Hi guys,<BR> <P> I have a serious (for once) question to ask of the ladies. My wife says she loves me and OM. I have a hard time understanding that, I guess I'm not wired that way. I could never be emotionally involved with more than one women at a time, even as a teen!<P><BR> Is it possible to really love two men?<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Gregg,<P>Personally I believe it is possible to love two men who bring two different things to your life. But, it is also more likely that your wife BELIEVES she is in love with you both.<P>My H is wonderful. He made a tragic mistake that he is paying every day of his life for but he has also resolved that (a) nothing like that will ever happen again and (b) he will do everything in his power to make me understand that I come first as do our children. He is dependable, loving to all of us, especially the kids, and I feel that I can talk to him about anything.<P>But he is not terribly romantic -- doesn't know how to be. He has his moments with surprise flowers or dinner out just the two of us, but he never mastered the kind of romance that most women read about in novels and long for all their lives.<P>My "nearly OM" by comparison is all romance. He knows the right things to say, the way to touch my hand that sends shivers down my spine, and to just look deeply into my eyes and make me believe that there is no one else in the world but the two of us. There was a time when I truly believed that I was in love with this man.<P>But, like so many affairs, I never had the everyday drudge to share with the nearly OM. I have never picked up his dirty clothes, done the grocery shopping with him, sat in the emergency room waiting room, or spent a whole day and night with this man. He is and always will be that fantasy part of me that all women want.<P>In reality, now that I am looking at him through new eyes, he is opinionated and bossy, and he believes that he is a superior being put on this planet. If I had to live with him everyday for the rest of my life, I would be singing a whole different tune.<P>My guess is that the OM gives your wife an escape into fantasy land that every woman needs, but she has gotten stuck in that fantasy. She knows what a wonderful person you are, Gregg. You have shown yourself here to be sweet, caring, and hysterically funny. Your wife sees all that in you and much more. But there must be something that the OM is bringing to her life that is missing from the everyday life with you.<P>Try talking to her about it. Ask her how she feels when she is with or talking to the OM. It may hurt like hell to hear the answer, but it may also give you some insight into how you can deal with the problem. There is obviously a lot of love in your marriage, I pray that your wife will see the diamond that she has right in her own home.<P>love,<BR>heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited April 21, 2001).]

Hey Heavenly,<P><BR> Thank you, you are one smart lady!<BR> <BR> I've tried to fill my wifes needs( and when I ask her, she says I am.)<P> But the spark is gone, I can see it in a thousand little ways that no one but me would notice. How do I get the spark back? I can't get 15 years younger?<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Gregg,<BR>Sorry to hear about this.<P>I think it is entirely possible for a woman to THINK that she loves two men at once, but that only one is the "real thing".<P>As for sparks, how about doing some of the stuff you did (or wished you did) when you were 15 years younger. Have sex in the backseat of the Chevy by the lake. Blow off a day of work, call your wife in sick if she has a job, and take off to an amusement park together. Grab wife for sex on the kitchen table. "kidnap" wife for a night at a hotel, even if it's just one right down the street from your house. Write love notes on the bathroom mirror so that when wife takes a shower, she sees your message in the fogged up mirror when she gets out.<P>Often, the om are just providing spontaneity. You can do that.<P>cd

