We have already decided not to be part of OC's life. OW wants help for 'a while' just to get by till she gets on her feet (about a year?) then though she doesn't agree with us (feel OC will be 'deprived' a father and siblings) and our reasons, (our family, we live 2000 miles away and feel a 1 day/yr dad would do more harm than good, think OW would be better off looking towards future and not past) she will leave us in peace. <P>she also asked before this came up that if she remarries, would be sign off on adoption papers. we told her yes, but to please be wise in her decisions b/c we do actually care what happens to OC. (she thinks no involvement means we just don't give a sh**)<P>said once that she can't prevent OC from finding him should she want to at 18, however, but will try to explain<BR> <BR>soooo, here's my question....<P>how do I find out if he's named as father on birth certificate? CA birth, DNA test a few months later, 99%<P>(if she's adopted, that'd be the only way OC would know the truth) my thinking is, if OW marries while OC is young, H adopts, and birth cert. has 'unknown' for father, OC never has to be harmed by the truth. <P> I do sympathise w/ OC's position, but don't feel involvement is the answer, I think she'd feel like throw-away, just getting the scraps while our kids get the real daddy.<BR>which why if truth must be known, i think she should be raised with the view of 'he couldn't be a father to you,' not 'he didn't want you'<P>I don't want to ask OW, because she sees everything as we just don't care and I don't have the energy to explain our position to her any more. I told her before, we all want what's best for all involved, including OC but don't agree to what that is. maybe once she has a real family she'll understand the threat this presents to ours, once she sees what a real daddy is, realize why we don't want to subject OC to a fraction of one.<P>here I go ranting again...and I just wanted to ask a little question...<p>[This message has been edited by DumbStruck (edited April 21, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DumbStruck:<BR><B><BR> <BR>soooo, here's my question....<P>how do I find out if he's named as father on birth certificate? CA birth, DNA test a few months later, 99%<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>anyone have an idea, i'd really rather not ask OW and we are very curious<P>

Dear Dumbstruck,<P>Id suggest calling a lawyer or looking through the internet fo rthe laws in your state. In the state ow ws in (az) H had to sign papers to put his name on bc (which he chose not to do). We had dna done, but appartently he still had to give his permission to put his name on bc. Now in my state my understanding is you can put any name you want on the bc.<BR>What did it say originally? Besides you could just go to the county clerks office and request a copy of the bc. I believe they are like divorce decrees...anyone can get a copy...they are public record. Cant hurt to call and ask.<P>Good luck in your research...<P>Love<P>bw

thanks, i guess i'll start by researcing CA laws. (we're on the east coast now, so stopping by the county clerk isn't possible)

Struck,<BR>The parents as listed on the birth certificate can request an offical copy of the birth certificate. If your H is on it, your request will be honored (you can download the form online and include the small fee). If he is not listed as father....<P>In another state (not CA) H got a form saying he needed the mother's permission to get a copy, which means H is not listed as the father. (We did not follow through with asking XOW for "permission" for a copy!)<P>BTW, you must be prepared; seek legal advice. Even if your H is not on the BC, unless XOW was legally married at the time (and her H does not terminate his rights within 2 years), DNA means your H is on the hook for child support at ANY point XOW decides to seek it, and in some states that means BACK child-support too! Sorry for the bad news. These women are loose cannons.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B><BR>BTW, you must be prepared; seek legal advice. Even if your H is not on the BC, unless XOW was legally married at the time (and her H does not terminate his rights within 2 years), DNA means your H is on the hook for child support at ANY point XOW decides to seek it, and in some states that means BACK child-support too! Sorry for the bad news. These women are loose cannons.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Believe me, I know...I thank God she seems reasonable so far..wants to get on with her life, etc. <P>XOW sent a letter a few months ago that if H wanted nothing to do with OC, then she won't go to state for support, if H does, then she'll want help. After we got the test results we phoned her. H started telling her our position on a 'relationship', ended up sounding very hostile (I think talking w/ her hurts to remember how low he sunk), so I took over. She said that if we could help a little (sending $20 here and there, she'd appreciate it-babies more expensive than she thought) but said that once she turns 21 (in a yr) she'll be able to get a much better paying job and be fine. Actually seemed worried, said that she did not want to go on state aid b/c she knows how unfair cs rates are and doesn't want our kids to suffer. She also promised to give us warning is her finances were coming to that so we'd be ready to deal with the state. <P>She's more unreasonable about the relationship thing, she grew up with a 'visiting' father and doesn't see out view that a once a year dad does more harm than good. <P>we are facing CS, however. she went on aid in CA during her last 3 months. (her boyfriend/fiance beat her up, she left) so we'll see how much that is, plus the test of course. <P>I don't now, as horrible as she seemed almost a year ago (but then she was getting her head filled w/ her mom's views that she's a victim), she doesn't seem so bad. doesn't send photos, etc to force contact (asked if we wanted some, didn't understand our not, but respected that). pays a private sitter (not expensive daycares) so we don't get a bill.<P>Our theory, considering she has cervical cancer and was supposed to be infertile, the pregnancy was risky, this wil be her only (due a hysterectomy in fall) I think she feels she got the best gift in the world...and maybe happy to take it and run...I guess we'll see...as I pray. <P> like I said, I'm hoping that she marries, the guy adopts (and isn't a looser, I told her that considering her past choices, she needed to straighten her head out first), and H's name isn't on the BC so there'll be very little to question...and OC can grow up 'normal'

Wow Dumbstruck...its amazing to hear of ow acting halfway mature about this situation! And she is only 20? I know some who could take some lessons...<P>Love<P>bw

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by broken_wings:<BR><B>Wow Dumbstruck...its amazing to hear of ow acting halfway mature about this situation! And she is only 20? I know some who could take some lessons...<P>Love<P>bw</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>knock on wood...we're still being VERY cautious!!<P>