I know we all got off to a bad start, I am sorry for that. If you All could help me with my problem it would be most appreciated.<BR>MY STORY: I am a 25 years old. My H (33)and I ( was 18 and never had any serious boyfriens) met (Feb 94) through a friend, when I first saw him my only thought was "This is the man I am going to marry". We were friends from the start. I wasn't really sure what we were together, friends, lovers, buddies etc. He went away to school in Aug 94, we wrote to each other and it eventually taled on the phone. As time went on I started ?ing what I was to him in Oct of 95 he told me he loved me. I went to his school, a five hour drive to spend the weekend with him. It was great. While he was in school I started looking around his apt at pics and how he decorated, I found it amazing he was so clean. I came across a picture of a women I didn't know, I asked him about it and he told me it was his sister, I beleived him, I had never met his sister. I travelled down there two more times to see him before he graduated. He moved back home and we agreed to move in together. When we finally were settled in I found his photo albums, when I ?ed him on the same women he told me it was his X. The one he was seeing before me. I said to him that he had told me that it was sister in the picture in his apt at school, he said he didn't tell me that. The picture vanished from the frame when we moved in together. In July 97 got P, he had returned from military duty and I got P that night. I miscarried in Aug 97. I had just gotten a new job that month. I got P with our son in Jan 98, I left my job in April b/c I was so sick, it was a rough Pcy. During my employment I would tell my H about my boss and how I felt he was attracted to me. My H became not to like this OP. He eventually ?ed me about the baby with this person. I told him I was not attracted to this OP and the baby was my H. I had our son in Nov 98. He eventually asked me if our son was this OP b/c they looked alike. I told him he was his and if he wanted a DNA test he could have one but then I would leave him for not trusting me. The only thing I ever wanted was to be a mother and a wife. Sure I have dreams but nothing means more to me than that. My H works alot!! He talks about OW and what they have or do. I have gone to school but have always cut it short to be with my son. I ahve always felt that " I wasn't the one" for my H. I always knew he mourned for his X, it was confirmed when we were at his parents and we came across some letters he and her back and forth. I also saw song he wrote her, "You are God's gift to this world" etc. Make me gag. He never, has never done this with me, he always, still answers my / with I don't remember. I always would compare his love for me to that of her. I never rated. During this time in our marriage he would work late, sometimes never come home, would go out with his friends, would accuse my son then 11 months of braking things in the house etc. In Dec 99, I had finally had enough of his dismissing my feelings, telling me those are my issues deal with the etc. I ran into my old boss. We started talking again, it felt good to have someone just listen to me, ask me how I was doing, let me talk for a change without saying "You want a way out" H famous line. I wanted to stay, a reason to look at things for the good. The relationship with OM didn't get sexually until Feb 00. I felt no guilt, no remorse. It didn't matter if my H and I stayed together. I found out I was P in April 00. I called OM and told him, he congradulated me, for what it could be his! We stayed together throughout the Pcy. Only sleeping with each other 15 times at most. We talked about my M and his, our feelings, what we were to each other etc. My M didn't really improve, it just got calmer, I didn't fight with him and let alot roll of my back. In the mean time still saying I wanted a way out, my thought if you only knew. I gave birth in Dec 00 to a beautiful baby girl. At first I thought she looked like my son, she's my H, but as she has goten older, I see more of the Om in her. I paid for a DNA test in Mar, I tested me, D and OM. It came back 99.9966%. I asked him while I was P what we should do, he said if the baby is mine, so be it. It was. That brings me here. I don't know if I should post here and knowing all the problems in the last couple of days, I am still unsure about your reactions. My M has improved somewhat but H still blames my son for things, makes me feel unneeded and if we get into an fight, I am looking for a way out. I NEVER expected the OM to leave his family, nor does he of me. I am planning on tell my H next weekend. I have been in C the last four weeks to deal with my M and A. My H refuses to seek C or come with me, he feels our M is perfect, dispite my feeling and thoughts, which he is fully aware of. My problem now is I don't know how I feel about OM, I don't know how I feel about my H, I don't know if I want to work things out with H, I don't know. I don't expect OM to participate in our D life if he doesn't want to. I will tell my D everything. These two things I know for sure. I know what I did was wrong and I have hurt alot of people. I get stressed around the time my H comes home from work, knowing what I face. I am tired. PLEASE, PLEASE help me sort through all this. I don't know where else to turn. I have a week to figure all this out and CAN'T do it alone.