Hey Heavenly,<P> Something you said just clicked. It's like my wife is trying to live separate lives, I provide financial security, I'm always home, I give her tons of freedom, I encourage her to pursue whatever she may be interested in, I tell her she's beautiful( she is), and I love Angel like she was my own. I've tried to re-create the romance of when we first dated, flowers, nights on the town, nightclubs.<P> But it's just not there, ya know?? I cannot figure out what she gets from OM except time away from me.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey Heavenly,<P> I would love to have sex on the kithen table (ok, I'd put down a placemat), but that ain't happening, either. I feel like a monk!<P><BR> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey CD,<P> Sorry, YOU were the one advising annointing the kitchen table!! My ADD is showing!<P> (should I use a placemat?)<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Hey CD and Heavenly,<P> All kidding aside, I appreciate your help. I'm afraid it may be plan B time. I hate this, it would be so hard on the kids. I don't know what else to do.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Gregg,<BR>I'm sorry, I do remember you saying once before about not having sex, but I had forgotten. I've been a little distracted lately because I can't figure out why everybody keeps turning down invitations to dinner at my house...(on my table.... get it?)<P>Back to seriousness, I too think you may be getting close to plan b time. It certainly doesn't seem like your wife is getting over om. Geez, I am sorry to hear it. I'm sure K will give you really good advice about how/when to do it.<P>as for the kids, yes it would be terrible, awful, horrible for them, but wouldn't it be worse if you ended up getting divorced because you never tried plan b? but the end justifies the means, gregg. Your goal is to save the marriage, which in the end will be the BEST thing possible for your kids.<P>Good luck. I will pray for you.<BR>cd

Hey CD,<P> You can come and eat at my house, my kitchen table is clean!! <BR> My wife is at a friends house this weekend, to "think", so I'm not sure what she will say when she comes home. I'll just have to wait. And pray.<P><BR> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

hey glynton, i will try this again. last time my computer crashed after i had written my response. here is my second attempt!<P>when i was 19 i thought i loved 2 men. my H (we weren't married yet) and my exboyfriend. i was torn between the two of them for months. went back and forth, i was terrible. anyway, i was falling in love with my H, had met him when i was still with exBF, and i just couldn't get away from the attraction and sexual chemistry i had with my ex. he was the first guy i was "with" and there was just this chemistry...but it wasn't love. i thought it was at the time, but i know different now. luckily for me, i finally realized who i should be with. but even after we were married i still talked to my exBF, as friends, but still that attraction was there. i had to cut off communication even though we had a great friendship for fear that in troubled times, etc, i would run to him like i did before.<P>so, that was the long answer. bored you most likely, but the short answer is no. i don't think you can truly love 2 people at once. care about them both yes. but true love? no. i pray she is still in the fog and that she will realize what a gem she has in you.<P>i agree with CD. plan B time. and the reason she gave is excellent. she needs to have a reason to get off the fence.<P>prayers for you friend.<P>happy_girl (future RN) ~~thanks for the vote of confidence!

hi gregg. reading your story feeling bad for you . loving two men? no loving an adjective, she is not loving you at the moment , she is mistreating you. she is loving the om. as for love. if love is the warm fuzzies when we think about the good times maybe she has that for you. but she is not loving two men . she is loving one, mistreating one. the latter is you. need a wake up call. you might consider waking yourself up. you are not her placemat for her and other man to make love upon. apparently she thinks so. then she needs to be woke up to the fact that you are leaving her. sometimes, more often than many on here seem to realize , the leaving is the real wake up. I hope you are able to take care of yourself on this . good luck

Gregg,<P>Well, I am going to let you know what I thought when I was in the same position. Yes, I THOUGHT that what I was feeling was love towards OM. At that time in my marriage, there had been major time apart due to H being stationed first in CA, and then here in HI. Then, when the kids and I got here, he was gone for another 6 weeks, home for 2 mos, then gone for 5 mos. Now, looking back, I can see exactly what caused me to do what I did, it was the loss of the emotional support that I had been so used to before all these changes. This guy shows up, and gives me all that I was missing, at least in my eyes. He gave me his full attention, which I was missing from H at that time. Of course, he was just playing me, which I found out later he is very good at. I truly felt that I did love him, but now I just see that it was nothing near what love truly is. Of course, OM's actions just helped that along. As for helping your wife see what is the true love, and what is just the idea of it, I have no idea what to tell you. I guess we were very lucky in this part of our situation, that OM is the one who "opened my eyes" as to who he really was, although I was already figuring it out by then. I wish I could tell you what to do, because I don't believe that anyone can really love 2 men at the same time, and it be true love for both of them.<P>As for getting your spark back, what would you do 15 years ago that caused that spark in the first place? As long as it wasn't something too crazy, have you thought of trying that angle yet? Maybe find out what is so special with OM that you don't offer, find out what is so different between you two.<P>Well, I gotta go, Abbi is giving Daddy a hard time. <P>Tigger

