I am 41, divorced, and I have been dating a WONDERFUL 35 year old woman since early June. (This one is a "keeper"!)

The first few times we made love, her vagina clamped shut.. and she found it very painful when we tried to have me enter her. Happily, that problem has diminished. The last few times, I have been able to enter her by taking things VERY slowly and VERY gently at firstand and then waiting a few minutes for her muscles to relax before we get more energetic.

Unfortunately, while she has been extremely passionate... enjoying foreplay and giving and receiving oral sex as well as intercourse, she has been unable to have an orgasm.

The inability to please her fully was really bothering me. (I know each woman is different, but I got used to my (now ex) wife coming easily... often 4-6 times... from manual stimulation, oral sex, and intercourse.) And with the exception of my girlfriend not coming, everything is "normal."

A few nights ago, sensing my concern, my girlfriend explained that she had been sexually abused by her alchoholic father when she was a teen (she did not go into details). As a result, she is unusually inexperienced, and, despite her desire to make love to me (and her having seen therapists for a long time) being sexual triggers unwanted physical and emotional reactions.

I love this woman and I am more than willing to work through things with her. My hope is that, given patience and sensitivity from me, she will be able to enjoy sex completely as time goes on.

All that said, I would appreciate hearing from men and women who have been through the same thing. Is my hope realistic? How long might it take before she can come? And should we see a sex therapist together in addition to her seeing her "regular" therapist?

Thanks in advance for any advice or comments.

J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unfortunately, while she has been extremely passionate... enjoying foreplay and giving and receiving oral sex as well as intercourse, she has been unable to have an orgasm.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have had this problem. It is very difficult for a woman to achieve orgasm if she isn't completely relaxed and 'into it'. Have you sought the help of a sex therapist? Is your GF able to achieve orgasm by herself? Has she ever been able to achieve orgasm?

This is a painful thing to go through, and you should keep patience. The more pressure there is to achieve orgasm, the less likely it becomes.

Funny how things work like that, isn't it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BTW, I don't know about the sex therapist together thing. She should probably go on her own for a while. That's a question best asked to your GF and the therapist, though.

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

I am sorry to hear about your GF's very traumatic past. What she was experiencing when she clamped shut is called vaganismus and is a very common reaction to abuse. It is also very treatable, usually by a sompetant sex therapist.

The issue of triggering when passionate, and of her inability to O is more complex. If she is still exoeriencing intrusive thoughts then she has not healed fully. This is one of the signs of PTSD and a good abuse counselor should be sought out for help. You said that she had been in therapy, but the work of healing is not yet complete. She can move beyond this with help, but it is almost impossible to do alone.

I hope you can find a good counselor who can help you. Until then there are many good books on sexual abuse and incest that can be helpful. There is also a good book for you called "Ghosts In The Bedroom: When Someone You Love Has Been Abused." Amazon.com has it, and has many other books on the topic of abuse.

Many thanks for the thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.

The last few days have been very encouraging. My girlfriend had a "good" meeting with her therapist.(She is seeing her weekly). When we spent our weekend afternoons cuddling and then making love, any signs of the "clamping" or vaginismus were gone. And while an "O" is still elusive, as she relaxes she is definitely finding our love-making physically more pleasureable. Much more important, of course, is the deep emotional intimacy and openness we are sharing. I have little doubt that the combination of that intimacy and openness, time, patience, and professional support will help us work through any problems that remain or may arise as time goes on.

As soon as I post this message, I will go to amazon.com and get that book.

Thanks again.

John,
The right title of the book is "Ghosts In The Bedroom: A Guide For Incest Survivors and Their Partners." Sorry, bad memory. Another book I have seen, although I hve not read this one, is "What About Me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse"

That might be helpful too.

Rich

Thanks again, Rich. Even if our difficulties continue to subside, I will try to read both books.

john read my story and you will see this is a potential time bomb for the both of you:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

You don't need the details but she does need to seek professional help. Often women so abused withdraw from intimacy pretty quickly in stable relationships and wind up having intimacy avoidance affairs or worse as in my wife's case the victim of a similar sexual predator years later.