Dear Regretful,<P>First, I just want to say that you are welcome here, you are looking for help, not to hurt.<P>Now, on to your delema. I'm not too certain what to tell you at this point. A major question would be, do you still love your H, and is that why you want your marriage to work. Yes, a child is better off in a 2 parent home, but is that true when the 2 parents don't love eachother, and are always fighting? Your H seems to be in a fog with your marriage, and his OW. Is he still seeing her? Maybe you are correct in the way he feels about you and her. Maybe his response to you of "You're just looking for a way out" are his own feelings. I think that you really need to find out exactly how he feels about you and your marriage. Definately continue your counseling, regardless of your answers to these questions. Maybe you should look into Plan B. I, myself have not been in the Plan B, but others here have, and it has worked for them.<P>I'm sorry that I don't have any better advice, and that I mostly asked more questions. I do feel you should still tell H about D. Don't put that off from the date you have chosen. Please keep us informed on what happens. We all care, and want to help those that ask for it.<P>Tigger

Ry,<P>I jsut wanted to ask you a few questions.....1) what do you mean when you say your H blames son for things?<P>Ok maybe one main question...a little stressed today...have step-daughter (7) and mine (3). Shes a good kid, I am just not used to keeping up with 2 of them. My H has to work all weekend so they are mine all mine.<P>I would suggest you read Surviving An Affair, Harley. You can order it on this site and it is real good for anyone on either side of the fence (WS or BS). Why is it that you r H thinks your M is so great if you are telling him it is not?<P>Are you still seeing Om? Is he married also? I know it is not easy but you will have to cut off all contact with OM in order to save your marriage, but keep in mind, not matter why the affair happened or haow you see it as being justified...your H will be in the worst pain of his life. Not only is he losing the image of his marriage, but he will also find out his daughter is not "his". I remember you expressed some worry earlier about telling him and I got the impression you were afraid of him getting violent....maybe you should get him to a counselor to tell him. Or if he refuses at least make sure someone trusted is watching your son...I dont know maybe go to a public place or something...where you can speak privately, but he is least likely to try to harm you. <P>But definately read Surviving An Affair. And H also. But you msut cut contact with OM if anyone is going to figure anything out.<P>Hope this helps....I am not in your position, not in your h really. I didnt raise a child for 3 yrs thinking it was mine and that not being true. That will be a huge blow to him. Can you imagine if someone called you from the hospital and said "oh, we just found a mistake...your son is not yours.."<P>Love and Prayers to your family...<P>bw

reread my post and wanted to clarify some things...<P>i meant to get a counselor to tell him in front of. It definately needs to be you to tell him.<P>Also after reading Tiggers post I realized maybe I didnt get something....Did you r H have affair too? I am confused..<P>Love<BR>bw

dear ry,<BR>I just have a minute to type, but I wanted to tell you how glad I am you decided to "start over" here!<P>Welcome back! You are certain to get great advice from these wonderful folks.<P>cd

Dear Ry,<P>People are capable of forgiving things that you never thought possible if you give them a chance. Like the others, I think you need to have that talk with your H. Even if things have not been 100% in your marriage, he will be hurt and confused by the knowledge that your D is the OM's.<P>You have an opportunity to reassure him of your love and commitment to the marriage, but you can only do that if you really have that commitment in your heart.<P>Brokenwings gave you very good advice - read Surviving an Affair and any other books from the bookstore or library on infidelity. They will help you to put your mind in the right frame to explore the question of whether or not you really want to re-commit to your H and save your marriage.<P>I hope you will start finding some answers and support here at MB and I am glad that you decided to try again. There are a lot of people here who have similar situations and can help you to examine your own feelings.<P>Prayers to you,<BR>love,<BR>heavenly

I should clearify somethings, OM is married, I have broken off contact somewhat, we only talk about D. As far as loving my H, I did and still do. I fear I am not in love with him. Not the love that looks forward seeing him come home or misses him if he has been gone a weekend. When he touches me, I can't feel anything, not like OM, it's weird. H is not having an affair to my knowledge, I have asked, but he says no, I have too. I think, I love OM, but not crazy love, more like I know your around and when your near me, I feel fine. With H it's I love but I want everything my way first, then you.

