I want to talk to OW, She is fat and ugly and she is afraid of me, I want her to see me as she never has, I want her to feel terrible, I want her to be depressed, I want her to feel as bad as I do, no worse than I do, anyone else feel this way?

fizzpop,<P>Yes. I did. <P>One of the OW (yes, one of), the one in the long term affair, was a "mutual friend". Until I blew the lid off their "friendship." H never lied to that one. He never said he wanted to leave me for her, in fact, quite the opposite in the e-mail I read. He wanted it all....<P>In retrospect, I'm glad she was afraid to ever speak to me. This is not to say I treated her with nothing but love and respect. I confronted H before finding this site and I did not do things according to MB principles....I made him call her work phone that night and I left a message that she was not welcome in my house, etc. Very civil when H was listening. Then I hit redial when he was not...one sentence:<P>"I hope one day that you meet the man of your dreams, and when you do I hope he meets a filfthy little !@#$! like you."<P>All in all, I wish I hadn't said that to her. I wish I had just let it go.... All the other choice words I've had for her I've just written down and burned.<P>It's a tough road....<P>All the best to you in your recovery.<BR>--HBC

Dear fizz,<BR>If you want to talk to the ow, I have a suggestion: Be NOTHING but nice, civil, friendly, compassionate, etc. etc. I do this, and ow spills her guts and provides me with all kinds of useful info. Besides that, you don't ever want to say anything that can be held against you later. It will scare ow more if you are more in control than she is, and it will hurt her more to see that you are not crazy about this whole mess, especially if she is a mess herself over it.<P>Anger, rage, insults, violence - these are all things that the ow EXPECT from you. Give her the opposite, and you will have her off-balance.<BR>with love,<BR>cd

Dear fizz...yes I did and it turned out to be a horrible thing in one way and not so horrible in another. I found out she had a lot of the same interests as me and realized my H had tried to find a sub for me. He failed miserably. I have class. She was a hoemwrecking whore.<P>Her and i did talk bc I thought I did not want to interfer with H and oc's relationship, so I thought I had to try to be nice to slut-dog. It backfired in the way that she told me things about "them" that I really did not need to hear.<P>On the plus side, when she did tell me the stuff she totally flipped her lid and asked me something really vulgar and when I called H hysterically at work he called the phone co and had our # changed to a private #. that is when she filed for cs, we filed back for joint custody, that scared her and she dropped her case and has been out of our lives since (well, almost). She was an obsessive person, that is what I learned, plus I learned seh still wanted my h. <P>But yeah sometimes I would love to run into her (I have no idea what she looks like) and strangle her or at least tell her what I think of her. The urge does diminish with time though...<P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

Hi Fizzpop,<P>I phone OW when I first found out. Thought I was dealing with a misled soul. She was vulgar. H made the excuse that she was caught by surprise. Hmm.... Next out of good faith, I sent her a letter. H took it to her. Again another excuse. 1 month later, I sent her an e-mail. Now we are getting somewhere. The where is that OW is a psyco. She did not earn the name Mrs. Psyco Babble for nothing. She could be BW's OW twin. <P>More than likely the OW is not going to rationally listen to what you have to say regardless of what your intentions are. Remember you are dealing with a deceitful person who is currently enjoying the attention of your H. OW's want to pretend to be Mrs. H. Think they want to hear from the real Mrs. H? No usually. Mine sure did not. She was so hateful and paranoid, Hotmail had to shut down one of her e-mail addresses. Hm....<P>Do you have the time and energy for dealing with a psyco? If not, then pursue another way to spend your time and energy. Strengthen your character to be ready for when your H does need your support and love. Be there to provide what no OW can provide 'true love'. Oh, they pretend but it is just like those girls who stuff their bras to look bigger. Nothing but falsies.<P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR> <P>

I have no desire to talk with OW. She actually offered for us to meet and hear her story so I could understand her pain, albeit maybe not as bad as the pain I was feeling and for my own kids. I refused. I want to keep her away from me and my kids as much as possible. I have nothing to say to her,although I have written some letters to her that I have never sent, probably never will, to purge myself of what I want to say to her. It has done equal good. I hope soon I will not think of her at all, as I suspect she barely gives me passing thought, and I have no need for the letters.Seeing her would only make me rageful, and hard to maintain control. I do not want to tempt myself. I am staying away from her, she is staying away from us.Good.

I called ow at the advice of my counselor at the time after i found out and H and I were back together<BR>I was just asking what she expected from him and etc.<BR>We talked for like an hour<BR>I thought she was being really mature <BR>there were just a couple things like she brought up like trying to get me to side with her against him i felt<BR>Like he was just playing both of us <BR>and saying he had called me from her place saying he was with his brother<BR>to which i said We have already discussed this stuff and we have decided to stay together and work it out why are you trying to cause trouble?<BR>i asked about cs and visitation she said she wouldn't want cs if he would agree to sign over all rights<BR>she said if i was going to be around her baby she wanted to meet me Invited me to stop by anytime shes always home in the evening<BR>said i was alot cooler than h had implied as "psycho *****"<BR>more unnecessary info to cause trouble <BR>Anyway said she was glad i had called would call us after md appts <BR>the very next day she went to the prosecutors office and<BR>put a no contact order saying if we went to her residence we would be charged with trespass if we called we would be charged with harrasment<BR>then 8 months later get papers in mail wanting cs

I'm a HUGE advocate for meeting the OP, if not just to show them that you exist...<P>I met one of my ex-H's OW... and I met another OW's H as he told me of his plan to take his W away from my then-H... and I was known by the other OW (there were five in all) and the last one in particular was scared of me (which made me happy at the time).<P>...and sadly, I was once an OW myself, and although I didn't meet the common-law wife of the OM face to face, I did IM with her and offer an apology. <P>I think that in the situation where there is a child of the affair involved the rules change a bit too... there will always be *some* type of contact unless a solid plan for mediators (for visitation, etc.) is agreed upon.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 22, 2001).]

Dear Fizzpop, I know of OW. She works near where H works. And she has called my house for him. Ive yet to talk to her. She is smart, ill give her that. She calls from pay phones! It was after the 1st call H told me about her. It must have been fear! I do wanna talk to her and ask why? He wear a very nice wedding band. One that cant be missed. What did she hope to gain?

Well, I go around CW all the time...but not as much as I used to. Basically, I go to her place of business just to get on her nerves from time to time. Also, I can often figure out if H has been up there from an off-hand remark by one of the waitresses or regulars up there.<P>H has not admitted to a relationship with her, and I do believe that he broke off whatever was going on with them as soon as I confronted him with my suspicions that he was in love with someone else (but I think he wanted to keep her on ice for a while until I "got over it" ). She used to be a friend to both of us, but I think their friendship crossed the line about 3-1/2 or 4 years ago.<BR>She hasn't had much to say to me in the past 3 years, and has not harassed me at all other than to make a revealing remark to me right after confrontation day (when she was obviously angry with H).<P>Anyway, I've cut back on going around her, as I'm thinking that maybe it keeps my anger simmering.