My boyfriend had a five year marriage and his wife cheated on him. He has 3 kids to her and was brought up to have the family thing. They haven't been together now for 1 and half years, she wants a divorce and so does he, but he feels that he can't at the moment because he feels he will lose the whole family thing. I don't want to pressure him into anything he don't want to do at the moment. What should i do, i don't want to lose him?

You are on a bulletin board supporting strong marriages. And you want to know how to keep your legally married boyfriend?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You want to keep this guy. OK. He is legally married. OK To someone other than you. I see. And he has not lived with her in 1.5 years. Mm-hmm. He has 3 children but he does not want the family thing enough to work on his marriage. OK. So, doesn't want to lose the family thing. But he has a girlfriend.

So if he does this to wife number one and to children 1, 2, and 3, what makes you think you want him?

Am I missing something.

Maybe that was harsh and uncalled for.

But this man has a problem with faithfulness, committment, and responsibility. I don't understand why you would want him. He's not free. He's playing house at the expense of his children. Not setting a very good example.

He doesn't want to go back to her. He beleive's in the bible and the bible i think says something like " Marriage is for enternity" or something like that. He want's to divorce her, but I think to him the divorce is the final step to losing his kids. He doesn't love her any more. Might sound stupid, but I'm willing to support him with any decision he makes, but I want to help him get the divorce done now and to stop thinking what the bible says. Make any sense? sorry if it doesn't I'm not really good with putting words together with something like this.

Hi Skittie,

I think you are in a very confused relationship with your BF.

Marriage is not for eternity, it is until death do us part. People do not remain married throughout eternity with thier spouse.

What the bible says about adultery is...
That divorce is permitted under adultery if it is wanted. Some choose to stay and try to keep the marriage together anyway, and that is good if it works.

Your BF obviously doesn't want a divorce at this time.

And if he is so interested in what the bible says, why is he with you? He is also committing adultery being with you, and still being married.

As far as losing his children, he can have joint custody, if he goes through the courts to obtain that, and in some cases the father can have full custody.

I don't think you are in a healthy relationship with him. He doesn't know what he wants yet.
Don't pressure him, and let him come to the decision on his own. If you have sex or have had sex with him, you both are committing adultery also.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

I’m curious as to your and his ages…. You sound very young.

He and his wife have 3 kids and were living together for only 3.5 year???? No wonder their marriage was strained enough for this to happen. That’s a lot.

As others have told you, what he is doing now is not in accordance with the Bible and Christianity. It seems that he is picking and choosing the parts of Christianity that serve his purpose.

Because of his wife’s adultery, he is allowed to divorce her by all but the most stringent interpretations of the Bible. But he has not chosen to divorce her. So he is still a married man.

Since he is still married, he is committing adultery with YOU. You are his mistress (we call this the OW – other woman – here).

In Christianity, like any other religion, a person does not get to keep the rules the want and throw out the rest. In our laws it would like deciding that only certain laws do not apply to him.. like say I want to murder my neighbor, can I say well the federal murder laws do not apply to me if I kill her but I’ll follow all the other laws? NOOOOOOO.

So he is using the bible as an excuse for not getting a divorce.

Now for the kid thing. At this point it does not matter to his kids if their parents are divorced or not because they are not living together and raising the children together. I assume he is not living in the same house with his wife. So he can parent as well and have the kids a often if he was divorced as he does now.

So that’s an excuse for not getting a divorce and marrying you too.

Is his wife still involved in an affair or has she ended it? Is she dating or not? Does she still want a divorce?

Do you live with him? Do you know where he spends every night?

Now for this ‘family thing’. What on earth does this mean? If he is not living with his wife then there is no ‘family thing’. Does this mean that he spends a lot of time with his kids? At his wife’s house? Doing joint family activities with his wife and children?

If this guy is doing these things with his children and wife then he is very much married. He just likes that he has his freedom, his wife, his children and you. What a set up.

You will not loose this guy in the future because you cannot loose what you do not have. He is playing games with you.

If I were you I’d set him free. He needs to resolve his marriage first. If he still wants the ‘family thing’ then he still has a connection to his family.. his wife and children and you are just something on the side.

