affair and dealing with OC/OW issues. Once we got that stabbing hurt out of the way and the OW/OC issues out of the way we can now deal with US. And believe me, it's no cake walk.<P>So when the other posters above say that it takes at least 2 years, I can believe it. But if your husband loves you, feels remorse for his actions it's worth the fight.<P>The afternoon my husband told me the "news" I called a girlfriend over and blurted out to her the minute she walked in the door, "H had an affair and has a little girl!" Do you know what the first question she asked me was? She asked, "Do you love your husband?" I said, "yes." She said, "Then girl, we are going to fight for your marriage." It was that simple.<P>There have been days where I just wanted to walk out the door since then. But luckily, they were days that H was feeling particularly strong and said and did the right things to keep me here.<P>To sum up my rant here. Baby, hold on a minute. Nurse and lick your wounds. Take a deep breathe when you feel like you can lift your head again and ask yourself that question my friend asked me. If the answer is yes.... fight like hell. Get counseling, read books, read Harley's stuff on this site, pray, keep coming and posting on this site, love yourself, your family and your husband and you will see in time the pieces falling into place.<P>One last note. DO NOT tell your 4 year old the whole truth. We tell our son when he feels the tension (he's four too) that mommy and daddy can't agree. H came up with an ingenious way to tell him he had a sister. He told son that the baby didn't have a daddy needed one and he told the baby's mommy that he would be her daddy. Be careful with this because the next day son was telling everyone he comes in contact with that he has another sister. Try explaining that to your grandmother who you haven't told yet!<P>Keep your head up girl. I posted under another thread addressed to you regarding the OC decision. Please keep coming back .... this place is such good soul therapy.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Zebra, you are inspiring me again, thanks, beautiful and well written. My sister said the same thing when I told her about the oc....do you love him ...then stay and fight. Gotta go talk to you all soon,,,Gabi1116

zebrababy,<P>What an awesome response!<P>Cardinal2000, I'm glad you've found your way here. There are some excellent thoughts for recovering from an affair on this site. <P>The anger and the resentment does eventually fade. An OC can bring it to the surface, but as the other fine women on this board will attest, it can be overcome.<P>All the best to you as you deal with this really hard blow.<BR>--HBC