Gregg,<P>The important thing is that she believes she does right now...<P>The emotions involved in an affair can run very strong. It's that intoxicating, romantic, "just in love" feel. It's not the same as the long-term love that is the hallmark of a mature, loving relationship.<P>Sometimes it seems better than the real thing, especially if the Emotional Needs of one or both parties have been neglected in the marriage.<P>All is not lost. But is will be hard.<P>Blessings to you.<BR>Kat

After d-day, hubbie tried to be my friend/buddy again (told him to rebuild trust, we needed to reestablish the friendship we lost long ago) <P>we started just doing things together that were atypical for us. luckily we had left his job, so we had time.<BR>we went jet-skiing, on picnics, to the mall, beach, made sundaes, played board games, etc...anything but grocery store, other errands, or activities that had become our mom&dad routine.<P>for us, from our very beginings, our most romantic/'sparky' moments have came not from lit candles, etc. but during those times we were simply enjoying each other's company.

Gregg,<BR>I know you don't want to do it, but you have to go to Plan B, and I think you know it. I think K would agree that your W is enjoying the best of both worlds and until one of those worlds ends, she will continue orbiting them both!! I just thought of that, pretty clever huh?! Seriously though, don't you think that if you didn't provide financial and emotional support to your W that something would give? Even if she does eventually choose OM at least you can know for sure which road to take into the future. Right now you are at a crossroad that your wife has put in front of you, you can either choose the one that continues with your W and keep tolerating your W's behavior, or you can choose Plan B which will make you take off on your own. <P>I know that I didn't want to do Plan B, but I couldn't bear to know that my W was still seeing OM and I was paying for her gas to go see him. She is now living with him and that still kills me, but over the last 3 1/2 months I have grown so much and know that even though I was horrified at my future without her, now I realize that I am going to be just fine with or without her...but it's still her choice.<P>I used to sneer at those who would say "You'll know when it's time to move on...", but now I know what they mean. You really do reach a point that you realize you have to take a proactive approach. You've been trying so hard to keep your family together, but you can't do it by yourself. Let your W have a stab at reality and see how she handles things on her own. You have been her foundation for stability for so long and I think you need to knock that support out from under her.<BR>Best of God's Blessings on you and my prayers will be with you during this time,<BR>Floored <BR>

Dear Gregg,<P>I have to agree with the others. It seems that you have worked overtime trying to re-kindle the spark and that your W is taking constantly but not giving anything back.<P>Floored really hit it -- see how she does without the great foundation Gregg. Losing that stable support may just shock her back into reality. Also, being able to spend more than quality time with the OM (everyday, drudge time) may take a bit of the shine off of his halo as well.<P>In any event, Plan B will preserve your feelings for her and most importantly, will give your own feelings a break. You are taking a pretty tough emotional beating and that needs to stop for your own sake.<P>I know it must be tough for you. Search your heart and find the strength to take the necessary action that may, in the end, save your marriage.<P>My prayers are with you all the way, special guy.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Hi guys,<P> Thank you all, very much. I think I know what I must do, it's just tough, real tough. CD, Happy Girl RN, joell ,tigger, kat, DS, floored, dear Heavenly, thank you so much! I feel like I'm about to cut off my right arm! It's so very hard!<P> God bless you all,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg

Dear Gregg,<P>You dont know me but I wanted to lend<BR>my support, too. <P>Warmest wishes for you. Take care.

Dear Gregg,<P>I hate to say it but I have to agree with the others. It is time for plan B. <P>haha...my 7 yr old step-daughter just walked over here and read what I was writing and wanted to know what plan B was! She is here every other weekend and i am not used to someone trying to read what I was typing. At least it was nothing tell-tale about me and H. Jeez! Thatll teach me! I think I am done for the night...lol...oops!<P>Talk more later Gregg...all my prayers to you and your family.<P>Love<P>bw