Regretfully Yours,<P>I am so sorry to hear of all the pain you are in. I know that being in the midst of an affair is hard...I look at your story and hear so many similar things...<P>Have you had the opportunity to read any of the other parts of this site? There is a lot of good information. <P>I know exactly what you mean about loving and not loving both the OM and your H. I <B>really</B> suggest you read about emotionl needs--I think it will help you understand some of what you are feeling...<P>Of course, I've read it, and here I am...<P>You can't let the past eat you up. You did things that hurt. I've done things that hurt. What you and I both need to do is a way to stop hurting others (and ourselves) and get back on track.<P>I understand what you are saying about trying to talk to your H and getting responses like "you're looking for a way to end this" or "you're just looking to dredge up old things". I want to scream, "No! This is about <B>ME</B> being unhappy in this marriage!" But I don't. And here I am...<P>Because I was betrayed before betraying, I know some of the reactions I will get when I finally grow up.... I expect you'll get some of the same reactions and more...<P>...My husband will be angry...<BR>...He will be hurt and he will feel badly for showing it...<BR>...He will want me to go. He will want me to stay. He will want to go. He will want to stay. And then the next minute will start...<P>Please read about Total Honesty before you tell him. It will give you some good insights in ways to tell him that are a bit less hurtful than others.<P>Regretfully, I'm sorry to hear of your pain, but I'm glad you found this site. Hopefully, the folks here can help you out.<P>Blessings.<BR>Kat

I wish I had all of the answers for you, all I have is the same experience that you are going through.. So perhaps you can learn from my mistakes..<BR>Here's a short run down on my situation, how it was handled and some questions you need to ask yourself before telling your H..<BR>I was involved on and off for 5 years with OM, we both were married, I got p with OM baby.. We both agreed that it would be best to leave things the way they were and up until my child was 2 my H never knew different..<BR>At that time OM decided he wanted to be a part of C life, bring it out in the open, etc.. Well after it was out in the open, the legal issues settled, OM decided it wasn't the time to start visitation, a lot of repair needed to be done to his marriage and mine, which I agree needed to be done, a lot of hurtful things were said and done and they needed to be put to rest before any visitation began and I don't just mean between the married partners either.. Now to the present, we are all still married to the same, OM and his wife contacted me and H, they had decided it was time to start visitation before c got to old, it has been a roller coaster ride but all of the adults are keeping the line of communication open and we have a good business relationship in regards to our c.. I admire his W and my H for their strength, it has been a hard road for them..<BR>I don't know if your OM wants to be a part of your c life or not, that needs to be question #1, all I can say is that if he doesn't then let sleeping dogs lie.. Are you wanting to tell your H to relieve your conscience? That should be question #2.. What are you hoping to gain by telling? Are you prepared to go through the court system in regards to settling a paternity issue? At this point and in most states a child is considered the H unless a paternity case has been filed and settled.. If OM does want to be a part of C life are you ready for the emotional aspects of this?<BR>I could go on and on, if you wish to write to me I would be more than happy to coorespond with you.. If I had it to do over again I would not have told the OM in the beginning and just kept it to myself but you can't undo the past you can only deal with the future.. Just make your decisions carefully and look deep inside as to your motives for wanting to tell your H and the impact it will have on your life and your c life as well.. Wish you the best..<BR>

Smiles, I have asked myself thoses ?. I know I want to tell my H to relieve my conscience. I wake up every morning actually sick at the thought of what I have done, stomach pains, nausea etc. I cringe when ever I hear H say how beautiful D is. I hate the person I was. I want to tell H how made I felt our marriage was, he never took my thoughts or feelings seriously and still to a point doesn't. OM said that he didn't wish to be a part of D life, I will not force it, but I feel he should know her. He know in the last week has called me four times to see how D and I were doing. I don't know if he is doing it b/c he really cares or is trying to please me. I will have to be ready for the court and that mess. Like I said I know she is his due to my paying for a paternity test already. I wanted to know for medical reasons and to know who my D father was. I also didn't want to tell H of A if she was his, I would have counted my blessings and learned my lesson. I also wish I would have never told OM of P. I was so scared, he congradulated me. Actually was excited when I told him it was a girl...go figure?!! I am not expecting OM to participate in D life, I always told him I had more to lose, worst yet my D is at risk of not having a father, bio or H. I know alot of you ladies say too bad, your fault, etc, but I feel ALL children deserve a father and the responsiblity should be bio dads first. I can't change what people think. If you could give me your address I would appreciate it.!! Thanks- RY

