We went to our recent couples counseling on Friday, and I know my H is committed to rebuilding our life.He says he cried in our bed the other night, with me thinking he was missing OC, when it turns out he was crying thinking he would lose me and our two kids. I had no idea the tears were for us, not the OW/OC. so what hurts me now? The fact he still cares for OW and what will happen to her with OC. I know him to be a caring man, why I am surprised at that I do not know, but it hurts me, because it feels as if his care for them is still taking away from his care for me and our two kids. I know this will hurt for a long time, it feels like he still needs time to heal away from that fantasy life he had with OW/OC. I went back to read the Harley's chapter on withdrawal from the affair by the BS, and want my H to read it as well.do you all think this is what is happening here? it feels as if it is another betrayal of our life together.The fact is, he says he loved both of us during the affair, now just loves me, but any amount of caring for her now still hurts, still feels like another party in our marriage I do not want in and did not invite. Any suggestions on how to heal with these feelings and issues?

I can offer no way to heal the feelings, but prehaps a different perspective.<P>His 'caring' may also be put at compassion for two lives that he has adversly affected. We all feel compassion for the sad stories we see/hear on the news, etc. imagine that you were part of the cause. He may not 'care' as a slight form of love that you may feel it as, which leaves his love for you.<P>My H doesn't 'care' about XOW, never did, but does feel compassion towards situation and OC, struggled w/ 'doing the right thing' etc. <P>How far into 'recovery' are you? <P>Check your other thread, my dear and take care.<BR>

Dear lsb,<P>My H and Dumbstruck's H must be twins. My H is also a very caring man. He has told me that he has completely destroyed the life of the OW. For that he feels a great deal of compassion.<P>Like Dumbstruck said, he feels terrible that he has caused so much devastation to another woman and, especially, to a child. <P>lsb, I used to feel exactly as you do. Every time my H would have a faraway look or seem out of sorts, I would attribute that to him missing the OW/OC. We were both locked in misery over each other's frame of mind and it was not until we were able to really talk about the OW/OC that all this came out.<P>We had our big talk about the affair and the OC, but then my H and I thought the best way to deal with it was to try to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it did not happen. We have since learned that if we both have lapses into pain, it is best to tell each other and to talk through what is happening to us.<P>My H is not in love with the OW. And even though he feels compassion for what he has done to her life, in his eyes, the real testament of his commitment to our marriage is that he is home with me. There is absolutely nothing that a person can do to make their spouse stay with them if they no longer love them. Don't discount the fact that your H is with you and trying to re-commit to the marriage. <P>For me, lsb, healing started to come with the full acceptance that my life could NEVER go back the way it was. It was a painful revelation and one that caused me great anger and hurt because, as you said, we never asked for this. But, it is like any other disaster that you did not ask for. Some people get sick, become paralyzed through an accident, or some other terrible misfortune. Those things change their lives forever and they need to adjust to life on different terms.<P>If you have decided to forgive your H, I feel that you need to accept that what he has done has changed your life forever but that you are willing -- together -- to explore a new life on new terms. <P>Like you, I have been married a long time and I was afraid to let go of my old life. I had also grown nice and comfy with the feeling of being a victim -- misery has a way of becoming like a worn flannel shirt. You wrap it around you. But, I wanted to finish living my life with the man I love. I just let the love take over and let faith kick in.<P>I don't regret it for a minute. I still have my moments of sadness but believe me they are fewer and more far between as time passes. But, I feel that my life is back on course and that my H is making more of an effort to make our marriage solid than he ever did.<P>Keep the faith, lsb. It takes time and it takes a lot of effort to get back on track. But it is possible and it will happen if you want it. It sounds like there is a lot of love in your marriage, let that be your guide.<P>love,<BR>heavenly