Sorry for being so brutal but it’s true. You are being played with.

My boyfriend is 26 and I am 24. I love him dearly, and want to help him. We are moving to get away from here. We had a talk last night about the divorce and he is going to go through it, so he will need my support.

No, him and his ex aren't living together. He doesn't have much to do with the kids as for their mother is being nasty and some times he feels that he is a failure to the kids. He feels that he can't be the father that they would like, but he does try when he has a chance to see them. She is still having the affairs, lots of them. She has been doing it for many years now and my boyfriend stayed with her because of the kids. She will never stop the affairs.

My boyfriend is with me everynight, we do nearly everything together. He wouldn't cheat on me, he is honest and trust worthy, not all may think so. If he goes out without me one time he will tell me where he is going and how long he will be and he doesn't come home late and he might ring me just to see what i am doing and if i'm not doing anything he will come home and get me and take me out. We go out atleast once a month for maybe a counter meal or to go to the movies or to do something atleast.

You are both very young. You did not mention the ages of his children.

If what you have said is the truth, then he really does need to get a divorce. One of the things that would be good about him getting a divorce is that he would more than likely get the children about half the time with no interference from their mother. Then he could be the father they desperitately need. One thing I have observed, is that if a parent has the life style you say she has, then it is often easy for the more stable parent to start getting more and more time with the children simply by being the baby sitter. If she is having all these affairs then she must be gone a lot of the time. Who is taking care of the children when she is out?

IMHO it would be very wrong for him to leave the area. He has a responsibility for three innocent children who he helped bring into this world. They need their father. Why would he leave them entirely in the hands of a woman who her moral character? This is a copout on his part and it is morally wrong.

His responsibility is to his children first. I am sorry to tell you this but you are not his primary responsibility right now. If he leaves the children with her knowing what she is like then he is as bad as she is.

You know, his wife is not the only one living an immoral life style. He is doing something very similar. He is a married man living with women who is not his wife. He too is an adulterer. He had not even filed for divorce.

I know of what I speak. I would not leave my ex-husband until he allowed me to leave with my son. I would not leave him with the custody of a minor child… he was having one affair after another and was verbally/physically abusive. I stayed with him at least 5 years longer than I should have.

My now husband’s wife started doing what your MM’s (married man) wife if doing. He told her to either end her affairs and work the marriage, or leave. She abandoned him and the children. He now has primary custody of the children. Now, 4 years after the divorce he is fighting for sole custody.

You are in a mess.. you are having an affair with a married man. He is thinking of leaving children who need him.

I now you do not want to hear this but he should not leave, he should starting taking care of his children. He has the legal right to have them 50% of the time. He needs to exercise his right. And his affair with you is WRONG.

What he is doing is as bad an influence and example on his children as what his wife is doing.

One question I have is how do you know his wife is having affairs? Have you seen her do this? Or are you relying on your MM’s words? It’s very common for a person who is having an affair, as your MM is, to make up all sorts of stories. Since his wife is not here to defend herself we have no idea what is going on. You should hear the outlandish stuff my ex-husband told people about me. That I was having affairs was one of them.

Only about 3% of affairs ever turn into long term relationships. Most of them last 6 months to 2 years. Then they die. Your chances of ever ending up married to this guy are slim to none. I wish you would see that until he is divorce, has settled his marriage and his custody issues and has had some time to himself he is not ready to commit to a long term relationship. The type of relationship you are having is what is called a transitional relationship. They are used as stepping stones to help the MM get from the married state to the single state with someone to hold his hand through it all.

Yes I could be wrong. But statistics are stacked against you.

I know you think that you are innocent in all of this. But you are not. Mistresses never are. This is a marriage building web site. I doubt you will find anyone here who will help you build your affair.

If you want to end your affair I would be here to support you. If your MM wants to sort out his life and find out what to do to be there for his children I would be here for that to.

But not to help build an affair. I am sure that you can find a web site for affair building. This is not it.

Here is a link to a book that might help you - Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives -- by Laura C. Schlessinger;

<small>[ July 13, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>