Dear ry,<BR>Just so you know, nobody here is going to "blast" you for your opinions when you write them respectfully, like you did just now. there are lots of people here who feel the way you do about the biodad, and lots that don't.<P>It's my opinion that your h should be told so that he has the ability to decide for how to handle the matter. But I have to admit, I don't know how I would react if I were in your shoes - nobody does really. Whatever you decide to do in regards to telling him, make sure you are putting his needs above that of the om. I think h deserves to be your primary concern (Of course, your daughter is your first concern, but h should be right up there too.)<P>Maybe you could tell om that you will not be speaking to him anymore until you get things worked out with your h. If you don't have him interfering in the process, it might simplify things for you and make it easier to focus on working things out with your h. Just a thought...<P>Good luck, and let us know how you're doing with it all.<P>cd

Dear Respectfully Yours,<P>I can sense the confusion and turmoil you are going through, and remember experiencing it myself. I was in your husband's position, and found out that my youngest child was not mine, and that my wife had been having an affair. That first year after discovery was the most painful of my life. It was also, perhaps the most important.<P>Of course you must make your own decisions, and I know very little about your situation. I do, however, have ideas that have been tested by the fires my wife and I have passed through. I will offer them here, and you can decide whether any of my advice seems like it might help you. Also, if it would help, you can run a search and look through my old posts to get some background about what others have experienced in this situation.<P>First, I believe you must tell your husband the truth, and you must tell him everything. When I discovered my wife's affair, she immediately began to tell me the complete truth. I don't think I am being naive here - everything she said was far worse than what I expected, and it all fit together, and still does. If she did any one thing that saved our marriage, it was telling me the truth. That took a lot of courage on her part, and it took a lot of strength on mine to listen to it. But be gentle in your choice of words. This revelation will hurt your husband, perhaps more than anything in his life has.<P>Second, I must disagree with smilesatlife. You have written as if your daughter is first the other man's to choose, to enjoy however he wants. And smilesatlife also treated her child that way. But look at the facts, not at the emotions that currently tie you to the other man. Your husband is the one who cares for your daughter, he supports her, he looks at her and loves her and wants her. And yet, you act confused about who her father is. I understand completely, since I have lived this, even though I disagree with what you are doing. My wife was very confused as well, but slowly came to realize what I had found simply by living - YOUR HUSBAND IS THIS CHILD'S FATHER, IN HIS EYES, IN HER EYES, AND IN THE EYES OF THE LAW. That could change, but he would (probably) need to agree to change it.<P>Third, your husband should be offered that choice, and he should be offered your support, whatever he decides to do. When I found out about the affair, I offered my wife a choice too. Leave, go live with other man and he could raise our child (that possibility hurt terribly, even to contemplate), or stay with me, cut off ALL contact with other man, and I would continue as our child's father, and raise him just like our other children.<P>I DID NOT WANT THE OTHER MAN INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES. I DID NOT WANT HIM MESSING WITH MY CHILD. This is a painful position to be in, but your husband can, perhaps, recover his sense of self by living and being your daughter's father. THIS WILL ONLY WORK THOUGH, IF HE CHOOSES IT. RIGHT NOW YOU ARE USING HIM. YOU ARE NOT TREATING HIM LIKE A HUMAN BEING, AND I SENSE HOW UNCOMFORTABLE YOU ARE ABOUT DOING THAT.<P>I guess my bottom line is this - the child is not the other man's to decide about, with your husband being left as a secondary option, a fallback plan. And yet that is how you are living right now.<P>Fourth, find a good therapist for you, and help your husband find one, and perhaps also work with a marriage counselor or coach. We found this kind of support invaluable, in helping us pass together through one of the most traumatic times of our lives. I cannot emphasize this enough - find help! Even if you have to mortgage your house to pay for it. Because nothing, in the long run, will be more expensive than a messy divorce, nor more painful for your family.<P>Healing will take a long time. But if you are honest with yourselves and with each other, you can expect great things. Even if you decide, eventually, to divorce, you can look at that decision with pride if you have been honest, and tried to work with each other first, to the best of your abilities. And for at least a year, I would guess.<P>Fifth, I will repeat the standard line some others have told you. YOU MUST CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER MAN. ALL CONTACT. Your marriage will have no chance of recovery without it. Your husband deserves your honesty and a clear field to work with you. There will be enough to process, without you continuing contact with the other man. If you continue to try and maintain ties with both, you will probably end up with little or no worthwhile connection with either one.<P>I don't know how your husband will react, or even if he will want to continue your marriage, but at least he will finally have a choice. Until he knows the facts and can choose, you are manipulating him and using him in an extremely cruel way. And it sounds to me as if you are not a person who can go on for long while using somebody like that.<P>My own marriage has blossomed since discovery. And yet it was many months before my wife believed that would be possible. I would guess that you are in a similar position, so you will need to act on your head and on the solid advice of good friends and good therapists, while your heart takes time to heal and change. I don't know if this will be of any comfort to you, but my youngest child now is extremely attached to me, and I think I have even become a better father to my other children through coping with this situation. I have promised my wife that I will raise my son come what may, even it she should die or divorce me, and she knows that I mean it, and respects that desire.<P>I wish you well, as you seek help, and rebuild your life,<P>StillTrying<p>[This message has been edited by StillTrying (edited April 23, 2001).]

Stilltrying, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOU INSIGHT! I know I am doing the right thing by telling my H, I only hope things work out for the better, like your situation. I just have a couple of ?'s.<BR>1. I wrote it in a short 10 sentence note, should I delete who it was with? Or leave it in? I don't know if I have the courage to say it out loud.<BR>2. Do I go after OM for child support if H doesn't agree to raise D? If he does should I go after CS to protect myself?<BR>3. Do I wait until I tell H the let OM know H knows everything? Or do I do it before hand, when? Should I?<BR>4. Do I give H the right to call OM?<BR>5. Should I call, email, write OM W and apologize for the mess I (we) caused?<BR>6. Do I tell D when she is old enough to understand? She is only 4 months.<BR>7. Will I absolutly die of a broken heart for what I have done to my D, son and H?

Still Trying,<P>I appreciated your response to RF and I do totally agree with you, my husband is my childs father and he has never treated our child any differently since the truth was made known, he has always been and will always be there for our little one..<BR>I know I didn't get into a lot of great detail about my situation but it has been a hard road for him and for me, we did separate but we have been back together now for 4 years.. Reading your reply was like listening to him, his feelings are the same and no he would have rather not had the om come back into our lives nor did I, it was a total suprise when the om and his wife contacted us in regards to visitation.. My husband struggled with whether or not to adopt and he decided not when we found out that in our state if a spouse adopts the other spouses child it does not nullify the biological parents rights, the adoption is considered a matter of convience for the child by having the same last name as the mother and father in the house (which was never changed during the paternity process anyhow)so it still would not have closed the door on the om and we would still be where we are today.. He also struggled with what would be best in the long run for our child, you see he has a sister that went through this as the child and she is still bitter about how her parents handled it, so my husband has taken a lot of things into consideration and has been the one to make the choices.. Yes I would have done a lot of things differently knowing what I know now but you can't undo the past you can only deal with the future one day at a time and right now we are dealing with a new frontier of sorts now that visitation has started.. <BR>My concerns for RF are sincere and it is hard knowing what to do, there are a lot of unknowns that are hard to face.. In my case I did not want to tell my husband simply because of the hurt I knew it would cause him, I was afraid that he would not accept our child and treat our child differently, I was afraid he would walk away and even though I made some poor choices I did not want to lose him, it has been a bumpy road but he put all of my fears to rest and has stood by my side from day one.. He did have the choice and he chose to stay and keep our family together and to do everything in his power to make sure that our child would always know that daddy's (my husband) love would never end and he would always be there.. <BR>There is a saying that I love and you Still Trying and my husband are examples of it's true meaning.. "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a DADDY"..<BR>Thank you for being a daddy and I am grateful that my husband is one too and I hope that RF's husband will chose the daddy route also.. <P>Smiles

RY,<P>Here is my thoughts on your questions...<P>1. I wrote it in a short 10 sentence note, should I delete who it was with? Or leave it in? I don't know if I have the courage to say it out loud.<P><Leave it in, he will ask anyhow and if you want to be totally honest with him this is part of it..><P>2. Do I go after OM for child support if H doesn't agree to raise D? If he does should I go after CS to protect myself?<P><I didn't go after it, OM wanted to pay support and that is how we ended up in court the first time, if your H decides to stay then let him make the choice on whether or not to go after support, if he doesn't stay then legally H would have to pay support until a paternity order is filed then OM would have to pay><P>3. Do I wait until I tell H the let OM know H knows everything? Or do I do it before hand, when? Should I?<P><If you tell om that you can't live this way anymore and are putting all your cards on the table with your husband he will more than likely out of fear try to talk you out of it, I would wait, your H may want to confront him and you need to let him if that is what he choses><P>4. Do I give H the right to call OM?<P><That was my biggest panic, but your H is going to need to confront the om for his own satisfaction, I guess what I am trying to say is it's not your right to give, try to put things in perspective it's your husband that you are fighting for not the om so don't go out of your way to protect him, your h will sense it and it will make him more insecure and hamper the healing process><P>5. Should I call, email, write OM W and apologize for the mess I (we) caused?<P><Wait on this one, she will call you I can almost guarantee that, my H and om W talked alot so be prepared just in case this happens><P>6. Do I tell D when she is old enough to understand? She is only 4 months.<P><That is going to depend on what H and OM decide, my om was seeing my child on and off since birth, my child always has remembered him so in my case we just answered questions as they came up, a friend of mine has the same situation and has chosen not to tell her child till adulthood><P>7. Will I absolutly die of a broken heart for what I have done to my D, son and H?<P><No, but you will go through a lot of pain and will have a lifetime to deal with it, sorry that doesn't seem to be a real positive answer but it will be something that will come in waves, sometimes worse than others, this step that you are taking now is the first step, then the healing process starts and sometimes facing reality is the hardest part and talking out loud about it is even harder, remember you have to forgive yourself first before you can accept the forgiveness of others><P><Just be honest with your H, it's amazing at how much they already know or suspect><P>Smiles<BR>my email is in my profile<BR>

Regretfully Yours,<BR> Glad you stuck around!I wasnt sure if you got lost in all that was going on. There are wonderful people here that you will find can really help you. Hope everything works out for your family. with love flowerseed

I want to THANK everyone for all their help and ideas. I know I haven't even gotten close to hitting bottom yet and I dread it. I am telling H on Saturday, not sure how he will react or if he will end up hating me, but I have to be honest with him. My C asked me a few weeks ago if I respect my H, overall I do. If I hid this from him, I would be disrespecting him and not loving him. OM said he would rather his W not know, I don't feel that is love, I feel that is fear of being alone. I do want my marriage to work and will fight for it but in the end if my fight is futile from my actions, I will accept that with a smile, I tried. Thank You again for all your help. If there is anything I am missing please let me know.<BR>RY

Regretfull,<P>I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing in telling your H. I also agree with the statement of no more contact w/OM until things have been settled, to a degree, with your H. It is only fair that you give your H and marriage 100%, especially at this time. I know that your major concern at this time is how your H is going to react(and I'm sorry if I confused you with someone else in my prior post to you on this thread). I was afraid of the same thing, but my H's reaction has been to fully embrace Abbi as his own daughter. Although, he knew from the day I found out that I was expecting, so it is a little different than your situation. One suggestion, and you may have already done this, pray to God, giving Him your situation and fears. One way I like to do things like that is to physically hold my hands out infront of my body in fists. Then, as I am praying that God take the burden, whatever it is, from me, I turn my hands palm down, and open my fists. Basically, when you have something in your hands(your burdens) and open your fists palm down, you can't hold onto whatever is in your hands. I will be praying for you as you get closer to Sat, and on Sat as well.<P>Tigger

Dear Regretfully Yours,<P>I wish you all the best in your discussions with your husband. You are showing a lot of courage here. Please remember that this is a long process. Whatever happens, it will take a few years to unfold. But you are taking, now, the first and most important steps.<P>I thought that smilesforyou gave you wonderful answers to all of your questions. Only a few notes. First, in most states, the OM has no rights whatsoever to this child (nor any responsibilities) unless you and your husband create them. You should probably consult a good family lawyer to help inform you of where you stand. Second, we plan to tell our child as soon as he is old enough to understand. But to keep the message simple and very short. We don't want him to grow up feeling that his identity has been a lie.<P>I can imagine what you must be going through now. I wish you and your husband and your children courage and strength and a renewed feeling of love and connection. The fact that you are ready and are initiating this yourself should help a lot.<P>StillTrying<p>[This message has been edited by StillTrying (edited April 24, 2001).]